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Ila, you came here today because there's something you haven't shared. It's something that I have known since I was little. It's just something that I honestly didn't really know how to formally address for a long period of my life. We're only on this earth for however long we are here. And I'll be damned if I'm not able to be fully who I am. Hey everyone, welcome back to OnPurpose. My guest today is Leila Taylor. Many of you know Ila from her show, The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, where she shared her journey through motherhood, divorce, dating, and navigating faith in Utah.
Today, she's opening up about experiences she hasn't fully shared before and the journey that brought her into a new chapter today. Please welcome Ila to OnPurpose. Leila Taylor, welcome Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here. I am so grateful that you're here today. People know your work. They know parts of your story. They see you on TV. But you came here today because there's something you haven't shared before. And I wanted to give you this space and ask you what's on your heart. Yeah. It's just something that I honestly didn't really know how to formally address for a long period of my life. Um, and that it's I'm gay and I'm by and date women and men. And it's just I think growing up I didn't fit in for a
lot of reasons in my childhood. I grew up in a very predominantly white area and being a little black girl, I already stood out so much to my peers and kind of took that on a lot more than I feel like I realized. And I always kind of had these thoughts and I kind of laugh about it now cuz I would be watching shows like Pretty Little Liars and I would watch like Shane Mitchell kissing a girl. I was like wait like why is that like hot? But I didn't know like what those feelings were cuz I didn't have queer representation around me of like I could look at it and be like, "Okay, like this is normal." And it wasn't necessarily that I had parents or I was Mormon at one point, but I didn't
necessarily have that pressure to not do that. I just didn't have people around me that modeled that. And it's just something that I for a long time didn't know if it was just a phase or something that you know maybe I'm just curious and I would just kind of underplay it for a long period of my life. And I don't know I just feel like I'm finally in the era that I'm over not being truly myself and I'm over not showing every part of Ila to the world. And yeah, I'm very proud to be by and I'm very proud now to be out. And I hope that if anyone's in a situation that I am as well that for a long time there, I didn't know if I could come out and truly be myself, I hope that they can
feel safe to do so and proud to do so. First of all, I'm so happy for you. Thank you. I can't imagine how good it feels to share it out into the world. This is the first time you've talked about it publicly, right? Yeah. I haven't addressed it yet. Why was now the right time for Ila to share this? Honestly, I went through a breakup at the beginning of this year and I feel like for just a long period of my life, I was constantly living my life for other people, whether if that was, you know, being a mom or I was in a marriage
at one point. I was married and I just feel like I was always fulfilling other people around me. And it honestly just caused me to never really focus on myself and never be able to like really just sit alone with who I am as a person and my feelings and kind of just really get to the root of why I felt certain ways. And I just kind of always just pushed it aside. And again, just I was just like, "Oh, this is just like a phase. Like you're not actually attracted to girls. Like you're just you're drunk at a party and you kissed a girl. Like it's no big deal. Like you're not gay. Like just ignore that." And I just feel like I just never was in a place that I feel like I could truly authentically focus on it. And I
think honestly that breakup was like a blessing in disguise cuz I feel like now I've been fully able to just focus on Leila and yeah, just focus on who I truly am. How does it feel to actually say it out loud and get it off your chest? Good. Honestly, I just feel like it's like, girl, this should have happened forever ago. I don't know why for so long I was so afraid, but it I mean there are people that are probably going to judge me and there's people that aren't going to be supportive of it. And luckily for me, like I'm in a position that I'm surrounded by so much love and so much support. And I know that I
haven't told a lot of people around me that I am. So this is honestly they're going to be finding out for themselves on this podcast. And I know that they're going to be nothing but supportive though. And I know that's not the case for everybody. And I'm so grateful that I am in the position that I am that I can truly be myself and feel the love and support. And I just wish that was the same for like everyone. Yeah, you're so right. Who was the first person you told? My best friend Kate. Okay. Yeah. We were actually on a trip together for Miami Swim Week and I was getting a text from somebody and she's like, "Who's who's this person like
texting you and calling all the time?" And I was like, "Oh, like it's no one." At first, she thought it was my ex and I was like, "No, like no, I'm don't circle back with exes. It's not an ex." But I was like and I finally was like, "Hey, like Kate, I have to tell you like it's a girl. Like I'm I'm by she's like, "Oh my gosh, like I'm so excited for you. Like that's amazing." So, I she was obviously the best person for me to tell first because she's just she just knows me so well and yeah, she's very supportive. It must be so relieving when the first person you tell actually sees you. Yeah. I feel like she's just like, "Okay, awesome." Like, "Cool." I don't know. I just feel like she didn't really like care. Not in a bad way, but she's like, "Okay,
awesome." Like, "I'm glad that you know you're happy. That's all I care about." Yeah. Have you shared this with any of the other cast members of Secret Lives? No, we've been kind of not in a bad place, any of us girls. I know that there's some friendships that are like in different places than they have been in the past, but I think right now we've just been kind of a little separate since just, you know, going on that pause from filming and everything like that. So, I just haven't seen any of them in person. And I feel like me coming out, it's not really like a text of like, "Hey, I'm bye." Feel like I
kind of want to see them in person to like let them know. So they might see this before and then I'll talk to them in person the next time I see them. But yeah, right now no one from the group knows. Wow. How do you hope they'll react or do you have no expectation? I think supportive. I don't think that anyone would not be. I think that I lucked out with like a cast that we all have our things and we're all supportive of each other regardless. That's actually amazing. It's awesome. I'm really I'm lucky for the group of girls that we have. Yeah, that's incredible. Tell me about the first time you've realized you were into both men and women.
