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Is avoiding work an unwritten job requirement for E-4s in the military? From perfectly timed coffee breaks to disappearing acts worthy of a magician, here are some of the legendary tactics used by the E-4 Mafia. Work smarter, not harder. A lot of people use this as a motivational phrase to promote innovation or increase efficiency. For some, however, this is an invitation to do as little work as possible. In the military, there are no greater champions of this than the E-4s. What is the E-4? It's enlisted four pay grade, above private but below sergeant. This includes corporals and petty officers third class in the Navy, as well as the specialist.
The E-4 lives in the sweet spot of ranks. High enough and with enough experience to know how things work, while at the same time low enough that they don't have too much in the way of responsibilities. And those that they do have can usually be avoided or at least pawned off to someone else, like a naive PFC. The E-4 Mafia has turned doing the least amount of work into an art form, a process known as shamming in the Army or skating in the Marines. Skate is an acronym for stay out of trouble, keep a low profile, avoid higher-ups, take your time at all times, enjoy yourself. Keep in mind that the following is not limited to those of the specialist rank, but the E-4 Mafia is a mindset. It's not a pay grade.
That said, E-4 is so associated with shamming and skating that the rank's insignia has been given the nickname of sham shield. So, how do they avoid work in one of the most strictly regulated institutions in the world? The key to avoiding being volun-told is to look like you're doing something, even if you're not. When you're walking somewhere, move at a steady pace, facing forward, expression neutral. Where are you going? No idea, but it must be important to move like that. An agitated sergeant, or even worse, a newly minted second lieutenant trying to make a name for himself, will see this and find someone else to bother. Of course, it's even better to not have to move around so much. So, sit down and
find something to look at. Clipboards, technical manuals, charts, maps, it doesn't matter. Just find something to keep attention on. While doing this, flip the pages back and forth to complete the illusion by holding a pen as if you're taking notes. Just make sure to never look up. Like a hungry predator, direct eye contact with an officer or NCO will trigger an immediate response. Just like in real estate, location is everything. So, do this in an out-of-the-way place to avoid attention to begin with. If your job doesn't involve paperwork, this can still be done with other objects, like vehicle parts, medical
supplies, whatever. Just hold it and look like you're doing something important, even if you're not. Brooms are great for this. Most of a lowly enlisted's job involves sweeping anyway. So, a watchful higher-up will just assume you're doing what they were about to tell you to, and may even commend you on your initiative while you're actively doing nothing. It also helps to have to be somewhere else. Where would this be, specifically? Be vague with the answer. You've got a pressing appointment on the other side of the base. How long will it take you to get there? Long enough. How long will it take you to get back? Even longer.
It also helps to have others on your side with this. When you disappear, and an irate higher-up asks for your whereabouts, they can cover for you, saying that you had an unspecified appointment and will be back eventually. Of course, talk about this beforehand to make sure your stories are straight, but that goes without saying. There is also the time-honored tradition of delegation. As an E-4, the E-1s, E-2s, and E-3s in your chain of command have to obey you. Even if what you told them to do isn't their responsibility, they're probably too naive or frightened to question any further. So, be sure to pile on all those unwanted tasks to the fresh out of boot camp newbie.
