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Last week, a young man by the name of Donald TRUMP picked up uh a young man by the name of Xi Jinping, Chinese president at the airport for a pivotal 3-day visit to Washington. As with any monumental meeting of superpowers with profound repercussions for global safety and stability, it began with house tour. Have you seen my pictures? DO YOU GUYS HAVE PICTURES? HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN OUR OUTDOOR CARPET? Do you guys have outdoor Have you seen our sky? Do you have a sky? It's white. Oh, DO YOU SEE THAT LADY WITH THE FACE? YEAH. Do you think she's pretty? Oh, good. Guys, JUST by the way, what a genuine thumbs up. It's the thumbs up you give when your friends show you their kids' artwork.
Madison made that all out of macaroni. Oh. In fact, Trump spent most of Xi's White House visit JUST POINTING AT WHILE Xi did his best effort to pretend to be impressed. Although I'm sure they talked about issues of national importance. Very good deal. We had a great meeting and he has great INTEREST IN GRANITE. HE likes granite. He's an expert on stone aside from any other things. And he loves good granite. DOES he love good granite? Is that his I love good granite face because it looks like his I'd rather be standing in front of a tank in a square face.
Yeah, look it up. Like President Trump, I'm sure you're proud of your new circular granite helicopter parking spot, but just so you know, this is Shenzen, China. They've got a fully autonomous magnetic levitation train. Pretty sure he's not blown away by carved rock in shape of circle. By the way, you know, China did used to work in rock about 3,000 years ago. So again, I'M PRETTY sure Xi Jinping is not like this used to be grass and now it's rock.
We have so much to learn from your people. BUT LISTEN, I'M sure he wants to be a good host as long as Trump understands the seriousness of the competition between our two nations and is diligent in not undermining America's national security. I mean, national security is the whole reason we're paying $600 million for this ballroom, right? So, you'll keep that behind the curtain. Yeah. As a special treat in honor of President Xi and Madame Pong, I'd like to invite everyone in the room to visit through that beautiful curtain in the back, the new ballroom that you've heard about. You'll be the first people to step foot on that. Maybe Trump's just trying to sell Xi Jinping on renting the ballroom
out for his next big function. I don't know. Yeah, Jewish. Surprising Xinping. Yeah, who'd have thought? Probably changed his name. Anyway, surprising how light-hearted their interaction seemed to be given recent developments. China sent 1,300 shipments of drone and missile parts to Iran from the start of the year through the end of June. What? China has been sending weapons to Iran. Did China supplying Iran with weapons come up at all? The US ambassador to China claims President Trump offered to sell American weapons to China?
It only came up as an opportunity. I got to say that sounds like Unless I hear this from the actual mouth of the US ambassador to China, I do not believe it. President Trump continues to say, "Hey, we sell arms to other uh people around the world." Uh he actually asked President C, would he like to buy some? At one point, what the How does America even stay on the map sometimes? I don't even How do we not just slide into the sea? All right. I had to have misheard that. I got to hear from the president himself. I won't believe it. Did Trump really offer to sell weapons to China?
Is that accurate? Did you make such a suggestion? To China. To China? You mean to Taiwan? No, to China. That's what he said. I never heard of that one. I'm going to have to ask him. You mean we're going to sell? No, they [clears throat] probably like to buy it because we do make better equipment than them, so maybe it's a good idea. He totally offered them weapons. Oh my god. You can almost see Trump trying to do the math in his head. Well, if Iran beats us with weapons that we make, it's kind of like we WON THE WAR.
I'M IN. NOW, THIS IS quick question. I seem to remember the Republican party used to frown on the idea of selling weapons to communist enemies who are supplying said weapons to other enemies we are currently at war with. Does anybody on that side have an opinion on this summit? President Trump with a lavish welcome for Chinese President Xi Jinping. Some Republicans now sounding the alarm. getting some push back from members of his own party. Not happy with the president's extravagant welcome. Frustrated that he's rolling out the red carpet. Want Trump to drop the velvet glove and use the iron fist. A number of Republicans outraged with Trump's embrace of she.