I feel like I can't like necessarily pinpoint those kind of like those memories that I said that I was like watching Pretty Little Liars and I was like okay like huh or just like you know again like I would have like drunk moments. I would like kiss a girl but I would get always just downplay it. But it wasn't until recently actually that the girl that I'm talking to right now DM'd me and then we met up and we hung out and it was just kind of like that first kiss of like it wasn't this wasn't like a drunk moment like this was me intentionally going into a moment knowing how I felt about women and the first time you know actively dating a woman that I was like okay like this is
what I want to do also. So, I think it was like that moment that it wasn't just like a oo gotcha moment and like a this is where I want to be. Wait, did she just send you a DM hoping that you would Yeah. So, I actually I liked one of her TikToks that it was like I don't even know what it was. I think it was just something it was a thirst trap or something and I like liked it and she ended up just sending me like eye emojis and I was like, "Hey." So, I don't know. She just went on a whim. She told me she's like, "I didn't know if you were cuz I feel like on my page you can't obviously I feel like no one would know
that I am into girls. Obviously not until now." She just kind of went on a whim. Maybe like a gut feeling. And I'm Yeah, I'm really glad she did. So, wow. That's awesome. Wow. Look at you. That's like you haven't even got out there yet. That's amazing. Did you talk about sexuality growing up? Like was that a conversation in your family in your home? No, not at all. I think honestly that's one of the reasons why I probably got pregnant at such young age. I got pregnant when I was 19 and I feel like it wasn't necessarily something that they avoided cuz I feel like there was like some moments that they would make small little comments but they never really sat me down like ever had like a talk about anything so I kind of just
figured out everything on my own. Wow. When you look back now at that time what do you wish little Ila had that was different? I think just a little bit more support. I think I spent a lot of my childhood hiding things from my parents cuz I was just really afraid of like their reactions. just even small things like I lost my virginity when I was 15 and that was something my parents probably still to this day don't even know and I was very like terrified to tell them like little small details so even like these when I started to like have these feelings and have you know these thoughts I would have never gone
to them in a million years and I think that's honestly probably why for such a long time I felt like I had to stay closeted cuz I just didn't have the support system around me that I wish you know as a child that I did have and was that around the same time as Mormonism came into your life as well. Yeah. So, I converted to the church when I was 16. Wow. What was it about losing your virginity at 15 and converting at 16? I feel like I kind of went through like a I don't even know, just like a phase that I was kind of rebelling a little bit from like probably like 14 to like right before I converted. And I don't know, it just kind of set me back on
track for like a second. But I was still kind of doing I was still like sleeping with my boyfriends in high school and stuff like that. It almost just kind of gave me a little bit of like a moral compass I feel like I didn't necessarily have before. I can relate to some degree because I got deep into spirituality when I was 18 years old and I obviously went and lived as a monk after, but it became part of my life so young. I have such a love for the wisdom I learned and I have such a love for my teachers, but I'm not as much of a fan of the institution.
Yeah. And it's just a really interesting experience as I've got older and older. I'm older than you, but as I've got older and older from that stage, it's just I have such an interesting relationship at that time in my life. And I'm like, what was it that you were seeking apart from rebellion? What were you seeking at that time that Mormonism met or made you feel? I think for me, one of my biggest things just having a very messy childhood where I didn't have that family consistency that like a lot of families did have in the Mormon church. I feel like I spent a lot of times at my friends houses kind of avoiding what was going on at home. And I feel like a common theme I would notice between all of them was how
strong their families seemed together. So I think just being 16 and being young and kind of optimistic about the world, I was like, "Hey, like I'm missing that one thing that would make me have a happy family one day, and that's being Mormon." So I just it was everyone around me is Mormon. I think 98% of my school was enrolled in seminary, which is like an hour block in your schedule that you can go and like learn more about the church. So, everyone around me is Mormon is like all that I knew. And I just thought that was the way that you're supposed to live life. Yeah. When you look back on that, what are the lessons that you feel have really improved your life, bettered your
life, things that have stayed, and then the things that you're like, I need to unlearn that, need to leave that behind? I honestly I feel like I didn't really take a lot away from my experience being Mormon. I think I would go to sacrament meetings and I would try my best to like attend, but I just feel like my heart was never fully in it. I was really only just there to fit in and to just have one less thing that people would notice was different than my peers, you know, like already being black and like, you know, having these thoughts in the back of my head of like liking girls but not wanting to admit it. It was just like one more thing. And I was like, "Hey, if I check this box off, I'll fit in a
little bit more with everyone around me." So, I honestly I don't feel like I really took a lot out of going to church. I truly would just show up to say that I was there. And yeah, like but it pulled me out of a really dark place. I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues in high school and obviously dealing with things at home. So it gave me a lot of purpose to kind of keep going and to have motivation that it was going to work out. So I am grateful for the church in a lot of ways just cuz it did pull me out of that dark place that I honestly don't think I could have pulled myself out of on my own. Obviously, there's a lot of things within the church that I mean, now being
openly gay, like obviously that's not something that they're supportive of. So, there's a lot of things that like I don't love and I wasn't obviously aware of them at the time when I was little and converting. Um, but I'll always be grateful for the positive impact it had on me. It's such a natural experience when we're in our teenage years to just want to fit in. Yes. Exactly. just want to belong to a place where you don't feel different, you don't feel otherred, you don't feel like there's something hard to understand about you. And you mentioned then, I know you've talked about it on
the show as well, being a black woman in predominantly white areas, white experiences. Talk to me about what that experience was like for you. Like what were the questions in your head or what were the things that you were struggling with, grappling with internally? I think I just didn't have a lot of black peers around me. So, it's just all I saw was just pretty blonde girls with blonde hair and blue eyes or green eyes. And I just think being young and very impressionable, that's what I honestly for a long time thought that was the definition of beauty. I truly thought that was what I needed to like look like to fit in and for guys to like me and all those things. And it was just so sad. I remember one of my like
worst experiences in high school is one night I actually attempted to bleach my skin, which is so sad that I even did that, but I just thought I had to do all these extremes just to fit in. And I just wish that someone would have just told me that I was pretty and that I was worthy regardless of what color my skin was. And just because I don't look like people around me doesn't mean that I'm any less than them. Honestly, no. But being a mom, I feel like having little boys of my own that look up to me, I'll make sure that they have those affirmations about themselves that like I wasn't taught. And it's just honestly taught me how to be a better mom.
