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Daddy's back home. He's gone for a couple days in China. We were scared. Oh, where's daddy? I'm so scared. But now he's home and I'm sure he brought us all the goodies from China. Because as we all know, nobody, and I mean nobody, is tougher on China. than Donald J. Trump. The only way you're going to get along well with China is you have to deal from a position of strength. I stood up to China like no administration has ever done before. Nobody was tougher like on China than I was. I'm the toughest person in China anywhere in the world. There's never been anybody tougher in China than me.
He's like a bull in a China shop or obviously called over there shop. You done? I'll I'll I'll let myself out. It's But all right, let's see some of that famous toughness in action. Let him have it. I want to thank President Xi, my friend. He's a man I respect greatly. The relationship is a very strong one. You're a great leader. I say it to everybody. You're a great leader. Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say it anyway because it's true. I only say THE TRUTH. YEAH. TAKE THAT. President Shei, he's the ONLY LEADER WITH THE BALLS TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SAY RIGHT TO YOUR FACE, who's better than you?
No one. And you know what? Trump's going to say something right now. She You don't even have to say it back to him. You know what? That's okay. There's a lot of ways to negotiate. Sometimes you get more flies with honey. So, what did you get, Mr. President? Trade barriers down, help with Iran, some of them delicious rare earth metals. What's the most significant specific thing you walk away from here for the US? I think the most important thing is uh relationship. It's all about
So nothing. You got nothing. You flew to China. What is it? 400 million miles. I don't know how FAR IT IS. CHINA'S FAR. YOU FLEW THERE to personally CONFRONT OUR RIVAL superpower on the escalating trade and geopolitical tensions between us. And all you came back with was his Instagram. The tariffs are in place, but we're on the close friend story now. Well, he's on mine. Look, was there any positive movement? He said the US was declining for the last four years. And he said what President Trump has done in the last 15 16 months has been virtually a miracle. He said we have the hottest country anywhere in the world.
Yeah, that's what she said. No, I'm I'm asking. Is that what she said? Because uh that quote sounds really a lot like you. President Xi actually took you aside, Donald Trump, AND SAID ACTUALLY said President Xi said, "You have the hottest country like no one has ever seen before. You only need a ballroom. That's all you need. Was there at least any information about she that you gleaned being over there that the United States might be able to exploit in future negotiations? If you went to Hollywood and you looked
for a leader of China, you wouldn't you couldn't find a guy like him. He's tall, very tall, and uh especially for this country because they tend to be a little bit shorter. What? What the he talking about that? You came back, you come back with like this guy, he's like I mean you're Chinese, you think but this guy. So apparently what you came back with is President Xi is apparently taller than what a 79year-old white guy's idea of what a Chinese person's height should be. I listen it's probably as good as we can expect from Trump. He's probably Yeah. And she's eyes are definitely wider than I thought they'd be usually. You Hey, is it CAN I DO THE
EYES TO SHOW THEM? IS IT OKAY IF I DO THE EYES AND there WAS NO PP IN MY COKE? CONTRARY TO WHAT I've been told, what are we doing? You might be watching this and wondering how THE IS THIS GUY OUR PRESIDENT? how is this possible? He should not have this job and yet he does. Maybe I've got it wrong. Maybe it's time to stop being exasperated by this by Trump. And maybe it's time to see if we can glean lessons from Trump's rise. Look, folks, it's May. And we were even getting questions
about it today from young people. It's May. It's graduation season. Thousands of graduates are going into the world to interview for their dream job. And maybe the advice that we've been giving them all along about honesty and hard work and all that other gay is completely wrong. Maybe we should all be students at Donald Trump University, which obviously you can't be because it was a fraud and got shut down, but metaphorically. And so that's what we're going to do tonight. Class of 2026, everybody gather around the whatever it is you watch TV or your phone, brain chip, smart fridge, however you're watching this.
