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We are taught so many things at the beginning of our lives that we never use again. Think about the subjects you learned in school. What percentage of the subjects you studied in school do you practically use today? I suppose that percentage is quite low. But the skills I'm going to share with you today, if we had learned them so early, would have benefited us forever. I find it incredible that no one is sharing these ideas. That we often don't listen to them as the best advice. This is not what they are telling us. It's something you have to read between the lines to extract it and implement it in your life. Hello everyone, thank you so much for joining me today to talk about the seven lessons I
wish I had learned earlier. Honestly, these are seven lessons I wish I had learned in my 20s, or even in my teens, and I think they would have changed my life. They would have changed the quality of my relationships. They would have changed my performance at work. They would have changed the speed with which I found my purpose. Now, if any of you are having trouble making an impact, if you struggle with your mind, or with anxiety or stress, this episode is for you. The first lesson I wish I had learned earlier is that the less you say, the more your words will matter. I always used to think that the loudest person in the room had the most power. The person who talked the most had the most control. Until I realized that the one who
talked the most was the one who had the least control. They were trying to seem nice. They were trying to be popular. And in that attempt, they actually made it harder to be memorable. This principle, this lesson, will change your life. The first thing it will do is prevent you from feeling anxious in social settings. How many of us enter a social environment trying to appear interesting and important, only to leave feeling insignificant and irrelevant to the conversation? If you realize that being silent is not a weakness, but a strength. Because? Because you can listen. This means that when you respond, people will also be able to see that you absorbed what they said. Look, most of us don't have problems
because we don't listen, but because we think about what we want to say while we listen. Because of that, we don't even digest what someone is sharing. So, when we open our mouths, that person feels disconnected and distant. First, it will eliminate that anxiety and nervousness when you're at a party, a social setting, a work event, or whatever. The second thing is that you have the opportunity to show interest, which is even more important than being interesting. People love to share and answer good questions. When you get good at asking good questions, people feel good. They will react in a good way. They'll appreciate it. Now, most of us, when we ask questions, say things like, "How was your
day?" That person has been asked that question so many times in their life that they have a rehearsed and repeated answer. Something like: "Good, excellent, okay, blah." TRUE? Now, perhaps you'll be a little bolder and talk about the weather. That 's boring too. That person has been asked about the weather for years. Now, you may have heard that we should ask what excites someone the most. That can sometimes feel quite challenging for that person. This is what I'm going to share with you. If you're going to ask something, share your thoughts about it first. Say: "I've been watching a really cool TV show. What do you think about it?
Have you seen it?" They say, "No, I haven't seen it." And then they say, "Tell me about it." Now, they've actually asked you to share something. Many of us talk too much when we're not asked to. Unsolicited advice and conversation are potentially the hardest things to do to keep someone's attention. When someone asks you a question and you answer, it keeps their attention. When you talk without letting anyone else get involved, we really lose their attention. The less you say, the more your words will matter. The less you complain, the more people will listen to you. The less you react, the more control you will have. The less you argue, the more dignity you will retain. Talk less and say more. When you walk into a room and
start complaining about your day, your commute, your trip, or your weekend, what causes that? It puts everyone in a negative space, in a negative environment. Now they connect you and associate you with negative emotions. Even if they say, "I agree. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm sorry to hear it." You have created a contagious space for negativity. Save those complaints for a friend you can vent to. Save those complaints for someone who feels the same way as you. When you walk into work, when you walk into a family gathering, walk in and share something amazing that happened to you. Something you are
grateful for. Ask someone what was the most memorable part of their week. Something beautiful that happened to them. Suddenly, you will start a chain reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter, it's easy to believe that more words mean more connection. But studies show the opposite. According to a 2014 Harvard study, people only remember 17% to 25% of what they hear in conversations. Flood someone with words and your meaning is lost like a drop in the ocean. Wise communicators know that brevity creates impact. A student approached his teacher and asked, " What is the secret of wisdom?