OH DAMN. OUTRAGED. THIS IS IT. Trump finally went too far. Republicans are outraged. So mad. Republican Senator Roger Wicker, the great state of Mississippi, went down to the floor of the United States Senate TO TELL PRESIDENT TRUMP FROM HIS WHOLE CHEST HOW HE FEELS ABOUT THIS DEBACLE. Quite frankly, um, had the White House asked me for advice, I would have suggested the president not invite Xihinping to Washington. OH, you expect from someone who runs a small town southern funeral parlor But you know Trump, he's got nine lives. They're going to have to follow up that fiery rhetoric. Trump's a populist. He speaks the language of the people. He's
not going to listen to the outrage unless it comes from someone like Senator John Kennedy, who's a simple Louisiana farm boy who was raised by a butter churn and two crawfish before, of course, attending Oxford Law. He knows what these dang Chinese are like. President Xi is uh one of the best liars I've ever seen. I mean, he learned to lie before he learned to talk. With China, if you turn the other cheek, they just stab you in the neck. I mean with China, you can reach out a hand in friendship, but they'll just your cousin. But hell, old Senator Kennedy looks more bothered than A HOT FOX SLAPPING A COLD CHICKEN IN a warm ripple.
It doesn't bother me. Oh, well, he's not bothered either. Nothing. No cutesy. You know what's sad? The only Republican with the balls to say what a bad idea this summit is Donald Trump. We have the president of China come a few months ago to Washington and we give him a state dinner. Now when people are screwing you, you don't give him state dinners. I would not be throwing him a dinner. I'll be throwing HIM A BANQUET and there'll BE FLOWERS AND THERE'LL be dancing and afterwards we're all going to go look at the ballroom. There'll be food and people dressed up and we're going to talk about granite.
I found it amusing as well. But of course, it is not the first time the media has tried to make a meal of Republicans dissatisfaction with Donald Trump. Republican revolt. Republicans are starting to hit the panic button. The president's approval rating is at an all-time low. Breaking ranks. Republicans distance themselves from President Trump. Top Republicans break with President Trump just weeks before the midterms.
Openly breaking with the president over the war in Iran. Openly. Well, I guess if Trump wasn't weakened, I mean, would any Republican have the balls to come out against the Iran war like Senator Hustead of Ohio? Senator John Husted up for re-election in Ohio told Politico tonight, quote, "The war needs to come to an end as quickly as possible so that we can lower gas prices." There you go. He is taking a stand. Now, obviously, many would prefer that an anti-war position would come in the form of a moral judgment about the shedding of innocent blood and the folly of man's desire uh for conquest and not necessarily 554 for regular. What the But we take it here as we can get it. So
long as Senator Houston of Ohio backs up his stirring rhetoric with a yes vote to end this reckless war of choice. I take you now to the floor of the United States Senate. Mr. Hughstead. No. You know, courage can take many forms, although that does not appear to be one of the forms that it takes. BUT THE POINT IS, IT'S JUST SAD REALLY. The point is you sit up for re-election. His constituents hate this war. And chances are most of them don't get C-SPAN. Now, why in God's name would we continue to fall for this? Why are we constantly believing that there are cracks in the
MAGA fortress? We do because that's what we are told over and over again. Is MAGA cracking? New cracks emerge in the president's armor. A crack in the Republican party's blind loyalty. The first big crack in the wall. His party is turning on him. His base is fracturing. The dam is starting to break. If the dam breaks, it'll be a flood. It's going to be a flood, right? A break in uh in the dam in the Trump Dam. That it doesn't mean that you're going to get a flood, but it means you at least have a leak. But you told US THE DAM, THE ARMOR, THE CRACKS, THE FLOOD, AND NOW IT'S IS THE
MAGGOT Coalition finally showing a small wet spot on the front of its pants? And the media has been doing this to us for ever. If it's not China and Iran, it was the Epstein files. The Trump presidency, as we have known, it is over. It is not. CRACKS ARE emerging among Republicans over the government shutdown. Cracks in the Republican wall are starting to show up. Exposing some cracks within the GOP. Starting to see some cracks emerging. Trump fever breaks and it's in the process of breaking right now. That Trump fever seems to be breaking. I get the sense there might be a damn breaking.
