Regret Living and Why It Matters

You're going to die. Not someday far away. Inevitably, and probably sooner than you would like to admit. And deep down, you already know that if you keep living the way you're living right now, you're going to regret it. You might be feeling in those quiet moments that nagging question of is this really it? Is this really how my life is going to be? But the thing is, you don't actually know what to do about it, right? You know, maybe something is wrong, but you can't name it, and you definitely don't know how to fix it. I actually felt the exact same way and that was the reason I started to look for answers and I'm an avid reader and I read a lot of books. So I was reading bunch of books

trying to answer this question. Why do we keep postponing our lives? Why do we keep saying we'll do this thing someday but that someday never comes. That's actually exactly when I found this Japanese book. This book is from my subtle, a data scientist who studies how we perceive time and how our daily decisions shape the length and quality of our lives. She's actually approaching this like question of the meaning of life and how do we keep postponing it and how to live a life we won't regret in a scientific as well as a philosophical way and she combines both western and eastern philosophies and it's a very interesting book. So today, first I'm going to explain from a western and eastern philosophy

perspectives what's actually really wasting our lives. And then secondly, we're going to look through the true brutal truths we can't face which are basically the root of everything. And then finally, we're going to talk about how to live a life without regret and not only in a theory, but also like an action plan that is backed by science. And this is definitely one of the more important videos that I make in, you know, on this channel. So, it's definitely not a comfortable video to watch and neither it was really comfortable for me to research as well. But please stick till the end because this is an important topic that we should not delay. Most people think the

issue is productivity, time management, discipline, motivation or finding the right productivity system. So, we read books, download apps, make schedules and it works for a week or two before we are back where we started. But actually, I realized that the problem is way deeper. We actually don't know what meaningful time means for us, what we should be doing or what really stops us from doing what truly matters. Bla1 Pascal said, "Most human problems come from actually one thing, which is not really knowing what we truly want. When we don't know what we want, we waste time on things that don't matter. And even if we get more productive and efficient, if we're going to the wrong direction, we still

won't feel happy no matter how many things we would get done in a day. Because being satisfied and being efficient are two completely different things. You can be incredibly efficient at wasting your life, like completing every single to-do list that you have. Checking off tasks that don't matter, optimizing a path that leads nowhere. So, what's actually causing this? Why do we keep avoiding the things that matters? And what the hell are they even? And this book explains that actually perfectly. Quick thing before we dive in. I actually made a free 5-minute assessment called Why You're Stuck. It diagnoses whether you're climbing the wrong mountain, stuck in the same day thinking, or just confusing busyiness with progress. Links in the

description below. It's completely free and it will make everything that I say in this video hit really different. So, if you're interested, check the link in the description below. One of the quotes that is mentioned in the book, which is from the 17th century French writer named Rash, I don't know how to pronounce that name. We're just going to put it on the screen. Okay. And he says, "Neither the sun nor death can be looked at directly. You know the sun gives us life but you cannot stare it directly and death is essentially the same. We know we will age and die is the most certain thing in our lives but actually thinking about our own death makes it really hard to live positively even

though we are aware of it. So we look away. We stay busy. We scroll. We plan for someday all to escape this vague fear of death. By not facing the reality that our time is limited and that we're going to 100% die. We act like we have time forever and postpone everything meaningful. And the book says there are three things actually humans cannot face directly which are death, solitude and responsibility. And it says that in order to avoid death, solitude and responsibility, we waste our times and we keep ourselves busy so that we will not face them directly. And when we don't face them directly, we create a life that we will regret. So the first one is the death. Barlan University found that people tend to view their own

death as something that happens to others not to them. And because of this, we treat time as infinite, act like there's always tomorrow and push meaningful things to later and later becomes never. And the second one is the solitude. Buddhism teaches that humans are actually born alone and will die alone. Like no matter how many people are around you, you are essentially actually always alone in this world. There's no one that will 100% understand you. And even if you're surrounded by millions of people, when the moment of death comes, you're actually alone.

