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Tesla just revealed its new Roadster at a live stream demo event yesterday where the car drove vertically up a wall, then hung upside down for several seconds before flying off the ramp and landing safely. Then it did a kick flip over a semi-truck. Why? To trick us into TALKING ABOUT IT. DAMN IT. The new Roadster was engineered to solve the problem of a car's speed being constrained not by the power of the engine, but by the amount of grip the tires have on the road. So Tesla gave the new Roadster vacuum fans on the bottom, which is how it stuck to the wall during the demo. Deciding to go full sicko mode, Tesla also added compressed air jet thrusters to the car, allowing it to accelerate from 0 to 60
in 0.81 seconds. Then presumably the car would drive itself to a hospital so the driver could be treated for whiplash. Critics are quick to note that the 600 liter tanks of onboard compressed air can only support short hops rather than sustained flight. So it's not technically a flying car. To which we say, "Shut up you nerds. The car kick flipped over a semi truck." Except I'm one of those nerds. We cannot call it that. It's falling with style. It's floating gently down at best. Elon, master of accurate launch estimates, said the new Roadster will be ready in two years, which is just like a toddler saying they have laser eyes now. It's simply not the case. It's not going to
happen. And the rocket trim, the version of the car with the thrusters making it capable of doing the short hops, will be available by invite only and almost certainly won't be legal to drive on public roads. Which has raised the question of why? Why force your engineers to make a basically useless yet admittedly cool thing? To my mind, it's because of the same indomitable human spirit of exploration that drove men like Edmund Hillary to summit Everest. With all of the Earth's tallest mountains now conquered, what choice do we have but to build rocket cars that can kickflip into space and conquer Mars? In the words of the illustrious Carl Sean, "Humans are a way for the universe to know itself and kick flip a rocket powered supercar over a
semi-truck sometimes. You do it. Citizen Lab, a University of Toronto-based counter inelligence research facility, one of my favorites, has just released a report containing the first public confirmation of zeroclick spywear being delivered through online ads. Uh-oh, the internet just got way more dangerous. The spyware in question was found on the computers of Alazer journalists and was traced back to two Israeli companies working in concert adtech firm Discovertech and spyware maker Kanderu. The attack path used Discoverte's real-time bidding platform to deliver malicious ads which when loaded on a page used an unknown exploit to download Kandiru's devil's tongue spywear onto the targeted machines. So hot.
Analysis of ad bidding records shows that the campaign has been running since 2024 and reached users at the Pentagon, NATO, and the European Commission. Though spywear has, as of yet only been discovered on the machines of the Alazer journalists. Once on the computer, the spyware exfiltrated files, emails, and messages, captured keystrokes, and screenshots, and could even record the computer's microphone and webcam. That is pretty nasty stuff. But what do you expect from a company that named itself after a parasitic Amazonian fish that's most famous for supposedly swimming up people's dick holes and using spikes to lodge itself into the urethra. Some companies call themselves uh Uber.
The spyware company seems to have recognized the optics of being associated with a parasitic vampire fish. So they recently rebranded themselves as Integrity Labs. went all the way the other way. Anyways, the internet's now and it's the Dickfish Company's fault. Thank you, Dickfish Company. Nvidia's RTX Spark laptops are officially available, ushering in what Gizmodo is calling the MacBook Proification of Windows laptops. You got an ARM chip, unified memory, and Apple tier pricing. But now it's these are spiced up with CUDA support. And because it's Nvidia, you know, they're pitching this as a gaming capable chip. LT Labs found that in Cyberpunk, the Spark lags behind AMD's Ryzen AI Max Plus 395 and
gets annihilated by a mobile RTX 5070 Ti. To be fair, Labs didn't use any upscaling or frame gen. So perhaps Nvidia's 100 plus FPS at 1440p claim is accurate as long as you lean on a little of that digital lift and skin smoothing magic. And gaming is old news anyway. This is hardware priced for enterprise AI task, the hot new thing that all the kids are doing. And paying $5,900 USD for a Spark laptop loaded with 128 gigs of unified memory is a great tax writeoff. Okay. Well, surely the Spark will obliterate AI workloads. It's got native CUDA, remember? It's for AI stuff. Uh, well, it's a little bit better than the Apple M5 Pro and much worse than the laptop 5070 Ti. Wait, so
