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Yeah. Yes, you. Hey everybody, welcome back. I am here as you can see with Paul McCartney. Um uh Paul, during the commercial break, you were telling me the story I hope you'd share with the audience. And tell me if I got any of this wrong. There was a point at which you and Ringo got into a slap fight with Herman's Hermits. What? Uh Tom, did you hear that? Yeah. Do you know what that is? No. This is not the night for technical difficulties. I'm I tell you what we're going to do is I'm sorry about this. We're going to take another quick commercial break and we're going to find that and fix it, right, Tom?
Okay. Uh I'm sorry. We'll be right back with more Paul McCartney, everybody. I'm so sorry about that. Um I just don't know why tonight is the night that it's happening, but Olivia, if you could just help Paul. I'll be right back as soon as we figure this out, Paul. Thank you. Okay, I'll be right back. Louis. Not my Apple Watch. Now I'll never know if it's time to stand up. What is this? Stephen, maybe I can help explain. Famed astrophysicist and actual friend of mine, Neil deGrasse Tyson. Thank god you're here.
No, no. Thanks, science. I'm here. It's just something you say, man. What is it? Well, it looks to me like a textbook case of an Einstein-Rosen bridge, also known as an interdimensional wormhole. It's gradually swallowing up all matter and antimatter around it. Wow, that sucks. Stephen, it's a huge problem. You see, the fabric of the universe is underpinned by an immutable set of physical laws. Two contradictory realities cannot coexist without rupturing the space-time continuum. Like what? Well, for instance, if a show is number one on late night and it also gets canceled. They canceled Gutfeld? No, no, no. Your show.
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So, your cancellation has created a rift in the comedy variety talk continuum. And if it grows, all of late night television could be destroyed. This is unbelievable. Yeah, it kind of is unbelievable cuz in reality, a wormhole doesn't suck. It's just a portal you step through. And where'd you get green? Have you been watching too much Rick and Morty? Oh, no. It swallowed Neil deGrasse Tyson before he could explain how we were wrong about something. Damn it. This can't be happening. If only I had some sort of wise mentor figure I could talk to.
JON STEWART! OH, JON. JON, do you know of any wise mentor figures I could talk to? No, actually, Stephen, I'm here on behalf of Paramount. They wanted me to read this statement. And they kind of have to do what they say because, you know, I'm not the one who got canceled for stealing printer cartridges. That's not why I was canceled. [snorts] Quote. Paramount strongly believes in covering both sides of any black hole that is swallowing everything we know and love. And the coverage must also include the positive aspects of the insatiable emptiness. You know what? That's fair. It is. I didn't think my show would end like this, but still grateful. Yeah, look Steven, I'm going to be real with you. Um
I need to ask you something. Oh, of course John. Let me just first take a sip of water. Do you think you might be in a little bit of denial? [snorts] No! YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID WET FACE! I'M NOT DENIAL. WHAT DENIAL? STEVEN, don't you see this hole isn't a hole. It's a metaphor. Hey guys, what are you talking about? Okay, it's a literal hole. But the point is the hole's here. You can't ignore it. The only choice you have now is how you choose to walk through it. You can go in kicking and screaming. That one. Or you
can do what you've done for the past 30 years when faced with something dark. You stare it down and you can laugh. I'm sorry John, just can't think of any jokes to say about my giant gaping hole. Really? Nothing? Good. No. Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Uh got to go. I've got to get my 72 hours of beauty sleep before my show on Monday. Thanks, John. Yeah. And John, before you go, I have something I need to say. Just in case this is the last time we ever speak.
All right then, say it. But first, let me just grab a quick sip of water. Of course. John, How am I going to finish my show now? Maybe we can help. Late Show Force 5? Oh, come on. Jimmy, Seth, John, Handsome Jimmy. Thank god you're here when I need you the most. We came to say we're going to miss you. Late night is not going to be the same without you. Yeah, without you, where will Americans turn to see a middle-aged white man make jokes about the news? Why? What's going
on? It's okay. Yeah, don't worry about Why aren't you guys being pulled in, too? You know what? Actually, one of these holes opened at my show last year, but it went away after about 3 days. Is that what's going to happen to me, too? Shh. At some point, this may come for all of our shows, but Stephen, what's important to remember is tonight it is going to be you. Fellas, I'm scared. It's okay. Just do what you do when you're scared. I can't. I didn't bring another pair of pants. Stephen, didn't you stop doing your show after the 2016 election?
No, I didn't. That's right. And did you stop doing your show during COVID? No, I didn't. And did you stop doing your show when no one could tell if that dress was blue and black or white and gold? Yes, sir. Absolutely white and gold. No, you are just objectively wrong. No, I know I'm a You work in the field. I heard Yanni. Guys, guys, I think I get it now. It looks like it's the end, and I wish it wasn't, but that's not for me to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us. So, you can wait your turn, hole. Yeah.
You get out of here, hole. For the next 12 minutes, Colbert is the only one in this theater who's going to suck. Thanks, not handsome Jimmy. Now, if you gentlemen excuse me, I've got a show to get back to. And I'm going to finish it the way I want. Wait, with what? Not more Lord of the Rings bull. Hey. Are you happy? You made Elijah sad. Well, our work here is done. Strike force, tell the Lord. And then you'll put like a cool vanishing effect in post?
Yeah, we'll put in a video effect and you guys will disappear. Go The effect will be above you, so you just get out. Like you will be gone. You will definitely be gone. You will definitely put it in. Okay, Colbert. Let's get back out there. Uh sorry about that. Uh we found out what the problem was. Uh there was a um There was a raccoon uh backstage and it uh it had gnawed through some electrical cables and it's an old building. What are you going to say?
Uh and McCartney is gone. Can we find Paul McCartney? Get him back out here? Okay, in the meantime uh let's do some more jokes. Uh what have we got? Uh oh, I've got one. Uh knock. We are SO SHOCKED. [screaming] WHAT IS HAPPENING? LOUIS, STEPHEN, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? YOU CAN GO TO COMMERCIAL. OH. [screaming] We'll be right back.
