They Stuck and the Science Behind It

I feel like so many people listening right now feel stuck in their job. They feel stuck in a bad relationship. They feel stuck looking for a career. If someone feels stuck, what do they need to understand about the brain in order to start the process to get unstuck? Yeah. So, I think that feeling of being stuck, it's really quite natural when you think about neuroscience and your biology. The brain loves to keep you in what is safe and normal to you. The brain is also, I like to call it a prediction machine. So, we don't necessarily experience reality. We experience, you know, our brain sort of filtering everything we see, hear, feel, touch,

but also predicting what's about to happen. And that's why a lot of times, you know, we feel like anxious or whatever it is, it has to do with the brain's predicting kind of something that's upcoming. Let's say you have a goal and you're like starting a podcast. And you're like, okay, I want to do it. And then you're procrastinating it, right? So, I always say that there are three reasons why people procrastinate. And the first reason is there's an identity sort of mismatch. Your sense of self and who you believe that you are doesn't match with you working toward the goal of launching a podcast. And the default mode network in the brain is really what's at play here. So, the default mode network is really appropriately named because it

kind of helps to regulate and propel our default mode of behavior, right? So, it's responsible for our default mode of being and doing. Um but it's also responsible for our sense of self and constructing the narrative or the story of our lives. And so, if your sense of self doesn't match, if your identity doesn't match whatever it is that you're trying to do, then your default mode network is not really going to be helping you do the behaviors or take the action toward doing starting a podcast. And so, I always tell my clients, I tell my students, I tell everyone on social media, I'm like, just identity shift, you know, like switch shift your identity. You can just start to identify

as a version of you who has done the thing. Are you saying that if you don't I know you've said something which I love. You said science says you have to act like you already have it. Yeah. Before something can happen. Mhm. Is that what you're saying that you've got to feel like I'm already a author, I'm already a podcaster. How does someone practically apply that identity to make sure it's aligned? Right. So, it's really just choosing to identify as that person, right? And so, when I say that you have to act like you already have it or you like you already are it in order to do it or be it. It works the same way. The analogy I use

there is falling asleep at night. Like when you fall asleep at night, you lay down, you close your eyes, you slow your breath, and you pretend like you're asleep until you fall asleep and your brain makes it so. Um and life works that way as well. And you have to act like it and move like it, right? I think a lot of times we don't realize the power that we have to choose those sorts of things. And this is another reason why I tell people to be so careful about the labels that they use to identify themselves and the labels that they put on themselves. And what happens then is that you're writing a new story and your brain kind of stops using your past to predict your

future and it kind of starts to take the present moment and your new identity that you are choosing to help predict your future behavior. Um and so, it's super powerful. I love that. All right, what's the second? That was great. Okay. So, the second reason why most people procrastinate is fear. Um a lot of times we are actually subconsciously afraid of success. And I think this is a big reason why a lot of people stay stuck is that we are actually subconsciously afraid of what it might look like if we succeed at

doing it. This is an another reason why I tell people all the time like a lot a lot of people say get specific about your goals, but I also say get specific about your fears. Because your fears they can have control over you when you don't know what they are. But when you identify them, labeling them, well, that activates the prefrontal cortex. And the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, they sort of have this kind of seesaw relationship where when one activity activity in one goes up, activity in the other goes down. And so, when you label your emotions, you label the fears that you have, you're actually giving yourself your power back. You're activating the prefrontal cortex, which

is the CEO of your brain. It's sort of the boss of your brain. I have the saying called take it all the way to the end. And so, allow yourself to go on the journey or the path all the way to the end. My goal is to have a top podcast in the world, right? So, if I'm having a top podcast in the world, what might that look like? Oh, that means that I'm setting myself up to be seen more and maybe have more hate and maybe have more criticism and judgment and all that. And just seeing myself write that down, I was like, okay, well, if my brain is highlighting that as, oh, if you go and start a podcast, you're going to have more hate and face more criticism, then it might try to keep me

safe from that. really what that is, is your brain is just trying to keep you safe. And so, when you get clear on that, then you can rewrite the story of, exactly like you said, yes, it's true, being more vulnerable and being seen might equal more judgment or criticism, but it might also equal, and to the same extent, if not more, more love and more support. But it's super important to recognize and acknowledge that any sort of growth happens outside of our comfort zones. Like, I would not be in the position where I am today if I didn't take delusional level risks and leaps of faith. Um, and so, it's really a requirement to achieving or receiving or having whatever it is that we want.

