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When was the last time you allowed yourself joy without feeling like you had to earn it first? You're listening to Relish, the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence, and meaning, you're in the right place. Hello and welcome to our second episode of The Relish Podcast. I'm your host Alysia Shake and today we are redefining joy so that you can finally step off that hamster wheel of fixing. In upcoming episodes we are going to explore some specific strategies. But today is about understanding what joy really means and how it's not a reward.
It's actually the whole point. Before we dive in, do me a quick favor. Tap follow or subscribe wherever you're listening. That tiny click helps the show reach more hearts and you know it tells the algorithms that joy matters. So why are we here talking about joy? In the intro episode, I talked about my awakening where I've realized in my own personal growth journey that at times I have gotten lost on what I called this hamster wheel of healing. And you might know it, you know, the endless books, retreats, workshops, always feeling like whatever it is you want, that joy is around the corner as opposed to here now. You know, I have to heal more before I can feel the joy or before I
can feel like I'm enough. And what I've realized is I'm not interested anymore in healing for the sake of healing or fixing for the sake of fixing. My passion is mindfulness, being more fully present so that I can savor this life right now. That's why the podcast is called Relish. It's about learning to slow down and actually experience life, not just, you know, get through it. So, I want us all to savor our days, to truly relish moments, not just keep chasing the next achievement or the next self-help tool. You know, joy isn't waiting for us at the end of a finish line of fixing ourselves. It's here in this exact moment. And that's the shift we're going to make together today. Now,
on my own journey and in helping others transform their lives, I have seen that we are uh almost conditioned to believe that joy and play are luxuries. It's like they're rewards that we have to earn after everything else is finished. And we're going to challenge that today. I had no idea how shut down I was around the concept of play until I went through the Hoffman process years ago. I think I was 27. And there's one day in the 7-day process that's intentionally playful. You know, I don't want to say too much. I don't want to spoil it for you in case you go one day, but you know, there's music and silliness and uh I remember thinking, everyone else here is having a grand old time. And I was
basically frozen in the corner, dissociating, wanting to leave. And when I reflect back, you know, it made sense. I grew up in an immigrant household. And in our home, academics came first. Play, you know, only after the grades, after the chores. And even then, there was this encouragement for everything I did to be productive. While I know this is especially common in brown immigrant households in America, many people, regardless of background, never fully got to be kids. And I like to think that things are shifting now with new parents. But especially if you're like me, a millennial raised by boomers, joy felt scarce, almost indulgent. And breaking that cycle is challenging, but
it's worth it. So that Hoffman moment for me was a mirror. My body, my nervous system believed joy had to be earned. Since then, I have chosen a different belief. Joy is actually my natural state. It's part of why I left safe work to build this brand. You know, if work itself can feel like play, then why wait? But here's the thing. Can work really feel like play? I wanted to know more. So, naturally, I went down this research rabbit hole. You're going to learn this about me soon enough. I love getting lost in my special interests. And I have a feeling that you are probably a bit of a nerd and we are going to get along great in that regard. So, let's zoom out a bit and talk about
research on play. Here are some of the benefits. Play supercharges health. So, Dr. Stuart Brown's National Institute for Play shows adult play actually lowers cortisol. It releases endorphins and it even protects cognitive function with age. It also boosts productivity. So there was a 2024 Texas A&M review that found regular playful breaks improve creativity and improve measurable output at work, not the other way around. Play also equals presence. So neuroscientists call this deep engagement a flow state. You might have heard of it. Uh it's an intrinsically rewarding absorption where control feels effortless. You know, presence, flow, joy, they're they're different doors to
the same room. They are your natural state. Uh as a heads up, I will always link the research I mentioned in the show notes. Now, a key component of play in the research is what's called intrinsic motivation. And that means that you are driven to engage in an activity simply for the enjoyment of the activity itself. Okay? There's not external rewards or pressures. So play by definition is about being present fully engaged without an agenda for the sake of the moment. I did not like this when I first realized that in the research. Um so an example I love painting pottery. I am not a professional but you know like color me mine or whatever and now wow conditioning is strong I can hear my dad's voice whispering you know great
you can you know paint that and give it to someone as a birthday gift two birds with one stone you know that agenda uh is always there and having that even lightly in the background pressures me to try to make it perfect that's not to say that there's anything wrong with you know painting pottery for fun and giving it to someone but now I do try to hold it a little bit more lightly My intention first and foremost when I go is to have fun and explore. You know, maybe I don't want to paint a normal mug or bowl. Maybe uh I pick the weird fish sculpture and use colors that I, you know, typically avoid. I just play around and see. And when I catch myself in a moment of perfectionism,
which, you know, I'm I'm relieved to say happens less and less these days, but when I do see it, I breathe. I drop the outcome and I let go. I play, you know, intrinsic motivation restored. Now, let's say I'm happy with the outcome and I want to give it to someone. Great. But I don't let the agenda lead because that can inhibit the joy. I think part of why my spirit is so drawn to mindfulness is that it is just this huge support for me in coming back to the present moment beginning again and again. Okay. So I want to do a quick check-in here. Think of a time when you allowed yourself pure play.