Understanding this actually helps us see what wastes our time like meaningful relationships we maintain just to not feel lonely or the constant need for others approval or changing who we are to fit in and following the crowd. All because we can't accept that some level of solitude is permanent and we cannot escape being alone. And the third one is responsibility. John Paul Sarter said that humans are condemned to be free. We can freely shape our lives but that obviously comes with responsibility. The more you're free, the more decisions that you can make. But you also need to face the consequences of the every single choice that you make and that is quite hard. A lot of people have the victim mentality

and like to blame to external things. But when you think about it, every single day that you live, you're making bunch of decisions and you're going to take those responsibilities no matter whether you own them or not. Like the consequences will 100% come because no one is going to live your life for you. You know, when we're scared to take responsibility, we tend to listen to other people's opinions and you know, we stop thinking for ourselves because when you think for yourself, you know that it's your decision and you know you have to take that responsibility. Whereas if you would listen to someone else's advice, you can always blame that person for being wrong. So the book says that

basically by delaying responsibility, you stop your own thinking and you start to blame others because you cannot face the fact that you are the one that decided and you're trying to escape that. And to cope with death anxiety, we immerse ourselves in anything whether it's work, hobbies, phones, games, so that we don't have to think about death. And to cope with loneliness, we see friends and partners not because we genuinely want to connect, but we distract ourselves from being alone. And the difficult part about this is that the more we lie ourselves, the more we try to escape from death, solitude, and responsibility, the more we actually start to believe in those lies and it becomes a fact in our lives

because you're believing in those lies so much. No matter how many books, no matter how many things that you would try, you will not feel satisfied because you're not facing the root issues, you're always running away from them and you're always looking for the substitute. Those are the three fundamental things that we need to look at and not look away. So what does actually facing these like death, solitude and responsibility even mean? Like what do people do that don't have regrets do differently? So let's talk about what the research says about it. There's actually a famous book from a nurse named Ronnie Wear who spent years caring for dying patients and she has a

book that is called five regrets of the dying or something along the lines of that and found the same five regrets coming up over and over. The first one is I wish I would live a life true to myself not the life that others expected. The second one is I wish I hadn't worked so hard. You know those are the people who miss their kids growing up and miss a lot of relationships. And the third one is I wish I would had the courage to express my feelings. A lot of people keep things inside and die with words unspoken. And the fourth one is I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. You know, we let meaningful relationships fade because we're so busy with work or this and that. And the fifth one is I wish I'd had let myself be happier. A lot of

people realize too late that happiness was actually a choice that you need to love yourself. And the interesting thing that is not actually on the list is I wish I had made more money. I wish I had worked more or I wish I had maybe more followers. These regrets all connect to three things actually we can't face. Not living true to yourself is avoiding responsibility. Not expressing feelings is avoiding solitude and rejection. And not letting yourself be happy is avoiding the reality of the limited time. Everything I just explained, the substitute actions, the someday thinking, it actually comes down from one of the four root causes. You're either climbing the wrong mountain, trapped in a Sunday mode, missing a

system, or confusing busyiness with progress. So, I actually made a free 5-minut assessment, which is called why you're stuck in life alignment diagnosis that tells you exactly which one is keeping you stuck. It's completely free and links in description below. Take it now or after this video. It will actually help you apply what comes next in this video. And actually when it comes to happiness like then okay so we do want to be happy but what is happiness actually in Kobe University they studied like 20,000 people and found self-determination actually impact happiness more than income. So making your own choices like for example about your school career and relationships has a stronger effect than how much money

you make. And in another like research from professor Sonia Luberskis research found that happiness is actually determined by 50% genetics 10% life circumstances like money, health, appearance and 40% intentional actions like the habits and the behaviors who we choose. Like only 10% is determined by the circumstances like the job, salary, apartment, relationship status. But the 40% actually comes from the actions that we can choose. And it's also wild that 50% is genetics. There's actually also like a paradox called the E. Sterland and it says that once you have enough for basic needs, more money doesn't increase happiness due to hedonic adaptation. Basically, we get used to good things quickly and