" The teacher simply replied, " Listening." The student asked again, "What is the secret of wisdom?" The teacher replied: " Listen." Frustrated, the student demanded further explanation, to which the teacher replied: "If you listened, you wouldn't need any more words." This is one of my favorite stories because it shows us that, instead of thinking about what we are going to say, evaluate, or think, if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we would have something meaningful to say. The reason you don't have anything meaningful to say is because you have n't listened. We don't listen because we are afraid of the gap between listening and responding. But in reality, if you listen and take that time, what you
say will have more value, more impact, and will be more likely to be remembered. So, here's a habit, a practical habit that I want to share with you. Before your next conversation, ask yourself: "What is the essential message I want them to remember?" Say it clearly in one or two sentences. So, when you enter a conversation, be very clear with yourself: "What do I want to communicate? What is the essence of what I really want to share? What do I want to embody?" And let your silence add weight to your words. The second lesson I wish I had learned earlier is: let go or you will be dragged along. Think about this. When you don't let go of something, it doesn't stop. He doesn't pause. If you don't let go of a
person, they will never stop changing. If you don't let go of a person, they don't stop living. If you don't let go of a person, they won't stop doing whatever they're doing. Sometimes, the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Think about all the times in your life when you were so attracted to someone that you just kept chasing after them. What happened? You didn't let go and you felt drawn in. What about when you were dating someone and maybe they gave you all the signs? You saw all the red flags that person wasn't right for you, but what did you do? You didn't let go, so they
dragged you in. And what about that friend who kept manipulating you? That he was still taking advantage of you. I took you for granted, and you didn't let me go. So you ended up being dragged along. It is much better when we voluntarily let go early instead of being dragged through life alongside this person wherever they go. Let go or be dragged along. Let go or get left behind. Let go, or let what you're clinging to break you. Let go, or let yourself be crushed by the weight of what no longer exists. Clinging to what hurts you won't save you. It sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it. It poisons you. Holding on for too long turns love into resentment, hope into
suffering, and memories into anchors. What you don't let go of will eventually let you go. Perhaps even brutally. What you don't leave behind will drag you down until you can no longer walk. You don't lose by letting go. You lose by refusing to let go. You see, the thing is that attachment often feels like love, but uncontrolled attachment is more like a chain. There is even science that supports this. Neuroscience shows that our brains literally reconfigure themselves in response to emotional pain. Holding onto resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the same brain regions as physical pain. There's another Zen story
that I love. Two monks walk along a beach. They come across a woman who is drowning in the ocean. A monk jumps into the ocean, swims, picks her up, and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's okay and move on. A few hours later, the other monk asked the one who had jumped into the ocean, "Brother, we are monks. We are not supposed to touch women, much less carry them. How could you do that?" The other monk replied, "I took her to a safe place. I put her down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?" This story beautifully illustrates the idea that the longer you carry something, the heavier it becomes.
The more it affects you. And many of us see letting go as a failure. We see letting go as if we have made a mistake. We see letting go as if we are ruining something. But, in reality, letting go may be the best path forward. So, here's a very practical step I want to take. Write down a grudge, a disappointment, or a fantasy that you are clinging to. And then ask yourself this. What would happen if I let him go today? Imagine walking lighter for just one hour, and act from that place. Try the thought experiment. You don't even have to do it in real life. Just think about it for a moment. If you let go, if you started looking for new jobs today instead of complaining about your current one. If you started finding new connections and friends
instead of comparing your life to the past. If you started to allow yourself to let go of the expectations you have of others, who would you be? I promise you the answer is much better than you imagine. And if you're afraid to do it in practice, practice it in your mind first. The third lesson I wish I had learned earlier is: talk about your relationship with the person you are with more than you talk about others. It's about the proportion. We should spend 80% of our lives talking to that person and 20% talking to others to get wise advice, recommendations, and perspectives. It's something really healthy. The problem is that our proportions are the opposite.
We can spend 20% of our time talking to the person we are in a relationship with, and that 20% could be filled with arguments, conflicts, and tension. And then we go and talk about it with someone else who doesn't have the power to solve it. This will change your life. If you started spending more time talking to the person instead of talking to the person. If you could spend more time talking to your partner than talking about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend more time talking to your partner than talking about your partner, your relationship will change. If you could spend more time investing in connecting with your partner than connecting with other
people to talk about your partner, your relationship will change. Talk about your relationship with the person you are in a relationship with, not with others. Talk about your problems with the person you have the problem with, not just with others. Talk about your needs with your partner, not with your friends. Talk to them, not about them. Now, look, I understand. Venting can feel good in the short term. Brain scans show that expressing anger activates the brain's reward system. But chronically venting to friends instead of addressing problems directly creates emotional triangulation, a pattern that often worsens problems rather than solving them. There's a
Zen story I love, where a man went with many neighbors to complain that his roof was leaking. Each of them gave him some advice. Meanwhile, the leak was getting worse. Finally, a wise neighbor told him, "Talk to your ceiling." In other words, act where it really matters. It's great to receive advice. It's important to have a support system, but don't forget that the number one system is to resolve it with the person involved. So, here's today's practical habit. If something is bothering you about your relationship today, resist the urge to write to anyone. Instead, schedule a time to talk to your partner.
