The Exact Words That End Any Argument According to a Lawyer

I was speaking to someone. They said they're scared that if they share how they feel, they may push the other person away. Talk to me about that. Number one, it's a valid fear. I'm not going to say that fear isn't valid. I think anybody here that go, "Well, that's certainly understandable. What if they don't?" It's always the what if they do? Well, okay. Let's let's assume that they do. What happens next? If they do, you push them away. What happens? It's it's seeing that your life isn't going to fall apart. Now, if I come into the conversation and I am not trying to sugarcoat it, and if I'm not trying to

make it to where I'm only saying things to plate you to make you feel good and not being genuine, I've already set up the conversation and I've set up the relationship on fake. I'm just giving you a mask. I'm giving you a character of what I can tell is going to appease you. I'm going to be the hero. I'm going to be the fixer. I'm going to be the happy one. I'm going to be the one who's always bubbly and can never be sad. And you give them a character. When you choose not to be authentic in the conversation. So the thought of, you know, if I do this, I'm going to push them away. And if you do, what happens? That's really what the fear is. Am I enough by myself? That's that's the underlying fear. And

when you realize I can be enough without them, all those fears go away. Yeah. And that's what we're all working towards, I feel, is yeah, am I enough? Am I enough? And it's so interesting. That's exact. I was talking to that person and I said, you know, after you have that conversation or whether you choose not to, I think self- loveve needs to be worked on either way because that's right. That's at the root of it. What do you feel? You've been doing this for some time. You come from the legal world. What's the number one communication mistake you see people making today?

The one that I make too is that you think that what is said is exactly what's heard. Especially in relationships. How many times in a relationship have they kind of repeated back what you said? Well, you said and that's not what I said. I didn't sound like that. That's not how I said it. And you start arguing. They go, "Yeah, you did." And they go, "I wish I had this recorded. You know, I wish this I had this on camera that you could have seen back how you just spoke to me." And instead we just we start fighting over how I said it.

The better way to go is to say what did you hear? Oh, okay. That's that's not at all what I meant. Can I have a let me let me redo that. That's not at all what I meant. Instead, we just we split the conversation into something that has nothing to do with what you the original source. So the number one communication that fault that I see is assuming that what is said is exactly what is heard. When you ask the question, what did you hear? Whether it's even in business or in relationships, you always get a different perspective that makes the connection that much stronger. You're so right. You end up splitting the conversation and you end up arguing about something that you weren't even arguing about.

Yes. And that's the worst part because you end up creating something that is now an issue that wasn't even an issue in the first place. Absolutely. And it ends up that you will prove yourself wrong. I mean, when you say, "No, this is exactly how I said it." We don't even really know what our face looks like, you know, when we're talking. Unless you're the in a mirror the whole time. You don't know. And so, we are terrible judges of our subjective expressions. They say, "No, I that's not how I said it. No, that's not what I that's not how I said it." And yes, you did. Yeah. And so that is to me it's if you want to know somebody that has strong

emotional intelligence, it's how quick they get to asking for a reset. How quick they get to saying that's not my intention. My intention was this. Ah, okay. I can see that. The quicker that you get to that, that's somebody who says I'm okay being wrong. What does it take for someone who always thinks they're right to open up to the idea that they might be wrong? The person in front of you isn't fighting you. They're fighting to be understood by you. They're fighting to feel understood by you. When somebody's clammed up and you have to say, "You need to change your opinion. You need to

change your opinion. You're right. I'm wrong." That's not going to happen. You can't just wish for that. Instead, if I were to say to you, listen, I'm not here to change your mind, Jay. This is what I believe. You hear how just me saying that all of a sudden opens up that curiosity of, well, maybe I do want to change my mind. I don't really know. But if I were to say, how can you possibly think that you really think that person is the person you should be voting for? You think that? And as soon as I get into criticism, the more I tell you that you're wrong, the more convinced you'll be that you're right. Because most likely, if I want you to change your mind and I say that you're wrong about something, Jay, I'm not just saying

you're wrong. I'm saying that your wife's wrong, your dad's wrong, your parents are wrong, your grandmother is wrong. that thing that you went to when you were a kid that's a big crystallizing moment in your life that set your belief system is all wrong and it's become part of your identity. And so instead of me fighting I think I'm fighting an opinion. I'm not. I'm fighting now your identity. And people will go to the ends of the earth. They will close off everything. They will box their ears to prevent having to change one second of their identity. Why? Because that change feels extremely scary. That's why evidence doesn't work. When you show people statistics on things, how can you possibly believe this? And they go, I just, no, it