Is that the same dam THAT'S BREAKING THIS YEAR THAT WAS BREAKING? THIS IS A VERY TOUGH DAM. And we can keep going back even further, like when candidate Trump attacked John McCain's military service IN 2015. I do think it's the beginning of the end of the marriage between Donald Trump and the Republican party. It's not. for God's sakes. It's not the end of the marriage between Trump and the Republican party. It's the beginning of the Republican party's current BDSM understanding of master and the media. That's not photoshopped, by the way. That is a real ele that is a real elephant. You know what's weird about that? Can't remember it. Safe word.
Elephant memory joke. All right. And the media refuses to recognize that even Republicans with nothing left to lose will still shrivel at the moment of truth. Like confirming an attorney general, who also happened to be the president's personal law lackey. Todd Blanch's nomination for attorney general is indeed in deep trouble. the so-called wounded bear caucus of Senator Tillis Cassidy Cornin. They're not going to be coming back for another term in 2027. So, they really have nothing to lose. An army of um Republicans with no more, you know, FS to give.
It's President Trump versus the Yolo Caucus. John Cornin, Tom Tillis, and Bill Cassidy all voted for the president's former personal attorney despite having concerns he was too close to the White House. OH, IT'S THE YOLO CAUCUS, WE ARE HERE TO CAST CONFIRMATION VOTES and show some spine. And we are all out of spine. And by the way, no one plays the I'm actually quite concerned and upset about this thing I am actually going to vote for better than the poster child for troubled acquiescence, the 5'8 in softball from the great state of Maine, Susan Collins, who is the avatar for wanting to do something about the policies her votes have enabled. whenever, of course, she happens to be
up for reelection. Take ICE. Back in July, ICE shot an unarmed man in Baford, Maine. It would be wise for DHS to have a halt in non-urgent traffic stops until we get this straightened out. Straightened out. ICE didn't try and return a sweater without a receipt. They shot a guy. I'M TELLING ICE THE SAME THING I TOLD LLBAN. I WAS HERE LAST WEEK. But yes, it would be wise to reign in ICE. Susan Collins, perhaps by tying their funding to important reforms. Senator Susan Collins earlier this year voted for $70 billion in ICE funding with no reforms.
Oops. Or how about Trump's Office of Management and Budget, which has come up with the novel theory that it can just refuse to spend money Congress has passed into law. Well, you can guess who's pretty upset about that. Senator Susan Collins saying any effort to resend appropriated funds without congressional approval is a clear violation of the law. Yes, it's a clear violation of the law that is known as the Empowerment Control Act. And ignoring that law is a strategy masterminded by Office of Management and Budget Chief Russell VA, who Susan Collins voted to confirm. But how could she have known that VA
would try and pull something like this? The president ran on the notion that the Empowerment Control Act is unconstitutional. I agree with that. Troubling. Or what about abortion? I would not support a nominee who demonstrated hostility to Roie Wade. And to her credit, she only voted for four of them. Like so many enlightened mayors, Susan Collins is also worried about the effects of the antivaccine sentiment on our health as a nation. I am really worried that we're going to see outbreaks of measles. Totally preventable outbreaks of measles.
Yes. Totally preventable, SPECIFICALLY BY SUSAN COLLINS. Collins has voted to confirm RFK Jr. as head of the Department of Health and Human Services. BOO. YOU HEARD the JUDGMENT OF THE CROWD. BOO. YOU KNOW THAT LUCY pulling the football away from Charlie Brown metaphor? I can't figure out if Susan Collins is Lucy or Charlie Brown. She's either Lucy cynically pretending to be concerned about the obvious downstream effects of her votes despite repeatedly voting that way, or she is criminally naive about the inevitable
betrayal. Oh, I think this time the justices will actually No. In fact, the only thing you can be sure of with Susan Collins is if you try and hold her accountable for these contradictions, she's gone. You think you should release what he's got? You regret your Kavanagh. I really don't have anything to add at this point. I don't know enough to make a judgment at this point. I have not reviewed the yet. You haven't reviewed the yet? Do you think this is a good deal for the United States? So, I have not yet had a chance to review THE There is not a conveyance yet invented, car, escalator, elevator, door that can hold the Houdini Susan Collins.