who are these laptops actually for? People who need to run massive AI models on CUDA sluggishly and who want a MacBook Pro experience minus Mac OS with a $700 markup? Or hear me out, you can fly to China and pick up some used Tesla V100s, which are cheaper right up until your roaming bill arrives. Which is why you should check out our sponsor, Syy's new phone numbers are like Seth Rogan. You always kind of know what you're going to get, whether he's in Longot, Steve Jobs, or Superb Bad. Still Seth Rogan being Seth Rogan. And honestly, that consistency is comforting. It's the same with SY. Download the EIM once, stay connected across 200 plus
destinations, and now you can get a US number for calls and texts. No physical SIM, no contract, no airport sim card scavenger hunt. SY's phone numbers just work wherever you go. Very Seth Rogan. Get a 15% discount on sale eim data plans. Download s app and use tech link at checkout. I wonder if s can visit more countries than Seth Rogan. You know, because of the weed. The quick bits give today's stories five big booms. They bring the boom. That's what they do. They bring the boom. They bring the boom to you. New York Congressman Richie Torres has announced the Power to the Players Act, aimed at getting the FDC to guarantee that purchasing a digital game actually grants you ownership. WHAT THE act would also
require developers to provide offline functionality whenever servers inevitably get pulled. Is this guy a gamer? Is he one of us? Is he Is he actually rising up right now? But hold on. It's only an announcement that he eventually intends to introduce the bill and it's conveniently timed a few weeks before he's up for reelection. It worked. I'm going to go vote for him. What does that work? Gamers say they're cautiously optimistic and expect the bill to spend about 9 years in early access before BEING QUIETLY DELISTED.
MAP QUEST, still a thing, has launched a new surveillance layer in their maps that shows where license plate cameras like the ones operated by incompetent mass surveillance company Flock Safety can be found. I'm so glad Map Quest is still a thing. They launched the new feature as part of a Halloween themed The Roads Have Eyes campaign. I think we're actually in Cyberpunk like right now. It's happening. The camera locations are crowdsourced so users can add any devices they spot. And the layer covers not just Flock but Motorola Solutions, Axon, Verata, Vercada, uh, and all of the other mass surveillance companies that have piled on to the panoptagon that is our day-to-day reality. Not bad for the website your
dad's been printing all of his directions off of since 2006. Crypto wallet maker Ledger has confirmed that some of its wallets were sold with hidden LTE spy chips that were installed by unknown third-party resellers. My guess, aliens. These chips were then used to steal an estimated $90 million in crypto from cold storage where it was being preserved for future generations. Rude. The tempered wallets were drained when the chips captured the 24word recovery phrase during setup, then transmitted it back to the attacker servers over the cellular network. Who could have guessed that a nonentralized completely digital
currency with no oversight that's used primarily by criminals could be compromised like this? Ah, Meta has released Muse Spark Open again with the sparks. Nvidia already took it, guys. an 816 billion parameter openweight model tuned for Apple silicone silicone. I don't know. I could have just I could have just moved on. I don't know why I stopped. And it seems to at least according to their benchmarks give the other openweight models a bit more competition. However, to run the model right now, you need a terabyte of RAM, which I think is just kind of like a mythical legendary thing that's not real at this point. You would need two big Macs, M5 Ultra Max Studio specifically, which cost you around $38,000.
Although, we probably will see quantized versions of the model that can run on more modest hardware eventually. As K do so eloquently put it, I remember you was conflicted considering it's a Meta product that isn't harvesting your data, but a product that is still made by Meta nonetheless. I concur, Kendrick. I am conflicted. every damn day. And hackers hijacked internet connected Danfos refrigeration systems earlier this week at as many as 700 French supermarkets, cranking up the temperature to 50° C, which to put into perspective is hotter than France's all-time temperature record. Why do these hackers raise temperatures to unsafe levels causing food spoilage and even in some cases starting a fire? We
may never know, but Danfos says the affected units were running outdated firmware it had told stores to update. In the store owner's defense, if Danfos had called me and said, "Hackers will break in overnight, crank your freezers to 122°, and then just leave," without so much as a ransom note or explanation, I'd have screamed, "Why?" And the Danfos guy would have screamed, "We don't know." And then we'd both just keep screaming. And you'll be screaming at yourself if you miss coming back on Monday for more tech news. I can't wait to go visit Costco over the weekend and buy a double chocolate chunk cookie. I hope I run into AJ in Big Justice. I would not ask to be graced by the inquisitive spirit
known only as the Rizzler. But I do hope wherever that child is, he is laughing as he prances around a field of dandelions. Thank you for everything you've done.