doesn't matter. It they will justify it. They will flip it. They will find ways to take what supports them or reject anything that doesn't. It's because it's now part of their identity. So, if you want to change somebody's mind, number one, you have to validate them. Two, you can't argue against the identity. You have to argue against the value. You have to find the value. Speak to the value. And three, understand that one conversation is generally not enough. If you want somebody to change their mind, it takes years. It takes months. And the bigger the belief, the more time it's going to take.

A lot of people want to have conversations with their partners or their parents or a sibling, but they don't find that person wants to communicate about that topic or theme or subject. Yeah. So, how do we communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate with us? Because often that could be our partner, our parent, or someone that we love deeply. Yeah. And we want to talk to them about something meaningful, but they don't really even want to engage. Is it possible?

It's possible. I get a lot of questions of people who are estranged from usually adult children. there's, you know, their 30year-old son doesn't want to talk to his mom or a daughter who doesn't want to talk to her dad and they haven't spoken in three years. And every time I have that kind of conversation, it breaks my heart because you can tell and look at this parent, they want to have a conversation with their child. And you know, deep down, so does that child. They need that relationship. How do you crack that code? What I have found most successful and what I teach them is I begin with saying I know I'm not and I'm open. And it sounds like this. I know there's distance between

us. I know things aren't how we both want them to be. I know I've messed up. Whatever that is. I you're saying what is a given to is I'm not asking to change your mind. I'm not asking for an apology. I'm not asking for whatever it is what they think that's what you're after. And three is I'm open. I'm open to a conversation. I'm open and I'm open to listening. I'm open in I'm open to understanding. Whenever you can just crack the door open of saying the conversation is here. And sometimes that's not enough. They're not going to do it. And in that case, what I like to say is then you have to live out the conversation and understand that if you can't be a bridge, be a lighthouse. You know, if I if they don't want to come

across to me and they've burned the bridge, well, then they're at least going to know where I am and they're going to know what I stand for and they're going to see the light that I'm going to try to bring even if they don't want to talk. I know I'm not. I'm open. Yeah. I really like that. Especially the I'm not. Right. Exactly. I feel like that's such an important one because I feel like half the time it's like I know we're not where we want to be, but I'd love it if you you got it. Yeah. Exactly. They're waiting for the you know, I know there's distance, but you just, you know, and they're expecting who's going to apologize first.

Yeah. I think that for relationships and family, you know, the hard stuff, it becomes this petty fight over, well, I'm not doing anything till they apologize. And well, okay, you do it at your own peril. Then say goodbye to it. Say goodbye to it because they both dug in their heels and nobody's going to change unless somebody decides to do something different. And when you can just change the narrative by 1% and say, I'm going to go off on a ledge and do something different. I've seen more relationships come back together. I've seen more people come back and say, thank you so much. I we're actually going to meet up for coffee. She's coming to Christmas this year. Oh my gosh. Like that. What

What is life not about if not that? I really hope everyone who's listening or watching, you know, tries that out. You do that so well. You know, I've seen that with you'll say, "When's the last time you talked to somebody? Grab your phone. Call them. Call them now." Yeah. Call them now. Why? Why wait? Was would you have to wait to be ready? Call them now. And when you choose to do something different, you choose to be the first. They say, "Oh, you know, I'm tired of being the bigger person." Well, that's that's life. Then you do it with the understanding that things are not going to be different unless something is different.

Yeah. I always come back to what is the outcome that I want. Yeah. Like if the outcome I want is for this person and know how I feel then I might have to be the bigger person. I might have to be first. I might have to be apologetic. I might have to be more compassionate. Mhm. But if that serves my ultimate goal, which is this person knows how I feel, then I should be willing to become anything. That's right. But if my goal is to set a boundary and not let someone cross it, right? Then I may actually even have to become more guarded. I may have to become more reserved. I may have to I have to become all these other things. And then you say, "Oh, but I don't want to be reserved." But it's like, but that

