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What should someone ask themselves before starting to date someone? That's an understatement; we already know how people say they want this type of man or that type of woman. I am going to manifest this type of love or that other type of love. The real question that many people don't delve into is: Are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful man, are you successful? If you want a kind and loving man, are you kind and loving? If you want a hard-working person, is that what you want to get? Because you cannot attract what you are not. And I think this is something that people don't pay attention to. They simply don't want to make the effort. They just want to get it easily. But that's not how
life works, because in the end you will attract who you are on the inside. So if you're broken, you'll attract broken people. I used to think that I wasn't hurting anyone. I am a very good person. I'm making money. I'm working hard. You know, I'm a single mother. Life is great. I have no traumas. I went through hell and came back, but now I'm okay. But I want someone good. And every time I went out and opened my heart, I attracted something bad. Without knowing that the reason he attracted bad things is because, although the trauma is sometimes not obvious, it is hidden. But it creeps into situations and appears as triggers or in the decisions or choices you make. And this is where good people don't
understand that, even if you are good, you still have to work on yourself. Even if you're good, you still have to be the kind of person you want to attract. So I think that's something people don't want to delve into. What do you think is the difference between someone who wants a relationship and someone who needs a relationship? Look, desire comes from abundance. It means I lack nothing. I love you for who you are. I'm happy. I am happy. I feel fulfilled. I don't need anything from you. There is no hidden agenda. But if I need you, it means I'm operating from a place of lack. So yes, there is a hidden agenda.
It means that, well, maybe I want to be with you because you make me happy. Maybe I want to be with you because you satisfy me financially. Maybe I want to be with you for whatever reason. Need is not a good reason to get something. I need. I shouldn't need you. I should love you. I always try to teach this to people, and it's difficult because from the time we grow up we are taught that we need love and that we need to be in a relationship. We need children. We need all these things, but it's not really like that. We are here to experience life. If love or children are part of the experience, great. If they aren't, you should be happy with yourself.
Only when you are content and don't need anyone, is when you truly connect with someone and love them purely. But if you need them, it's as if there's always a hidden agenda, and once that need is met, you feel like you're disconnecting from them because you didn't really want to be with them in the first place. You just needed something from them. That's why I always say: be whoever you want as a partner. Be whoever you need to be for yourself, and then go out there and get what you want. It's difficult because we've been programmed our whole lives not to think like that. So, imagine, after thirty- something years, I'm trying to change my way of thinking. Neuroscience says that neural pathways can be created in 21 days. So yes, it can be done
. It's not impossible. We just need to eliminate limiting beliefs. That, and that's the hardest part. What's one non-negotiable thing you have on a date today that would surprise your younger self? What's changed for you that you used to compromise on? When I was younger, and I think many people would agree, I thought mysterious men were so sexy. I used to think that the more mysterious it was, the more beautiful it was, but now, if I could look at my younger self, I'd say that's not attractive. Clarity is attractive. Mystery and not understanding where you are with someone, who they are, or what they do, is not attractive. In fact, it's something that pushes you away because it shows you that the person is not aligned, that they are not a leader, and that they
are not transparent or honest. It's like I was looking at myself: every time I saw a mysterious guy, I thought, " Oh my God, he's so attractive." Now it's like a "no," the biggest red flag of all. Is there any part of you that he still likes? I killed every part of me that wanted that. So no. For so many years, before I did the inner work and all that, my tastes changed in terms of appearance, height, or what they did in life, but I was still the same man in different bodies. That's all. They were the same toxic traits. I think it's because we attract what is familiar to us. They say better the devil you know than the devil you don't, right? Because I know how to deal with the bad guy. I know where it ends. I know
this isn't forever. I know the damage and pain that it entails. That's why he kept returning to what was familiar. I remember that when I finished my inner work and healing, even when I saw photos of my exes, I thought: what was I thinking? But it's a traumatic bond. So many people might think, "Oh no, I was in love." I love reflecting on my past relationships, and I would love for people to sit down and reflect on theirs after they've done the work. Do this exercise: put their names and write, why were you attracted to them? And you'll realize where there was a traumatic connection. And it's only when you can identify these things that you grow, J. Because many of us are
drawn to healing. It's like walking into a supermarket and saying, "I want to bake a cake, can you help me?" It's like asking, "What kind of cake do you want to bake?" I need to give you the right ingredients. So, when people start inner work, they just jump into healing without knowing what they are healing from, where it all started, what the root of it all is? That's why people don't delve too deeply. They only want to heal the superficial aspects. My last relationship, the previous relationship. But all of this starts in childhood. It doesn't start in a relationship, does it? I mean, doing inner work is complex, it's not easy, but it's a very satisfying and rewarding task.