Wow. Talk to me about the process of even trying to bleach your skin. Like how did that even come about? I just again me just being little. I was like 10. I thought that if I drew a bath and I put a bunch of bleach in it and then I sat in the bath and scrubbed, it would like cause my skin to lighten. I just think I was just very young. I didn't know how that would work, but just anything I could possibly do to like fit in, I wanted to try to do. I mean, even just like my hair, I went on to this on my show of me kind of just finally like owning me being black and experimenting with my hair, but my whole entire life growing up, my mom taught me that my curly hair was just hard to
manage for her. So, the second that she could, she started straightening my hair, and that's all I knew for a long time was just, okay, just straighten your hair. Like, don't if it starts to get curly, like straighten it really quick. again like you don't want people to know that your hair is like actually naturally curly and has texture and it's something that I hid for a long time. So I just think any part of myself that would show that I was black I was so afraid to and that breaks my heart to say but I think it's caused me to do a complete 180 now being even though it did take me 25 years to get to this point that I'm so incredibly proud to be black and to represent a huge community
of the world on the show. I feel like I'm in such a unique position being the only black cast member and I'm just really proud to be able to represent a lot of people. Talk to me about that journey from was it a sense of shame? Was it or was it just a sense of feeling otherred and different and then how do you even get from going there to actually developing a sense of as you just so beautifully said a sense of pride a sense of representation a sense of I actually am standing for something and that's more important than fitting in. Talk to me about that journey that you've been on.
I mean, it was hard. I think again, I would just shy away from anything that made me feel different. And I honestly think the biggest shift for me was having my own kids cuz they're a quarter black. But either way, they're still black. And I don't want them to feel the things that I felt. And just seeing them and, you know, seeing how beautiful they are and, you know, I want them to be proud of themselves and proud of every single part of themselves. And I can't do that if I'm not proud of me. And I think that was where the big shift for me happened. And yeah, I mean, it was a hard thing. I remember the first time I wore a wig, I was like, "Oh my, take it off. Like, I hate this." I just, it felt
so foreign to me. But I think the more I've been doing it and the more I've just been fully just loving myself. I like love it and I love, you know, just owning me fully. I love hearing about how your kids have inspired you to to want to stand on your own two feet and really represent who you want to be and what you believe in and for them to experience that and it's fascinating how when you're caring for a little person, there's almost like all of these lessons and reflections that almost make sense almost immediately. I feel like it just honestly alters the way you just handle life and you go forward and just Yeah, it changes the way you think about a lot of things. You got pregnant at 19.
What was your emotion like when you first find out? Oh, terrified. I actually have kind of like It's funny now in the moment. It was not funny. I was obviously not being safe with my boyfriend now or ex-husband now. Um, and I knew what, you know, would potentially happen if we weren't being, you know, safe. But I didn't think it was a possibility that I would actually be pregnant. And I went to an urgent care because I thought I had some type of weird stomach bug and they're like, "Is there a possibility that you're pregnant?" I was like, "No, there's there's like literally no way I'm pregnant." Like, "No, no, that wouldn't happen." And they ended up testing me. That's how I found out was in an urgent care on my own by myself in
Provo, Utah. And it was the most terrifying day of my life at that point. I didn't have a lot of family support. I was kind of not isolated in Utah, but my boyfriend at the time was like all I really like had. So when I found out I was like, "Okay, like I don't know what I'm going to do at that point." Like I didn't know if like I should move forward with pregnancy. I don't know if I should put the baby up for adoption. I didn't know if I should marry this guy, date this. I didn't know what to do. I think I had so many questions in my head and didn't know how to proceed. But I they changed my life, both my kids, for the better. And I'm so grateful to be their mom. But it's definitely a
terrifying experience to get pregnant when you don't really have the support around you at such like an young age. How did you decide that marriage was the option and not to actually open yourself up to other experiences or explore? In my head, I felt like I almost messed up some steps by getting pregnant before we were married that I was like, "Hey, at least like let me give my family like a chance of us being together." I think coming from a broken household and experiencing divorce and kind of the very toxic dynamic my parents had growing up with each other, I wanted the opposite of that for my kids. And I think just being so terrified of being a single mom, I was like, "Okay, like I
have to marry him." And now I'm a single mom. So obviously that didn't, you know, pan out exactly how I was envisioning it, too. But I'm still happy that we gave it a shot. I think that obviously, you know, divorce isn't easy and it's not fun. Um, but if we wouldn't have gotten married, I wouldn't have had my second baby. So I think everything happens for a reason. Big news. Juny just launched at Kroger and we're celebrating with a free can for you. Because most of us hit that point in the afternoon when our energy dips and the focus starts to fade. Well, that's exactly why we created Juny. A
sparkling drink crafted with natural ingredients to lift your mood, sharpen your focus, and give you smooth energy all without the crash. Now available at Kroger stores including Ralph's, Fred Meyer, King Supers, Smiths, and Fries where you can grab a free Juny on us. So head to drinkjuny.com/croger to claim your free can in store so you can feel better and live better. It feels like you've lived so much life. Yeah. In like such a short amount of time. Whether it's conversion, whether it's becoming a mom, whether it's moving from dating to marriage. Like there's so many. I mean, when you look back on it now, do you kind of go, God, how did I even do all of that?
Oh yeah. Sometimes I'm like, I don't know how I'm still standing. But I think it made me who I am. I wouldn't take back anything that I've experienced in my life. I feel like truly I've been put through those challenges to be able to help other people. I say this all the time, but I feel like having a platform, you're put in a position that you can use your platform for good or bad. And truly, if I'm able to just help one person by sharing my story, I feel like that's why I do what I do. And yeah, I'm just everything has led me to where I am today. And I wouldn't change a thing. Yeah. You've said that at one point your marriage became manipulative. Yeah.