serves your goal. Absolutely. And so you've got to know what your objective is or what your goal is of any conversation. And I know you talk about how winning is never the goal of any argument, even though that's what we all think. Yeah. Especially being a an attorney, people are like what you're supposed to do. And it's not that's just not the that's not the truth. It's not like it is on TV. What I teach is arguments are not something to win. They're something to unravel. You find knots in conversations. In law, there's this thing called the jury instructions. Meaning at the very end of the trial, let's say you've you've had two weeks worth of evidence, you had openings, all your motions, and you're

finally at the end, and the juryy's about to go back and make a decision on something. They have a document called the jury instructions, and it's written out who's responsible, this person, this person. They do this, yes or no? They add percentages, they might add money, whatever it is. It is this document that controls the ultimate outcome of the entire case. And good attorneys start with the jury instructions when they first get a new file. Bad attorneys wait till the very end. Same way in relationships. Like you mentioned, if I know where the goal is, everything else becomes fluff. Everything else becomes irrelevant. So what if they said that thing two years ago that you could bring

up? So what if they, you know, said it a way that they rolled their eyes? Can you have a little bit more emotional resilience to understand what's happening in that moment to not be clouded by the forest, you know, the trees through the forest to be able to see what's happening in real life. So start with your end. Have a goal for the conversation and make sure if I could say with you, let's say you and I are off and I say, Jay, I know we're about to have a difficult conversation and I want you to know I'm going to be in it here with you. How encouraged do you feel of knowing I'm not trying to abandon you in it. I'm not trying to push something at you. And when you are able to slow it down and see arguments as not something

to win, but something to unravel, you find so much more in the connection. If you've been with someone for long enough, they're going to end up saying something that will trigger you or that will undoubtedly. Yeah. Undoubted if you've been to someone long enough. Yeah. When your partner says something that triggers you, what do you do? You tell them in a way that communicates it that it sinks in. If something is said to me by Sierra and it triggers me. One is there is a mindset to me in any relationship that you have to have that says this is a place where I

can be messy. This is a place where I don't have to be my best of all the places to be. This should be the safest for me. Now, if it's intentional, this person meant to trigger you, then what I like to do is ask the question, "Did you mean? Did you mean for that to upset me? Did you mean for that to hurt me?" You find out real quick if they really did because sometimes people say things they don't mean, not sometimes, they always do, you know? And if you find that you can't even slow down enough to have the discussion of this is what hurt me, you know that this triggers me. I think there's also a difference of if they know that it does and they're using it as a weapon. Well,

that breaches trust versus they didn't know it and now you need to explain why this reminds you of that time when you were a kid that is setting you off and you're not really sure how to deal with it. So, when it comes to being triggered, you first have to slow everything down. Means I'm going to talk slower. I'm going to lower my volume rather than getting amped up. and I'm going to let them know that something else is coming up for me more than what you said. And if you're in a committed relationship that they want to understand you, that's a conversation you're going to have. And I think the natural reaction when someone says something that triggers us is either to say something that triggers them back.

Yeah. Even if it was unconscious in the first place, or we kind of rush to defend ourselves, which seem like very natural human instincts. How do we build that slowness, that patience, that stillness that's required to actually create connection as opposed to do the human thing, which is defend ourselves and prove our worth and show we're right. How do we even get [clears throat] into that pocket? Your first word has to be your breath. In those moments, when somebody says something we don't like, we and we get up like that. We suck it in, but we don't let it out. Instead, our breath comes out when we're yelling. We're raising our voice. When

when you start to yell and somebody says, "You're yelling." And you go, "I'm not yelling." Because you know deep down that's exactly what you're doing. If you find that you don't know how to slow it down, it's your breath. Your breath always comes first so that you can actually breathe. And there's a difference between if you say something that's hurtful and I immediately go me Okay, Jake. What about you? You don't remember that time that you really want to You're going to That's That's rich. That's funny. You want to say this to me? And I start right out you versus if I give it five to 7 seconds of nothing. Meaning, I'm going to breathe and I'm just going to let your words fall to the ground. As if

I go, "You sure you're good with that? That what you said? Is that what you really want to say?" Because people don't like to hear their words echo in that silence. I've seen it countless times where the person who said the hurtful thing and you know what I've been that person too where you say or they say I shouldn't have said that before you had to say anything. What I what I meant to say was or that was too far. That's allowing you to look more controlled and more confident in that conversation. And all of a sudden when it's like this instead of it slowly begins like this just by the silence of understanding hearing their words echo back withdraws that sting. It never stings as bad.