What is the difference for you between compatibility and chemistry? Chemistry is deceptive because I can't depend on it, since it's hormonal, it's endorphins, it's meeting someone, it's emotion. Last year I learned that when you're nervous on a date or when you feel all those things, it's actually a warning sign. It means your nervous system is not calm. He's trying to tell you something. But movies taught us to interpret it as butterflies in the stomach, that it's the right person and that's how it should feel. A friend once told me a phrase that really made me sit at home for hours thinking so much about my life. He told me, "Don't look for a firecracker." "Find a fireplace." A firework is when you have all those butterflies in your
stomach, and that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The boring type, the quiet type, that's the one, you know? And it took me a while to realize it, but chemistry is complicated because it can be deceptive. Compatibility is sexier for me and it lasts longer. I treat relationships like a business. As a business partner who has a lot of money or an investor with many companies. Chemistry, very attractive. But if there is no compatibility in our way of thinking, our ethics and morals, I am investing my money and throwing everything away because it will not go anywhere. It's not a good investment. I'm looking for compatibility, and if there 's compatibility, the chemistry can
come later. I don't need to have chemistry from the start. Yes. I do n't know if you've noticed, but have you ever seen movies where you see the main character and say, "He doesn't look that good"? And then, halfway through the movie, you say, "Oh my God, he's so attractive." Because you fell in love with the character in the movie, right? But that only proves that chemistry can be delayed. It is not a prerequisite. The words "inner work" and "healing" are trending like kale, avocado, and matcha-you know what I mean? Everyone has a tattoo of it or has it in their Instagram bio, but as nice as it is to see that grow and this "woke" culture and
everyone talking about it, it's so important to live, not just exist. And if you're not doing the inner work, you 're just existing. What is inner work? Inner work is about going deep inside, removing all the masks that life, society, and everything you've been through put on your face, and you lost your identity along the way. Doing the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask, until you finally arrive at who you really are. So, basically, who were you before people told you who to be, how to be, or what to be? Who were you really before this conditioning? And I always say, we are born with pre-established plans. My name is Sarah, that is my religion, this is my family, that is my country,
this is what I eat, this is wrong, this is right. So I'm born with a plan. Who am I beyond that plan? Who am I beyond that yes, that no, and that "this is wrong"? And this is the curiosity I want people to have, and the only way to find the light is by cleaning the hallway. And if the hallway is messy and there's trauma and all that, can you live a life without doing the inner work? Can. But I don't call it living, I call it existing. Because there is so much more to life after healing. It's like the grass is greener where there is healing. Inner work, how do you do it? It doesn't matter how you do it. Some people go to therapy, others do hypnotherapy, others use herbal medicine, some do whatever it takes to find their way
back home. And what is home? Home is you, this body, you know? I used to hear it all the time, I never understood it until I sat down and went deeper spiritually. When people say, "We are a fragment of God, as if my soul were a part of God, therefore this body is a temple." I always thought it was a metaphor, a beautiful metaphor, my God, how beautiful is this saying? Until I realized: "Oh, damn, God really does live inside this temple, and this is the temple." So now I'm more careful about where I take this temple, who touches this temple, who enters this temple, how I treat this temple. Because it's like
, where are we dragging God to? I want people to delve deeper. I want them to be curious. I want them to clear away, to eliminate all the darkness so they can find the light, and the light is returning home, returning home to this. And this isn't a home until you eliminate everything that distracts you, everything that stands in the way of the light. But I can't point to just one thing, Jay, and tell you this is the recipe for healing. No, whatever you do, while you're doing it, just get out there and try it. What was the first step in the inner work you did? What did you see when you started doing it? I've been in five relationships in my entire life, okay? Two of them were marriages that didn't work out. And I was simply confused. The
first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship after that, and after that. I was thinking, something's weird because I feel like I'm with a different man but I feel like I 'm with the same man. And I didn't understand anything about narcissism or toxic relationships. Back then I did n't have much information online, or podcasts, or anything like that, or awareness. When you're curious, you delve deeper, like entering a rabbit hole. And I was like, what? What's going on here? Instead of focusing on, oh my God, they're bad, they're this, pointing the finger and being a victim all the time, which many of us do because it's comfortable to be a victim. I didn't hurt anyone, they hurt me. Look at me, I'm the one who's broken. I realized
that being a victim doesn't help me, it does n't make me grow, it doesn't get me anywhere. And only when I started pointing at myself, because it takes two to dance the tango. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What is my contribution to this? Because I need to get over this. And only then did I begin to see my life differently and to seek healing. My journey began with some therapy. I simply didn't like that after each session, the therapist would say, " See you next week, see you next week." I was saying, but I feel like I need you now. I feel like I'm depending on you. How am I learning? And I've been a very stubborn personality since I was a child. So I was always curious and asked questions. So I was saying, why, why are
we meeting next week? See you next week? It was a bit expensive. I was young. I had my own business at that time. The insurance didn't cover that. So, I said, why do I keep coming back? And then I thought, okay, now that the therapist has pointed out what's wrong, let me move on to something else. So I went to hypnotherapy. And after hypnotherapy, I went to spiritual healing. And I devoted myself to meditation. And I tried this and that, I tried so many things. That's why I'm trying to tell you, if you ask me which one worked, I'd say all of them. So there is no right recipe or location map I can give you to get you to the healing space. It's whatever you try. Anything you do for yourself is valid and can help you in
some way. And once your heart is open to that subject or that journey, everything comes to you. Like when people call me, hey, do you want to go on this retreat? And then this post appears online. It's like the Instagram algorithm. You know, when you go to your own page on Instagram. Mhm. If I want to meet Jay, all I have to do is check out your recommendations page. And it would know exactly what kind of person you are thanks to the algorithm. The same applies to the universe. Whatever you think, whatever you believe, becomes your algorithm. You attract him exactly like Instagram's recommendations page. Once you set your goal and decide to work internally, the way it appears.
