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Resident Evil. Where are you? Gun Survivor. Zero. File DS. The Umbrella Chronicles. 3D. Back in the heyday when we used to eat hay every meal, Resident Evil was nice. This used to be a franchise about love and hugs, a franchise about caring and respect and being nice to other people. But then evil and dumb gamers started to infect the series with their idiotic G virus and the S virus, which is what makes them so stupid. Hey, it's up to us to take out Umbrella. They wanted armies and mutants and rocket launchers, which is not what Resident Evil was ever about, even though there was a rocket launcher in the very first one.
But it's not about guns, it's about love. See what I'm talking about? They know I'm being right when I'm talking about that kind of stuff. Yeah, Resident Evil was always super sick and demented every time, actually, but they're made with love. Maybe that's what I was thinking of. Yes, sir. My name is E. Just like in Resident Evil Dreamcast, we step into the shoes of Whisker's daughter, Veronica, who is trying to crack open the Grace. Her name is Veronica. She's Her name is Veronica and she's trying to crack the code.
Grace Ashford. Yes? Maybe I got bad info. Your mission is to pick up these files without knocking any over. Uh, coming. File 2. When you think of the true survival horror experience, the game you think of is Watch Dogs 1 because in that game every minute you play, you want to not survive anymore in reality. This is why Resident Evil returns us to the Chicago setting of Watch Dogs. Except this time with the graphics that Watch Dogs was supposed to have. As I slowly peruse this beautiful urban environment, I was rudely bumped into by an awkward gentleman who appeared to be doing some kind of Watch Dogs one style stealth mission or something. Sadly, I had no idea who this character was because I
never beat the Dreamcast one. But I do know about Nico my cousin Bellic from GTA 4 by have having played Grand Theft Auto 4 for Xbox 360. This is awesome. Really? Yeah. It was early, but I was ready. Ready to eat my way through the city. Young chefs, big ideas. They invited me in to see where the magic happens. So this is where the I got to be honest. This is seeming more like a four star experience overall. With a lot of these higher end places, they'll charge you an arm and a leg and then make you pay an additional surcharge for punching a hole in the kitchen door. This place charges
nothing. They bite your arm, eat your leg, and everything looks like seven with Morgan Freeman in it. [panting] Who's there? Morgan Freeman. John Doe holds the upper hand. We got to get John [snorts] Doe out of here. The Renwood Hotel has been welcoming guests from all walks of life since opening its doors in 1928. Experience the warm embrace of nearly a century's worth of history. Oh, come on now, guys. Who knocked the raccoon over? Oh, that's You know that's it. Now I'm just going to start shooting people.
Complimentary wire cutters. Complimentary deer. Once you cut through to the guest hall, you'll notice that the wallpaper in these areas is of much lower quality than in the lobby area. Feeling overwhelmed? Don't worry. We left the door to your room wide open so that Victor Frankenstein monster could go in there and put 100 pictures of you on the bed. Does baseball interest you? We put it on your radio so you can go to sleep now. That was baseball. Feeling lost? Can I see impending sense of doom? Enjoy complimentary lightning. For only $200. At the Renwood, we say, "Don't order the breakfast. Be the
breakfast." Remember in Resident Evil Village you had to find a fish man? Requiem takes this to the next level by having you battle Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell who was a scientific genius and his plan is to walk straight on to the busiest sidewalk ever and just start blasting every person he sees. Then Leon comes in and he's like, "Oh yeah, Splinter Cell, two can play that game." I'm the good guy. Oh my goodness. Oh. Leon, have you located Victor? Oh, I was supposed to be doing that? This game is so good, man. They got so many little tricks and mechanics up their sleeves and they're just doling them out on so
fast with such precision that it feels wrong of me to draw attention to the lamps. Oh, look at that. That's cool. Oh. Oh, that's pretty nice. It's a nice looking lamp. How do you get it so fancy looking? Look at that. I like the glass. Oh, wow. It's a good look. Resident Evil's classiest scares happen during those quiet moments of exploration where you're super absorbed in the atmosphere, the lighting, the subtle audio cues. Putting you in a tense, spooky setting like this just stimulates your imagination so well. I kept thinking this horse was going to come alive. Did anybody else think this horse was going to start chasing you
around? If you haven't played this yet, my greatest advice to you is preserve that quietness, okay? As long as I'm under here, I'm invincible from your attacks. You foolish creature. Uh-oh. Everybody knows chainsaw guy from Resident Evil 4. He's a great enemy. Nobody would disagree with that. But what if he had no idea how to hold a chainsaw? Wouldn't that make the game way more chaotic and way funnier this way? That's why they did it like this. Look at how stupid this guy is. He gets the chainsaw and then what does he do? He goes over there.
Even the skeleton is starting to get nervous hanging around here. Yeah. Now I get the chainsaw. Stupid chainsaw. Beetlejuice? Resident Evil 9 gracefully touches on every type of gameplay we've ever seen in the series, including even the controversial cooking mini-games. This moronic [__] [groaning and screaming] I was talking about the other chef, the other chef. 21 black, let it ride. No, hold up. Wait up. Wait. up. You might win. Now, don't get mad. Seven red.
No, it went on red, not black. I love how much personality each zombie brings to the table. Ralph is always swinging a rib here at you. The doctor zombie gets a big saw, but he's also very athletic. And then you have a character like Chunk who can actually walk right over to other zombies. This zombie can only turn light switches on and off. He can't actually attack. He just loves light switches. Stupid zombie. Stupid game. At first, the chef zombie didn't really like me, but as you progress through the game, you find more and more of his spaghetti sauce around the hospital and it becomes kind of like
a distant ally. Some zombies ask me for suggestions about what video game they should play next. You know, maybe check out the new marathon game. You might like it. [groaning] How about OverWatch? This Resident Evil has given you the best of both games in the series. You get the fancy spook house run around the room finding cranks gameplay of the scary ones and the funny blow up everybody with sniper rifles gameplay of the shooting ones. They just remade four. They could have easily ripped a homework off for Leon's campaign, but no, his sections feel fresh. They did him so many little surprises in there like the SWAT team zombie.
You can shoot a zombie's legs off. So many little fun tricks in there and that's why I say, "Hey, it's up to us to play this game instead of stupid marathon."
