Why Your Relationship With Yourself Is the Most Important One You'll Ever Have

So, picture a future you 10 years from now. What do you wish the present day you would start doing today in service of this future you? This episode is about becoming someone that you can rely on and why that is really the quiet engine behind real joy. You're listening to Relish, the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence, and meaning, you're in the right place. Welcome to Relish. I'm Elysia and today we are talking about the most important relationship in your life, the one you have with yourself. Now, this relationship is vital to finding more joy and presence, which is of course

what this podcast is all about. If this episode supports you, I appreciate you following, subscribing, leave a five-star rating and review on Apple Podcast and Spotify. You might have heard me say before, I'm trying to reach a hundred reviews on both, and your words really help get the word about Relish out to more people. So, thank you so much for your support and for being here. Now, recently, we talked about emotions on the podcast, and we talked about how they're not good or bad. they are just information and how learning to feel what is happening inside of you helps you actually know yourself. And today we're building on that because this whole journey, this work of personal growth and healing and authenticity, everything we're exploring

here on Relish, it all really comes down implicitly to building a relationship with you. It sounds simple, but it is foundational. Your relationship with you shapes everything. It shapes your mental health, your self-worth and self-esteem. It shapes your relationships with other people. It's impacting your ability to cope with challenges and your overall sense of peace. And truthfully, and this is kind of a hard truth to kick off an episode with, but here we go. You know, no other relationship in your life is guaranteed.

Every relationship is going to change. It's going to shift. At some point, it will end. Your parents, your kids, your friends, your partners, all of them, they might come and go. This is being human. The only relationship you have for life is the one you have with yourself. So, doesn't it make sense to prioritize it? So, today we're going to cover what it actually means to have a relationship with yourself. We're going to talk about the qualities of healthy self- relationship. I'm going to give you a simple framework for getting to know yourself and what you can do when you inevitably disconnect and how to reconnect without going into shame. I'm going to share some practical daily practices as well to build that

relationship with you and to build real self-rust. So, let's get into it. When people talk about self-love or self-care, it can sound a bit vague. Uh, you know, it can sound cliche or kind of Instagrammy. So, I want to define it. I'm going to define a relationship with yourself as the way you talk to or care for and keep commitments to yourself across time. A relationship with yourself is really dependent on how you relate to yourself. Now, in my last content life, I taught and coached about building healthy relationships with food. And I think that can be a helpful way to get a sense of what I mean here.

[snorts] This sometimes can blow people's minds. Our relationship with food or really our relationship with anything, it's dependent on how we relate to it. And when we investigate a relationship with food, we may find that we've learned to relate to food as some kind of food. This food is good or bad. And when we live in those binaries, as we've talked about on this show, we start to internalize them. So if the donut is bad for me, I internalize it subconsciously as I am bad because I ate the donut. And so that starts to define the way we relate to food even at a subconscious level. So getting to know how you relate to yourself is how you build a relationship with yourself. The

word relate the definition is to make or show connection between. And a relationship that word the definition is a state of being connected in some way. So to me, building a relationship with yourself, it's not so different from building a relationship with anyone else, which is of course all about connection. So consider if you meet someone and you want to build a friendship, you want to have a relationship with them. What does that require? For one, it requires time. That is fundamental. Every relationship needs time together. You can't build a friendship without spending time with that person. I've got to call them. I've got to see them. I've got to make plans. And think about how busy we are in life

today. Does it ever just happen that you end up hanging out with your friends? I mean, maybe for some of you it does occasionally. For me, very rare. It's got to be on my calendar or else it's probably not going to happen. Frankly, [snorts] even if it's on my calendar, there's a chance it won't happen. And that's not because I don't care. This just what it means to live life today and be busy and life happens. And maybe the relationship can take that to a point if there's some foundational connection before the other connection might give me grace for cancelling or maybe I'm understanding of them. But if months or years go by without us connecting, we are going to become disconnected.