Once you start walking, it just appears. How does someone set their standards today? First you need to understand, what do you agree with? And I think the greatest blessing of my life wasn't knowing what I wanted. It was knowing what I didn't want. Because that gave me a lot of clarity. Because when you heal and do the work, it's like you're getting to know yourself for the first time. So I remember that I distanced myself from people in order to get to know myself. I used to know the old me, how she reacts, how she thinks. After she healed, I thought: well, what does she do now? How should I react now? So it's like a blank page, you get to know who you are and you can mold her or him into their best version.
I feel that the boundaries and how you set the tone, or what's okay for you, what's not, what you want and what you don't, all depends on you. It depends on your expectations in life, how you value a relationship, what you're looking for, what you want most, what your love language is? So, it varies from person to person. For example, I don't think love is a feeling, you know? Because children, when they are born, are pure, they love everything. Animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide, to be successful, they don't need you to have a label or anything. It's as if love were the language of God, so we are born with it, it's natural. It's like even if I meet someone on the street, I don't need to
know you to love you. I love you on a certain level, right? But for me, love in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stay with the person, whether things get tough or not. That's why they say "in sickness and in health, in wealth and in poverty," and all those things. Because it's a decision. If I decide to be with you, regardless of whether things turn out the way I want or not, I have to stick to my decision. It's similar to if I had invested in a business; I can't now, as CEO and investor, say: I don't feel like going to work today. You can't. If you don't show up, he dies. If you don't show up, people will vote you out. If you don't show up, things don't work. Just as you fuel a business with energy, a
marital relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work. It's like bread, you have to make it fresh every morning. Otherwise, it won't work. And people feel so comfortable in their relationships, they feel that, well, once I have children, once I'm married, I do n't need to make an effort anymore. And then they complain: Oh, what's the secret to a long relationship? How come your marriage works and mine doesn't? It's because George, Jenna, the same amount of energy you put into your business, into your work, put it into your relationship. It's that simple. It's an investment.
Yes. It's definitely a decision. Because emotions go up and down. Like, you've ever felt like you love your parents like crazy, right? But sometimes you feel like you just can't stand them. You just want to say, you just want to say: Mom, stay away from me, Mom. You know, not today. But I love her. Which means that if my relationship depends on my feelings, one day I'm up, the next day I'm down. It fluctuates. Emotions are unstable. But if I made it a decision, regardless of whether I feel like it or not, I will be present because I made that decision. So, love is a decision. It goes beyond an emotion.
I feel that nowadays people have decisive factors in dating. Yes. What do you think is a healthy way to know what a deal-breaker is? Or what a deal-breaker is when dating someone? What should be a deal- breaker when dating someone? A deal-breaker? Okay, let me explain first how I get out, okay? Yes. I want to know. From the beginning, I'm sitting down and not wasting your time or mine out of respect for both of us, right? So, I'll sit down with the boy and be very honest. I tell him, "Listen, I'm turning 40 next year, okay?" I don't have time. I have been married twice. I am a single mother. I want to establish a stable life. I don't know how long I'll be fertile, you know? So I want to start a family. What do you want?
And the thing is, many men run away because they think I'm telling them I want that with them. No, no, no. I don't want that with you. I just met you. I don't want that with you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or someone else. So my way of filtering out nonsense is to have that direct conversation from day one, you know? And if the man runs away, then he is a child. He's not ready for a serious relationship. Because even if he doesn't want this, we can still sit down and have an honest conversation about it, right? If we sit down and talk about it, I think, "Okay, there's potential." He is mature enough to have a serious conversation like this. I believe in honesty
from the beginning. I believe in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mine on three, four, five dates, dinners and all that. Why am I going through all this? The only thing I can't get back is time. And because I respect the person in front of me, whether I am interested in them or not, I respect them as a human being. I am honest in order to respect them as well. And if it works, it works. If not, then no. But for me, the decisive factors in a relationship are, for example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious, honest conversation, that's a decisive factor. Someone who, for me, is complacent and not ambitious is a major deciding factor. Someone who is in their
toxic masculinity, that is, someone who wants to show off, wants to speak louder, wants to treat people badly just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And you know, toxic masculinity can be smelled, you know, from day one. How did you know in both marriages that it was time to leave? When it is physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive. I'm sorry to hear that. Yes, when you go through it and tolerate it for a while, when you wake up and say, what's happening? What the hell is this? This is not right, life is not about this. And then you look at the relationships around you and
you say, no, no, something is not right. This became the norm, but one day you wake up and say: no, this still doesn't feel normal, even though it happens every day. I had to put my ego aside, um, to understand the whole situation. Why do I say ego? Because in our culture, in our upbringing, you know how they say that divorce isn't the best thing, right? It's frowned upon. Although I am from the Middle East, even in the West it is frowned upon. So people stay in marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside world will say about them. Oh, she failed in the relationship. And you know, sadly, women are the ones who get blamed most of the time. My ego made me stay longer than I should have because I thought:
