8:03
hey it has definitely been a hot minute since we have caught up I have tried to film this video for months but I just like wasn't in the right emotional state to share anything about my life uh because there's been a lot of change uh I think the big and obvious one is that Ben and I broke up it feels really weird to say that out loud after being online for I don't know how many years like 13 years I have some pretty bright lines of what I like to share about my life and what I don't and usually my rule of thumb is I don't talk about anything online unless I have 100% have healed from it but this situation is different because I am like still like actively going through it and I
feel like I will for some time I got to say I'm in like a much better place now but it's still like it still makes me really emotional talking about it the decision to break up was a loving one like I was with Ben for it would have been 10 years this year and there's like still so much love for him there always will be he's like he's family he's the father of our son if shared like so many pivotal life moments together you know and I think instead of just like wallowing in the fact that it's over I'm choosing to like celebrate that we got to experience it this spr is unlike any other one I've ever been through because even though we are separated I still see him every day because we show up for our
son and we're on the same team and we're always going to have each other's backs like there's no sides to choose because we're one unified Force together I'm really proud of us because we have established a really good rhythm with co-parenting we have a schedule but honestly in the end our relationship is will always be the trunk of our family and our priority will always be our son and so maintaining a level of love and mutual respect is just like it will always be up there this chapter in my life has been disorienting I feel like that's like the best word to describe it I have like two dominant moods when I'm feeling good I literally feel like I'm floating to new territories new
Waters it's exhilarating because it Everything feels so novel but then on the flip side when I'm feeling down it feels like I am just free falling out of a plane with no parachute on my back and I think the thing that really anchors me is my son like he really grounds me one of my favorite things that we do together is blow blowing bubbles after dinner time we have made it a daily ritual this is an activity that I know that we can just get lost in blowing bubbles is actually quite meditative like when I am blowing the bubbles I am there I am in the flow with him and I feel like the bubbles are symbolic with the emotions that I'm feeling even my thoughts because I never know what thoughts will bubble and float into my
mind each one is always a different shape a different mood and no matter how large or small or intricate the bubble in the end they always pop they disappear so Lennon is almost 3 years old and when I look at him I feel so much like so much emotions I sob a lot and they're happy tears they're sad tears and I think you know to any average person he might just look like a curious Lively toddler but when I see him he en capsules all these different time frames I can't change anything that happened in the past and I'm kind of helpless with what's going to happen in the future what or what's not going to happen but like what I can do in that present moment is given my full undivided attention and just Relish
in it I am still trying to find a good balance of sharing that I'm a mom but also protecting my son's privacy it's like a thin line you know like he is a central part of my life but I don't feel comfortable sharing too much of his stuff like I'm trying to like reduce his digital footprint then I just end up not sharing him at all for a period of time and then I start getting these like comments that I am a bad mother or like where's your kid Jen hates being a mom which could not be further from the truth it's like kind of crazy that I actually even have to address this anyone in my life knows how much I participate and show up in my son's life and oh my gosh like I actually feel myself getting a little defensive what
the heck Jen no I honestly think it's because you know being online for so long you're used to getting a barrage of like negative comments but like once you get a negative comment enough you just become numb to it but this like being under Fire for being a bad parent is just new for me so I think I'm just getting used to it but uh but yeah I just wanted to make it clear that I love being his mom I love being a mom it's an extremely important role and job like it is my number one job like I want to make sure that I'm trying my best and that's that's all I can do like if anything I'm just trying to navigate what I choose to share about my son's life and like what to keep private when I was in my 20s I
had no issue with recording all parts of my life anything was fair game but I'm realizing maybe it was because life was a lot more simpler back then I was just hanging out getting doled up to go to an event or whatever uh but you know as you get older life becomes a little bit more complex and layered and some things are just impossible to package in a simple cheery positive way and sometimes it's just best to keep things offline even the euphoric moments that way you can just like actually really enjoy it I am single now which is kind of crazy I think the simplest way to put it is I'm adjusting to this because when you're in a long-term relationship it's so easy to slip into the grooves of monogamy like a lot of your choice is
dependent on you know your partner not because it's like a control issue but it's just you know you're just like you like automatically know who you're plus one like who you're taking to the party what your weekend plans are because if you have a kid those weekends are definitely you got to like pack in some date night because you just need some time as a couple it just feels like weird and empty at times but I'm like trying to like romanticize it I'm in this fresh territory where the decisions that I make are ones that only require my own input and now when I have my alone time I'm really alone like alone bolded I am just searching for a new version of me and I'm like slowly
discovering this on my healing journey I am hanging out so much with my family and my friends I'm just like leaning theck out of my support system in April I went to Korea uh with my mom we did like our annual trip this time was a little bit different because I went to Soul on my own for a couple of days and I just met up with friends to connect and decompress I stayed with Joan for a few days which was so fun it was like fun playing roommates and then afterwards I stayed at a hotel for a few days with my friend Christina then afterwards I went to the countryside to meet up with my mom and my aunt and my uncles and it was just so incredibly healing to be on my uncle's Farm like
that is heaven to me it's just like you have like shitty Wi-Fi but you're just surrounded in nature and just like I just love the Simplicity of the Korean Countryside every time I'm there I feel like a kid I feel like especially when you have your own kid you're always like used to making like executive choices and like doing stuff for the family but when I was in Korea I could just be the baby girl again every day I didn't know what the plan was I just looked to my Emil being like what are we eating what are we doing just tell me the plan and I'm just going to slip into the itinerary it felt really nice to just feel cared for and it was just like my time there is always invaluable I'm also
in the process of redecorating my house this is like a project that I have been delaying for a long time I'm setting up Lennon's new room this time I'm like going balls to the wall with my Decor I'm like treating my house as if I'm on Animal Crossing like I'm like yes to the wallpaper yes to the paint yes to the lime wash yes to the interesting Furnishings like I find that part pretty empowering this year I feel like there's like a part of me that has been awakened that sounds like so like mystical it's been awakened no but it's just it'sing scary but it's also really electrifying to feel alive if that makes sense I feel like I'm meeting so many new people and reconnecting with my old friends and
leaning on them and at first I was kind of like skeptical of like why are people here for me but that you know I think I was bumping into my own like self-loathing side of me and I'm like really starting to understand the concept of to not question the good in your life never ever question the good in your life just accept it and be godamn grateful despite all the change going on I still love life it's not polished there's no manicured conclusion it's always TBD and that's completely okay I hope that watching this made you feel a little less alone or I don't know a little more at ease in case you in that odd head space thinking that everyone has it figured out no that is a boldfaced lie no one knows what the is happening no one knows what
they're doing we're all equally clueless we don't know what's going to happen tomorrow you know is it even guaranteed I don't know so if anything you just got to live your life to the fullest as if it's the last freaking day and if this is my last day then I am really happy that I was able to finally dump this out and share and hopefully connect you guys have definitely been a big anchor in my life too this is like the longest relationship if I think about it this relationship with you guys is my longest relationship I've had and I am so incredibly grateful for each and every one of you whether you have been supporting me since 2010 or if you just clicked on this video being like what
the is going on you know I really am and uh yeah I like honestly it feels really good to be back and uh I will see you guys in the next video bye