Yeah. What's number three? Okay, so, we've got there's an identity mismatch or there is maybe some underlying fear behind it. And then, number three is really more of a scientific kind of simple, straightforward thing, and it's cheap dopamine. Social media, um, it's all over the place and like fast food, binging Netflix, whatever it is. When it comes to cheap dopamine, if you're giving yourself a lot of that, then you're not really And one of the big things that I do to help kind of motivate myself to doing things is withholding reward. And so whenever I was in the PhD, I studied drug addiction. And so a lot of dopamine research and studying kind of the dopamine pathways, but also drug

addiction is really just maladaptive habit formation. And so when I think about kind of cheap dopamine and habit formation and behavior, because dopamine drives a lot of behavior, one of the things that I do to kind of motivate myself is just withhold whatever the reward that I'm wanting. So let's say I saw it online or I was shopping or whatever and I saw a shirt that I wanted, I wouldn't allow myself to buy it or a candle or whatever it is, I wouldn't allow myself to buy it until after I do the task that I'm maybe procrastinating or feeling stuck doing. And so if someone's out there right now and you're procrastinating or feeling stuck starting a business or going after a job or dating in a relationship or whatever it is and you're regularly

giving yourself sort of cheap dopamine or, you know, allowing yourself to just like have whatever reward it is and you just give it to yourself all the time, then you're not really setting yourself up for success because you're giving yourself your brain is just it's well [clears throat] fed on dopamine. And you can think of it sort of as the analogy of like snacking all day, right? So if you're snacking all day, you're never really going to be hungry and to eat that whole meal. And so dopamine's kind of the same way. If you're like giving yourself those cheap dopamine hits, going on social media all day long, then you're never really going to be driven to go complete that big task.

And that big task is going to be a lot more rewarding than the small repetitive cheap dopamine, especially at night. So I want to highlight that because I realized, you know, I was waking up with less motivation, waking up low on energy and just not really feeling like normally. And I have most of the time I really do wake up and I jump out of bed and I'm like ready and so excited for the day. So, I'm like what's what's happening here? Um and what I actually realized was that so dopamine actually resets itself and restores as you sleep. And so, scrolling at night time or binge watching Netflix or any of those things that give you cheap dopamine and even eating

like late night snacks and all that, um that actually up well, one, it disrupts your sleep and that keeps your dopamine system from restoring itself. But, also it desensitizes your dopamine receptors. So, when you wake up in the morning, you're for lack of better like keep it simple, you're less sensitive to dopamine when you wake up in the morning when you give yourself cheap dopamine at night. Um and so, cheap dopamine is number three. It's a big reason why people stay stuck. Yeah, because if you're giving yourself snacks all day, you're never going to be driven to cook a meal. If you're giving yourself cheap dopamine all day long, you're never going to be driven to go do the big task that's going to help you get closer to your dreams.

I think you're spot-on that there are a million distractions today. It's easy to be caught down a wormhole. It's easy to binge a show. And you don't realize that actually building the thing you love or starting that business or investing in that relationship, whatever it is, will be so much more meaningful. What do we do with that? How do we get there? Yeah, so I think two things. The first is get super specific about why you want that thing, right? Because motivation is not always going to be there for you. Um and that's where knowing your why and I kind of have a different take on discipline where I don't really think of like this hardcore sort of discipline sort of moment. I think of discipline as