What will my family say? What will people say? And then, especially in the second marriage, when the same story started repeating itself, I said: Oh my God, what do I do now? Can I? Do I get a divorce? And people say they've done it twice. My ego wasn't my friend at that moment and made me stay longer than I should have. Did you stay longer in the first one or the second one? In the first one. Yes, the second one was 9 months, which is great because I had already started doing some inner work. But the first one was almost 13 years between courtship and marriage. It's heartbreaking because I think there's also the ego aspect, but it seems there's also the aspect of not feeling deserving of more? That's there too. There's the ego aspect
of worrying about what people will say, but basically you're saying: I'd rather accept this than have people say bad things about me. Yes, that was my case too. It's like being a people-pleaser, you know? I just want to be loved by everyone and chosen by everyone. I want everyone to see me in the best possible light. But that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone was okay. And then I realized that everyone was fine, except me. And that's when I said: no. Some people don't mind having an internal war to maintain peace on the outside. Know? And I don't want that
. He used to go home, have an internal war every day, but on the outside he maintained peace. Now, it's the complete opposite. I would rather burn everything around me in order to have inner peace. But all that, why didn't you walk away? Why did you care what people said? Your ego, blah, blah. All of this leads to one conclusion: lack of self-love. Mhm. It's that simple. If he had loved and respected me, he would never have been in those marriages. I would never have been in those relationships. But at the same time, I am very grateful because they were also my teachers. The one who hurt me was my teacher, my professor, and from that a beautiful son was born. If you told me you had a magic wand to go back and rewrite my story, I would write it
exactly the same way again. I wouldn't change a millimeter, because then I wouldn't be sitting here in front of you. Mhm. I am the woman I am today because of everything I've been through. There's a phrase I love. He says, "You can't break someone who sees beauty in everything, even in pain Mhm. Many people think it broke you, but for me, pain is a teacher. It makes you bitter, or worse. So you can't break me if I find beauty even in the darkest and ugliest places. That's what I experience every day. And darkness is where it all begins. A
baby in the womb, a seed underground. It all begins in darkness. So, instead of people thinking, "Oh my God, we brought out the worst in her." No, you brought out the best in me. I'll answer them, you know? I will take what I was given and create something much more beautiful for the world. What is your message for men and women who are in toxic relationships right now? My message is that I was there and I know it's not easy to leave. I know it's not easy to understand. And I know there's a cloud over your head and, no matter what we say, you're not going to listen. And sometimes the best gift you can give
someone is to let them suffer so they can learn. But if I can give you one piece of advice, it's that staying in that toxic relationship is slowly killing you every day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're going to live to be 70. We're talking about 70 winters, 70 summers. You know, 70 autumns. It's not much. Every wasted day is a lost day. You deserve a new story. You deserve to rewrite your own story. You are the captain of the ship. You are the director of the movie. Rewrite your story. Endings, people are always afraid of ending things, you know? But endings are so beautiful because they are an opportunity to start something completely new. And I want them not to be afraid to go out and fight for the
life they deserve instead of sitting behind a window watching their life pass them by. " I wish," "if only," "what if?", why?, why?, what if you just go out and do it? Many people will be annoyed and angered that you live your life the way you want, but guess what? You are not here to please anyone. You 're not here, you weren't born with a permission form that needs a signature. You don't need this person or that person, or he or she, to approve of anything. The only approval, the only signature you need is your own. The thing is, many people want to be free, but they don't understand that freedom is about freeing the mind. And what they also don't understand is that the key to that cage is in their hand. They are always
waiting for others to open it for them. No, go out there and rewrite your story. I have a sister and a brother, and my sister is not married. My brother just got married and I was sitting with my mom and I said to her: Mom, I'm thinking about getting married again. She told me: don't you dare say that, twice is more than enough. Your sister isn't even married. You have cousins who aren't even married. Enough is enough. Leave men alone. In his mind, may God bless his soul, you
know, based on culture and all that. She says: You've already done it twice. You earn your money. Go live your life with your son now. But I don't want to live my life the way my mom expects me to or the way my society expects me to. If I have to get married and divorced 10 times, so be it. And I always tell my parents that when I die and someone takes my story and wants to make a movie, it has to be a damn good movie. That's why I'm going to keep rewriting my story over and over again . So my advice to anyone in a toxic relationship is: I dare you to get out of there. I challenge you to experiment. I challenge you to have the courage and strength to say: I deserve more than the crumbs or whatever I'm receiving. You deserve not to be
hit. You deserve to be respected. You deserve flowers in the morning. You deserve at least the bare minimum for what you beg so much for. You deserve this every day. My advice to them is simply this. Go out there, have the courage to live life and not just exist. How did you find that strength when you were in such a painful position? Because it's as if, when you receive any kind of abuse, you feel at your weakest point. Because not only is that person hurting you, unfortunately, but you are also punishing yourself by accepting it. What did you do, and what have you helped others to do, to find that courage and give yourself that permission when it
seems impossible? The anger, while I was healing, the anger towards myself was much greater than the anger towards them. Because toxic people are constant, you know, that 's the "beauty" of them. They are despicable, and they are despicable all the time. They never change. They show you who they really are. You are the one who agrees to stay. So, that anger towards yourself, for being in the situation and accepting to stay, is what takes its toll on your body. Did you ask how I managed to get back up from all that and everything else? Do you know the bottom of the abyss? The bottom of the abyss has a basement. Have you ever heard of it?