SHE IS THE MASTER OF ALL egress except obviously the elevator. The elevator is tough. It's complicated. The buttons which symbol is which is greater than the ONE THAT CLOSES IT OR LESS THAN. NOBODY KNOWS. And by the way, if Susan Collins was actually a principled lawmaker, she would no longer be Senator Susan Collins. If I'm elected, I will only serve two terms. 12 years is long enough to be in public service, make a contribution, and then come home. and let someone else take your place. Oh, that seems interesting. Let me hold on one second here. Let me just very quickly I mean SHE OKAY, she made that statement in 1996 and a Senate term is six uh years. So, two terms is 12 uh years. So, that puts
us from 1996 to hold on 2008. Now, let me carry the this gig is awesome. Okay, hold on a second. And now it's 2026. Susan Collins made a two-term promise five terms ago. But it's fine. I'm sure she'll continue to have very serious concerns about term limits when she's running for her 18th term as head in jar. Point is, let's stop pretending that the overwhelming majority of Republican politicians will ever stand up or break from Donald Trump, will ever remove the ball gag that is in place. From grabbing by the Avenue to Insurrection Road to No More Wars except this one Boulevard, they're in the car. And the news media would be doing everyone a favor if you didn't try and play up every empty gesture of independence from
Republican lawmakers. It's cruel. You're getting our hopes up, Lucy. And as for you, Susan Collins, I'D LIKE TO HEAR AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY you shouldn't pay an electoral price for enabling all the terrible consequences that the people of Maine are facing as a result of your Senate votes. Frankly, I just think it's it's too early to make that kind of decision. But I am getting Where's she going? Son of a Let's kick things off with Donald Trump, 40time winner of the ongoing war with Iran. Now, today he launched a new website called America.gov, which uses AI to answer questions you have about the government. Questions
like, "Why is Massachusetts so hard to spell?" or "Why no bulge on Lincoln Memorial? and how to solve crime. This not Cash Patel BT dubs. But Trump didn't just launch an exciting new website today. He also brought in his most exciting cabinet member, Marco Rubio, to make his own exciting announcement. Starting next year, Americans will be able to apply for their first passport entirely online. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS LIKE AN APPLE PRODUCT LAUNCH? And one more thing, this passport FOLDS to the size of a passport. But hey, you know what? When I'm wrong, I admit it. The administration is really delivering on all its promises. I mean,
you remember the chance. Thank you very much. WOW. Promises made, promises kept. But Marco had more surprises in store because once you get that passport, it's going to look a little different. The words United States of America are now exactly where they belong. First, right on top. The eagle carries you across 250 years of America. You'd see it soar. Watch the eagle as you flip through it the pages. It stars. No, I think that's pretty good. Holy This is GOING TO TOTALLY BLOW THE MINDS of kids in 1928 who haven't seen Steamboat Willie. WOW. EXTRA MOVING PICTURES. READ ALL ABOUT IT. BUT WHILE Trump is basking in the roll out of America's high-tech website and 19th century tech passports, he's
embroiled in yet another ethical controversy. The Trump administration is facing some controversy after a new White House ad campaign aired on CBS and other channels. The TV spots say paid for by the US government. Critics say they look like campaign ads for the president. Wow. Okay. Now, now that is messed up. The government shouldn't be spending taxpayer dollars on campaign ads for President Trump. It should be spending that money on figuring out how to put water in the reflecting pool. Keep at it, boys. We are close to cracking it. We are. You know what? Okay, the money has been spent. Let's see what our sweet sweets tax dollars are paying for.
This is the final battle. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. We will expel the wararm mongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the communist Marxist and fascists. We will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. Weird. I have the exact same inner monologue when I'm walking to the office bathroom. Very strange. And aside from the legality of it, this ad is making some questionable artistic choices. Look, if you want to film an ad where it looks like Trump fired everyone from the Jennifer Hudson Spirit Tunnel, fine. But
why does it start with a 6second closeup of a storage closet? I mean, is that supposed to be a metaphor for where they're going to lock up the deep state, or is that like is that the closet Steven Miller sleeps in during the day? or is it just where they're storing the footage they shot that doesn't have a storage closet in it? The point is spending taxpayer money on a campaign ad is clearly indefensible. So, let's see how the White House defensibles it. But the administration rejects such a criticism. A White House release declaring the announcements are very clearly not campaign ads. President Trump is not on the ballot and there's no call to action.
