30:04
Do you ever wish you felt more confident, more capable, and certain, and ready to go after what you want? I find most people are not actually craving confidence. They're craving trust. Let's talk about it. Because understanding this one distinction can change everything. You're listening to Relish, the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence, and meaning, you're in the right place. Hey friends, it's Alysia. Welcome back to Relish. My intention with this show is for you to savor your life. You know that you feel more alive in more moments. And confidence is one of the things that we are taught will give us
that. But the more that I've worked with people and with myself, the more I've lived my own life, the more I've realized that confidence is often not what people think it is. So today, we're going to unpack it. We're going to talk about trust and confidence and why the way that most people pursue confidence can keep them stuck. But before we dive in, if you've been enjoying the show, I'm going to ask kindly for you to follow, download, please download and follow, especially since it's the holidays, so that you get all those shows saved. But that's also one of the ways that we can let the algorithms know that you care about the show. So, please do that and leave a five-star rating on
Apple Podcast and Spotify, a little review. That is the best way you can help the podcast grow and reach more people. and I have been feeling so connected to you reading your reviews and getting to know this community. So, thank you. Okay, let's get into it. Let's start with some definitions. I love words. Now, the definition from my computer dictionary. Um, let's listen to these two back to back. Confidence is the feeling or belief that you can rely on someone or something. Trust is the firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability or strength of someone or something. Okay, one more time. Confidence the feeling or belief that you can rely on someone or something. Trust is the firm belief and the reliability, truth,
ability or strength of someone or something. Okay. So, confidence is literally a form of trust and trust it's a belief in what's true. So, they're the same root word in the word trust and true. And that root means steadfastness. But we're going to break down trust for a minute because a lot of times people talk about trust like it's something to be earned. You know, people have to earn my trust and I disagree. I believe trust is something that you give. Now I can be discerning about who I give it to, you know, who has quote unquote earned it, but ultimately I still have to give it and giving trust is always a risk because you don't actually know what might happen. So for instance, if I trust someone with some vulnerable
information about myself, I share a secret or something, I can be thoughtful about who that is. maybe, you know, a friend of many years that I feel has earned my trust. I might give them that more than someone I just met. But it's ultimately still my choice to give it. And that's risky because there's a chance they could break that trust. That's why I want to be discerning about who it is, the relationship that we've built. But trust is a relationship with the unknown. Now this matters because confidence is really just trust being applied. It's trust directed outward and it can also be inward. And this is where everything starts to make sense. And now I see there are two types of confidence
that I want to distinguish between. So most people chase what I'm going to call performative confidence. And this is a trust that's placed outside themselves. So it sounds like um I will feel confident once I lose the weight, once I hit that milestone, once I uh look the part or achieve this thing, I have that certification, then I'll finally be confident. And that version of confidence is external and image-based and achievement dependent, which makes it fragile, you know, because it collapses when the external thing changes. is if I gain the weight back, if I don't have the achievement or the thing that gave me the confidence, then it's gone. So, pretending to be confident, it can actually create shame
or that feeling of being an impostor. You know, what's wrong with me? Why don't I feel this way inside? Am I a fraud? This kind of confidence is a mask. It's a strategy. It's that dotobe model that I talked about in a previous episode. Ultimately, it's a sense if I do these things, then maybe I'll be confident. Now, in many ways, that kind of confidence is trying to control the future. It's trying to hack an unknown. It's like, if I perform well enough, maybe nothing bad will happen. If I have the certification, then I'll know I can handle whatever it is. If I'm pretty, I'll know I'll be desired and not rejected. But performative confidence is
not trust. It's fear in a costume. It's a mask. Now, when we admire someone, we say, "Oh, look. She's so confident. He's so magnetic. Uh they're so sure of themselves." What we're actually responding to is their self-rust. Our nervous systems can feel it. Someone who trusts themselves, they feel grounded and steady. They feel aligned, honest, consistent. There's a safety there. We don't trust them because they look confident. We trust them because they seem like someone who trusts themselves and we feel it. We sense it. That's the difference. So, here's a key distinction. Performative confidence is trust placed outside of yourself.