Was that something that was always there and you kind of ignored it and didn't notice it or was it something that kind of came later on? No, unfortunately we had a very toxic relationship from the start. I just think that we never really knew each other on a deeper level. I think it was very surface level for a long time and then when we got pregnant it was just kind of we felt like we had to get married like I said. Um, and I just think we never had the proper foundation of a relationship to be able to, you know, withstand being married and, you know, taking on challenges that you
obviously occur that occur when you're married. So, I think it was always there, but I was so scared of being a single mom that I was like, "Okay, this is what I have to do." Like, make your husband happy, you know, take care of the home, have the babies, take care of the babies. And that's kind of all that I was doing for that time that I was married. So, I just think I ignored everything. You were saying a few moments ago that you didn't want to be a single mom. That's why and you were like, I deserve to give this a shot, which is why you got married. I can't then fathom how hard it was when you're like, well, this isn't working.
It's toxic. It's manipulative, but the only other option is being single. What was the final straw that made you go, "No, it's okay to accept this fear." The reason I'm asking is there's a beautiful piece of Zen wisdom that says that we'd rather accept the pain we know than the pain we don't. And so the pain you have right now when it's toxic and manipulative, it's like, well, that's better than leaving and being alone. And a lot of people stay in jobs, relationships with parents, family for so much longer. Do you think you stayed too long? And what made you shift finally? What was it that really made you go, I'm willing to accept the uncertainty?
I honestly I don't think I stayed for too long. I feel like I truly wanted to step away from the marriage knowing that I gave it my all and attempted as much as I could to, you know, put in place more healthy coping mechanisms when they're going through fights and like all these things. I feel like I just wanted to make sure that like I really gave it my all. And I think my final straw was just the word divorce would be held over my head a lot. And I think he just knew that was my biggest fear coming from a broken household and seeing that happen in front of me as a little girl. I think that was just terrifying for me, that concept. And it was kind of a way to get me to fall into
line of like where I think he wanted me to behave. And I think he just said it for the final time that I was like, I can't keep begging you to stay with me. I know my worth and I know that like I am a good partner and if you can't see that, then like it's okay. Um, and I'll always have a place for him in my heart. I think that he is a phenomenal dad. Truly one of the best dads I've ever like seen and witnessing him love my boys is amazing. But I think in terms of just us working out as a partner. Um it just wasn't for us. But yeah.
What was his reaction when you told him that? Like the he was actually the one that brought it up and normally I would kind of fight back and I was like no don't do this. Like let's talk this out. Like let's go to therapy. Let's do this. Let's do that. But he just said it for the final time that I was like okay yeah like you're right. um probably go pack your stuff and we'll start to figure out like the next steps. So, I think his reaction wasn't what he expected me to do. I think he normally he was just used to me just begging and graveling and wanting this to work and all the things. So, I think when I finally was like, "You're right. Like, let's let's make this happen." I think it probably caught
him off guard. But, I mean, I think he had to have known deep down like enough would have been enough at some point. Gosh. When you finally left and were a single mom, how did it feel compared to how you thought it would feel to be free? I think there was so much good around it. Like I wasn't in a toxic relationship. And you know, like me and my babies got like this fun little night routine that we would do every night, but there was also so much hard things that came at the beginning of my single motherhood journey. Tell me about this. Yeah, I didn't for a little bit there. I didn't have an income. This was before the show came to be and before I started making money on brand deals. And there
was time periods that I was borrowing money from family and I would be grocery shopping and I would buy $30 worth of groceries for the whole week. And my kids would get food, but I would eat like their scraps after they ate cuz I couldn't afford to buy that. And I was getting eviction notices flopped on my door. And this was right around the time that we started filming for the show. So, while all this was happening behind the scenes and I was terrified to let anyone know cuz I was so embarrassed that I was like mad at myself. I was like, "You should have just stayed married. At least married, you had food on the table. At least married your lights weren't getting shut off. At least married you could pay your rent."
So, it was almost like a shame thing that I was Why did you do this? You should have just stayed with him because now look at you now. And I was trying to almost keep up a facade cuz I was just embarrassed to tell the girls. I don't honestly even think that some of them know this to this day of like how badly I was struggling at the beginning and then I was showing up to filming every day trying to slap a smile on my face not letting anyone know what was happening behind the scenes. So I think yeah my start of single motherhood was not good and I'm very grateful to be in the position that I am now. I can't even put into words how grateful I am for the show and for the people
around me like my team that you know they believed in me from the start and have been by my side throughout all of this. Um, it Yeah, it was definitely a rocky start, but grateful for it though. It taught me a lot. God, I had no idea. Yeah, that I mean, you're saying it with a smile on your face right now, but yeah, I think it just taught me a lot and it taught me to be very, very grateful for what I have. I will never ever take for granted the position that I'm in. I think it will never feel real. even just doing small things that coming today to do this podcast and being able to like buy a flight for myself. That's something that, you know, when I was at
the start of single motherhood, I wouldn't have ne never been able to do. And yeah, I just I'm just so grateful and I feel like that's why I'm able to look at it, you know, positively now is that I've seen how hard it can be and I'm just really grateful that I got to the other side. Talk to me about a night during that time which was the worst night. like the memory that when you think about it, you were at rock bottom. I don't even know. There's just so many nights that I would just sit there just thinking and questioning how I was going to keep going for The Boys. And there's times that like I was debating just texting my ex and being like, "Hey, like
I need you to like take the kids and I might need to go move in with my sister." Like I just at that point I didn't know how to continue on the road that I was on. And it was scary cuz all I wanted to do is just be a mom for them and to show up for them because that's what they deserve. of their innocent little babies. They deserve to like not have to worry about where their next meal was coming from. And it was hard and it was scary cuz I just also just didn't want to tell anyone around me cuz it was just a lot of embarrassment. And I shouldn't have been embarrassed. I wish I would have asked for help from more people. But I think I'm such a not prideful person, but it's just so hard
for me to ask for help. I think growing up I never asked for help from like my parents for small things. When I was dealing with my mental health issues, I really had no idea when I was dealing with my eating disorder issues. I had no idea. So, I think I've just been like ingrained since a little girl to just kind of like shut your mouth and suck it up and it'll maybe work out. And yeah, I think just yeah, there's just a lot of nights of just I didn't know how I was going to move forward. Yeah, thank you for sharing that. I mean, I feel like we don't realize how easy it is to end up in a position like that and how difficult it is. And that's why so many of us will stay longer in relationships or wherever we are because
the alternative is a path that you're like, why did I do this to myself? Like, why am I putting myself through this pain? When did you start to be open to the idea of dating again and meeting someone new? And how were you starting to navigate that? Honestly, I dated pretty quickly after me and my ex separated. I think for a long period of my life, I used to seek validation and other people really bad. And I think it was almost like because I had those, you know, those abandonment wounds that I, you know, suffered from when I was a little girl. I just always put my self worth into how other people viewed me and how other people perceived me. And I think I would put that a lot into my
partners. So, I just feel like I never really knew how to be alone. And that honestly it would like scare me like I don't have someone that I can like rely on all the time. Not even just like you know physically or like you know financially. It's more just like emotional like I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. I didn't want to be alone in general. And I think I would just always jump into relationships and I feel like I would see comments on life people like oh just she's in another relationship other every other season. Like I actually like you guys are right for that. Honestly, there was a long period of my life that I just felt like I couldn't be alone with myself. And
that's, you know, that led me to not be able to be authentic to me because I didn't know who I was for such a long time. Do you think you feel more comfortable being alone now? Oh, yeah. I feel like I honestly value my alone time. I feel like that's how I've been able to come, you know, to the conclusion and, you know, finally accept that I am by. And I wouldn't have been able to do that if I was with somebody. So, I really do value my alone time. I feel like it's given me a lot of perspective and just yeah, being able to find out who I am.