Mhm. People think that the bottom is the end. There's a basement down there. Every pain, every heartbreak, every agony is an opportunity for you to find God. That's where I found God, not at the bottom, but in the very bottom basement. These difficulties are an opportunity for you to encounter God. And when I found God, I fixed my relationship with Him, I drew closer and understood that connection, then my journey of self-love began. Many people only remember God when they are in a bad situation. When they're in a good situation, they forget about Him, right? Or, for example, if something goes wrong: " God, why are you doing this to me?" No, Martha, you chose George, who was
toxic. It hit you on the first day and you stayed. God has nothing to do with that. We tend to blame our mistakes on God and say, "God, it's destiny." And this is what happens when you don't do the inner work. You will choose badly, you will go through bad things and you will always end up labeling them as destiny. Oh God, oh destiny, or that's what I had to live through. It's not your destiny. You wrote that destiny. You chose it. You are the author. You are the participant. You are all of that. That's how I got out of it, when I met God deep down and felt that profound love. Even though I was in a bad situation, I felt so much love, and then I realized that I have to
give that love to myself before exchanging it and giving it to others. And the reason I was always broken is because I gave it to others before myself. I am an empath, but this is where empathy becomes toxic. You know, you become a toxic empath. I love using this word with many of the people I train and all that. I say: "An empath without limits is like a house without doors." "Imagine just an opening without a door." Would you stay in this house? No, definitely not. Would you buy this house? Mm-mm. Would you stay for a long time? No. No, it's not safe, is it? So, people who are full of empathy but have no boundaries are not safe. That's why nobody keeps them. That's why no matter
how much they give, people leave because they can't even put it into words. People simply can't stay. You know, only when you build that door, not a wall, because many people build walls, but walls stop both bad and good things. Build a door. Open it for the good stuff. Close it for the bad stuff. Build a door. Protect yourself. Protect what's in the house. If someone enters that house, make them feel safe. Show them your leadership skills and the decisions you make in life so they can trust your guidance. I have a friend who was dating a guy. They really got along very well. Sparks, chemistry, everything. They saw each other every day for 3 months. And then, suddenly, he turned cold. He doesn't want to see her anymore. And
she tries to understand what's going on, and then, a month later, he's simply not interested anymore. No big breakup, no big message, no big reason, no infidelity, nothing. It's just a "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now". But 3 months of seeing each other every day, an amazing relationship, great dinners, great meals, everything else. Like a love bombing, you know? And I'm not going to say he's a narcissist, but narcissists do that for 3 months. They have to act, pretend to be a character. Sometimes 3 months, some are so good they can last 6 months. I don't know if he's a narcissist or not, but it seems like he was showering her with love. Let's take narcissism out of the equation, shall we? Let's speak in
human language now. If he " ghosts" you, act like you don't see him, because ghosts are things you can't see, you understand? So, pretend it does n't exist, because it simply walked away after sparking your interest. I feel it's very disrespectful when a man awakens something in a woman and then suddenly decides to disappear, Mhm. Alright? For me, it's so unattractive that I wouldn't even cry about it. As they say, I don't cry over spilled milk. If he left, he left. You are worth much more, and thank God it was only 3 months. Imagine if it had happened in 3 years. At least you're protected, you're safe.
The language you use is very interesting when you say that when a man, or in any situation, awakens something in someone else, I think that's the painful part. It is. Even with the language you used, I thought: yes, that's what's so painful for this person. They felt this surge of energy that was so exciting for them. Yes. They were n't even talking about forever. They were just excited about the next steps with this person. But I'm sure that if you were to talk to her, not now, maybe in 2 or 3 months, and ask her, "Did you see any warning signs from the beginning?"
There were warning signs, but guess what? They were clouded by chemistry. That's why chemistry is so deceptive. What are the warning signs that we overlook? For example, if you meet someone and from the beginning they tell you, "Oh my God, I want to marry you. You are the love of my life." It's like, dude, you don't even know my middle name. You don't even know what I like to eat. You don't even know how I handle stress. What if I'm evil? "You know nothing about me." I feel like when people push too hard, it's sexy, it's exciting, it makes you feel desired, and it's beautiful. If a man doesn't push and takes it slow, we feel, "What's wrong with him? Why isn't he going faster?"
"But it's healthy not to move so fast. It's healthy to take things one step at a time. It's healthy to take the time, as a man and a woman, to analyze things and not rush into anything. But this sounds very rushed. And also, my advice to that girl is, do you see that excitement he gave her at the beginning? She should feel that excitement within herself. She shouldn't need a guy to give it to her. I think she was just in love with the version of herself he brought out. And that version should exist anyway without him. Hmm. But, at the end of the day, if he ignores you, we ca n't see ghosts, so pretend he doesn't even exist. That's it. That's all. Another mistake we make is romanticizing potential.
