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Do you hate going to parties? Do you panic when someone says, "Hey, come meet my friends." Have you ever hidden behind a bush to avoid someone you know? You're not special and you're not broken. You're just a little rusty. But consider this your pep talk because you're going to go to that party. You're going to talk to people. You're going to walk out of there with a shred of pride because you showed up for yourself. So, let's get you ready. Here's the truth. You do not need to be born an extrovert in order to be good at socializing. In fact, you can be the most introverted person on the planet, but you still have to talk to people.
It's just a human skill. Just like driving, just like cooking, the more you do it, the easier it will become. Each time you talk to someone, imagine yourself stretching into a loose rubber band. You know, extroverts are nothing but a loose rubber band. Extroverts just think less before they speak. So, statistically, they end up saying a lot more stupid things. You know, it's not about talking more, it's about talking better. So half the battle is just getting to the party. I feel like as like a culture, we've just romanticized saying no to anything that involves multiple people. I've been guilty of that. You know, when plans are cancelled, there's a part of me that's like, "Thank God." We need to stop
convincing ourselves that skipping every party, every social gathering is some sort of radical act of self-care. Sometimes self-care looks like putting on your big girl pants and saying yes to things that make you grow. So before you immediately say no to every RSVP, really listen to your gut. Like is this the right party for you? If it is a group that you know you don't vibe with that historically every hang you've ever had with them, you feel worse about yourself, then yes, you should absolutely decline. But if it's a party where the excuses sound more like self-doubt, like I don't know if I should go because I'm not really feeling that good and I'm nervous about what I'm going to say and what if no one talks to
me, then stop. Yes. say yes. That is the party that you will go to. Even if it's just for 45 minutes, just go because you're going to realize like even if I go to this, I'm not going to die. Now, it's time to prep and warm up. And to me, prep work looks like reflecting on what kind of questions and answers that I might, you know, have to answer at the party. That means dealing with small talk. I know everybody hates small talk, but it's inevitable. For me, I actually like small talk. I just don't love small talk for the entire conversation. Like small talk is nothing but a vibe check, a temperature check. It's just like tasting the soup if you even like what's happening. People are going to ask,
"What's new? How is your week?" And I think it's only frustrating when you don't have an answer. So before you go to the party, check your calendar, check your journal, and just like select three to four talking points in your head. You don't need to memorize it like a script, but it's just nice to have those kind of floating top of mind. And what helps keep them fresh is by practicing. So if you are like really rusty and scared to talk to people, we got to warm up by talking to some strangers. Yes, talking to people that you do not know. They're everywhere. It's your barista. It's your cashier. It's the librarian. It's the person in line next to you. If there is some sort of transaction going on, talk
to them. You know, just a simple, "How's your day going?" Chances are, if you talk to someone, they're going to talk back. And it's just free practice. It's just you stretching that rubber band. If you don't want to ask a question, give them a compliment. For example, I was at Whole Foods the other day and my cashier was wearing like a Keith Herring hoodie and I was like, "Oh my god, I love your hoodie. Did you check out Keith Herring at the Broad?" And we spent the next like 5 minutes talking about color theory. It was just like a really fun interaction. I never was this type of person. I used to get so nervous about speaking to other people. I always kept to myself. It was just this
block that was sitting on my chest. And what that was self-doubt. Self-doubt is why we freeze. It's why we rehearse everything in our head. And when the moment actually comes, it passes and you say nothing. It's the most like frustrating thing. And I had to unlearn all of that. And therapy helped me get there. That's why I've partnered with BetterHelp, who is sponsoring today's video. My therapy session showed me that self-doubt is the silent killer of connection. And it was convincing me that what I said didn't matter. It was convincing myself that I was boring, that everyone else just had it all figured out, that they were just more fun and loose and witty. But those are
all lies. In therapy, it was helping me untangle all of my overthinking and all of my doubts. BetterHelp connects you to a licensed therapist who can help you stop second-guessing yourself and start speaking up. You just fill out a questionnaire and then you get matched with a therapist in just a few days. They've got over 7,000 reviews and a 4.5 star rating on Trustpilot. So yes, they're the real deal. So if you are tired of shrinking at every social gathering, definitely try Therapy. You can go to my link betterhelp.com/jen for 10% off your first month. That's better h e l p. I'm going to leave that link in the description box. So please click it. And also when you click it, it helps support
my channel. So I'd really appreciate it. There's this notion that in order to be confident, you got to be the loudest person in the room. Mm-m. Being the loudest person in the room just means you're the loudest person in the room. It's not really a good look. I feel like true confidence, real confidence, is just entering a room and just kind of being there, being present. So, the next time you're in a group, just observe. Like, let the conversation happen. You don't need to jump in like you're auditioning for SNL. Hear what everyone is saying. Like, like you're tuning in to your favorite TV show or like a podcast episode that you've been dying
to listen to. And then when you hear something interesting or something that interests you, you can jump in being like, "Oh, wow. You went to Iceland alone." People love that. People love when you give them a prompt to elaborate. And also, let's get rid of the idea that being quiet means you're failing. Just being engaged is enough. So, if you're not going to say anything, you got to work on your non-verbal cues. That means your body language. So, like, no one wants to talk to someone who's like this. Even if you're feeling like this emotionally, stand up straight, uncross your arms, relax the brow, angle towards the person that's talking. A little nod here and there, like, m, wow, really. Reactions. Wow. Tell me more.
