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What's your name? Uh, my name is Ted. Uh, I'm 31 and I'm from London. What is your job? My job is to like go into schools and perform science shows where I like set things on fire and blow stuff up. Oh, that's cool. What do you do? Uh, I'm here to combine my uh analytical weird brain with my love of stand-up comedy. Uh, did you bring anyone with you? Yep, I brought my friend Amy with me. Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah, yeah. Well, good luck. Thank you. Woo! Okay. Hello, everybody.
Hello. Uh, I'm here to talk to you about something very important to me. I'm here to talk to you about my special interests. Uh, I'll we'll address the elephant in the room here. Uh, I am a very autistic man. Uh, thank you very much for noticing. Thank you, some of my people. Thank you. I don't love that loud of a noise, but fine. These things are some of the things I love. Uh, graphs is one of them. I really like graphs like a lot of autistic people. And just before we begin, Simon, I am so excited to meet you. Uh, you are actually my third favorite person named Simon Cowell.
Um, give a bit of context. Uh, this is a list of my top three favorite Simon Cowells. If this audition goes well, though, Simon, we could go from THIS TO THIS. AND THAT'S WHAT I CALL A JOKE. Thank you. My second favorite Simon Cowell is this Vietnamese boat that I found. Simon Cowell. Now, that's what I call a boat. It is a boat. Thank you. And my first favorite Simon Cowell is of course this Victorian wagon boy that I found in the 1841 census of Lancashire.
What is a wagon boy? Another of my special interest is the phonetic alphabet. I love the phonetic alphabet. So, like if you're saying your post code over the phone, uh you'd say alpha instead of A or bravo instead of B. Uh one problem I have with the phonetic alphabet though is it's kind of boring. So, I've come up with my own phonetic alphabet. The idea behind mine is it's as difficult as possible for the other person to know which letter of the alphabet you're referring to. A is I. Then BCC, sa, sa,
I, BB, GB, heebie-jeebies, I, GBGBs, keys, leave means leave, means leave. Oden Vague, sa, keys, ARSONIST. [screaming] SA, you up, WHAT, WHAT, WHY, 10. YOU UP AS A command and ZBGBS or as we say in Britain ZB Jed B's. Uh KSI, it is such an honor to meet you. Uh KSI or as I prefer to call YOU KEYS, I. ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE A BIT NICER. MY FAVORITE thing about today has been about there meeting my new best friends.
Uh I leave means leave sa and sa I sa. Have I had A GOOD TIME HERE? I HAVE. I'VE plotted a graph of my rough enjoyment uh of this evening so far. Uh and that compares quite differently to Simon's enjoyment. Who is enjoying it less than me. You'll notice the bit where he enjoyed it was mostly where I was saying his name, which does track. True. Isn't that right, Simon? Yeah, it is true, yeah. He's good. He's very good. He's actually funny. That's everything from me. Thank you very much. My name is Ted Hill.
I love that. That was really good. All right, you're funny. Oh, thank you. You were just on a roll, bro. Oh my gosh, that was so unique. We've never had anything like it on the show. You're super funny. All of it was just brilliant. It has blown my mind. It was completely unexpected. It's so intelligent. That was so good. We loved it. Yeah. I couldn't do this.
Oh my god, yes. Congratulations. Thank you. that. It was so mad. I loved it. It was so good. It was amazing. We loved it. We'll leave you to those guys. Ted Hill. Congratulations. Thank you. We'll be together. Oh, thank you so much. That was amazing. Oh, I felt as if it were real. Congratulations. You're going straight through to the live show.
This is life-changing for me. Hello. Hello Britain. Hello judges. Your honors, I'll remind you a little bit of stuff about me. The basic facts, we're talking height, military rank, girlfriends, at Sorry, those are the wrong way round. Sorry. I was Ant and Dec's golden buzzer. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. BUT DON'T WORRY, I HAVEN'T LET THAT GO TO my head in any way. Oh, sorry. Let me Sorry about that. Let me just close that down. Sorry. Oh my goodness. Sorry. No, let's go up there. Close those down. I'm so sorry. Okay, let me just go back to the PowerPoint. And we'll carry on playing. Fantastic. So, because you guys pressed your golden buzzer at that
time, Simon, I didn't get to hear any actual proper feedback from you. Although you did say this halfway through my audition, He's actually funny. I've watched that a HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES. I'VE ALSO BEEN ABLE TO take some clips that Simon said about other acts and I can just pretend that they're about me. People like you.