looking out for future you. Who do you want to be? Like who like when you imagine yourself like achieving the goals or whatever it is, like it's not really about that. It's about who achieving those goals is going to make you become. So, understanding your why and why you want to do it, why do you want to write the book? Um and that will keep you going and motivate you. And then another thing that I talk about a lot in my community and with and in the people that I coach is that take a moment after you do accomplish those things and it can be just as simple as taking a moment to tell yourself, "Hey, I'm proud of you. Good job. You accomplished that." Self-talk boost dopamine. Like self-affirmation boost dopamine. It activates the reward

centers in the brain. Speaking to yourself positively and kindly, it's so important and making sure to take a moment to do that and acknowledge yourself when you are working toward the goals. It's really easy to do that and get caught up in the big picture and not give yourself the pat on the back for the steps that you're taking along the way. And those are the little dopamine boosts that are going to build momentum, that are going to keep you going, um and that are also going to teach your brain that, "Oh, hey, this behavior, this action that we're taking is valuable and meaningful." You've said that desperately wanting something actually blocks you from getting it.

Why does desperately wanting something actually block it? When you are very attached to an outcome and you desperately want something and it's to the point where it is kind of raising your stress levels and you are dependent on it or attached to the outcome. It boosts stress and it boosts cortisol and that actually narrows your perception and kind of which gives you a sort of tunnel vision and actually blocks you from being able to perceive or be aware of alternate pathways. And also whenever we are chronically stressed, I mean that puts us in fight or flight and when the nervous system's dysregulated, I mean it becomes way harder to rewire your brain. And then there's another piece of it which is sort of this incubation effect in the

brain. I'm sure you've noticed that if you're sitting there and you're thinking about a problem or a challenge or you're wanting an answer to something and you're you can't necessarily think of the answer. Um but then as soon as you walk away from it then you go for a walk or you're in the shower or whatever it is, all of a sudden the answer comes and whatever you wanted to say comes. That's the incubation effect and our subconscious mind or like the other kind of areas in the brain can process a lot more information and make a lot more connections than our conscious mind can when we're sort of focusing on something. That doesn't mean that you're not going to be focused on your goals,

but it means that, you know, you work toward it and you worry about what you worry about the inputs and you worry about what you can do, but you sort of let go of the how and the when and you just and it also allows you to enjoy the journey, which is really important. Um it allows and I think that's if not one the most important things when it comes to all of it is enjoying the journey. One thing I always say to people is, you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it. The idea that you're going in the direction, but the path it's going to take is going to be totally different.

Yeah. What's your take on manifestation? I 100,000% believe in manifestation. There's a study done in the 1970s where they took kittens. They're raised mostly in complete darkness except for a few hours a day where they're shown only horizontal black and white lines. And then a different group was shown only vertical black and white lines. They allowed their brains to develop through, you know, their adolescence. And then when they were their brains were more developed, their visual systems were developed, they put them in a normal environment with chairs and tables and all the things. And what they found was that the kittens that were raised to only see horizontal lines, they couldn't see vertical objects. They would bump into

table legs and chair legs because their brains weren't programmed or wired to see them. The brain develops in a way that helps us survive in our environment that we grew up in. And so the kittens that could only see the vertical lines as they were raised, they could see they would weave in and out of table legs and chair legs and all that, but they wouldn't jump up on up onto tabletops or, you know, chairs to perch the way that the kittens that were raised to see horizontal lines would. And so I think that, you know, that study kind of really showed me that if the way that kittens were raised kind of determined what they could then see or perceive in their reality, like what am

I missing in my life because of the way that my brain is wired and the way that I was programmed by my environment. And I think that's where sort of certain activities like shadow work kind of come in, but recognizing that you really can only see in your reality what your brain is wired for. And so that job, that relationship, that thing that you're trying to manifest or create into your life, um you it might be right in front of you, but you're missing it because your brain is not programmed to see it or construct it, right? And so I do think that of course it requires action, but taking aligned action. And when And I think that it's important to recognize that when you have action, but your

brain isn't programmed to see it, then you'll be taking action for a long time. You might achieve it, you might not, but when And when you're of course only doing the brain component or the energetic component of it, the mental component, you might become this great thing, but it then it's going to take action for you to go. And I think that when you have both your brain is programmed for whatever it is that you want and you're taking action toward what you want, then that's when you become completely unstoppable. How do we manifest based on neuroscience? How would neuroscience suggest we do that? Yeah. So I have a three-step process. I love pro- I love them. I love them, too. I know you do. I know you have three-step processes.