Yeah. It takes discipline. It takes real discipline. When I hear people take a breath before they respond, I know what's about to come out is has a much more heavy footing to it. If you were to just ask me, you know, how was your day or how are you doing? I'm like, good. I'm good. I'm great. Everything's good. And I have that quick response. And if you instead were to ask me, how's your day? And I went, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. Now, what's the difference? Same thing. I just I use my breath. I slowed it down. I calm my nervous system. And as a secondary benefit, I also calm down yours. Yeah. And so most of the time when you feel that rise coming, you have to slow down the conversation. So the to me

the hotter the fire burns, the more you have to spread out the coals because it's slowing it down. Even asking, can we slow this down for a second? Can I take a moment just to I'm I'm here with you. I just need a second to think what follows after is never how it sounded before. If your partner's giving you the silent treatment, how do you engage? Depends if the silent treatment is there for a reason. Some people you kind of have to do the gray rock on that they're you can't be you can't reason with them. So, I'm not saying that silent treatment is not there for a good reason

sometimes, but let's say it's there to hurt you. You people who will use silence as a punishment. they're upset you did something and they just go, "Okay, I'm just not going to talk to you anymore." That to me is the number one sign of low emotional intelligence is if you can't even have the ability to say, "I need to take a break for a second because that really upset me. I'll text you this afternoon. I'll text you tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow versus just ghosting just because what it does is it puts the other person in position of trying to beg, trying to plead and then what happens to that

other person? They desperately want you to communicate. So what do they do? Most of the time they say something super flagrant, like a bad foul. They say something that is really harsh just in hopes that you come back in. That's it. They just want that text back. Okay, he's still there. He still reads my text. He's still whatever it is. And so if you really are somebody who's you're trying to get through the silent treatment, respond to, "I see that you're giving me the silent treatment. I see that you've gone quiet on me. I'm going to give you space. I'm ready to have the conversation when you are."

Now, there's a difference of somebody taking an hour to get back with you. Taken 5 days to get back with you. Well, that's something different. That's that's somebody who has chosen not to be connected. Because if I really want a conversation with you, a real relationship with you, I'm not going to put you in the position of begging. That's such a great note that if someone wants to be in a relationship with you, they'll never put you in a position of begging. Never. They'll always stay interested, you know, it's it's like we've for people who are married, let's say, or in a big relationship, it starts with me being very interested in you. I'm going to want to know your favorite color. I'm

going to want to know what you like to eat, what you like to wear. I want to know about your family. I want to know all these things about you. I'm so interested. Why? Cuz I want to understand you. And then we get happy and then we just it becomes a measure of how good can I feel with you and the good and then you get married [clears throat] and it's better. It's for better or worse, right? And then you just realize I don't really like this worse part. I really just like the better part. And all of a sudden you realize that things get hard and you're in year seven of your marriage and year 14 of your marriage and you feel further drifted apart cuz really you became less interested in them. You didn't get interested in

the hard. You were just interested in what was the basics. You were good with the basic facts. You weren't good for the deep stuff. you were. It gets to be where if you really want to know and test the strength of a relationship, it's not the measure of how good do I feel in the good times. It's how long can I sit with them in the hard times. M and when I can sit with you in what is the deep struggle when we're both crying when we're both 3 hours into the argument and going I don't understand why I can't communicate with you. I don't how did I ever like you in the first place that's real that's raw. And if I can still sit with you in it that's a type of connection that will last forever. It's, you know, I

talk to so many couples and even older couples of, you know, how do you do it with communicating? How do you do communication? So, well, it's never we have really big conversations, you know, it's never that it's we know that things are going to be hard and we choose to stick through the hard. People give up too easily. I mean, you're married. I'm married. It's they're a fight. They are an absolute fight not between each other but for the relationship. It's the relationship versus everything else. Attention, time, obligations, finances, kids. It's the relationship versus everybody else. Is there anything someone can ever say that shows you they're not your person?