relative comparison. Basically, we compare ourselves to others, you know, people around us. Because if you increase your income, probably your friends will also be richer. You know, you'll hang out with more rich people. So, when you compare to them, it's not going to be that much. even though you significantly make more money. Now when I actually looked into different studies, the same thing happens again and again. So what we actually truly want, I feel like it's actually the freedom. Freedom means being able to make your own decisions like where to go, what to do, who to be with, how to live. And money is essentially a tool that allows you to choose in life. And that's the reason why we want to have money because we want to choose the life

we want to live. And if you don't have money, others decide that for you. If actually controlling our lives and choosing what we want from life is happiness, then can we actually not do it in a day-to-day basis without necessarily having more money? The answer is actually taking control of your life, having the guts to steer it yourself and managing your life while accepting that death, solitude, and responsibility and not running away from them. When you look at the people who handle a ton of work without burning out, the difference isn't necessarily motivation or willpower. It's actually how much they feel like they're controlling their own life. Because when you feel in control, when you feel like you have the ability to control

yourself and the outcomes that you want, motivation follows naturally. Energy flows and days feel satisfying. When I look at my most like successful periods, like even now, I would say when I'm fulfilled with my life, it's always that I have the feeling of I am able to control how I'm spending my days and how I'm spending and allocating my time. When we don't feel in control, then we try not to look to the root cause problems because there is death. The deadline is coming, but I'm not able to control my time. Therefore, I'm going to look away from it and fill my time with the things that I'm going to indulge in so that I don't really need to face the reality of the fact that I'm going to

regret my life the way that I live. So, I feel like it all comes down to being in control and feeling like you're in control. No matter what happens in life, even a bad thing happens. When, for example, when my uncle scammed my dad, the reason why I was able to be calm was because I knew that I am in control and I can control my life. No matter what happens in life, it's definitely not going to be easy. But I believe in myself that I am able to control my time. Therefore, I'm able to overcome that. Therefore, I'm going to be happy no matter what happens. So, how can we actually be in control? like what are the things principles or mindsets that we need to adapt to be in control being

free therefore feel fulfilled in life and while not running away from our problems there are actually three principles for living in the book it says that like from Buddha to Aristotel to modern scientists the same three principles appear on how to live well so let's talk about them the first one is the distinguish what you can't and what you cannot change there's like this thing called serenity prayer I'm not a religious person, but I actually really love this. The prayer goes, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." And actually, the same concept also appear appears in Buddhism

as well. In Buddhism, they say that you cannot fix the branch issues, but you can fix the root causes, which is the fear of death and accepting that you're alone in life and ultimately that life is suffering, which is quite interesting. When you accept those things, the Buddhism says the branches, so the surface level problems, they still do exist, but they don't matter that much anymore essentially. So it says fix the root and the branches become manageable. So what this actually means that we cannot change that we will die. We can't change the fact that we are ultimately alone in this world and we cannot change that we are responsible for our choices and the fact that life is maybe even a suffering. It says that

stop fighting them and accept the fact that life is indeed a suffering. Focus your energy on the things that you can change which are your daily actions, your responses, your choices. And the second principle is be proactive because you know as you remember 40% of happiness actually comes from intentional actions. Not genetics, not circumstances but the actions that you do every single day. So habitual behaviors that is aligned with your values, caring for people around you, building real relationships, moving your body, expressing gratitude, these are not necessarily productivity hacks, but these are essentially how humans are designed to thrive essentially. So if you are pro proactive, you don't wait

until the circumstances change. You act anyway and then circumstances will change. So being proactive is essentially accepting the fact that no one is going to save you and you are alone in this journey and then taking responsibility and acting the way that you want yourself to act. Taking responsibility of your actions. It might not be your fault but it is your responsibility. And the third principle is understanding that life requires suffering. There's actually this thing called the paradox of comfort. We think happiness actually means like avoiding pain, right? Like we try to think all the ways to be more comfortable like to for example lose weight without restricting your food without exercising