orienting to personal work in this way as building a relationship with myself. It's been really helpful for me because I realized I needed to prioritize that relationship with me just like I do a relationship with another person I care about. I need for one to put that time with myself on my calendar literally. You know, it's not just about putting time to go to the gym or have a self-care bubble bath or whatever. The point is this work is about caring about myself and that requires making time for me. I have to put it on my calendar. Time to just be with myself. I got to maybe go out to dinner with myself, go to coffee, um journal, walk on the beach, whatever it is. Time to really

get to know me. Time to ask how am I? What do I need? What do I know? What matters to me? And that's just not going to happen on its own. Does this resonate? Presence is what builds connection. That's the foundation of relationship. So, what are some other qualities of a healthy relationship or friendship? Yes, we need time. We need presence. But we also need trust. We need honesty, empathy, respect, communication. It's not so different with yourself. You build trust in a relationship with another person by showing up for them, by being empathetic and kind and curious and asking questions, speaking your truth and your needs, acknowledging

disagreements instead of pushing them down. Now, I know you are a kind, compassionate person. I know this because that's the kind of person who would care about this work and care to listen to this. And I imagine that you probably put a lot of other people in your life before yourself. You're probably pretty patient with other people. You're compassionate. You're probably forgiving when they make mistakes. Now, what about when it's you? How compassionate I am to myself is really good information about how I am relating to myself. I did an episode on compassion and self-compassion. It's linked below. But truly, you as much as anyone deserve your own love and compassion. I know

that sounds really wise, but I didn't come up with it. I think the Buddha said it. But I'm serious. To have a relationship with anyone, including yourself, you have to care about you and you have to be connected to you. And that's not to say it's all good, that it's all rainbows and unicorns all the time. Relationships also need healthy communication. That means not only speaking but listening, dialogue. So if you consider for yourself, what does communication look like internally? If you notice your inner dialogue, the voice in your head, how do you speak to yourself? most of us are not that kind. And so ask yourself, would I say this to someone I love?

Speaking to yourself as you would a friend. That's self-compassion. Self-compassion builds that relationship with you. Communication also looks like naming your needs and setting boundaries. And that includes with yourself. Now, with another person, you might say, "Hey, this isn't okay. I need it this way. This doesn't work for me." for yourself. Maybe it's saying, "I need rest. I need to slow down. This is too much. I need to not do this right now." Maybe sometimes it means holding yourself accountable, but in a kind way, not cruel. Boundaries with yourself can also sound like, "Lights out by 10. I'm not going to have my phone in bed. No committing to what, you know, the future

me is going to have to pay for." This isn't punishment. It's a it's care. And just like with other people, boundaries and communication mean being willing to address the issues when they come up without ghosting yourself, without numbing out, without avoiding or pretending everything's fine. One thing I teach in coaching and retreats is a framework called ESP, the embodied spirituality paradigm. I'll do an episode on it at some point, but one thing it does is helps see that yourself isn't just one thing. It's made up of many parts. You've got what I call the vessel and that includes your body, your mind, your heart, your emotions and feelings. You've also got a protector.

This is the patterns that once kept you safe but now might hold you back. And you have your light, your intuition, your spirit, your essence. It's the part of you that knows. Some call it your higher self. Building a relationship with yourself means getting to know all those parts. Most of us learn to prioritize one of those parts. For most of us, it's the mind. It's the intellect. And your thoughts are an important part, but they are just one part. And I we have something like 60,000 thoughts a day. Okay? They are not all important. We have to listen to the other aspects. Your body is one part of that relationship with you. Are you caring for it? Listening to it? resting when it asks for a break.

What would it mean to have a healthy relationship with your body to honor its needs to care about it? Or emotionally, what you're feeling is another component. Is there space for the feelings to exist, to be expressed? Are they allowed? What about your protector? The part that gets maybe defensive or self-critical or uh avoids being vulnerable. Can you see it has some good intentions? Maybe its methods are outdated, but it was there to protect you. Or do you just keep beating yourself up? And then perhaps the most important part to build a relationship with is your light, your intuition, that deeper inner wisdom.

