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People change when they're ready, not when you beg them to. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when reality humiliates them, not when others pressure them. People change when something costs them, not just you. People change on their own, not because of your hope, your timing, or your pain. Today's episode deals with something we all deal with. How many of you know someone, see their potential, and suffer when they don't realize it? How many of you truly want to change someone close to you? It could be a father, a relative, a partner. And how many have been in relationships, or are in one now, where they constantly try to make their partner better and grow, but it never seems to happen?
This episode is for you, and it's about what to do when people don't change. I read a sentence that changed my life. He said, "People don't reveal themselves through their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns. Pay attention." Many of us hear what people say, but we don't observe what they do. Many of us focus on people's appearance, but not on how they act. Many of us are influenced by how others are treated, but we do n't look closely at how we are treated . Observe the patterns and you will know the person. Ignore the patterns and you'll always be in love with the potential. People are patterns. We all are. And yes, people can change their patterns, but as you and I know, patterns
take a long time to change. Patterns ingrained in our minds, in our subconscious and thoughts, often require life-changing events to steer us in a different direction. And that can sometimes be an extremely painful process. The first point I want to share today is that the illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound. This is a harsh truth, but come with me. When you fall in love with someone's potential, you often fall in love with a version of them that only exists in your imagination. Or worse, in your unresolved childhood needs. Think of someone you are trying to fix and ask yourself, "What unmet need of mine am I trying to fill through them?" connection. We let them speak badly to us because we prefer not to be alone.
n't know how to defend ourselves. But when we do those things, we don't change them. We lose ourselves. People change when they're ready, not when you beg them to. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when reality humiliates them, not when others pressure them. People change when something costs them, not just you. People change on their own, not because of your hopes, your timing, or your pain. When you realize you can see someone's pattern, the question you should ask yourself is: Am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same? Am I willing to be present if they say they want to change? We often say, "Yes, but
they are changing." Have they said they want to change? Have they shown you a plan? Have they committed to changing? You may see small changes, but unless they have expressed it, unless they have verbalized it, unless they have communicated it to you, you are still living in your imagination. Now, I know you 're thinking, "Jay, what do I do when it's my family? What do I do when it 's my partner?" The first thing you should analyze is whether it is an abusive, toxic, or highly manipulative situation on an emotional level; You need to examine that very seriously. But if you're someone who's listening and saying, "Jay, I 'm not sure. I really wish they would do this. It would make a difference
." You have to ask yourself how much you are willing to tolerate and how patient you are. You have to ask yourself how much of yourself you 're losing in the process. Only you know that. Step number two: believe in what they do, not what they say. If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, disappears during difficult times, or crosses your boundaries, that's what they are. So, if you expect your partner to be more empathetic or less impulsive. The truth is, they can say those things, but what are you seeing? What are they doing? How are they acting? Since we are so emotional and sentimental, when someone says the right thing, don't you light up inside? And you almost think to yourself: I've just been waiting for you to say that. I've just been hoping you'd
say that. I've been wanting you to say that. But the reality is that you're not expecting them to say it. You're waiting for them to prove it. That's what we need to focus on. Subtract patterns. Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises, focus on patterns. If someone disrespects you repeatedly, that's what they are. At least for now. If someone disappears when things get tough, that's what they are. If someone violates your boundaries and calls it love, that's what they are. If someone lies to protect themselves, and not your trust, that's what they are. If someone makes you question your worth, that's what they are. If someone only
shows up when they need something, that's what they are. If someone makes you feel crazy for having standards, that's what they are. If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that 's what they are. If someone expects understanding but doesn't give you any, that's what they are. They can change, but only if they want to. A large part of us justifies the bad behavior of others. Instead of looking at the patterns, we say, "But they're great at this. But they're wonderful in this other way." That 's true. People are always two things. It could be many things. But we must be careful not to sacrifice ourselves for too long.
I know too many people who have done this and 10 years later they say, "I've lost myself. I don't know who I am. I have no identity." We need to measure to what extent we are not accepting someone for who they are. Step number three. This is going to be hard to accept, but I have to be honest with you. Stop confusing control with love. Trying to change people often feels like caring, but it's usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so you do n't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment, or uncertainty. Melody Beattie, in her seminal work on codependency, explains: "You can't force someone
to be someone they're not. You can only love them where they are or leave. The next time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause and ask yourself, 'Am I doing this for them or to relieve my discomfort with their behavior?'" "It's a form of control, and again, it could be unconscious. You might genuinely care, but underlying that is self-preservation. You don't want to experience the emotions of disappointing them. You don't want to experience the emotion of setting boundaries. You don't want to experience the emotion of someone not loving you. So you prefer to shapeshift, mold, and transform them in the process so that you both have a peaceful situation when, in reality, it's a situation where you do n't know each other. Many times, we
fall in love with someone's mind, their words, their aura, their charisma, their personality, and we forget what real life is like. Real life is checking the bank balance, looking at the bills, waking up next to someone and going to sleep next to someone. Real life is coming home when you're bored and tired, and so are they. Real life is talking when there's nothing exciting to talk about. Real life is planning when you're just looking forward to that vacation. Who do you want to be in your life for the real things, not just the imagined ones?