or how to make money fast without learning about this the thing that thing everyone is looking for the shortcuts but the paradox of comfort it says that getting comfortable removing all stress is actually makes us even less happier. In the greenhouse experiment in 1991, the researchers grew threes in a perfect greenhouse where it had a ideal temperature, perfect nutrients, like no stress whatsoever. Okay, the trees grew fast, but then they died very fast. So what happened? If there is an ideal circumstance, ideal environment, why do these trees are dying? What was missing was essentially the wind. The stress of wind actually

makes trees develop stronger roots, which makes them more resilient. And without stress, they couldn't like survive life. And in my opinion like humans are essentially the same. Zero stress actually don't makes us happy. It just makes us weak and we need some difficulty in our lives actually know some challenge some resistance. That's how we grow and that's why we feel satisfied. Psychology actually calls this the effort paradox. The more cost, time and effort you invest into something, the more happiness you get from it. Easy wins feel empty. Hardearned wins feel meaningful. And the reason why we're so empty is because we're always looking for the shortcuts.

We're always looking for the easy wins because we're so fixated on winning. But what actually matters is the process. Actually, what if life is all about experiencing all the emotions, right? Like the anger, the sadness, the happiness, the worries, whatever that is. You cannot always chase one emotion. Think about it. You cannot always be angry. So why do you think you can always be happy? All emotions are created equally. And trying to escape from other emotions and always choosing the comfortable one which is the happiness is essentially trying to have an easy win. You have to experience all the emotions to understand and appreciate the happiness. Life is hard

and life requires suffering. It's like that for everyone. But when you are so fixated on happiness, you're always comparing your current emotional state with where you think you need to be, which is being happy. And then you feel sad by looking at the gap between those or you think you are sad. Maybe that's exactly what you need to feel right now. You don't necessarily need to feel happy. And the thing is that whenever we try to avoid negative feelings, actually they get stronger. There's even like um this thing called the white bear effect. Harvard psychologist Daniel Wgner discovered something where when you try to not think about something, you actually think about it more. They

basically ask the participants to say like, "Do not think about the white bear." And you start to think more about the white bear because you're trying not to think about it. Essentially when we try to avoid the things that we need to face we actually think about them more whenever we try to escape the responsibility actually the weight becomes heavier. So instead of running away from negative feelings or telling yourself that ah every emotion is equal therefore I'm fine and trying to think positively about it what we actually need to do is not running away from negative feelings or trying to become toxically positive but understanding why we feel that way face it name it and then take action whatever it requires us

to do or maybe sometimes it will not the author basically analyzed over like 50 4,000 studies and what she actually found that works to face the emotions and face the circumstances without escaping from it and without delving into this toxic positivity comes with three steps. The first step is the noticing becoming aware of what's happening in your mind. And the second step is accepting not judging whether it's good or bad but just observing and accepting the fact that it exists. And the third step is committing, taking action on what actually matters and what the circumstance requires for you to do. And when I actually read this research, I actually realized something which is

like exactly what my system actually does. This is exactly how I tackle life. And I think that is the reason why I was able to overcome so many issues like my uncle scammed my dad and my family went bankrupt and since 21 I was the bread winner of the family. the system that I'm going to explain, I didn't necessarily build it from theory or knowing those things. I built it because I need it and because I was struggling and it accidentally aligned with science. So, we have these principles, right? Accepting the things that we cannot change and understanding what we're feeling and then taking action. But how do you actually do this every single day without it becoming another thing that you abandon after 2 weeks? Or

how do you actually execute on this thing? That's exactly what my actually system solves. And let me explain more in detail. When at my lowest point of my lives, when my family was struggling financially and when my uncle actually scammed my dad and my family was about to go through a bankruptcy and I was 21 trying to be the bread winner of the family and financially take all the responsibility. I was living everything I just like described. The three anxieties, the selfdeception, the substitute actions. I was always asking myself, is this what really life is? And I needed something practical that would help me face hard things daily without feeling it like a burden. You know like when hard things happen in your life you