This is your north star. Some people ask, "How do I know the difference between the mind or the intellect and my intuition? You have to build your relationship with yourself to know the difference, to get to know what each of their voices sounds like, the different languages that they use. When we talk about the word authenticity in the self-help world, we also often hear alignment. Living in alignment with your authenticity, that's living with a healthy relationship to your light, to your truth. It's knowing yourself. It's letting your light kind of guide you and take the lead, not just your mind. And

when you start to understand and respect all these different parts, that's what helps you build actual self-rust. Now, think about trust. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship. Yes, selfrust is a cornerstone of this relationship, the one you have with you. Without it, everything else is going to wobble. I talk about this in my unshakable course. Trusting yourself is not just about believing in yourself. It's about knowing who you're trusting. Which part of you? Think about someone in your life that you trust deeply. Someone you love or care about. What made that trust possible?

Why did you start trusting them? Maybe you spent time together and just build up that foundation. You saw how they showed up. Maybe even in hard times. Perhaps they were consistent or honest or dependable. Whatever those qualities were, you saw in them. That's what has to happen within ourselves. You earn your own trust by keeping promises to yourself, by telling yourself the truth, being honest, not avoiding, and by showing up for yourself even when it's uncomfortable. And you are human. Sometimes you will break promises to yourself. We break promises to people we love. We make mistakes. And when that happens, this is when we need to turn to

our practices and begin again and come home to ourselves. So I've created this acronym care C A R E as a way to care for the connection with yourself when there's a rupture. The steps are C, call it out. A ask with curiosity. R, right size it, and E, extend repair. C is call it out. Just name it without any drama. Just basic mindfulness. What's happening now without judgment. Okay, I said I'd go to bed by 10:00. I ended up doom scrolling till midnight. Just name it. Bring it into awareness without shame, but honesty, seeing it clearly. A is ask with curiosity. Get curious, not cruel. Ask, "What was I

avoiding? What did I need? What happened there? You're not judging. You're understanding. You're getting to know yourself." And different parts of you might have different wisdom. Your body sensations, your emotions, your thoughts, patterns. Ask all the parts. You know, maybe your mind was like, "Oh, I couldn't stop thinking. I needed a distraction. Emotionally, I was feeling resistance or anxiety. Maybe more deeply some fear. And I can hear that my protector was worried about the presentation I had the next day. You know, all of this helps me understand so that I can be more compassionate. R is right size your next step, the next promise. So maybe 10 p.m. was too big of a goal when I've been going to bed every

night at 1:00. Maybe 10:30. Maybe next time I meet myself differently. If I'm anxious, maybe I'll call a friend or I'll try out a meditation before bed instead or read. You know, make some small promise, but one that you can actually keep. And then E is extend repair. So, close the loop here. Apologize to yourself and recommmit. And I recommend doing it out loud. Repair builds trust faster than perfection ever will. perfection is not possible. You know, to just say it's okay. I'm sorry you were so anxious and afraid. Let's try again. I want to acknowledge we do have to build up our capacity to navigate that inner world. And if it feels overwhelming or if it feels unsafe to do it alone, it's not failure. Maybe

it's a cue for support. Maybe you need some support, therapy, coaching, a mirror, practices or tools to help you build up those muscles. And remember that reaching out and asking for help is an act of selfrust too. So like all relationships, your relationship with yourself will have seasons. Sometimes you're going to feel deeply connected and clear and aligned and you know everything's in flow, everything's going well. Other times you might feel distant or disconnected. And just like with any relationship, disconnection doesn't have to be the end of it. It's not failure. It's just information. It can actually be a sign we need to repair.

Think about a friendship outside of you, a partnership. If there's tension, if there's distance or misunderstanding, you don't fix it by pretending it didn't happen, we have to repair. We name it. We get curious. We find our way back. The same is true here. So, when you notice that you've drifted away, use that care framework. Notice the rupture, get curious, rightsize your next step, and extend repair to yourself. Connection is not saying, "I'm never going to fall off the wagon." Connection is saying, "I'm going to get back on and I'm going to keep coming home."