What was it about being alone that gave you that confidence to look within and actually be comfortable with saying that out loud? Yeah, I think again just not living for other people and just being able to fully focus on me and I don't know, I feel like Yeah, just not having to do things for other people's approval I feel like really helped me. Yeah. It's only when you switch off all the noise from outside that you can actually hear your inner voice. And then when it gets louder, you realize, oh, that's what I should have been listening to all along.
Not listen to all of these other opinions and ideas and expectations and everything else everyone wants me to do. But you're so right. You have to find that alone time. And I often ask people how many months in their life they've actually spent alone. And when I say alone, I don't mean dating, pursuing with someone. I mean, where you weren't thinking about that. Yeah. And it's quite shocking to me that if you speak to an adult, they'll be like weeks like people are constantly looking for relationships or in one and you don't actually get the space to do what you just said. 100%. Yeah. It's it's hard to be alone and it's hard to be like alone with your thoughts and to be able to just feel emotions, especially like post breakup.
there's people that, you know, rebound and do those things to kind of like, you know, mute those thoughts that you have and all those things. And yeah, I just think it's very, it's really good to be alone sometimes. One of the story lines on the show is this idea that you're not satisfied by your male sexual partners. Was that difficult to say out loud? Like were you scared to I honestly when I said it in the moment I was just I forget that the cameras are there half of the time and I'll just be like oh I'm just like with my girls and I just shared something I didn't think it would have the impact that it did until the season came out and I had so many DMs of women being like I haven't
and thank you for sharing this and making me feel less, you know, alone in that situation. And yeah, I just didn't think it was going to be such a big thing for me to share. And probably a good thing that I didn't realize that in the moment cuz then I probably like, "Oh my god, no wait, cut that." But I'm I'm glad that I did cuz I feel like it opened up a really big conversation for people that have dealt with that. Talk to me about that wider conversation because I think it's almost like all those men are going to feel terrible about themselves obviously.
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't I did get some comments like that of people being like I feel so bad for her exes and like that wasn't my intentions to like throw them under the bus. Yeah. And be like, "Yeah, you like never made me." It was more of just like kind of breaking that taboo that I think especially I don't know if everyone feels this way but I think for me dating men for so long I would view sex as I needed to make sure the man always was pleasured every single time and like I don't really matter as long as like they're good and taken care of and like it's good and like that's all in my head I thought sex was for such a long time and it opened up that conversation that I feel like a
lot of people felt the same way and Yeah, it's such a fascinating conversation because of how patriarchal society has wired us, how porn is wired us. A lot of that is so wired that way and geared that way that sadly it naturally ends up resulting in how we feel sexes in real life. And I think men are kind of trained in that way and conditioned to think that. And then like you said, women end up getting trained that way. And then you end up in this position where until someone calls it out. Yeah. And I didn't realize that it was like a thing. I just I was like I didn't even know what it felt like cuz I
have never experienced that. And knowing that like people are like, "Oh no, like my boyfriend makes sure that every single time I do, I'm like, what are you talking about?" Like I just never experienced that because I just didn't think that's how it worked. And I think it also relates back to what I said earlier like I didn't have like the birds in the bee conversation with my parents. Like I didn't know how any of that worked. And I think that probably led to that as well of me just having like this preconceived idea of what sex was in my head for such a long time. It's almost like when you were pregnant from having sex was the first time you actually honestly. Yeah. Cuz like I knew what it
was. Like I know like how sex should like end, but like I just didn't know like the details I guess. Yeah. Sex education in America obviously isn't doing any good. Yeah. at school. Like it's I think about that all the time. I'm just like how is it that it's taught so poorly in schools and no one really has a clue? Yeah. I didn't get any sex classes growing up. Oh, you didn't? Not at all. Not one. Yeah. So I think it just is that because of where No.