Right. It can't be a campaign ad because Trump is not even ON THE BALLOT. IT'S just I feel like I heard someone say something different. So, I'm asking you TO PRETEND THAT I'M ON THE BALLOT. I'm on HE didn't just say it. He said it three times in a row. He's trying to be juice himself onto the ballot. But there is one other thing that makes me think this is a campaign ad, which is that this is literally a campaign ad they ran 2 years ago. It's the exact same footage. And you'd think even just to cover their ass they would film a new ad unless they thought about it and were like, you know, we can't do a new ad. That shot of the storage closet is just tooing good. You know, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO TOP IT.
I MEAN, IF YOU DIDN'T IF YOU didn't want to film a whole new ad, maybe there's a line you could think about cutting. We will expel the wararm mongers from our government. Yeah. Yes. That wararm mongers line hits different in 2026, doesn't it? Major OJ Simpson looking for the real killer vibes on that one. But let's move on to another TV commercial that's stirring up a controversy. This one is definitely a campaign ad and it comes from the great state of it comes from the okay state of Arkansas. Sarah Huckabe Sanders releases an ad attacking welfare and MAGA pundits are mad.
Me Brad has turned relaxing into a full-time profession. But you actually work hard. You pay taxes to cover welfare for guys like Brad who just choose not to work. No, no, hold on here. Are we sure we want this guy in the workforce? I don't want Dr. Brad leaving cheese balls inside me after surgery. Okay. Why are ma pundits mad about this anti-welfare ad? Can we see the rest of it? That's why I launched a welfare to work requirement. Almost there. Now more our canons are working than ever before. Even Brad. Okay. So, the message is welfare cheats should get a job. Now, I now I really don't see what conservatives are upset about.
Daily Wire writer Matt Walsh saying Republicans don't have the balls to do this ad with quote Sheniqua as the villain. Okay. You know what? I think I'm beginning to see it here, but go ahead. Say more. Another commentator accused Huckabee Sanders of having quote the audacity to dishonestly mock young white men as welfare queens. And one more says that the ad quote villainizes a white man. We all know exactly what a stereotypical welfare recipient looks like. Yes, exactly. Stereotypically speaking, you shouldn't show a white man on welfare.
You should show a white man who's a school shooter. Okay. That would be more appropriate. Do you guys have any more constructive suggestions? Well, what they should have done is they should have had, you know, Brad next to, you know, I don't know, Laquisha or something and then just, you know, put in some other characters in so like your equal opportunity offenders. Okay. Well, first of all, Brad's living in his parents' basement. You think he can pull a babe like Laquisha? dream of and also make the cast more diverse is such a weird argument for this group.
There should be a non-binary person in a wheelchair represented there as well. Conservatives are going to angry brainstorm themselves into making Hamilton too. But obviously these guys weren't looking to improve anything. They were already on their way to the pity party. It's not a great time to be a uh a strapping young white dude in America. The white man has been systematically discriminated against, locked out of jobs. The only group in America that there's no taboo to attack whatsoever is white men. It is tonedeaf. It is disgraceful. This should be taken down and there should be an apology to the young white men of this country.
Fair enough. To all the white men who saw a clip of a guy in his basement contributing nothing to society and you said, "Hey, stop making fun of me. I'm very sorry." Yesterday, after weeks of alarming headlines about artificial intelligence, Trump hosted all the major tech CEOs at the White House. It was like the last supper if everyone there believed they were the son of God. AND I for one am glad they had this summit because I assume it means we'll finally be getting federal guard rails on AI.
There will be no federal guard rails on AI. President Trump declaring AI leaders should police themselves. You want them to police themselves? Zuckerberg can't even police my aunt from commenting on all of my pictures. This is not a text message. Dan, Diane, you're on my Instagram page. Everyone can see this. So, if there aren't going to be actual regulations, what did they come up with instead? Instead, several companies have signed a voluntary joint agreement, suggesting industry leaders should implement internal measures to monitor and check their own AI models.