try to like avoid that and that avoiding becomes procrastination and that cycle never ends. The more you procrastinate the more you feel guilt and the more you feel guilt. The more you procrastinate because you're scared to face that guilt and this cycle goes on and it's like rabbit hole. So that's the exact reason why I actually built my Kaizen system which is a daily practice for intentional living based on continuous small improvement not intensity or perfection because I'm a perfectionist person that has this all or nothing attitude and I can be extreme sometimes but that was one of the things that was limiting me to actually become the person that I want to be. Basically how my actually kaizen system works is

that you start your each day by dumping everything out of your head. Okay, we call this the brain dump practice where you write down every single thing that comes into your head. Whether that's tasks like worries or the you know responsibilities that you need to do or maybe thoughts that are crossing your mind. What this does is that writing separates you from your problems. Instead saying like I'm a failure it becomes I have a problem that I'm dealing with. This was quite important for me because I am quite harsh on myself and I had very high standards. But the thing that I was struggling was that I was basically combining my

problems and seeing the problems as who I am. But what I need to do was really separating them. A lot of times we tell ourselves, I'm a failure. I'm this. I'm that. But it's more about, okay, I'm actually struggling with this. When you do that, it's not a self anymore. And doing this brain dump, doing this practice really helps you to dissect with the problem that you have with who you are. And it makes it way easier to tackle the problems. And over time, you actually start to spot patterns. For example, I always procrastinate filming videos, okay? For example, like this video. And I realized after doing multiple brain dumps that I'm avoiding this video because I'm not satisfied with the concept yet. Previously, I

would tell myself, "Wow, I'm such a failure. I'm avoiding filming a video that only takes me an hour for days. Like, I'm such a lazy person." That's something that I would say to myself. But after doing brain dump so many times, I realized, okay, whenever I'm not really satisfied with the video, whenever I feel like there's like more that I can add to the video, I feel I'm not ready to film the video. Therefore, I avoid the thing. Once I realize this pattern, whenever I feel like I don't want to film the video, then I look into the research that I've done and look for the parts that are lacking and then I do a little bit more research and then I realize I'm now able to film and I don't feel anything negative towards it. So a

lot of times when you are not able to take action or procrastinating or feeling bad, there's a pattern that you don't notice. But the only way that you can do this is by separating your problems with your selfident identity. And with a brain dump, you can do this very easily. So if you're interested, go check out my website rudohmon.com and you can get the Kaizen system from there. When you get the Kaizen system, you get a lifetime access and you will also get access to all future updates and there's so many actually exciting workshops and events are coming soon that is going to be first available to Kaizen system users. So if you're interested definitely check it out. We

have so many exciting things coming for the new year. The second thing is daily highlight which is committing to what truly matters. Oftenimes when we try to do this thing and that thing and this life is very busy right and we get lost in the noise and we get distracted and we also distract ourselves with other things and we don't make time for the things that matters. We keep telling ourselves that someday but daily highlight actually helps you to get over that someday cycle by forcing you to pick one thing that matters for that day and that is going to be highlight of your day and

theme of your day. And when you do this you become more intentional. you face the things that actually matters to you instead of just trying to avoid death and just avoid that you have a limited time and you might not have that someday. So after I actually started to do this daily practice, you know, I'm not necessarily getting more things done, but I am more fulfilled because I know I got the thing done that mattered for that day, which makes me feel like I am in control of my own life. You know, like right now, for example, I'm looking at my to-do list. There's so many things that I haven't got done today. But the reason why I'm satisfied today is because I got already done the thing