Authentic confidence, as I'm naming it, is a trust that you place within yourself. Now, that performance-based confidence says, "I will be okay once I can do this." It's about the do. Self-rust says, "I will be okay because I'm not going to abandon myself and I'm not going to abandon what's true for me." Confidence depends on your ability to do something. Self-rust depends on your alignment with yourself. Confidence is rooted in the known, the familiar, the predictable. You know, I want to be confident that this new pursuit is going to work so that I don't
have to worry about the unknown possibility. I want to know that it's going to be okay. That's confidence. Selfrust is rooted in the unknown because it lets you move through the unknown without losing yourself. It's like I don't know what's going to happen but I trust myself to navigate it. Now an important truth to mention here in case this hasn't come through. You can perform confidence without feeling it. Right? You can perform confidence. You can put on the mask but you cannot feel authentic confidence without self-rust. Authentic confidence is not something that you build. It's something that emerges when your being leads your doing.
Authentic confidence is actually a byproduct of self-rust. If you trust yourself, the confidence is going to flow naturally. So, let's go back to the dictionary definition of confidence. A feeling or belief that you can rely on someone or something. If I'm standing on a concrete sidewalk, I feel confident. It will hold me. It's stable. It's known. That's trust in that thing outside of me. It's trust that's built on evidence from the past. But if I'm walking across a wobbly uh wooden bridge in the jungle, I don't feel confident in the bridge. And I probably wouldn't be wise to just trust that bridge either. But I can trust myself to move slowly, to listen to my intuition, to notice
what's true, to navigate that unknown. That's the difference. Performative confidence tries to eliminate the risk of the unknown and self-rust allows you to stand in the risk without abandoning yourself. So a quick personal example when I pivoted from mind over munch my last content project into this project relish I did not feel confident. There was no evidence that this was going to work. There was no guarantees or blueprint, no security that, you know, people would care uh or that I'd be able to make a living from it. I didn't know anything about podcasting. I still kind of don't. My brain didn't have any past data points to reference. So, I didn't have confidence that it would work, but
I trusted myself. I trusted and am still trusting my intuition, my draw to it, my passion, my alignment. And from that place, I could take the leap. And it wasn't without fear. It wasn't without fear that it wouldn't work because I wasn't confident, but it was without abandoning myself. And I'm still in that unknown. I don't know the future of this podcast or how I'm going to monetize it or what's going to happen. But I still continue to trust myself and take steps that are in alignment with my truth. And through that, I'm actually gaining confidence that it is going to be okay. But it's not because I know how. It's because I'm giving my trust.
And this is all intellectual. You know, this is talking about it. Trust is a knowing. It's a feeling in your body, not a knowing in your mind. So, bring to mind something you want to feel more confident about, something that you want to know it'll be okay. Maybe there's a risk you want to take or a request you want to make of someone. And first ask yourself if I were performing confidence what would I do? This is the mask. This is the proving the external. But if I were trusting myself, ask yourself if I were trusting myself, how would I feel as I move through this? This is alignment. This is being. This is authenticity. So sit with that. When you trust yourself, you are already confident in
the way that actually matters. You just might not know the details of how it's all going to unfold, but you can trust yourself to navigate it. So, there's a lot less fear, I find. All right, so that's your quick bite today. Um, thoughts on my mind. If this episode resonated, please share it with someone who needs the reminder. And please don't forget to follow and download and leave that five-star rating and review on Apple Podcast and Spotify. We are so close to my goal of 100 reviews at least on Apple podcast. So, thank you for helping us get there. And if you want to go deeper into selfrust, I have a course called Unshakable. I've also got a self-rust session, a one-on-one live
session I offer. They're both discounted for Black Friday, Cyber Monday, whatever. Um, details for that are in the show notes. But go on and relish your life. Go step into the truest form of confidence, the kind that flows from trusting yourself. And I'll see you next time.