Is it binding in any way? I think it's morally binding. YEAH. Morally binding. Sure, we don't need laws. I'm sure we could trust these guys, you know. Well, no, no, not him. Uh, okay. Not him either, but Well, uh, well, I I don't really know who this guy is, so yeah, him. Let's entrust him with the future of humanity. I'm sure he's not a monster. This guy is a monster, and nobody knows. Damn it. I'm not saying that this self-p policing document they signed is that they barely bothered to read. But I will say they did misspell United States.
You know what? It doesn't matter because Trump has a greater concerns about his new technology. The president signing an executive order mandating federal agencies rebrand AI as SI. It's been officially changed to super intelligence or SI. Who should be held accountable when the AI agents committed a crime? It's not AI, it's SI. That's the other thing. We've changed the name officially today. We've changed the name, Steve, officially to SI. Okay. Sai like Sai. Sigh indeed, sir. Sigh indeed. Also, just a reminder, the question was, "Who should be held accountable when AI commits a crime?" And Trump's response is, "UH, IT'S SI that shut off your town's water, SI."
I mean, I know Trump loves renaming things, but these are some of the richest, most powerful people in the world. They're not going to change the name of their entire industry just because he told them to. That would be too humiliating. uh as you know we want to advance AI advance SI we I'm going to get good at this we are bringing those well-known best practices uh to the development of why I think it is worth highlighting the positive benefits of AI uh which SI pardon me we're all so you know what let's move on because while Trump was doing his best to screw up the future the rest of his party was endlessly litigating the past.
Yesterday, Senate Republicans hauled in Jack Smith, the special prosecutor who investigated Donald Trump for trying to overthrow the election and they made their feelings about him pretty clear. The American people were disgusted at your willingness to abuse power in partisan ends. Ja from lay miz would look at you with astonishment. What a disgrace to our justice system. You will go down as a total dirt bag. You make me want to throw up in my mouth. He makes you want to throw UP IN YOUR MOUTH.
Like it's an act of CHOICE YOU'RE MAKING. But I'm going to swish it around a little bit. Chew on the chunks. We call that Louisiana Mr. Rain. This hearing was another over-the-top performance by Republican senators to show their fieldy to President Trump by going after one of his enemies who had the gall to prosecute him just because he committed crimes. Which in today's Congress is just another Tuesday. But what made yesterday special was when Missouri Senator Eric Schmidt didn't just come with harsh insults. He had prepared a trap for Jack Smith. He was going to prove that Smith had colluded with another Trump-hating prosecutor when
they were both together in Atlanta, Georgia. And Eric Schmidt brought the receipts. Republican Senator Eric Schmidt claiming to have text messages proving Smith attended a Hawks basketball game in Atlanta in 2024. During the time Georgia prosecutor Fanny Willis was investigating Trump. Aha. Classic perjury trap. You get Jack Smith to say he wasn't in Atlanta. Then you reveal text messages proving he was at an Atlanta Hawks game. It's a perfect plan assuming it was the Atlanta Hawks. You're you're sure it was an Atlanta Hawks game, right? But it turns out the text messages obtained by Schmidt were not about the Atlanta Hawks NBA game. And Smith was not in Atlanta. He was in Maryland at an Iowa HAWKEYES COLLEGE GAME.
[groaning] HE CONFUSED Atlanta Hawks with the Iowa Hawk eyes. That's like mixing up NASA and NASCAR. Dale Etheart Jr., were you or were you not on the moon in July 1969? Yes or no? So, basically, the senator tried to spring a perjury trap on Jack Smith with evidence that proves that Jack Smith was right. And guys, just watch how excited he was to spring this trap. Did you go to an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks on February 3rd, 2024? I'm sorry, could you say that again? Did you go to an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks on February 3rd, 2024?