Talk about that. It's like when you look at a guy and you say to your friend, 'Hey, maybe, you know, if he tries harder, he'll amount to something.'" Maybe if he does this, he'll do that. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. You're romanticizing potential. Can you look at the person in front of you and be with that person, because that's what you get? Potential is beautiful. You're seeing it. You may never reach it. It's false hope. You're feeding yourself misinformation. My only advice for this is: look at the person and believe what they say and who they say they are. As simple as that. We have this very interesting approach where we constantly say, "Oh yeah, I love everything about them except this one
thing." "I wish they would work on this." And there's a part of us that has good intentions because we think, "Oh, we see this potential." We see this growth." But, really, what we're saying is, "I don't like them the way they are." Let's cut the crap. Let's say it like nobody's listening. "I wish I could change them." Yes. That's the first thing you say. I enter this relationship. I want to change them. I want to make them like me, because that makes me happy. First of all, it's selfish, a wrong intention, a bad intention, the intention to
want to change someone. And that's not what it should be. It should be accepting someone. It should be loving them for who they are, accepting them for who they are. Actually, what makes relationships interesting are the differences we have between us. We should celebrate differences, not overshadow each other's differences and try to drag the other person to our side, like, "Come to my side." No, in a relationship, both of you have to work together to be the best version of yourselves. So, obviously, we expect growth. I expect you, and you expect me, to grow in a relationship. It's that simple. Even trees grow. I
mean, we have to grow up. But, to arrive and say, "Oh my God, she wears a lot of short clothes." She goes to clubs. "I'm going to change all that." Why? Leave her for a man who will love her for who she is. If your intention is to change, from day one, you entered the wrong relationship. It's that simple. Do people change? I believe people do change, but at the same time, I don't think it's my responsibility to give enough chances until someone changes. I mean, it's not my job to wait for someone to change. Because what if they don't? You know, so that possibility exists, right? And I'm not willing to take that risk. For example, let's say I'm 39 now. I'll be 40 next year. And I'm with this guy, and he's not even sure if he wants a relationship
or to have kids, or he says, "Let's take it one step at a time." But maybe he won't be fertile in two years. I could have been with someone else who was ready and started a family, right? When you're with someone and there are promises and all that, there's a risk. How much of a risk are you willing to take? And for how long? It's not wrong if I say, "I feel like, I can't be with you because I'm in a hurry for something else." That doesn't make me a bad person . It makes me a very honest person, and I 'm saving both of us time. So, I just love genuine, open conversations. I think people change a lot. I think people don't change for you or change for me. I mean, they change when they want to
change. And if someone does change just for you, then they'll change again just as quickly. I think the fear people have is, "Oh God, I'm going to get that person to change, and then they'll change for the next person, and they'll be so good for the next person and not for me." Okay, if I was with a guy and I had changed him, I would know there's a possibility he's better for someone else. If I love someone, I want what's best for that person. And if what's best for them isn't to be with me. You're very pragmatic. That's Sarah. It's like, yeah. I mean, look, it's fine, you have your team working for you. Aren't you training them to be the best One day they might leave and do a better job than you, right? But you don't care.
No, I don't care. Because that's leadership. Yes. Why does leadership disappear in relationships? Yes, that's very true. I want to teach my partner. I want to make them the best they can be, so that even if they end up with someone else, as long as they're happy, I'm okay. I think that's the hardest thing in relationships, because I think you're absolutely right. The business analogy makes perfect sense. There's one.
I don't remember exactly. It's one of those old stories, but they asked the CEO, you know, you're going to invest in training people. You're going to spend all this money on them. What if they leave? And his answer is, "Well, what if I don't train them and they stay?" "And he says, 'That would be even worse.'" "If they never improve and they're still working at my company, it's the worst bet." And I think that's the point, that if you don't invest in making your relationship better, you end up staying with someone you're just stuck with. Exactly. Even if you're not the right person. But also, this idea of " forever" is a farce. Because nothing is forever. I'm going to die. We're going to die. Everyone is going to die
. Nothing lasts forever. And people confuse love with possession. Like, if I love someone, I need to possess them. They're mine. Oh, no one else can have them. That's wrong. Love should set you free. Think of it like raising a child. If your mom were, say, very controlling because she wants to protect you, overprotective and all that, the child gets sick, wants to run away sometimes. So, the more you treat emotions and people as possessions, the more they want to leave, because love is freedom. Love is guiding them to be better, even if they don't end up. with you, and that's completely fine. You were saying earlier that self-love is the root of all this. For someone listening right now who feels they have low confidence, low