No grades, no performance, no agenda. First of all, can you think of something And if so, how did it feel? Just let that simmer as we continue. So, I want us to define or perhaps redefine joy a little bit. Psychology distinguishes hydonic happiness from what's called udemonic happiness. So, hyonia focuses on experiencing pleasure. Uh, it's about experiencing pleasure but also avoiding pain. It's short-term gratification. and its comfort. Um, and that could be something like enjoying a delicious meal or ice cream or relaxing on the beach, getting a massage, getting on a roller coaster. Hadonic experiences are fun, but they are fleeting. Now, udemonia is it's a little harder to define. It
traces back to philosophers like Aristotle and Epictitus. And it is a state of what's often called or often translated to as flourishing. Uh and that's living a life of purpose or meaning aligning your values and your potential. It's a longer term fulfillment often coming from uh personal growth and contributing to something that's larger than yourself. So for instance, when I am coaching or facilitating retreats, when I'm having a meaningful conversation with someone or even recording this podcast right now, I feel deeply purposeful and I feel that I'm fully myself, completely alive in this moment. I'm inspired. This is a form of udemonic joy. Now, I am not here to suggest we avoid hydonic pleasures.
And from a mindfulness perspective, um, you know, I'd say maybe we want to be aware of our attachment to them. But research actually does show benefits. A 2024 study of 300 something adults showed h hadonic pursuits actually buffered stress and improved mental health. I also think hyonic pleasures are something sacred that you get to experience as a human. And we will talk more about my approach to this and some of the neuroscience about it next week. But I think the two are complimentary actually. Hydonic pleasure can enhance a sense of well-being through bursts of happiness. Um and meaningful activities also bring about positive emotions. It can be kind of like a positive feedback loop. However, when I talk about
relishing your life on this podcast, I'm more so speaking about cultivating udemonic joy, a lasting sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction. I see that this is often the missing piece with people that I'm working with who want to transform their lives. If we go back to the philosophers Aristotle and Epictitus, um they had slightly different approaches to udeimmonia. But what's important for this podcast is understanding it's a type of joy that's primarily tapped into by cultivating our internal state, tapping into meaning.
It's a natural state, but it's not necessarily a passive one. We cultivate it. Okay. And it's also cool to know that studies have demonstrated udeimmonia is healthpromoting. Research shows um this kind of purpose is linked to better stress hormone balance um healthier hearts, improved sleep, reduced inflammation, higher HDL cholesterol, the good one, um and even better blood sugar control. It also protects us mentally. So people with higher udemonic well-being report fewer depressive symptoms and anxiety and those without it are actually twice as likely to be depressed a decade later. Now you obviously don't need to remember any of this, okay? But the takeaway is that joy isn't frivolous. It's an important part of being human and mindfulness isn't, you know, stern
stillness. It's it's the felt aliveness of this exact moment. Joy, presence, flow, mindfulness, they are your natural birthrights. So, as you approach your own personal work, uh in the intro episode, I acknowledged this trend that I see in the self-help world of focusing on fixing and how uh that kind of becomes 80% joy gets like 20% of the attention. One thing you can start doing to cultivate udemonic joy is notice what you love about your personal growth work. What practices do you love? What do you get to experience because of it? This is going to help you tap into the intrinsic motivation. You know, growing for the sake of the good feelings you get while doing it. And that means not focusing on getting away from, you know, the shame or being
bad, but focusing on what it feels like to be more aligned and true and authentic. Focusing more on that feeling. Abundance versus scarcity. And notice how empowering it can feel to shift from fixing what's wrong to embracing what's right. That's real freedom. I also encourage you to reflect explicitly on your own relationship with joy. So you know later grab a journal and contemplate. One thing is as a kid what kind of activities did you get lost in? What made time disappear? And then second reflect on now when do you find yourself randomly smiling or you know like you want to sing or hum. reflect and notice these. I call them breadcrumbs. So, when you journal, circle and uh, you know, note the themes that repeat. These are clues to your
authenticity. They're not random. They're pieces of your authentic self calling to you. And so, when I assign this kind of journal work to coaching clients, I often give freewriting prompts. Basically, set a timer for 5 to 10 minutes, choose a prompt, and just put pen to paper. No stopping. and just see what comes. Let joy speak. And I have included a prompt sheet with additional prompts in the show notes if that's helpful. So, comment here, you know, on Instagram, socials, tag me, DM me at Alysia Shake and tell me, I want to hear what's an activity from childhood or now that lights you up. I want to hear I want to get to know you and hear your stories. I want to share your stories with others. I am so
excited to engage with you and cultivate this community. Joy and play, they're not dessert, okay? They are the main course. On this podcast, we are going to explore how to cultivate joy and we'll also look at what tends to get in the way, what pulls us back toward that fixing. But remember, I named the podcast Relish for a reason. I am committed to walking this path alongside you. And this is a lesson I am currently learning. So if you notice me in the coming months, okay, you if I start to drift away into seriousness and away from joy, call me out, you know, I mean, gently remind me, Alysia, we need more relish, okay? I am so honored you're here, especially at this starting point.
How sacred. If you found value in this, please share this episode with someone you cherish playing with. Maybe sending this episode is like a gentle nudge to reconnect and experience joy together. Don't forget to subscribe, leave a rating or review. Your support is helping our community grow and spread this joyful message even further, especially now at the early stage. Your engagement really does mean so much. And get ready in our next episode, which will be on, yes, Wednesday, we will dive into the sneaky reactive patterns that block our joy. Plus, I've got a bonus dessert practice that I hope you will love. I don't think I said this in the first episode. We are recording all
these podcasts on video as well and posting them on YouTube. So, if you want to check them out visually and actually watch them instead of listen to them, know that they are there. Okay. So, play on, relish life, and remember, joy isn't something you earn, it's your birthright. See you Wednesday.