What city would that be in? Atlanta. No. Okay. Oh, look. Oh. Oh, look at that smirk. You know, he's got that Chris Hansen swagger. You see how this looks, don't you? Uh, he probably told his wife, "Make sure to watch me on TV today, honey." In fact, it would keep the kids home from school so they can tune in to C-SPAN. They're going to see Daddy's not the loser they think he is. And obviously, Jack Smith was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about." To which Schmidt replied, "But what if you did have an idea of what I WAS TALKING ABOUT?" BOOM. What would you say if I had a series of text messages from
your team that said you were in Atlanta at a Warrior Hawks game on February 3rd, 2024, the day after Willis and Wade announced their affair? We need a copy of the actual text. Oh god, they memorialized their mistake on a giant poster board. You know, the guy at Staples was probably like, "You know what? I know it's not my place, but you guys double checked all this info, RIGHT? THIS IS A BIG SWING. IT'S A BIG SWING. And look how happy Schmidt is. And look at Kennedy over here. THEY'RE SO EXCITED. They want to throw up in each other's mouths.
I mean, you hate to see their bubble get popped. Let's see their bubble get popped. I recall going to a University of Maryland basketball game where Caitlyn Clark was playing. Uh, right around that time. It was Maryland playing Iowa, I think February of 2024. Could it then be that University of Iowa's the Hawkeyes? Could that be it? Eric, do you need me to explain that in poster form? Eric, I mean, I don't want to say you're embarrassing your Republican colleague, Senator Schmidt, but look at Senator Katie Britt's face while your case falls apart.
I recall going to a University of Maryland basketball game where Caitlyn Clark was playing uh right around that time. Uh, and the Marshall Service was there with me. You could check if that was the exact date. It was Maryland playing Iowa. ARE YOU HAPPY, ERIC? ARE YOU HAPPY? YOU TRANSFORMED KATIE BRAND INTO MITCH MCCONNELL. JAMES. SO, BASICALLY, Eric Schmidt thought he was Tom Hanks in the Da Vinci Code when in reality he's Tom Hanks and Forest Gum.
Shame on you, Eric Schmidt. It's It's so ironic you neglecting women's basketball and now Amy Clolobachar gets to dunk on you. That might be the confusion over the names of the team, but perhaps you should have looked at it more carefully. Whose questioning is this? By the way, Mr. Chairman, are you using your time, Senator? Is this what this is? Are we just having like an open session here? Questions. I just I'm just Well, I'm glad you're trying to rehabilitate the witness, but it's not You are calling a witness a dirt. presented him with text messages about him wanting to meet with people that could have obviously been related
to the prosecution that was coordated with his office in Atlanta. Look how red he's getting. HE'S LIKE, "HEY, THERE WAS A WORLD WHERE THIS WORKED. OKAY, IF I HADN'T BEEN WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING, THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME." NOW, OBVIOUSLY, Senator Schmidt spent the rest of the day running away from the news media, but because this is 2026, he could always go to the right-wing media where everyone can pretend he did a great job. Dang. You uh so you had text messages from his team confirming that he was going to a Hawks game and he sat there acting dumbfounded and completely clueless. Senator Schmidt, you did a great job. So, gota got to give you some flowers here, sir.
Jesus Christ. It's like telling the captain of the Titanic, "Great job up that iceberg, bro." Number one. So, the most depressing thing about what happened yesterday is that two things happened yesterday. In one reality, the Republicans are so desperate to punish Trump's enemies that they embarrassed themselves in front of the world. Well, in the other reality, a heroic senator proved that Trump's prosecutors are evil liars. If we're going to be this willing to live in such separate realities, then you know what? I don't know, guys. Maybe we should be ruled by AI. It's not AI, it's SI. Sorry. Si, my bad. First off, it's Hispanic Heritage Month. And if you didn't know, it actually goes from September 15th to October 15th. It's
nice to see at least our calendar still allows Hispanics to cross a border. So yesterday, Trump held an event at the White House to celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month, which he definitely did because he loves them so much and not because he's losing their support right before the midterms. Either way, Trump had a special honor he was ready to bestow upon his amigos. We're going to do something a little special. We're going to open those doors and you'll be the first people of consequence to ever step on the new ballroom floor. Wow.
They get to tour the unfinished halfbuilt ballroom sites. Don't fall for it, guys. He's He's obviously trying to trick you into finishing the construction. COME ON IN. GRAB A HARD HAT. Lunch breaks from 1:30 to 1:40, guys. But look, this was a room full of Trump supporters, so I'm sure they were psyched to see the ballroom. And there's nothing Trump could do to dampen that excitement, even though he tried his best. You literally will be the first group ever to enter the premises. So, be very careful. Don't fall over the edge cuz it's a long way down and only a Hispanic could survive that fall.