self-esteem, what would you encourage them to do?. You're not born without loving yourself. It's conditioning that happens from childhood, whether you had siblings, your parents weren't fair, or they did n't show you affection or love, or whatever . There are so many reasons why self-love can disappear. And many people confuse self-love with other things. For example, I have a friend who travels first class, buys the most expensive things, her house is great, her cars are great, her life is expensive, but she always feels empty and always says the same thing. She says, "I love myself very much." "I don't know why I feel empty." Because people confuse this 3D experience, which is buying things and the house. Well,
cool. Well, there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not self-love. That's not the ultimate goal, because when you die, nothing goes with you, right? Otherwise, why doesn't the Mercedes G-Class go to heaven or wherever we go, right? The point is, a lot of people think that just because I go to the gym, dye my hair, get surgery, and look good, I love myself. No, these are all fun external things, but self-love is saying no. Self-love is boundaries. Self-love is putting yourself first. Self-love is putting your oxygen mask on first in the airplane before putting it on anyone else. Self-love is not having to give explanations; it's being authentic no
matter how others perceive you. Self-love is being honest no matter what the outcome of the truth is. There are many facets of self-love, and the only way to get it is to go back to the day it was taken from you and you were told you weren't enough. Was it when you were four? When your dad was yelling at you? Was it when you were three? When your mom was mad at you? Was it your uncle? Was it your. It all starts in childhood. Science says your personality is formed between the ages of zero and eight. So, that's where your personality is created. So, whatever happens at that time, in terms of trauma and everything
else, affects you long-term. For example, I dropped out of college, you know? Because I had a business when I was 15. So, my father was like, " Oh, no, you have to go to college." " You can't do this." And I was studying film, I wasn't even studying physics, you know? I was studying film, directing, and acting. But at the same time, I had a business and staff to take care of. So I had to make a choice: this life or that one. And I dropped out of college, which really upset my father. One day, my dad was sitting down, and when he found out I'd dropped out of college, for love.yes, imagine, he didn't even mean any harm, because my dad is my best friend. He said, "Son, without this degree, you're not going to get anywhere in
life." Nobody will accept you without this title. Nobody is going to hire you. "It's not going to work." However, I was sitting there and I remember my reaction was: "Oh, no, let me show you what I'm going to do." Blah, blah, blah, blah." But when I got home and went to sleep, the child in me, the subconscious, started taking these words my dad said and fermenting in my head, you know? You're not worthy. My dad, my best friend, told me that. And from then on, I started making decisions based on not being good enough. I'm not going to be good enough. Nobody's going to notice me. Nobody's going to do this. And I spent many years rebelling to prove that I could do it. Even though I did make it, I did it, I was successful, but
years later I was still proving and proving instead of enjoying my success, instead of enjoying life, I was still proving. So, this is what trauma does to you. It creeps in and infiltrates your decisions, your behavior, and all of that. Even your triggers, you know? If we're conscious enough to let go of our ego and look at our triggers, we realize that they're our untamed shadows. That's what they are. And that's why, you know, when You do the inner work and you work with your shadows, you tame your shadow. You don't kill it or get rid of it. You ca n't get rid of your dark side. You are a yin and yang. You both exist within yourself. So, when you tame your shadows, you are no longer affected by them. So, even the
triggers, the untamed shadows, emerge. And these. these are all responses to trauma. All of this, no matter how kind, loving, or good you are. We are all broken, and we all need to mend and work on ourselves to find ourselves again. I want to ask for your quick reactions to these classic love clichés. I'm going to read them, and you give me your reaction to them. Okay. So, opposites attract. Yes, no. It's not, it's not a real thing. What's your take on it? I mean, opposites are great in relationships. Similar is boring, too. But I've seen similar people who have great lives
together. So I think in the end, it's all about compatibility. Love It's blind. Love is definitely blind. In a bad way or a good way? Love is blind because our hormones are in control. So, if we're conscious enough to understand how everything works in the body, yes. Yes, our hormones don't have eyes. That's the problem. What do you think about this? When you know, you know. Yes, I believe in that. Like I say, being with a narcissist, when you know, you know.
What about "love is all you need"? I do n't think love is all I need. I need love. I am all I like that. You complete me. No. I complete myself. And if you complete me, that means I'm using you. What do you think about love at first sight? I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in liking at first sight, you know, I believe in attraction at first sight. I believe in a lot of emotions, but not in love. Love takes a little time.
What do you think about "the Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I mean, it does, but if you're with the right person, you'll miss them even when they're right next to you. So, yes, it does. It does when you spend time away; you miss people. Tell me about how hard it was for you to forgive after going through a toxic, narcissistic relationship. I struggled a lot with forgiveness because I didn't define it correctly. Look, the brain is a computer, and the more I break down information for it to understand, the more it acts on it. When I was told that you need to forgive to heal, I was like, " How? Forgive physical abuse?