Really? Uh-huh. That's it. Just work on your body language and your reactions. And honestly, you can sustain a whole conversation like that if you didn't want to talk. Whenever I go to a party, whether that be a bar, a club, someone's house, I like to get a lay of the land. You know, I like to see what my surroundings are. Why? I feel more anxious in places that I'm unfamiliar with. So, I like to survey the place. Like to know where the exits are, where the bathrooms are, if there's any food or snacks, if there's an outdoor area, if there's a little nook that's quiet that I can escape to if I get too overstimulated. This is also really a
great trick if you get to a party and you don't know anybody and you're like, I don't really know what to do. Or if you came to the party with someone, it gives you something fun to do. Like I always say, hey, let's go exploring. Oh, let's do a little wander. Let's do a lap. It's very casual. It's non-committal. And again, it gives your brain something else to focus on aside from, I feel so awkward. This information comes in handy later on. So, let's say like you're talking to someone, you can say, "Oh my gosh, did you check out the crackers in the kitchen?" or, "Oh my gosh, the deck is so nice. Have you been there yet?" Or even, "This place sells pina coladas.
Have you tried them?" These observations are really great because they act as openings. Another huge plus about having this mental map of the party is you will know the quiet zones. These are particular places in the party where the music is not pounding in your ears because yeah, like parties are really loud and they're chaotic and they're overstimulating and I find it really punishing to be next to the speakers all night. It hurts my eardrums. It hurts my voice. And if there is someone that I actually want to talk to, I want to be able to have a space where it's like good for one-on-one conversations. My most profound moments at a party come from these quiet zones. So, if you can
like pluck the people that you want to talk to and bring them out to the quiet zone, you're golden, you know? And it's such a power move just being like, "Hey, want to step out for a sec?" So confident, so cool. And then you get a chance to ask them questions. Yeah, because questions are the stimulant of a conversation, you know, and there's levels to it. To start off, my go-to questions are always like pretty light and recent. My go-to is always, "What were you doing before this?" You know, it's like it literally just happened. So, they're going to know what the answer is. My question that I really don't like to get these days is, "What did you do over the weekend?" I'm like,
"Oh my god, I don't know why." Like, my brain malfunctions. Like, first off, I'm like, "It is the weekend right now." And like, why don't I remember? And the thing is, if you blank out, just admit it. Just be real with how you feel. Just like a simple, "Dude, I don't know why I'm blanking out. I like I genuinely don't remember. Uh, what did you do this weekend?" So, just like flip the question back on them. Remember, the goal isn't to impress anyone. It's about being interested. Let's say the conversation is really flowing. You guys are hitting things off, but you're just kind of like, "Why are we still kind of talking small? like why are the topics so shallow? Well, it is up to you to make things deep. If you get deep
first, chances are the other person is going to get deep. Your response has the ability to make any topic have more depth. Like if someone asks the question, hey, what's new? This week has been really hard. I've been struggling. I've been struggling because I feel stuck. like I have so many ideas that I want to do but for some reason I'm not able to execute them. You know like you don't need a trauma dump on them but just giving them a little like hey this is kind this is like a trailer of what you've been struggling with. I prefer when someone does that as opposed to just keeping things smooth. The beautiful part about humans is that they've got cracks. When someone is too
perfect and too polished they're like a really smooth egg. It's like an egg that you can't grab onto. You just kind of slip off. Sure, you're perfect, but you don't have anyone around you. It's the people that have character. It's the people that have dents and grooves in them that people can kind of cling on to. So, show your dents. the perfection. My final point is knowing when to move on. Some conversations suck. Some people are just not going to like you. It's not rejection, it's reality. Just because there's like some friction at a party doesn't make you a failure. If anything, like that person's probably going through it mentally.
Maybe they feel so socially anxious. Maybe they have something on their mind. Maybe you activate something in them that makes them feel unworthy or I don't know. Or maybe you just remind them of someone that they hate. Chances are it's not personal. And if it is personal, then their problems with you are their problems. They're not your problems. If especially if they're not going to say it in front of you, like you just got to learn how to move on. You could be like the best version of yourself and people are still not going to like you. That's that. You just got to float on to the next interaction. Exit phrases are really simple. Like a simple, all right, going to top up. I'll see you around. Or
like, I got to go to the bathroom. I'll see you around. Or going to take a lap. See you. If you say anything with conviction and a smile, it works. All right, folks. I think that's enough blabbing about social confidence. I think you are now prepped. You're probably watching this because you're gonna get ready to go to a party or something or you just like want to learn how to talk to people. Once you overcome the fear of talking to people, the world just opens up to you. It's incredible because people are so interesting. Everyone has something that they can teach you. There is something that you can learn from everyone, but it's like your job to kind of like dig it out. like pretend you're an archaeologist
just kind of brushing off bones and you know collecting information. Choosing solitude over and over is just making us more lonely and upset. Like there is this article by Derek Thompson uh it's called the antisocial century which is so illuminating. There's a line that I really like from that article where it says, you know, talking to strangers won't like radically change your life like at the drop of a hat, but it can it has the potential to make that 15 minutes a little bit more enjoyable. And in the end, life is just a string of 15 minutes after 15 minutes. So, if you can make them more just vivid and more interesting, then it leads to a more vivid and interesting life. Go to that party. Go talk to some
people. Stretch out and be that social butterfly that you've always wanted to be. Or if you don't want to be a butterfly, just get out of the cocoon. You know, it's freaking tight and confining in there. Get out of there. I will talk to you guys later. Thank you so much for watching. If you guys are interested in therapy, you can get 10% off your first month with my link betterhelp.com/jen. Um, honestly, I cannot rave about therapy enough. It really helps you warm up your vocal cords, uh, expand your mind, and learn more about yourself so you have something to give more in conversations aside from just like a stoic. Anyway, thanks for watching, and
I'll see you guys in the next one. Bye.