It doesn't mean you never disconnect. It means you keep choosing to repair. I talked about this in a quick bite episode recently, using that phrase, I fell off the bandwagon, using, you know, saying things like, "I lost myself." Those binaries can be very limiting on, off, lost, found. Instead, using language like I disconnected and that's normal. I can reconnect. The point is not to stay connected all the time. That's not possible. The point is to notice when you've disconnected and choose to reconnect. You can't lose yourself. You just lost the connection with it. And the connection is something you can always rebuild. That's what authenticity really means. It's living connected to yourself so that the you

that you want to be and you want the world to see on the outside matches who you are deeply on the inside. You cannot show up for yourself authentically if you don't know yourself. You can't know yourself if you don't spend time with yourself. And you can't spend time with yourself if you're always rushing or numbing or avoiding what you feel or negotiating with your own needs. When you practice being on your own side, you expand your capacity for joy. Joy stops being like a peak thing that you chase and it can become an undercurrent, like a new norm. There's an ongoing effect, a wave of your self-kindness. When you treat yourself with compassion, you naturally become more compassionate with

others. When you respect yourself, you raise the standard for how others treat you. When you trust yourself, you stop outsourcing your worth and live from your truth. It's like this ripple effect of this self relationship. It transforms not just you, but every relationship you touch. So, let's talk practical applications. How do you build this relationship dayto-day? Here are a few places to start. One is to just check in with yourself daily. Ask, "What am I feeling? What do I need?" I have included a meditation that you can download in the show notes. It uses my ESP framework if you want to try it out. It walks you through checking in with these various parts and getting to know uh how you're relating to them without

judgment. The next thing is put yourself on your calendar. Schedule quiet time, solo time the way that you would with a friend. Prioritize this, you know, not just waiting for the crumbs that are left. Make it the most important relationship you have. Notice your inner voice. How are you relating to yourself? Ask, would I talk to someone else in this way? Would I talk to someone that I really love like this? And then keep small promises to yourself. You know, when you say you're going to rest, actually rest. When you say you're going to move your body, follow through with it as best you can. Show yourself and all the different components of you that they matter to you, that you matter. And

this also shows your brain and your nervous system, you are going to keep showing up for yourself. Listen to your body. This bare data of your body sensations is wisdom. It's an alarm. And it's often the first part of you to tell you the truth. Use that care framework to repair. So when you break a promise, practice calling it out, asking with curiosity, right size and extend repair. Forgive yourself. Often we have to let go and begin again. Not making excuses, but learning from our human mistakes and then moving on. I think maybe I'll do an episode on forgiveness at some point. And maybe most importantly, remember when you do

disconnect, it's not failure. It's a part of being human. It's a part of your brain. It's a part of the process. And every time you come back, you strengthen that trust and you build resilience. This is how you become someone you can actually rely on. So recently that episode I did on emotions was about feeling to know. This week is about knowing to trust. Your relationship with yourself is the longest, deepest, most important relationship you'll ever have. It's not about perfection. It's about partnership. Really, connection, commitment to yourself and to the relationship you have with you. And when you start relating to yourself in the

way that you'd relate to someone that you truly love with honesty and respect and compassion, everything changes. How you relate to yourself is how you relate to life and the world. All right, so thank you so much for being here. If this episode resonated, I invite you to take a few moments to just check in with you. Well, check in like you would a dear friend. Ask yourself, how am I doing? Really, you might be surprised what you hear if you actually start listening. Feel free to try out the meditation I've linked in the show notes. It's a gentle way to start building that relationship. And I do appreciate it if you found the support of giving a fivestar rating and review.

Help me with my goal to get to a 100red reviews on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. I'm so grateful for your support. Share it with a friend, follow all the things and email me and let me know your thoughts for upcoming podcasts or um if you want to call in to that hotline, leave a voicemail, leave some feedback, ask a question, share a challenge. I want to use those questions in an upcoming episode. So, I appreciate you calling in. All right, I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day and week. May you be connected to the most important person in your life, you. You are worth it.