How can I accept something like that?" "And then I understood, after doing a lot of spiritual work, that forgiving doesn't mean what you did was okay or that I forgive you for what you did to me and I'm okay with it. No, I'm not okay with it. I'll never be okay with it, but I do forgive myself for choosing to be with you. I forgive myself for letting these things happen, for staying so long because you showed me who you are. You know, and I ask myself: Am I really angry with you or am I really angry with myself? So, forgiveness and closure are within me. If I forgive myself, I can easily forgive someone else. The definition of forgiveness, once I redefined it, was the
game-changer. Also, forgiveness doesn't come with, you know, an open invitation to come back. That's the best part, because a lot of people feel like if I forgive, I have to welcome them back. No, apology accepted, access denied. If you didn't apologize, that's fine, no big deal, access is still denied. Forgiving doesn't mean I agree." with what happened. It means I don't feel anything about it anymore. If I'm still angry or if I hate any of my exes or anyone bad in my life, I still have feelings for them. Because feelings don't just mean love. If I hate, I still have feelings. I don't want
feelings. Some people aren't even worth having feelings for. So I'm indifferent. And the way I know I've moved past something or a situation, or that I've healed from it, is when I'm indifferent. If I look back and I'm still affected or feeling something deep down, I say, "Ah, I have feelings. I have to get rid of them." Even if they're negative. Even if they're hate. Even if they're anger. Which is valid in certain situations. No, I need to empty my entire system of any emotion because you're not even worth any feelings. Because of what you put me through, I'm indifferent toward you. So when I look back on my life, even about the physical abuse, I'm indifferent. I don't feel anything at all. I wish them nothing but the best, and Well, I hope karma
catches up with them. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. I always tell people, it's like a laptop. Why is it that when you right-click on a computer, it says "cut," "paste"? It doesn't say "cut file to." It 's not long. The command is small, short words. The clearer the commands to the computer, the more you give orders and don't just wait for them, the better your life will be. For example, I don't wait for my brain to give me ideas because I know it's a processor. I'm a soul who also runs this show. I'm the person who observes my thoughts, who observes everything. So I give my brain orders. For example, I flew here. Three days. I have jet lag, right? So what I tell my brain is that I also have a name for that. So I say, "Phoenix work mode
activated." And I train my brain so that when I say work mode, it means that even if I'm tired, even if I'm sleepy, I have to show up, I have to go, and the brain Obey. I want people to know that you can biohack your brain. And that's one of the things I teach most in my courses: that I can teach you how to hack your brain, how to hack your hormones, how to stop the release of cortisol, how to remove it, how to release endorphins. Everything is possible. This is a machine. Just like I can hack an email, a laptop, I can hack this too. Everything is hackable. The only thing I want people to get rid of is their limiting beliefs. Because with limiting beliefs, I can't do anything with anyone. And a lot of people might
ask you, Jay, how are you the way you are? How am I the way I am? How do you guys do what you do in life? How is it that, out of billions of people? It's because we don't have that limiting belief of the 9-to-5 schedule or that life is only about that. We have a broad, open belief that is receptive, open, and always changing. And I wish people had that. Because if you don't have limiting beliefs, you can do Anything. Definitely. Sara, we end each episode of On Purpose with the Five Endings. These questions should be answered in one word or one sentence at most. So, Sara, here are your Five Endings. Uh, question number one, what's the best advice you've ever heard or
received? You ca n't break someone who finds beauty in everything. Like, if you find beauty in everything, no one can touch you or break you. Even in the worst situations. Once I took that advice, gave my brain that command, everything was easy. There was beauty in everything. Question number two, what's the worst advice you've ever heard or received? A doctor once told me, he said, you're an entrepreneur, you do technology, you do this and that, you do this, you do this, you do this. Oh, and now you want to start singing, and I. I just sat there and said, "So?" He says, "
Yes, but who are you?" "What are you?" "." "You're everything and anything." I mean, he's saying, "You're very scattered." I just looked at him and said, "I feel sorry for you because, do you think you're here just to be one thing?" "I 'm here to be everything and anything I want. I'm here to live an experience. So, if I want to sing, if I want to dance, if I want to act, if I want. why not? I don't want to, I don't want to cling to just one identity. I'm constantly changing. I am everything and I am everyone. I do n't want to be just Sarah the entrepreneur, Sarah the speaker. I want to be everything. Why be black or white when there are so many colors in the rainbow? I can be so many things.
Definitely. Uh, question number three, what's your favorite tattoo? I have a tattoo of a witch. And a lot of people see it and say, 'Oh my God, what does she do at night?'" "Which means a woman in total control of herself. Oh, wow. That's good. Usually, women's reputations, voices, and decisions are always in the hands of other men- husbands, brothers, boyfriends, you know, dads. And just being a witch, being an alchemist, is this woman in total control of herself. I like that. That's good. That's awesome. Question number four, what was the biggest limiting belief you had to let go of in order to live the life you have today? That I can't change my mind. There may be bigger things out there as limiting beliefs that could
change our lives, but the ability to know that I can change my mind and it's not shameful, it's not wrong, it doesn't make me fickle, and it's okay to change my mind. One day you may like something, the next day you may not, and that's completely fine. I was taught to think that you're a fickle person or that you're someone indirect if you keep changing your mind, that you can't be trusted. But it's such a belief." Limiting. You're allowed to change your mind. And that's why so many people hold on to things that aren't good for them. Yes, because that applies to careers, it applies to people, it applies to. it applies to everything. Okay, fifth and
final question, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be? I wouldn't allow people to date or get married until they've done the inner work. It would be mandated by the government. Which I think is a good thing . No, I mean, so you're going to have like 0%? Yes. Everyone's going to be single. Sarah, it's been wonderful talking to you. As always, if this clip provided value and you'd like to see more, this next video has been specially chosen for you based on your viewing habits. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please subscribe to the channel so we can continue bringing you fantastic conversations.