He's gorgeous. He's also humble. Thank you. I am. Some of them are a bit of a stretch. It's one of the best dancing dogs I've ever seen. I'll take it. So, because I didn't get any specific feedback from Simon, I don't know if he's actually really going to enjoy my I mean, he's enjoying it now, but it's not about him. The bit's about him, but there are some bits that aren't. Simon, I don't know if you're actually truly going to enjoy all the bits of it. So, my goal is to cater it specifically, cuz what I want, Simon, is I want you to say exactly, I love your PowerPoint comedy. That's my goal, and to achieve this,
I've watched every episode of Britain's Got Talent. I've analyzed what Simon likes. I've crunched the numbers, and I've put Simon's likes on a pie chart. So, to impress Simon, I've got to be I've got to respect I've got to roast him, but respectfully. Okay. I've got to have family-friendly fun. Danger, a bit of a risk, a little gift to sweeten the pie. And then the larger segment, of course, is himself. What a funny joke. High five. Lovely moment we had there. You'll notice that PowerPoint comedy isn't on this traditional list. In fact, um based on my research, it's actually among his dislikes, uh along with not being the center of attention and the
natural aging process. Consider yourself roasted. But I'm doing it respectfully. I'm doing it very respectfully. Sir. So, we've we've roasted Simon in a respectful manner, and now let's have some family-friendly fun. Simon absolutely loves family-friendly fun, and so do I. And that's very important. Very important because of the children. There's children watching this, okay? And children are the future, okay? That's children, yeah. You guys are the future. You're other things, too, but the future is the main thing. Yes, there's lots of ways of describing children. Children, you all of these things could be used to describe you, but we don't want to focus on this because really it's just point one that matters. The only central part really is
the fact that you are the future. So, we'll just focus on that. So, we're going to keep everything very family-friendly, and oh, sorry about that. Oh, sorry. Oh, it's the midway survey. I just want to check in, see exactly how well this is going. So, Simon, I'm just going to do A QUICK SURVEY. THANK YOU, BUT NONE OF YOU matter to me. This is all for Simon. Simon, I'm just going to do this survey on you. Just try and respond as honestly as you can. It's multiple In the past, people have accused my surveys of being very uh not scientifically rigorous, but I disagree. So, it's multiple choice,
just be honest. Question one, how would you describe my performance so far? A, very good. A. Simon thinks it's very good. Amazing, okay. And how funny do you think I am? Please answer on a scale from 9 to 10, where 10 means very funny, as does nine. 10. Wow, we've got 10. We've got a 10. Now, but to truly lock in that good feedback, I've got to do something dangerous. Now, danger acts on Britain's Got Talent will do things like they'll throw swords, or they'll eat fire or something like that. But I'm doing something truly dangerous, because live on ITV, I am revealing my actual full 16-digit credit card number up on the
screen, as well as the three digits on the back, as well as the password to my online banking. THE LAWYERS AT BRITAIN'S Got Talent have advised me that this is not smart. Well, I'll have you know, not smart is my mother's maiden name. So, we've done something dangerous. Now, it's on to gifts. What sort of a gift do you get the man who has everything and loves himself? Well, I've prepared a little gift for you, Simon. I've put my science brain to use, and I've created something. I've created a version of you that you get to have. I've tried my best to make it look as much like you as I possibly can.
It's going to be very difficult for me to part with this, Simon. I've worked very hard on it. We've had some really great times together. But I'm afraid, Simon, you live with Simon now. Are you excited about that? I've always wanted to meet me. Fantastic. So, but before we go, cuz we've had such a good time, have you got any parting words for me, Simon? I loved your PowerPoint comedy. YEAH, WE GOT A 10. YEAH! OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, SIMON. THANK YOU. Oh, no, HIS HAT'S FALLEN OFF.