We're going to walk you through what you really need to do to nail that important job interview Donald Trump way. We'll start at the very beginning. Young grad, you walk into the room and what have we always told you to do? Eye contact, firm handshake, settle in. But that's what losers do. What you want to do is set the terms of the battle in THE INTERVIEW THERE. I WILL TAKE YOURING HAND. I WILL GET GIVE ME YOURING HAND. GIVE IT TO ME. IT IS NOW MY GO. I WANT YOUR HAND. GIVE ME YOURING HAND. Your prospective EMPLOYER MUST KNOW YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN NOW. And if you come out of that interview with a hand that looks any LESS GROTESQUE THAN THIS ONE,
YOU DID IT WRONG. DON'T LOOK AWAY. LOOK AT IT. THAT IS A HAND THAT WON THE INTERVIEW. HOW DID THE INTERVIEW GO, SON? Now, we're going to let the interview begin. We'll role play this out. Why do you think you're a good fit for our firm? You know, I went to great schools. I'm like a smart person. I guarantee my IQ is much higher than any of these people. I'm good at language. I've always been good at money. I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them. I know words. I have the best words. I have a very fertile brain. That's how you do it. Graduates, I cannot stress this enough. Make your
answer cocky and super [__] weird. These other people might be good, but I have words and a fertile brain. BRAIN CAN GET PREGNANT. Pregnant brain. Make more brain. Lots of Now, the next thing the interviewer is going to say to you is, "Why do you want to work here?" And the right answer is, "I don't.
I didn't need this job. I had a very nice life. I think I would have been a good general. My mother, she said, "Son, you could be a professional baseball player." I could have been a flutist. I could have been sunbathing on the beach. You have never seen a body so beautiful. Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab such a talented athlete, flutist, nudist. But see, now the interviewer's on the back foot. They got all their stupid pre-planned [__] questions that everybody's supposed to have a pro-former response to, and you just get to knock them down one after the other.
Oh, tell us about one of your weaknesses. Yeah, I have weaknesses. I really believe I have weaknesses, but it's something I don't like discussing because I don't want to give it up. THAT'S THE STUFF in the interview. What are your weaknesses? I don't know. Hire me and you'll find out. I got a lot of them. I'm reckless. I make decisions on impulse. I do very little planning. I'm corrupt as a mother. But that's going TO BE MY LITTLE SECRET until I get this job. Oh, for here's here's one. Here's one of my weaknesses. I make all the women in the office incredibly uncomfortable. It's that face. It's that brain. It's those lips. The way they move. They move like she's a machine gun. There she is.
You don't mind being called beautiful, right? Cuz you are. You are beautiful. I'm not allowed to say that anyway. That's not going to be a problem in the office, is it? Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for the job interviewer to ask about weaknesses. Oh, they also want to know, tell us about a time you struggled. Now, you've been taught graduates that they're expecting humility, to prostrate yourself on a life lesson you learned. But that's for losers. The Trump strategy is to remind the interviewer that they would kill to have the kind of obstacles you had.
It has not been easy for me. And you know, I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. You poor bastard. He had to start off in Brooklyn, AN OUTER BURROW WITH ONLY A SMALL LOAN. I MEAN, IF YOU LOOK AT THE CHECK, HONESTLY, it's mostly zeros. Now, great. Now, you've made it through the interviewer's psychological probing meant to reveal your introspective and self-critical side, and you've given them nothing. Well done. But these bastards aren't done. They think a little playful hobby question
might be the way to unlock a new grad's real self, who they really are. Something stupid like, "Oh, what's your favorite book?" But you got this. The Bible is the best. One of the great books. Boom. Perfect. Now, those interview coaching firms or your school's career offices or your parents or responsible friends are going to probably advise you to have read whatever book you mention as your favorite. Winners don't have that kind of time. And what are the odds that they'll ask a followup anyway? I'm wondering what one or two of your most favorite Bible uh verses are in I wouldn't want to get into it because
to me that's very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible, it's very personal. So, I don't want to get into verses. I don't want to get into verse means a lot to you that you think about or site. The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't want to get into specifics even to site a verse that you like. I don't want to do that. Yes. People who love the Bible famously hate sharing their favorite parts. It's all on the like to keep it on the I think we've all seen this guy at the baseball games. So, by now it's pretty clear you're lying.