I think maybe where I grew up was again like very predominantly Mormon. And I just think that again people a lot of people think that if you don't address it then like people won't be curious about it. But I think if anything it at least from me and my perspective being you know very young and having sex for the first time I think it made me more curious if anything. So I think me going now being a parent like I want to address these things with my kids and address and be like we're all going to have those urges and like this is what you do if you're in this situation and like teach them how to have safe sex and all the things. So again, I think all my experiences in life have just really led
me to rewire my brain on how I want to be a parent and hopefully, you know, other people same thing cuz I think yeah, my faults, not that they're faults, but I think those experiences have led me to want to kind of do things differently. What's the Mormon approach to sex? Don't have it until you're married. Okay. Yeah. But then still kind of the point of sex a little bit when you're Mormon is just to procreate, right? not really for the enjoyment. I don't know, maybe some people would like argue differently with that. But I know like a lot of members of the church that don't even have like toys or like they things like that like they it's just literally just to make babies for some people which is unfortunate cuz I think
it's you know a great thing and do people actually follow through with that like are there are people in the church actually stay strict to that? I think so. Yeah. Like a lot of people I know, you know, the first time they have sex is when they get married and they get pregnant really fast and all the things, which I also think is, you know, that's what we're taught is to just make babies. So I saw in a lot of religious institutions the opposite where it was there was the rule of no sex before marriage. And then there was the same as what you're saying, only for procreation, but the majority of people were still having
sex. They just wouldn't tell anyone. So then there was like this shame and guilt attached to it. and everyone's pretending. Yeah. But saying that they're not because that's what the standard is. And it's fascinating to me how you kind of get stuck in these anti-authenticity loops where you think you're being authentic because you're trying to live up to this ideal, but then no one's actually living up to it and we're all pretending we are. So, I've always found it so interesting how humans because this isn't about it actually isn't about religion or God.
It's how humans can gather to kind of set a standard and people either pretend to live up to the standard or they don't know what to do with it. Yeah. And they fake it. Kind of keeping up with the Joneses, I feel like, is like a phrase that we have in Utah that everyone, you know, we all have our secrets and like our things that we don't share. And it's just kind of to keep it that facade that you, you know, are this perfect member. Yeah. When did you let go of that wanting to be the perfect member?
I haven't been active probably for four or five years now, but when I was married, u me and my ex would go sometimes like here and there, but we weren't really active members either. It was again kind of the same thing to kind of keep the facade up and you know keep with what we thought we had to do. But when we separated, I was like, "Okay, like I finally am like I'm able to not have to keep up this facade that I know that I tr truly don't believe in," which was Yeah, that was nice. How did you decide that you were finally ready to start dating women? I don't know like there was like an exact moment that I remember like it just like dawned on me. I think just it felt right. Mhm. But did you
feel like there was you said earlier like there was this sense of like you should have done this the whole time like is there a sense of like lost time or that I held myself back? I think everything played out how like it was supposed to. I think obviously I wish I would have, you know, came out a lot sooner, but I also think I was going through so much that it would have been still swept under the rug like it did for so long. I just think a lot of things just were not more important in that moment, but just took precedence a little bit, like becoming a single mom and like things that I dealt with in childhood and all those things. I just
think it just never felt like the right time to like just dive into it. And I think honestly just like the concept of coming out in general is just kind of something that I've never really understood. And obviously like I can hold space for people that like are taught either in their homes or like in their religions that you know love is between a man and a woman, but I think the concept that we're all just born straight is something that like I've never been able to fully like conceptualize. And coming out and just having to say like I like girls and boys is just I never could see myself like sitting down at a podcast and saying this, but I also understand like the position that I'm in that there's so
many people that look up to me and maybe, you know, resonate with my story. And if I can help someone feel just more comfortable to be able to be true to themselves, then I want to do that. But yeah, I feel like I just never could picture myself like coming out in this way, I just thought that maybe I would just show up with a girl one day and people would be like, "Oh." And I'd be like, "Yeah, what about it?" But yeah, so I just think I just never had like an idea in my head of like when it was going to happen. I just think I just always thought it was going to happen at some point.
What was your like biggest fear in your mind with what it would feel like to come out? Like what was the thing that you were like, I keep getting close. Yeah. I'm about to say it. I'm about to act on it, but I this keeps blocking me. I think it was just so foreign for me because I, you know, dated for men for so long, my whole entire life. And that's all I knew. Like I obviously had like, you know, experiences with women, but like I never in depth, you know, got to know women on like a intimate level and all those things. So I think for me for so long it was just very foreign and scary. Um, but I think, you know, you
can't get over that without getting through it. And I think I just was like, "Hey, like you know that you are. Stop being like scared of like the whatifs and like the unknown and just you could just got to dive in." So, yeah. What surprised you about dating women compared to men? Oh my gosh. Everything. Not like surprised me, but like already just like more like emotionally aware about certain things and very patient. I feel like at least who I'm talking to right now, she's just been very understanding and kind of letting me take this at my own pace because it is just so foreign to me and it is so new. Um, and yeah, I just think the level of like understanding and just like being there for me. Yeah.
How do you feel about certain people who may disagree, may not be happy about it, may have different views? Like I'm sure you've thought about that and had to think about it being so public and yeah I think I have tried to like play by the books you know in certain ways. I feel like looking back on like my experience even on the show, I feel like season one and season two, I tried so hard to do everything right and I still had people that hated me. And now, you know, being more vocal and being more outspoken, I still have people that hate me. And I just think we're only on this earth for, you know, however long we are here. And I'll be damned if like I'm not able to be fully who I am. And if you
don't like that, then that's okay. And I can understand if like you were raised a certain way and you have certain values and standards maybe. But I think for me, I just Yeah, I just it shouldn't bug you if people choose to love whoever they want to love. I think it's just it's nobody's nobody's business at the end of the day. Yeah. Is there any of it that does affect you or get through to you? I know. For me, there's always something that kind of just like creeps through and you're like, "Oh, man." Like, I just I wish like I always say, I wish I could sit everyone down and tell them what my intention was and how I feel and who I am. And if they got to spend like an hour with me, then maybe they'd feel
different. But is there anything that ever just like gets to you sometimes and you're like, "Oh, this keeps me up at night." I think the only insult that people can ever say to me that like actually like is like that hurt a little bit is anything to do with parenting. I think that's like the one thing that I'm like I'm so protective over my baby. So that's something that like I didn't get growing up and I think that's the one thing that will always just kind of hit home is if someone says something about like my parenting. I think everything else like looks say what you want to say. Now if I'm being gay and that offends you say what you want to say but I'm like my babies don't say anything about them ever.