OKAY. Thank you very much. I'll just I'm just going to give I'll get you I'll just give it to you like this, I SUPPOSE. SORRY. YES, I DO. BRILLIANT. OH. I'M NOT HAPPY. I WANT TO HEAD JUST FOLLOW. OH my goodness. Ted, you are a comedy genius. It's very clever. It's unique. We have never had anything like it on the show. You have just the likeability factor is huge with you. I just love you from the minute you walk on. You could literally say anything. Are you walking off in disgust?
Oh. That's nice. He'll never be lonely. He's always got you. So, yes, you're a comedy genius. I loved it. THANK YOU. TED THERE IS NO ONE LIKE YOU. OH, thank you. Do you want me to PRESS THE BUZZER? I DO. I CERTAINLY DO. YOU DO? GO ON. GO ON, CAROL SHAW. NO. REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU, SIMON. BUT, YEAH, I THOUGHT that it was a pretty good performance for Simon. Um I didn't I'm on the fence. Yeah. I think it's people like you that make this show so unique because where else could YOU SEE THIS?
NOWHERE. I'M NOT 100% SURE I KNOW WHAT THIS ACT IS, but I know I want to see more of it. AND I LOVE YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT? UH THIS WAS actually one of the funniest things we've had on this show. Genuinely, you are so unique. And people of all ages are absolutely going to fall in love with you. You know the only thing that's really annoying is your smug faces right now. So smug. However, Ted, that was brilliant. Seriously, brilliant. Did you love it? THEY LOVED YOU. YEAH, I LOVED IT. YOU WERE AMAZING. I'm so proud of you. Hello judges. Hello jury. In my semi-final, we got Simon to finally admit that he loves my PowerPoint comedy. And I've set up some Google alerts to
find out if everyone agrees. I want to find out what the web is searching about me. So, it's only the most relevant stuff though. Everything to do with my name. Only the that I want to see gets sent straight through into my inbox. Simon, I'm so sorry, Simon. Where are my manners? It's been 15 seconds and we haven't made it about you yet. I'm so sorry. To make sure that Simon's got something to look at, we've put your face in the corner of every slide right there the whole way through. He likes that, doesn't he? Yes. Now, the reason I've called you all here today is I want to tell you my life goal. I want to do the Royal Variety Performance so that I can do PowerPoint comedy for the King. Now, Charles III is no stranger to PowerPoint. In the
context of monarchs, he's seen loads of them. It takes a while. It's a reader. I've wanted to perform for the royals ever since I was a child. But I'm all grown up now. Um but I'm still down with the kids. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, KIDS? YEAH! DOWN WITH THE KIDS! 76! DON'T BOO ME. Your generation is doomed. I'm 32 years old. Fun fact, I'm actually younger than KSI. Really Yeah, I'm 9 months younger than KSI. Which you'd never know based on the way I look and the way he behaves.
You just got roasted, KSI. Now, if you're a baby, you're probably thinking who is the King? Well, don't worry. I've got you covered in my FAQ or facts about the King. It's pretty basic facts. I'll be honest, I actually don't know loads about the King, so I've had to guess some of them, but a lot of these are quite true. They're they're they're sort of they're in the same postcode as true are these facts. Simon, it's very important you don't lose focus. So, just keep your eyes on that at all times if you need to, okay?
We'll keep that there for you, okay? It would be a great honor for me to meet the king. So, I'll make sure that I'm always prepared. In fact, that's my motto in life, always prepare. For example, tonight I've planned out exactly where all the laughs are going to be uh in this performance and I've plotted them a graph right here. So, we're currently in this dip right here, but we're going because I've got microphones all around the theater and they're hooked up to an algorithm in my computer which measures the volume levels of the audience to estimate if we're getting as many laughs as planned and it plots it live on the graph. So, let's see.
Okay, we're down. All right. Uh that's okay. We'll improve on this with jokes. WHEN I SAY JOKES, YOU SAY JOKES. JOKES? WHEN I SAY HI, YOU SAY HA. HA? YEAH, all right. We did it. We got there. That was stressful. I'm running around like a headless Simon up here. It didn't Ant and Dec, it didn't feel fair that I made this of Simon when you guys have been my biggest supporters all along. So, I've made I've made robots for you guys as well. I had to estimate the height. I wasn't sure how tall you guys were. I may have got it slightly wrong.