Keep it going. Old Testament guy or a New Testament? Uh, probably equal. NEW TESTAMENT, OLD TESTAMENT, it I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care. I'm equal. Now, you as the interviewee have been very patient in this interview with your prospective employer's questions. Conventional wisdom would say if you want to get that job, you got to keep it that way. Calm, cool, answering questions to the best of your ability. But that just encourages them to continue this nonsense. Now it's time to let them know that just because it is
literally their job to ask you questions doesn't mean they can ask you questions. What a stupid question that is. And such a stupid question you asked. And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person. Don't ever say what you said. That's a nasty question. Why do you give me a horrible question? It's not the question that I mind. It's your attitude. Only a bad person would ask a question like that. I don't know who you are, but only a very evil person would ask a question like that. So for you graduates, I know that this advice and behaving in the way you just witnessed seems counterintuitive. Why would I alienate the very people that I'm appealing to who are just doing their job and asking reasonable
questions? And my answer to that is I don't know. I don't KNOW WHY THIS WORKS. I DON'T [__] GET IT. I DON'T. BUT HERE WE ARE and here he is and he's the president and I'm on BASIC CABLE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. This doesn't make I don't HOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. So the point is it doesn't make sense. Just [__] do it. Look, chances are at this point once you hit him with the that's a stupid question and you're evil, the interview is over because you've aced it, but you might not have quite sealed the deal. Remember, we're in modern times. They're going to check your social media profile and chances are you probably have some questionable ones in there like best wishes to the haters and losers on 911
or hey I might be Jesus the Can I The thing that bothers me the most about this picture, I know it's AI generated. I know he's not Jesus and I know I'm not really the guy in the bed, but here's what So, apparently, if you plug into AI, Trump heals sick elderly man. My picture is what artificial intelligence thinks is dying old man. That can't be good. Sorry. Back to the task at hand. Most of the literati will tell you, "Oh, try and have a good, cogent, believable reason for questionable posts that you made on social media." Wrong. Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't depicted. It was me. I did post it and I thought it was me as the doctor because apparently even though the Bible
is TRUMP'S FAVORITE BOOK, HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROBBIE RABINOVICH and Jesus. Wow. Unbelievable. So, you have done everything wrong so far as a recent graduate, and it's looking great. The only thing really left to do for the interviewer is to get you to list some references. John Kelly is one of the best people I've ever worked with. When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's the world's last player. Bill Bar, a terrific person, a brilliant man. Great. Thanks for that. Now, all we have to do is check those references. He is a consmate narcissist. So he certainly falls into the general definition of fascist.
Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a quote effing [__] Nailed it. WELL DONE. Good call. So, great job in the interview so far. You've been arrogant, self-centered, narcissistic, ignorant, quick to claim credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short-tempered, vulgar, corrupt. Name any sin from Trump's favorite book, you've been in. And apparently in the upside down that is now our country, that's the way to do it. So congratulations, you're hired. The only thing left to do now is blatantly steal from whoever it
was that hired you. The Trump administration has just announced it is creating a $1.7 billion fund to compensate Trump's allies and January 6th defendants. The fund, which will be financed by American taxpayers, comes as Trump is dropping his $10 billion lawsuit against the federal government. Congratulations, graduates. This morning, Donald Trump gave reporters a tour of his upcoming ballroom site that big companies are paying for. And no, they're not just paying for it to get political favors.
It's to support his passion for dancing. But since everyone is so skeptical about it, Donald Trump made sure to defend it loud and clear Thank you for clearing that up. Honestly, just as informative as any of your other press conferences. But once the noise calmed down a bit, Trump did have a chance to explain some of the unique architectural innovations that justify the cost of this ballroom. I think you can see the complexity. All of these columns go directly up to the roof. That's right. Up to the roof. We're not doing any of those columns that stop halfway. Okay. very innovative. Any other incredible breakthroughs we should know about?
The glass is approximately 4 in thick. Uh and yet it's amazing. You can see through it as though it didn't exist. It's amazing. Wow. Glass you can see through. Very cool. It sounds like you're just describing every building. Can you do something interesting with it? It's all knit together. The roof goes with the ground floor. The ground floor goes with the roof. The uh roof also goes down into the basement.