Yeah. I feel and I feel like the internet is good at talking about everyone's babies and mothering motherhood. I feel like I get it's so I can't imagine how hard that is as a mom or a dad or a parent. Like I can't imagine how difficult that is because everyone's kind of telling you like this is the right way and that's wrong and yeah, I mean that seems exhausting. Yeah. I think parenting is just it's such a one-off experience for every single person. Like every child is different, every parent's different. And there's no textbook for how to parent properly. There's no textbook of how to
handle situations of, you know, how to just be a parent. It's hard. It's it's challenging every single day. It teaches me new things about myself that I didn't even know before. And yeah, I think that's the one thing that I'm like just parents, we're doing our best. And ultimately just as long as your kids health and you know mental health is being protected in the day and they're happy and healthy that's all that matters. So you've you've mentioned that for your kids right now. You've talked about health and mental health a couple of times. Like what do you do for yours and your kids health and mental health? Like what are the priorities?
Definitely a lot of affirmations. I didn't really hear a lot of that growing up. I feel like I honestly had very negative selfworth. I don't think I know. I had very negative self-worth for a long time cuz I felt like I heard the opposite a lot growing up. Even just small things like my mom would be looking in the mirror and she's like, "Oh, I'm so fat or this or my dad would say, you know, mean comments to my mom." So, I just felt like I never heard positive selft talk about themselves or others around them. And I think my biggest thing for my boys that we do like affirmations that like I have them sit in front of the mirror and say like, "I'm handsome and I'm smart and I'm
loved and I'm cared for and like all these things that kind of just like set their mind already of just being grateful and loving themselves." I think that's just so important and that honestly can set you up for success in your life in so many ways. Whether that's, you know, your career path, school, um, confidence in sports, you know, confidence in relationships, just so many things. I just think that uplifting yourself is so important and so undervalued. And I just think that's like my biggest thing with my boys. I just want them to love themselves and love everyone around them and just be good people. That makes sense. And when you said selfworth, I was wondering, talk to me about the moments in your life where you
experienced low selfworth. A lot of it stemmed from, like I mentioned, just growing up just being the only black kid in a room full of 30 students and I'm the only kid there that's black. I think that triggered a lot in me just not valuing myself and my individuality. But I think also I struggled with an eating disorder um throughout high school and then it resurfaced here about probably a year ago and I feel like I'm kind of in remission from it right now. Um, and I'm really proud of myself for getting that to that point again. But I think I've always had a very jaded perspective of, you know, my worth and my image and all those things. And I think I'm finally in a position that I am realizing that like again those negative selft talks can affect my
children and they view their mommy as beautiful and kind and you know all these good things and I want to be able to say those things about myself back and I try to look at myself as like a little girl that I would never like see a little girl saying there be like you're ugly or you're fat or no one likes you at school. Like I would never do that. So, I try to talk to myself as if I was like that little girl. I have such a concern for young women right now, especially in terms of what they're exposed to online, the name calling, the criticism of women's bodies. It just feels like we're going backwards.
Like, we haven't gone in the right direction. And I can't imagine what it feels like to be a mom and have kids. And whether they're young boys or young girls or young children that are having to grow up right now and be exposed to all of that, I'm like, I'm sure you feel so protective. But also, what do you do? Yeah, I think it's inevitable, but hopefully setting them up with the right tools to handle those things properly, I think, is what I'm trying to do for my kids. I think I don't think I would have maybe not experienced the things that I would have or I did. I mean either which way I couldn't change the circumstances of where I grew up. But if I had those, you know, coping mechanisms that were
healthy, I think I would have been able to overcome those a lot better than I did. Um, so I think just being able to instill those in my boys and, you know, in everyone, I think that's how you get through those things is just being able to have the proper tools to handle them. Yeah, it sounds like you're investing in all the right stuff. I mean, you can hope, right? What I find phenomenal is just it just shows us that as soon as you feel responsible for someone else, you realize how valuable it is what you put in your mind, your body, and everything else, right? Like that's what it comes from. As soon as you realize that your actions affect someone else, you start to take so much more accountability and
responsibility for everything you eat, consume, read, listen to. Yeah. Honestly, even though even on that too, like having a platform as well. I think that there's so many, you know, young women, men that watch our pages and watch the show and I wouldn't want to affect them and have my poor choices affect them as well and they, you know, mirror those. So, I think being in the position that we are, um, all of us women on the show, I think that again using our platforms for good is it's beneficial for like a lot of people. Yeah. What's your if you could say this is what I want to use my platform for right now, what would you say it is?
I think owning single motherhood and being proud to be a single mom. Um, owning being a black woman, owning being a woman, um, and now owning being a by woman. So, yeah, I think just being truly authentic to like who yourself. I hope that's what people take away from my page. Yeah. Have you spoken to your partner and potentially even your children about your new relationship? They aren't really involved with it right now. I think obviously I'm still kind of exploring and kind of trying to navigate this. So until I feel more steady cuz it's not like I'm going to change my mind like I know that I am. Um
I think I'm just going to kind of just handle it on my own until Yeah. until the time feels more right. Yeah. And what's co-parenting like in the situation you were talking about how your ex is a great dad and so good to the boys. Like what does that setup look like for you right now? We're just finally in a place that the emotions have died down. You know, the initial adjustment period of like getting into a good swing of things with co-arenting has finally like set in. And I think that at least I can say from my behalf, I just I want the best for him. Um, and I think we're in a really good place with co-arenting that we just we want the boys to be happy and we're doing that, you know, coincide next to
each other. And I think that, yeah, we're in like a good rhythm, which is nice. Yeah. If there's someone who's listening right now and they're struggling to come out, they're struggling to leave a toxic relationship, what would you say to them? I think for me personally, I think I've just been in survival mode like my whole entire life. Whether if it was surviving my childhood, surviving becoming a single mom, surviving now single motherhood, surviving my eating disorder, surviving just all these things. I just feel like I've just constantly been in fight or flight. And life is not meant to just be survived. You're supposed to enjoy life and you're supposed to live it to its fullest. And I think to do that, you have to be
authentic and fully yourself. And it's scary and it's hard to do that. But who are you living your life for if it's not for yourself? And I, you know, it took me 25 years to fully be completely proud of every single part of myself. And I wish it happened sooner, but I think everything happens for a reason. So I just think if you're out there and you're you're afraid or you're scared, be more scared of not being who you are, I think, is like my piece of advice. Yeah. How old are you now? 25. You're very wise and strong. Thank you. You're so coherent. I'm like, what? Like, how? Like, how did you just say that? Like, thank you.