Share something you appreciate about her. Share where you want the relationship to go, and then explain, with kindness, concern, and candor, how you want things to change. And most importantly, what are you willing to change? That will change your relationship. The fourth lesson I wish I had learned earlier is that you understand who someone is when they are stressed, not just when they are at their best. How many times have you met someone and seen them on their best day? You don't really know who someone is until you've seen them on a bad day. You don't really know who someone is until you've seen them in a bad mood. You don't really know who someone is until someone has done something bad to them. It is in those moments that you realize who someone
really is, 360°. So, instead of jumping to conclusions when you meet someone in a good mood and having a great time, give yourself time to get to know them. Give yourself time to watch it in different scenarios. Furthermore, it's not just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone is when they're with their family. It's about seeing who someone is when they're with their friends. It's about seeing who someone really is with strangers. It's about how he treats a waiter. It's about how he treats the goalkeeper. It's about how he treats the person he passes on the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios, you'll have a healthier, deeper, and more complete understanding of who they really are. Don't meet someone in just
one setting and give them an amplified view by assuming they are the same person in all settings. Don't meet someone at one stage of their life and assume they will be like that at all other stages. You see, the mind likes to make things easier for itself. We like to think, "Oh, I know this person. I understand them." Well, this is the truth. You know someone when they 're stressed, not just when they're at their best. You really know someone when they're overwhelmed. You truly know someone when things don't go their way. You really know someone when they get a "no" for an answer. You truly know someone when they lose control, not when they have it. Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone
can be patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything is easy. But true character emerges when patience runs out. True loyalty emerges when you're not popular. True respect appears when there is nothing to gain. Notice who blames others. Observe who attacks others. Observe who punishes. And observe who maintains the courtesy. Pressure does not create cracks. It shows where they already existed. Pay attention to who someone becomes when things get easy and it's gone. That is also its essence. That's the kind of person you're dealing with. That is the truth you cannot ignore. Character is not revealed when life is easy. It is tested and exposed under pressure. A University of Oregon study found that
people's true traits emerge much more consistently under stress than when they are calm. Think about it. Anyone can be nice when things are going well for them. One of my all-time favorite examples is Wayne Dyer. He says, " When you squeeze an orange, what do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get pineapple juice, you don't get coconut water, you get orange juice. Because when something is squeezed, you get what's inside. You get what's inside it. " Some cracks reveal beauty. Others reveal weakness. However, the goal is not to distance yourself from someone because they are struggling with stress. The goal is not to abandon someone who is facing challenges or feels overwhelmed. My
point is that you don't really know that person yet. So, here's today's challenge and habit, an experiment I want you to practice. Observe how someone reacts to a minor inconvenience. A traffic jam, a late order, a mistake. Are they kind or harsh with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing with themselves and with you? Take note without judging, but clarify what you are getting involved in. Lesson number five that I wish I had learned earlier is that you don't get what you deserve, you get what you accept. We hear this all the time. I think I deserve more. I deserve
more money, I deserve more love, I deserve more respect. Sometimes we walk around feeling internally that we are not receiving what we deserve. And guess what? You're right. You're not getting what you deserve. You are getting what you accept. No one will notice you're working harder if you don't make it clear. No one will notice you're putting effort into a relationship unless you make it obvious. No one will know or remember the sacrifices you have made until you defend yourself. Remember, you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept. You don't receive what you deserve, you receive what you protect. Deserving is a feeling. Acceptance is a standard.
