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What's up, non nuts, dumb asses, dumb nuts, and nut asses. I'm Ryan Jay, and I'm Jordan Cleer. This is Sports War, the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. So, if I say Jaylen Brunson had the best Law and Order SVU cameo of all time, then I have to say, no way. Look, I love the Knicks in five, but I want the Knicks in zero of my TV shows. His acting was a sex crime against my eyes. Well, you know what? I trust you, Ronnie. You know a lot about sex crimes. Let's start out with the biggest story in professional soccer, or as the rest of the world calls it, footy kick, where an Instagram legend is hanging up his national jersey.
A worldwide soccer superstar is stepping away from the international stage. Cristiano Ronaldo announcing his retirement today from Portugal's national team. The 41-year-old posting a video on social media saying, "It's been a privilege to wear the uniform for the last 23 years. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out there. Is that what Portuguese sounds like? Because he sounded like a drunk Russian guy trying to speak Spanish. Anyway, congrats to Ronaldo on a great international career. He's going out on top with the most goals in Portuguese history. And no one will ever touch his record for number of shaved pubes.
Okay, wrong as usual, Ronnie. You have no idea how many pubes I've shaved. Where's my trophy? All I got was a bathtub that looks like a bird's nest. Regardless, Ronaldo is only 41. He has no right to retire. He owes it to the people of Portugal to play for another 30 years until his body falls apart, leaves the game in shame, and spends the rest of his life selling reverse mortgages with Shaq. Now that's leaving it all on the field. Which brings us to our Pale Chug bet of the night. Now that Ronaldo's retired, who's the greatest active soccer player to jack it to?
Brought to you by gambling. Gambling? Are you retired and rich? Not for long. Let's move on from footy kick to footie ball, specifically the NFL, where there's an inspiring story about everyone's favorite part of the game, the coach's hobbies. Former Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin, he's got a surprising off-field hobby. He has been building the same Minecraft city for the past 12 years. He recently posted a nearly 20-minute tour on YouTube showing off the city complete with a condo complex and aquarium on every floor, CVS, 7-Eleven, entire neighborhoods.
Wow, this is inspiring. Not enough people care about the most thrilling sport of all, urban planning. These NFL coaches work really hard and should get to wind down with soothing hobbies like Minecraft or golf or banging a manipulative 25-year-old. Okay, Jordan, I've lost all respect for you and Mike Tomlin. All right, his Minecraft city sucks ass. He was given a blank slate to create any world he wanted and he just made a CVS and a 7-Eleven. I can't wait to visit his DMV. That makes me want to kill myself. Hey, Coach Tomlin, put down the controller and stick to what you're good at. Losing the first round of the playoffs, which brings us to our gold Minecraft bet of the night. What sad hobby will Ronnie pick up after his kids abandon
him? Brought to you by gambling. Running from the mob counts as exercise. Let's move from the NFL to college football, where the players aren't exploited by wealthy owners, they're exploited by wealthy donors. And one college football program is giving back to its students. The University of Maryland isn't having the best football season, losing five consecutive games and experiencing major attendance issues. The athletic department hoping to entice students to attend and stay by holding a raffle to win free tuition for the spring semester. To win, students have to check in at the SECU stadium, fill out a halftime report, and then be present for the final whistle.
Wow, what a great way to support the team. I mean, nothing pumps up a football team like hearing a packed stadium full of fans yell, "Get to the raffle." Here's an even better idea. Why don't they just disband the University of Maryland? I mean, that's one less college charging students half a million dollars for a useless degree in environmental poetry. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. How dare you, Ronnie? My brother got a degree in environmental poetry, and he's really good at driving my parents to their appointments.
Personally, I love this idea. They should expand it to any bad football team. It would be perfect for the Jets. If they could find just one fan with a college degree, which brings us to our over undergrad, better tonight. Which NFL team has the stupidest fans? Brought to you by gambling. It's a smarter investment than college. Speaking of gambling, let's take a moment to celebrate our gambling hero of the week. Tonight's hero is Hans Xanberen of the Netherlands. He's an elderly gentleman who recently asked a Dutch charity to fulfill his final wish, gambling at his favorite casino one last time. And here's an actual picture of Hans making his dream come true. Oh, I'll I'll tell you it is.
It's always touching to see a man spending his final hours with those he loves most. The sexy stars of Cleopatra's gold. I disagree, Jordan. That man does not belong in a casino. Okay, for one thing, he looks healthier than most of the people I've seen at a slot machine. He belongs where every man of his age belongs. selling reverse mortgages with Ronaldo and Shaq. Well, that's all the time we have for Sports War. Join us next week when we debate whether jugglers should be allowed in the Olympics or just be executed.