It's unbelievable how much life you've squeezed into 25 years. I know. I'm like, I need a little bit of a break. I don't know. I'm like, a little bit less challenges, please. I'm just kidding. No, I'm I'm grateful for everything that I've gone through. I think it made me who I am. Yeah. But also, it's like you're saying, I wish I learned it sooner, but I'm like 25 is pretty early to have some of this. There's so many people out there that are 65 and they still haven't come out. So, I think I'm very grateful that I felt safe enough at this point to do that and I hope that for everyone.
Yeah. Did you talk to other people who had come out and asked them about their experience? Like have you No, not really. Honestly, like no one really like knows. I just think again like I mentioned earlier, I think my thing was for a long time I just I didn't know how to do it and I just thought that one day I would just date a girl and just be like, "Hey, this is my girlfriend." And just, you know, see how people would react there. But I the platform that I have just I want to be able to help people that are in similar situations. And I think that's why I wanted this to happen the way that it is right now to just be able to help people. Are there any other friends that you know that have come out or people that you
Yeah, I have so many friends that are in the community as well and the people that like do know have been like nothing but supportive and just like so excited and they're just like you're connecting with another soul. It doesn't matter if they're a guy, if they're a girl, it doesn't matter. We just want you to be happy. Yeah. What are you most excited to do now that you're out and Oh my gosh. able to say out loud make out with her in public and not have someone be like, "What is going on?" Is that Leila from Secret Life with a girl? Just Yeah. Just be able to be like fully me and own it. I'm sure after this hopefully you feel safe and you know I think that's what I always wish for people when they're making big changes in their life and
making these moves is that people feel safe. I think that's something everyone deserves for their choices. When people are not breaking the law or doing something wrong or it's almost like can people just feel safe for their choices that are true to their soul and their heart. And I really hope Ila that you feel safe and that you know you get to explore the life and experience the life that you really want. Thank you. I appreciate that so much. Ila, we end every episode of On Purpose with a final five. These questions have to be answered in one sentence.
Okay. And so Ila, this is your final five. Uh question number one, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received? Your love for yourself has to be stronger than your desire to be loved. That's great advice. Who told you that? I think I just saw it on like Pinterest. actually, but I feel like it's a really good one and I think it applies to a lot of things. So, say it again. Your love for yourself has to be higher than your desire to be loved. That's great. I love that. Great piece of advice. That's an awesome one. Never had it. Uh, second question. What is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?
I think it relates probably back to what we were talking about earlier that I used to be in a toxic cycle of constantly, you know, putting my work into other people and being in a lot of relationships. I think one cheesy saying that when you're going through a breakup, I feel like people throw this around like casually. They're always like, "The best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else." So, that one, I'm like, "Oh my gosh." No. Take time to yourself, girlfriend. Pick up a book or something. A hobby. I don't know. That's great. That's awesome. What a great answer. Uh, okay. Question. You're killing these. You're You're killing these.
People usually struggle with that one. That's a great answer. Uh, question number three. How do you define a good friend? who I think someone that loves you through all stages, every phase of life. In every phase of life. Yeah. Every chapter, every challenge, just everything. Yeah. Uh question number four. I'm going to add two parts to this. Uh repeat after me and finish. This is about overthinking. So, repeat after me and finish the sentence. I think too much about perception and how people view me. Is that something you're still working on right now? Yeah. I think that's something that like in the space that we are in, I think that's something we see every day, you know, people's opinions of us and it's
hard to not take things to heart. But I'm just yeah, stepping into an era that I just want to be authentically me and you either like it or you don't. So yeah, good for you. I love that. Okay, fifth and final question. We ask this to every guest who's been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? You're not allowed to convert to Mormonism until you have a greater understanding. Wow. Just kidding. No, that's you can't No, I like the idea that you can't I get the point you're making is you can't make a commitment to something without actually knowing enough about it.
Yeah. Because was it you I'm assuming it was easy as it was. It was five lessons you have to do and then you disagree at the end if you want to and I had no understanding of a lot of things. I feel like I get the question a lot of like oh do you not did you not know about the history of like this about that and I was like no they did not teach me that in my lessons they're teaching me like very minimal. So yeah. Yeah. I mean that's all history everywhere I feel like everything they teach. Yeah that's uh that's a good answer. Uh Leila Taylor, thank you so much for your time, your energy. I'm so grateful you came all the way here. I'm
thankful to have this conversation with you. I feel so lucky and uh appreciate so much that you chose us to share this big news. And as I said, I really hope you feel safe. I hope you feel uh the love of our community and everyone else that sees this podcast and hope you feel the support. I know that the GLAD Awards in LA are my favorite event of the year. Like the community is just unbelievable. I know every year when I go to that event or every time I have been, sorry, not every year. Every time I go to that event, honestly, the community is just the most fun. I don't know if you've ever been.
No, never. I hope you get to go. Yeah, it's awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you. If you're feeling inspired by this episode, you won't want to miss my conversation with Wicked's Cynthia Arivo. We are afraid to let a person go, and we need to be okay with letting people go. We don't know what path people are walking on when they walk into our lives. We might just be a stepping stone in their path just like stepping stones