that mattered for today, which is filming this video by the way. So once I'm done, this was actually a successful day. And that was one of the biggest things that I struggled. I was not focusing on the thing that mattered. And not only that, I was piling up my schedule, piling up my to-do list, piling up my really focus and attention and dividing it to the things that don't matter. And when you do that, you feel not in control. And when you are not in control, you feel like your life is passing by. And when you do that, you're essentially living a life that you will regret. So by picking a daily highlight every single day, you're reminding yourself that today is the only day that you have because tomorrow is not

guaranteed and pass will never come back. So this is definitely one of my favorite exercises and it's also a part of the Kaizen system and this is the daily exercise that you do essentially every single day if you get the system. And another thing that I really like actually about the Kaizen system is the weekly reviews where you can look back at your week and accept your week without any judgment. And the great thing that I like about it is that it actually comes with prompts and it basically guides you through how to do the weekly review. You can make it in a detailed one or you can like have a basically a short weekly review. But the questions that I always like to ask myself every week is that what went

well? What didn't go well? And what can I do better? And by asking myself what didn't go well, I actually normalize that there are going to be things that didn't go well essentially because I always like I'm so a perfectionist that I tell myself like oh I didn't do that thing good. I blah. But when you have a weekly reflection that asks you like what were the things that sucked this week then you are expecting yourself to fail at certain things. You know, when I do my weekly review and when I realize that there not maybe things that didn't go well that week, that's a sign that I realize that maybe I haven't experimented enough that week because if I hadn't tried new things, I would probably have failed and I would

have learned a lesson to how to do better next week. So, it actually I think lower the bar towards failure and trying new things. and you're always able to reflect and you can always read back your previous weekly reviews so that you can see like the growth over time on Kaizen system. You know, Kaizen is basically the daily habit. It's a daily process that you go through. And not only that, we have many more like crazy features around it. But we have actually two versions. When you get the Kaizen system, you get two versions which is a simple version and an advanced version. So even if you for example don't know like um how to use productivity systems or you're new to this, you can start with the simple

version which guides you through the Kaizen log. So the Kaizen activities that I mentioned like the brain dump and daily highlight etc. It can be as simple as that. And because the simple mode and advanced mode are synced you will never lose data once you're comfortable once you get used to using Kaisen system. You can switch back to the advanced mode and you will never lose data. And whenever you're overwhelmed you can go from the advanced mode to the simple mode. And that's the thing that I like, you know, because sometimes I would like open on my phone and I would just do like the simple boat, the daily exercises and then that would be it. And some days I would open like the advanced mode on my

PC and do more like advanced planning. The fact that I can always switch between them allows me to like take a step back on the days that I feel overwhelmed. Especially like if you're a beginner, if you never use systems like this and if you're struggling or maybe thinking whether you will stick with it, definitely check out Kaizen. Go to my website rohama.com and explore with the simple boat. We have so many good testimonials. We have so many good reviews. And when you get the kaizen system, you will also join to the discord community where I'm also in and you can ask me directly questions. And when you got get the kaizen system, you have lifetime access to our discord chat. So why not join? I will

be waiting you there. And when you make this a habit of like you know you go through these daily exercises, you actually start to I think be more productive towards your life. you are facing it and you're thinking about your life actively because before that I would just go through emotions and I would just live on autopilot but when I started to do the daily exercises on Kaizen I realize I am way more aware of my life where my time is going and where my attention is going and then it creates this feeling of I'm controlling my of my own time and of my own life which genuinely creates fulfillment. So essentially you have two paths right now, right? Like the path one is close this video, live life the way you want

and keep telling yourself that someday will come. But you probably deep down know that someday will never come. And the second path is actually take responsibility, face the reality and take action. You might use my kaizen system or you might not. But either way, I want you to face the reality and the things that you're escaping and the things that you're trying to avoid because the more you avoid, the harder and the more painful it's going to get. So, I want you to face whatever you're running away from right now and take responsibility for your own life and understand the fact that we don't have much time. So, I hope you enjoyed this video. If you're interested, check out

my Kaizen system from my website rudohama.com. If not, watch this video next.