I'd like you to meet Ant and Dec. Meet tiny Ant and Dec. Uh now that there's four of you, think about how many shows you could present uh on different combos as well. So, you could do like Ant and Dec. You could do Ant and tiny Dec. You could do tiny Ant and Dec. The possibilities are ended, but still the three IS A LOT. TED, YOU'VE gone on a tangent. Get back to the king. Okay, so if I get to do the Royal Variety, I'd get to meet the king. I know you've met the king, Simon, and you had a lovely time when you met him. In fact, I'm pretty sure that you've all met the king. Well, most of you have met
the king. KSI, I'll have him for you at some point, I'm sure. And you all LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB AT MAKING SMALL TALK with the king. I often struggle in those sorts of like one-on-one conversation situations, but like my motto says, I always prepare. So, I've got this keypad here with loads of pre-recorded phrases that I can use when I'm talking to the king. So, instead of actually saying anything, I can just go like, "Hello. I like your crown." And that way, I'll smash it when I'm talking to the king. We'll have a little practice on judges, if that's all right. I will start with you, Simon. What one can we go with for you? Oh, yeah. Tell me your network. Oh, sorry. I just I shouldn't have said that. We'll move
on. We'll do We'll try a safe one. Uh, KSI, how are you? I'm very good. That doesn't really interest me. I got him again. So, yeah. I know that I'll do a very good job when it comes to making small talk with the king, but will he like my PowerPoint comedy? Honestly, I'm I've always felt like I needed to change if I wanted to be a successful comedian. Like, I've never really fit in groups. I've always felt like I'm the odd one out. When I came on this show, I was worried that I was too weird for TV, too weird
for the king, even too weird for our very own king of showbiz. It's true. Now, uh the king sadly isn't here today. I did invite him, but he didn't reply to any of my texts. Alas, no sign of Charles, but as my motto continues on to say, always prepare for the scenario in which you invite the king to the final of BGT and he doesn't show up despite the fact that you went to all the effort of obtaining his personal phone number. That's always been my motto, and I'm thrilled that it's finally true. Who knows if the king will like my PowerPoint comedy? Maybe Charles is as
weird as the rest of us. I certainly hope so. I've been Ted Hill, and my real motto is stay weird. It makes life more interesting. Come on. Well done there. I love him so much. Where are you now? I mean, I used to love you so much. Okay, so let's start with you. Um Ted, you are one of a kind, man. thank you. I really enjoyed that. I really like the idea of you doing a PowerPoint presentation in front of the king.
Will I be allowed to roast him? I don't know. I honestly think that would be one of the most viral things on this planet. So, for me, I just I loved everything about that. Thank you. You're amazing, bro. So unique, one of a kind. You never know what you're going to get with you. I've never seen comedy presented in this way. It's so different. It's hilarious. It's so stupid, but in the best way possible. That's what I'm going for. It's fantastic. Honestly, I loved it, Ted. Well done once again.
It's good to be weird. Yeah. It's made you come to the final of Britain's Got Talent. Being weird is to be celebrated. Yeah. That's what our biggest celebration on Britain's Got Talent is. We love weird people. That was brilliant. Very funny. You're super unique and once again you had me howling. Well done. Well, Ted, I mean, you gave me a bit of a hard time throughout the live shows, which is why I really like you. You are fearless, you're different, and I think apart from you are really, really funny. I also think you are a really, really nice person, and I think the more we've got to know you.
Uh I think Yeah, genuinely. I Simon, Simon, I wish I could say the SAME OF YOU. I WAS STILL GOING TO SAY SOMETHING NICE. YOU still can. You can. Okay, I will. Okay, I think you are brilliant. And uh I don't think Well, actually we're all a bit weird, so that's probably why I do like you. Thank you, guys. Thank you, David. Thank you very much. Ted, what can I say? Once again, you did it. You delivered. We are both incredibly proud of you.
Thank you. I was and I'm proud of you guys as well. You do I'm celebrity. You're doing a host of this. I'm honestly, that's really good. Well, I'm really proud of Thank you, Ted.