I don't care about you. if they really don't have an interest in caring about you. If you hear that I'm upset or you hear that your wife's upset, you should care. I'm not talking about the surface level like, okay, I don't care about that right now. I'm talking about the deep, it does not affect me. When you're on the ground and upset and face on the floor and you're crying and it doesn't affect you because you don't care, that to me is they're not your person. If you want to know if somebody is your person, have they asked how you're doing? I've seen so many people go on dates or have relationships and they say, "Yeah, they were nice, but I don't think they ever really asked about

me. They just talked about themselves." Is they just needed to, you know, rent an ear for a little bit because they just made it all about themselves. Those are people that, you know, are not going to be your people. If you want to know if they are your person, you don't have to ask them, why don't you ask about me? They will naturally want to know more about you. You don't have to ask. At this one time where she a woman asked me, you know, I went on a date and he really didn't ask about me, you know, that much. I'm not really sure what to do. I said, don't go on another date. Like if they're not going to just ask about you and the basics, how could they ever want to know about you when things are hard when they will

be hard? There's no getting a getting around it. It they will be hard. That's that's how you know if they are your person. They're willing to have the deep hard conversation. How do you know if your relationship just has so many arguments that it's beyond saving? How do you know that it's gone too far? When you look back and the other person is 10 miles behind you. Explain that. When you're doing it alone, that you've read all the books, you've read all the materials, you're listening to all the podcasts, you might be listening to this episode and going, "I desperately want to heal my marriage, my relationship. I

don't know what to do." Because most likely they're the only ones with an ore in their hand trying to paddle. and the other person is just in the back with their arms folded. I don't really I don't want to be here. Does it not bother you that we are in conflict right now? I mean I don't really care. It's really your fault. And they feel like they're the only ones that are there. These people that it doesn't matter what technique you do. It doesn't matter how much you push. They are someone that will never try and reach for you. M. So, how do you know when it's enough that you've put out your hand and they're unwilling to take it? And you just look back in the rearview mirror and they're okay with leaving it.

Yeah. And I think the hard part is sometimes people show these glimpses of or rays of hope and then you believe that and then they go back to being the way they were. Yeah. and they kind of oscillate between showing you they care momentarily but then going back to not caring and it's so hard to know which one to invest in and which one to believe. Mhm. I think that the more honest of a conversation you can have with that person. Yeah. The more honest reflection of what kind of relationship you have, like we talked about at the beginning, Jay, if I can't have the hard conversation with

you, then how deep is our relationship? Now if look at the relationship itself is it's if it's only surface level conversations I'll show you a surface level relationship but if you're willing to have the hard talks no I can show you much deeper relationship what's your capacity for the difficult and yeah people will show you the glimpses in conversation of oh there's that person that I like and then it's gone well that's because it's it's only a side effect it's it's not the main symptom they are they're only putting on the show to keep you entertained. They are it's like a slot machine, you know? They just want to keep you addicted just for a little bit longer. And you have to look back and go, what am I

getting from this in real time? What am I truly getting from this? Am I enough just by myself? I think that's the deeper issue of feeling if I don't have this person, who am I? Yeah. And that's why we don't say how we feel. It's why we mold who we are. It's why we tolerate bad behavior and bad words and bad communication because we don't feel like we're fulfilled without them. So, we'd rather have a painful existence with them than a potentially painful or long-term non-p painful existence without them. And I appreciate what you're saying because it shows that there are real ramifications and consequences to poor communication.

Yeah. Because I think a lot of us will just tolerate and elongate those periods hoping things will just get better or go away. But the reality is that people don't change their communication patterns that quickly. Yeah. And that's a harsh reality. It's a harsh truth. Things don't change if things don't change. I know that when you have those moments where you go, I wish things were different in our communication. Yeah. It takes that takes time. That takes real raw vulnerability. It is my belief that love is self-disclosure. If I really want you to know me, I'm going to disclose everything. And if I want to know you, I need you to disclose everything. I need radical honesty in

this relationship to know that I'm never going to be too much. They need to know. My wife needs to know. She's never going to be too much. And when you can create the element of safety in conversation, you create a relationship that can be impenetrable Mhm. to anything from the outside. When things get stressful and stuff and that tension, you kind of bond together, right? But if there's a source in between you and you can't address it, if you can't take care of that, it's it's never the outside in. It's always the inside out that ruins you. That's how you know that they're your person. Yeah. When they're not too much.