Step number four is radical acceptance It's not resignation. Radical acceptance, a concept in DBT created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, is about fully accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it were. To be honest, most of our problems exist because of how we want life to be and how life actually is. The gap between the two is the amount of pain you experience. If you want life to feel a certain way, but it actually looks a certain way, that gap is the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety you feel. So, people just say, "Wait, should I lower my expectations?" "." No. We don't want expectations. We want to experience reality so we can make better choices. It's not about saying, " This is okay." It's about saying, "This is what it is
, and I can choose how to respond." You don't have to tolerate disrespect just because you know about their trauma. You don't have to accept mistreatment to prove you're loving. You don't have to stay because you see their potential. You can forgive someone and still walk away. You can see the good in them and still choose something better for yourself. You can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You don't have to make excuses for behavior that's destroying you. Tolerance doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you. Tolerance doesn't mean letting someone take advantage of you. Tolerance doesn't mean letting someone disrespect you. It means you understand that
this is what it is and you tolerate it until you make the decision to stay or leave. To be here and live it or leave. You tolerate it while you work it out. Why do we stay? We stay because we're afraid of being alone. Or we stay because we hope they'll change. Neither of those are good options. If we stay just because we don't want to be alone, we're setting ourselves up for more suffering. And if we stay hoping they'll change, we're also creating more pain. So what do you do when you know someone can change, when you want someone to change? First, you can definitely try to introduce them to things that will help them change. You might see their potential, but you have to ask them if they see that potential. I remember when I first
started dating Radhi, and even when we got married, I could see who she could become. And then I realized how selfish that was. How it was a projection of my own insecurities or imagination. And how it wasn't as selfless as it seemed. It was selfish. If I truly want the best for someone, and if I love someone, it's about asking them who they want to be, where they want to be, and what they want to become. That's love. That's generosity. But now, if it's behavior where someone doesn't do chores, doesn't take responsibility, isn't accountable, someone who doesn't help out, then that's not how I see it. At home, that may
never change. And it's up to you to decide if you're willing to live in that space. And I understand, leaving is hard, letting go is hard, and we've done many episodes about that. But you have to realize that this is what you 're committing to. Point number five. You are not their mirror, you are their environment. The Pygmalion effect versus environmental conditioning. Yes, people respond to expectations, but only if they want to. The Pygmalion effect shows that people perform better when high expectations are communicated, but this only works when there is mutual commitment. You are not a sculptor, you are the earth.
You can be nurturing, but you can't force a plant to grow. If they don't want the light, your brightness will burn them. So you can offer support, but you can't provide the transformation. You ca n't be someone's guru, you can't be someone's guide, you can't be someone's teacher unless they allow you to be. And what I 've seen is that people change more because of those around them than because of someone telling them what to do. If you are Surrounded by a group of successful people, you feel the desire to become a successful person. If you're with a group of people who take care of their health, you feel the desire to take care of your health. If you're surrounded by people who gossip and speak negatively about others, you gossip and speak
negatively about others. We are very much defined by the people we surround ourselves with. If you truly want to change yourself and want to change someone else, it's about changing the people around them. It's not about telling them what to do. It's not about sending them articles. It's not about educating them. It's about taking them to another space. Allowing them to experience that. That's where change happens. That's how change occurs. And the reality is that sometimes the most loving choice is to let go. Sometimes, the deepest form of love is to say: I see you clearly now, and I release you with compassion. Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people who practice
detachment-letting go of unchangeable people or situations-report greater well-being and less depression. than those who keep trying to fix them. People aren't something you should fix. People aren't a problem you should solve. People aren't something you should change. Instead of disrespecting them, start with distance first. And if distance doesn't work, then disconnect. We often stay close to people with judgments, criticisms, and complaints, only to walk away from them anyway. Rumi once asked, "Do you know why people shout when they're angry?" Because when you're angry and fighting with someone, you're physically close to them. Rumi said, "We cry out because our hearts are very far from each other." Even if we are
physically close to someone, we can be so emotionally distant that we shout to get the message across. But no one has ever changed because someone yelled at them. Nobody has ever changed because someone complained to them. People change when they realize that if they didn't, their lives would fall apart. Sometimes our expectations about others and what we want them to be or who we want them to be are completely unrealistic. And what ends up happening is that we create more problems by trying to change the other person than we would if we simply connected with them. That's why in any relationship, whether professional, personal or romantic, you need to know what your priorities and preferences are. Your priorities are things
that are non-negotiable. And your preferences are things that are good to have, but that may not always be there. We must realize that people also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident, but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving, but break up with someone hard-hearted. You could love someone compassionate, but leave someone prejudiced. People change in ways we don't want more than in ways we do want. The only decision under our control is: Do I want to be close? Do I still want to be here?
Can I be patient and tolerant? Or am I losing myself?, which is how you feel, what you do, and whether you stay or leave. You are responsible for that. You have the power over that. Focus on that. If this clip provided you with value and you want to see more, the following video has been specially chosen for you based on your viewing habits. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please subscribe to the channel so we can continue to bring you fantastic conversations.