I'm sorry. What is that? a racial stereotype. I'm not aware of that Hispanics are good at surviving long falls. Although, you know, for a man who started out labeling Hispanics as murderers and rapists to end up at bouncy, that's that's progress. Okay, let's move on. Because terrible poll numbers with Hispanics isn't the only thing dragging Trump down. He also has terrible poll numbers with people who don't like losing wars. The good news for Trump is that he has Pete Hegath, Secretary of Defense and guy who takes paintball way too seriously. And yesterday, Hexath got up in front of the official flag of not compensating for anything to lay out his
plan to take our military to the next level. We are no longer the woke department or the weak department. Simple translation of that. No fanny, no fatties, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals. Whoa. Wow. Worst Dr. Seuss book ever. Man, I will SAY I will say this kind of rhetoric is unacceptable from our defense secretary. Every American, no matter who they are or what they look like, should have the chance to fight a Middle Eastern country for no clear reason. That's the American way.
NOT TO MENTION, YOU KNOW WHAT? NOT TO MENTION, it probably would help if our military had at least a few beardos and weirdos, right? And what if Iran challenges us to Dungeons and Dragons? We need at least one druid in the party. HUZZAH. But Hexath really believes we need a more macho, aggressive military because, as he's told us before, our enemies in Iran are uniquely evil. Obviously, we're fighting religious fanatics. Of course. Of course, we are in a fight against religious fanaticism. And how are we going to defeat these religious fanatics? Our department is, you might say, putting on the full armor of God of
the sixth chapter of the book of Isaiah. Lord, here I am. Send me. As the psalmist put it, the Lord is on my side. As so Psalm 33:12 extols us. Yes. We know Psalm 33:12, no fatties, no beardos, no weirdos. Amen. We know. We've all read the Bible. We get it. But Pete Het didn't get up in front of an enormous flag and pace around like he was coming down from a cocaine bender just to talk about how he wanted his soldiers to be hotter and more religious. He also is launching a new high-tech initiative for the next generation. I'm announcing Project Meridian, an effort led by America's best minds to study the future of warfare.
Okay, that's certainly not the worst idea he's ever had. I mean, for one thing, it's the first idea that doesn't have slurs in it. So, we're already ahead of the curve. As long as these best minds studying the future of war really are the best minds America has. I mean, they are the best minds, right? Project Meridian will be co-led by three of our nation's best minds. Elon Musk, Homer Lucky, and N. GINGRICH. N Gingrich. Your list of America's TOP MINDS INCLUDES N. GINGRICH. HE'S NOT EVEN AMERICA'S TOP NOOT.
What future war is N. Gingrich going to help us with? We better hope it involves preventing Bill Clinton from acquiring nuclear BJs. Okay, so that's onethird of our brain trust. And Elon Musk, we already know. Excellent choice. Uh, but who's this Palmer Lucky? Palmer Lucky isn't your typical defense industry executive. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. STOP. WHAT HAPPENED TO NO BEARDOS, NO WEIRDOS.
Come on. THAT'S THE FIRST RULE. PSALM 33:12. He must have been like, "Oh, THIS. OH, THAT'S not a beard. My pubes just escaped onto the top of my shirt, you know. Seriously, who is this guy? His daily uniform, flip-flops and Hawaiian shirt, is more suited for Margaritavville than the military. I've always said that we need to transition from being the world police to being the world gun store. Wow. I'm sorry. This human vape pen is a military consultant. I didn't expect to see this guy working with the military.
I expect to see him as the youngest person at a Jimmy Buffett concert or the oldest person at a Wiggles concert. Now, if you're wondering how did GameStop Gaddafi even get his start, well, he actually invented the Oculus VR headset when he was only 19. And that's that's him. This guy invented VR goggles when he was only a teenager, despite being totally busy with like tons of parties he was invited to. So, frankly, I don't have much faith in this smashmouth cover band bringing the military into the future. But here's how bad things have gotten. I'm looking at these three and I'm thinking, "Thank God Elon Musk is there to be the adult in the room. Ah,