I love me some steps and making it simple. Um that goes back to my scientist days. So when it comes to manifesting, it really is the same thing for anything that you want. So the first step is to be is to identify the feelings. Um identify the feelings that you believe the thing that you want is going to bring you. I always say you don't want the thing that you want, you want the feeling that you believe the thing that you want is going to bring you. So for example, if you are wanting a relationship, then you might the feeling you might be after is to be loved and feel safe and supported. Um if you're wanting all a bunch of money, it might be freedom. Uh, it might be security

again, safety and security and freedom. Whatever it is, right? So, those are a few examples, but whatever it is that you want, write down whatever it is that you want, and then write down the feelings that you believe those things that you want are going to bring you. It's super important to identify the feelings. And I get a lot of questions from people like, "What if I don't know what I want?" Uh, if you don't know what you want, um, that's fine. You can still write down the feelings that you want cuz I think a lot of times maybe we don't know. And I think a lot of times also we think we know what we want.

Uh, but we don't really know what we want. Uh, but it really is the feeling that we're after. And so, identify the feelings. That's the first step. Identify the feelings and write them down. Um, and then from there, make two lists. The first list is a list of reasons why you already have to feel that way. And so, for example, for me, I actually held a manifestation workshop in my community, and I was man- my I always use personal examples. So, mine was a million followers on Instagram. And I didn't have it at the time, and I live on that call, I realized, "Oh, what I'm really after is feeling official and

accomplished." Like, I want to feel official and accomplished. That's really what I want. Um, and so then I d- identified these feelings, right? And so then the next step is to write a list of reasons I already have to feel that way. I think a lot of times, again, our brain isn't even letting us acknowledge that we actually can already feel that way in the present. And I was like, "I already have this business. I'm coaching people. I'm changing lives. I have a giant following on social media, even if it's not a million. I have a lot of reasons to feel official and accomplished already." And writing a list of all those reasons down, and I have people in

my community that they print out their resume and put it in their bathroom mirror, like all of the things that they've done, right? To make them feel that way. But, write down a list of the reasons why you already have to feel that way. That's brilliant. I love that. And then the second list is a list of things, right? So, sometimes people will be like, "Well, I don't have any reason to feel that way." Which I to that I would argue which to that I would argue, try harder. But, um, there is another list, and the list is a list of things that you can give yourself that you are in control over to feel that way. So, if I'm trying to feel official and accomplished, what can I do today to make myself feel more

accomplished? Well, for me, I always feel accomplished after I complete a workout. I always feel like I know that I'm writing a book. I can go write a few pages of my book. That will help me feel accomplished. Um, and so, again, what will help me feel official? I mean, the definition What does official mean to me? I guess for me it's just like, oh, I made it, and I guess that for that I could go and maybe read comments of people like saying like, oh, you really helped me, or whatever it is. So, what are some activities that you can do to give yourself that feeling? And I think combining the two is important, right? Because again, acknowledging all the reasons why you already have to feel

that way, but then also becoming more aware of things that you can do in the moment to make yourself feel that way. And when you start doing that, and after like 2 months after doing that practice on myself, I had a million followers on Instagram. And I do believe and know that it shifted my energy, right? Like, I'm creating now from a different space of feeling more official and accomplished. Um, and so, I think that kind of process of identifying the feelings, recognizing all the reasons you already have to feel that way, and then becoming aware of things that you can do to help yourself feel that way even more. When you start doing that, now you have the feelings that you want already, and now you're in a

place where you can also be detached from the outcome. It's not going to stop you. You should still go and work toward the thing that you're wanting, right? But that's how you rewire your brain. And now, when you're going and working toward the journey, when I was going and working toward a million followers, now I'm working toward it with a different energy. I'm working toward it as a match to whatever it is that I want.