Look, the extra work builds character. So, you're actually doing them a favor, and they should thank you for it. If anybody asks what you're doing, just say that you're supervising. These are all effective, but amateurish. A more advanced technique involves careful manipulation of scheduling. After enough years in the military, certain patterns emerge, and a specialist worth his salt will be able to determine exactly when he is needed and have the ability to be somewhere else. Schedule appointments, particularly medical examinations, early and often, and have them coincide with official duties. Look, it's not your fault you need a checkup for that mysterious
ailment at the exact same time something needs to get done. Those classes you're signed up for? It being the exact same time as formation is out of your control. This, of course, requires very careful mastery of timing and clear knowledge of your unit schedule, sometimes weeks or months in advance. So, only the most savvy members of the E-4 Mafia can pull this off successfully. These are just the basics, and there are many other ways to make the most of your military career by doing the least, the limits being imagination, initiative, and how on the ball the chain of command is. So, how does all this play out in
actual, like, real-world scenarios? Well, it's hard to say, since the tales of shamming and skating are anecdotal, not officially documented, and of course subject to hyperbole and exaggeration. So, a few pinches of MRE-provided salt are in order here. Allegedly, during the conflict in Bosnia, some soldiers were tired of the morning PT run, which was an inconvenient 10 km or a bit over 6 mi. They had better things to do with their time than pound the pavement, so they did the obvious thing. They called a local taxi to pick them up part of the way and take them to the finish. Since they arrived well before their comrades
and weren't close to out of breath, there were suspicions of cheating. We aren't sure what happened next, but we can imagine a good laugh, a lifetime of stories, and a whole lot of push-ups from an irate sergeant. One soldier got out of work by trying out for the choir for the 82nd Airborne. As a member of this prestigious organization, the soldier would participate in official ceremonies singing about the virtues of jumping out of a perfectly good aircraft. Whenever something had to be done, he had choir practice he couldn't miss. The kicker? He never even tried out, something his comrades found out at a ceremony involving the choir where he was conspicuously not singing.
Another mused a bit of reverse logic. You see, one should never volunteer in the military, but one enterprising soldier volunteered to escort some civilian workers for around the base tasks like changing light bulbs and fixing broken power outlets. This conveniently happened in the early morning and lasted several hours. So, he avoided PT that day, and then he had to be on call until that evening just in case, of course. He reportedly spent about 4 hours of his day at the gym lifting weights, which was way more fun than anything he was supposed to be doing.
The military relies on copious amounts of paperwork to function, and filing errors can be turned to one's advantage. One soldier, when he reached his new unit and grabbed a room assignment, this was done at the unfortunate time of 0100. That's 1:00 in the morning for you civilians out there, and it seemed that no one wanted to look into his existence any further. Anyway, he had the lodging, but no one noticed he skipped the rest of the processing, probably because it was 1:00 in the morning, and he spent the next 6 months playing video games, doing absolutely no work at all, and getting
free meals until someone finally figured out what was going on. We don't know the details, but can imagine that the officer in charge was incandescent with rage. Shamming is a universal trait of soldiers everywhere, and it's not limited to the American military. And even officers can take the opportunity to do as little as possible during a rigorous training exercise. A German army lieutenant hid himself in a large machine gun bag. These bags are camouflaged and they easily blend in, not only with their surroundings, but also the piles of other equipment. They are also large enough for a soldier to fit inside.
The lazy lieutenant crawled inside the bag, zipped it up, and promptly fell asleep. His disappearance was soon noticed by the rest of his unit, who spent a considerable amount of time looking for him. However, they couldn't find him, since no one would have expected this unusual sleeping arrangement, and it took hours before they finally caught on to the ruse. Another soldier got out of the unpleasant task of midnight drives by never completing driver's training. For 3 years, every time the need for a volunteer came up, he would simply tell the higher-ups that he was unlicensed and couldn't drive. Of course, they were furious, but they couldn't have an unlicensed driver behind the wheel, so the soldier was able to get back to
sleep without any further issues. It does also pay to be opportunistic. In one alleged case, a unit moved their location, but due to bureaucratic oversight, one soldier was forgotten and overlooked. He then spent the next 6 weeks by himself in the now abandoned barracks doing, well, whatever he wanted. By the time the paperwork caught up with him, he was already being discharged, making the last month and a half of military life a paid vacation. In one of the more audacious cases, a soldier got a burner phone, then sent messages to his immediate superior posing as the \{quote\} officer in charge.
He then said that all members of the unit, including the soldier, were present and accounted for, and the superior didn't look into it any further. It took 10 weeks for anyone to catch on. This is most likely an urban legend, but it's a perfect example of shamming that would make even the most jaded E-4 shed a single tear of joy. These are just a few anecdotes of shamming, skating, and otherwise avoiding work. Like I said earlier, these are possibly exaggerated for the sake of a good story. Do you guys have any? If you are or were in the military and have a tale of intrepid laziness,
let us know in the comments. Disclaimer, we here at Simple History bear no responsibility for the inevitable chewing out when your sergeant reads the comments. That's all on you.