Yeah. For you. You know, you have capacity for all the range of everything that they are will be and what they have to offer. you know, their strengths as well as their weaknesses, especially the weaknesses because you and I, we have many. Yeah, of course. Yeah. So, so you're saying that if you don't have the capacity to handle all of someone, then they may not be right for you and you may not be right for them. That's exactly right. Yeah. If there is a mismatch in capacity to deal with the messy, right? that they say you can't if you can't be with me in my hard times then you don't deserve me at the best right that's absolutely true especially in conversations if I can't

have the grace the capacity by you for me to say the wrong thing and you realize that I did say the wrong thing and there's a place for me to apologize I mean repair has to happen so that's it's on me to do that now if I know that I don't have the capacity in that moment to absorb everything that is happening. That's that's not going to work. It's not it's not for lack of love. It's a lack of capacity. What should a healthy repair conversation look like? So, if you're going to repair with someone cuz you said something you don't mean or someone's going to repair with you saying something because they said something they don't mean,

what should that conversation sound like from their end or yours based on who did the mistake? 99% of the time our arguments are not what we're arguing about. They are about the hidden need. The need to feel understood, the need to feel heard, the need to feel safe by that other person. And things go so south when I pick up the frustration or I pick up the reaction and not listening to the need. Every one of us, ourselves included, we go into conversations with these hidden fears of am I enough? Mhm. Am I enough if I get it wrong? Am I enough if I look scared or I don't know what to do or I don't know what to say or will I be abandoned? Are they not

going to want me or do they not really care? We come in every single time to one of these conversations and if I'm just responding to the reaction rather than addressing the need, there's always going to be a mismatch. There's always going to be conflict that is now corrosive to the very fabric of the conversation. Like say for example in a relationship somebody goes do you even care? Like I don't even know. Do you even care? And what is the guy they go? Oh this again really do I care? Like okay this. Okay this is so stupid. And what you're doing you're you're tearing the very fabric of the relationship when you are dismissive over how there's a real feeling. So when somebody is sharing that kind of

question with you and you treat them as if that question is real because it is, you change everything, how do you model repair that you model it by saying, I can totally see how you'd think that. I can see how you'd be frustrated. You know, if that's the way you heard it, I don't blame you for being upset about it. Of course you'd be upset about that. It sounds like that sounds really frustrating. That sounds scary. I get the feeling you feel really hopeless right now. And it's like, yes, that is exactly how I'm feeling. You just you want somebody to understand how you're doing. I don't need to agree with you to understand you. I don't need to fix the problem to meet the need. I just need to slow down

long enough to put aside the frustration and the reaction and see the wound. It's so clear that if we simply went into every conversation or the next just trying to understand how much would be solved. Yeah. Because like you said, everyone's just trying to get you to understand and whether they're shouting. There's that beautiful statement that I love from Russell Barkley where he said that the people that need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways. That's right. It's it's slowing down the moment to say what do they need right now that they don't have the words to ask for? What are they asking for that they don't have the words to say? And when I can stop and say what is

happening here like you think like I have we have two kids all right seven and five. And when my son who's seven was let's say three, right? And if he was crying, yelling, throwing something, yelling no, uh throwing a fit. You think I was going, I cannot believe that you're raising your voice right now. I are you kidding? You're crying at me. Can you like you do you not see all the things I'm doing? No. I go, "Oh, he's hungry. He's upset. He's scared. You know, he's he's sleepy. It's it's his bedtime." It's the same thing. It's the same basic human needs in every single one of us. It is. I will shout it to the rooftop. They are not fighting you. They are fighting to feel understood by you. And when you can

address that understanding by using words of repair, everything changes. Repair. Validation. Validation is not weakness. It is repair. And that's the measure of a true relationship. How quick can I get to repair? Relationships don't fall apart because of one big failure. They fall apart because of the hundred micro moments where repair could have happened but it didn't. [snorts] Yeah. Absolutely. These little cracks. Yeah. Fissures. It's the paper cuts that you go 5 years, 10 years, 30 years, and you look back and go, but there's just been so much. How can I possibly address it? There wasn't some big moment. It's all these little

moments for repair that you just chose to go by. That's why every single one is truly important. So when you get dismissive and go, really this Oh, here we go again. Here she goes. You're just you're choosing to not repair. And if you understand and sign can sign your name to a piece of paper that says, "I'm choosing my frustration over her piece." Sign your name to it. If you can sign that with a straight face and give it to her, then congratulations. You've you've lost the relationship. That's what you're doing. You're signing your name away to the end of it.