Boundaries are protection. You can work hard and still be ignored. You can love deeply and still be mistreated. You can give it your all and still be underestimated. You don't prosper by having hope. You thrive by refusing to shrink. I know it's a painful realization, but it's true. A 2021 study by the American Psychological Association found that those who consistently tolerated minor boundary violations were 62% more likely to end up in emotionally draining relationships. 62%. Think about that. TRUE? When we accept that people break our boundaries, that they don't respect our value, we are simply accepting anything. You're not going to get what you deserve at work, at home, anywhere. It doesn't work that way. One of
my favorite stories about this is about a farmer who accepts that a storm is coming. She doesn't pray for it to disappear, nor does she deny it. Just build stronger walls. Similarly, accepting less than you need teaches others that you will bend until you break. Here's the habit I want to suggest to you today. Think of a boundary you hesitated to impose. They could be late replies, canceled plans, or jokes at your expense. limit once. First with yourself, and then when you feel comfortable with someone else. Perhaps you're still allowing people to cancel plans at the last minute. Perhaps you're still letting people get away with saying things about you. Now, here's the point. The reason we fail at this is that we tend to attack people. We don't set
a limit. We attack people. We say, "Why are you treating me like this?" Do n't do that. That's not a limit. A boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself. If someone does this again, I won't invite them again . If anyone speaks to me like that again, I will not respond. Setting a boundary doesn't mean someone else will act differently. A boundary means that you act differently when that person acts the same way. Lesson number six that I wish I had learned earlier is that some people love the old version of you because they could control it. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you that stayed small. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you that didn't set limits. They don't miss you.
They miss the version of you that needed their approval. When you outgrow your old self, you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there. When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from your injuries. When you rise, you reveal who supports your survival, not your success. Don't shrink yourself to fit into old spaces. Don't give in to make old relationships easier. Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only love the unhealed, insecure, and controlled version of you, they don't love you. They love your compliance. This is probably the hardest to learn because we feel bad. We wish we could still be that person, but we know we aren't.
We are more organized. We are more focused. We have more commitments. We have more priorities. And that person wants us to be available, close, simply present all the time. Look, science backs this up. Growth threatens those who benefited from your smallness. A 2022 survey showed that 58% of people admit to feeling uncomfortable when a close friend or partner progresses in their life. It's not always malice. It's not that they want you to fail. It's not a negative thing. It's fear. It scares us because it reminds us of our lack of growth. And that's why I'm telling you that you do n't have to go back to that old version to
compensate. In fact, it's very likely that if you keep growing, they will too someday. Not if you try to convince them, not if you try to make them grow; Just seeing you fly might make them decide to fly one day too. So, here's my habit for you today. Write down one way you have changed for the better in the last 12 months. Celebrate it privately or share it proudly without apology. Lesson number seven that I wish I had learned earlier is that "I'm bad at sending messages" is code for "you're not a priority." I used to want to convince people, even if they didn't return the message, even if they didn't respond, I always wanted to stay connected.
Only to realize that they did n't really want to connect with me. And while I was trying to do that, I was missing out on the group of people here who really did want to. I ignored a group of people who wanted to connect, who believed in me and supported me, for another group that showed no sign of it. I promise you there is more love in your life than you recognize, because you are looking in the wrong direction. I promise you there are more people who want to be your friends than you think, because you're trying to be friends with someone else. I promise you there are many people who would like to spend time with you. But you're missing out because you're trying to chase after someone else. Read the signs. You don't need to become a
conspiracy theorist. Most of the time, again, it's not malice, it's not something negative, people simply have other priorities. Don't turn the fact that you were left out, dropped, or not invited into a conspiracy theory. There's simply no chemistry. It simply doesn't work, and that 's not a big deal. There are people out there who want to have chemistry with you, connect with you, and invite you out. Remember this. Read between the lines. "I'm bad at sending messages" is code for " you're not a priority." "I'm confused about what I want" is code for " I'm sure I don't love you enough." "I'm bad at communicating" is code for "I'm not willing to put in the effort with you." "I don't know what I'm looking for" is code for "I'm
keeping my options open." "I 'm only focusing on myself now" is code for "I don't see a future with you." "I'm not ready for anything serious" is code for "I'm ready, just not with you." People dedicate time to what matters to them. People make an effort for those they value. People appear for whomever they want. Excuses are translations. Listen to what they're really saying and protect your energy. Believe in patterns, not promises. Actions are the only real language you can trust. Constant communication is a choice, not a personality trait. A Pew Research Center study shows that 89% of people between the ages of 18 and 49 check their phones several times an hour. If anyone wanted to communicate, they
could do so. It's very important to remember that. So, here's the habit. If you're chasing someone's attention, stop. Notice who approaches you freely today without you asking and dedicate your energy back in that direction. I hope this episode helps you learn these lessons, clear your mind, and deepen your relationships. Remember, I'm not saying that anyone who treats you like that is bad, negative, or a horrible person. The important thing is to have clarity and not let conspiracy theories dominate our thinking. If this clip provided you with value and you want to see more, this next video has been specially chosen for you based on your viewing history. I hope you enjoy it, and if you do, please subscribe
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