Okay. Wait. Now, now it's too weird. Okay. What do you mean the roof goes into the basement? What MC extra [__] is this? People inside will be like, "Am I dancing on the floor, the ceiling, both?" But whatever laws of physics this roof violates, having a giant ballroom built as a favor by your corporate friends, it's hard to think of how things could get more corrupt than that. Tonight, the Justice Department announcing a new so-called anti-weaponization fund, $1.8 billion in taxpayer money to be given away to allies of President Trump who claimed they were unfairly treated by the Biden DOJ.
I stand corrected. I think my brain's roof just fell into his basement. I mean, if you're confused by what's going on here, I went to law school. Okay? So, let me explain it to you visually. So, Donald Trump, the man, is suing the IRS, which happens to be headed by Donald Trump, the president, which then reached a settlement with the Justice Department headed by a man named Donald Trump, to create a slush fund controlled by, you guessed it, Donald Trump. It's so blatant and corrupt that it's actually fine. I mean, I want to be mad, but I'm also kind of impressed. Trump figured out how to be both the Karen and the manager. Like, no one has ever done that before. This guy's playing 5D chess with corruption.
I mean, I bet he's building the ballroom just so he can do a slip and fall. He'll he'll be dancing in there. He'll hit his head. He's going to leave the office with a fake neck brace and $3 trillion. Now, the settlement says the money is going to go to the victims of the Biden administration, which is pretty broad. I mean, hell, I'm a victim of the Biden administration. I mean, I still have PTSD from watching that guy die slowly on television. But who does Trump have in mind for this money? Among those who could see payouts, the 1,600 people charged in connection with the riot at the capital on January 6th.
Okay. Hold on. So our taxpayer money is going to the people who did Gen 6. So effectively the rest of us are being taxed for not doing Gen 6. Well, if I knew that, I would have gone there. Wait, I mean I was there. I just remembered. Didn't Didn't you see me? I was the guy in the video doing this. Anyway, Venmo me. But look, uh I don't want to be too cynical here. I'm sure Donald Trump doesn't get to hand the money out to whomever he wants. I'm sure there's someone else who's actually controlling the fund. The fund itself will be
controlled by acting attorney general Todd Blanch, who of course was the president's uh personal lawyer. Okay, it's his personal lawyer, but that's still a professional relationship. I'm I'm sure he's still objective. I love working for President Trump. It's the greatest honor of a lifetime. If he chooses to nominate somebody else and asks me to go do something else, I will say, "Thank you very much. I love you, sir." Okay, fine. He's his personal lawyer and he's also in love with him. Whatever. At this point, it's pretty clear that Donald Trump's former personal lawyer is just there to [__] his corruption boner. But just don't say that to his
face. I'm the acting attorney general. Okay? The fact that I used to be President Trump's lawyer is just a fact. So don't say the president's former personal lawyer will do something. The acting attorney general will do something. Okay. Jeez, I'm sorry. What I meant to say is if the honorable acting attorney general could please stop throating Trump's corruption bonus so hard that his corrupt balls tickle your acting attorney general chin. That would be great, my good sir. The one good thing about the settlement is that it doesn't let Trump get the money personally. So, at the very least, it's nice to know that Trump isn't just gonna go around trying to make himself rich.
New reporting this morning on President Trump's financial disclosure showing he publicly praised companies after buying their stock. Prolific stock trades making 3700 of them. A cumulative value between 220 million and around $750 million. Holy [__] This guy is grinding. How does he even find the time to do all of this? I mean, I thought he was falling asleep during meetings, but I think he's just looking down at his Erade account. I mean, it must have been more subtle than that, right? It's not like he was buying a stock and then going out and telling people to go buy the company's products. President Trump bought between 1 million and $5 million of Dell stock
on February 10th. Nine days later, he delivered an economic speech in Rome, Georgia, where he said this. Dell, go out and buy a Dell computer. Wow. Okay, this guy does not give a anymore. They're going to have to start replacing the presidential seal with a hashtag ad. In hindsight, we should have suspected something. I mean, if you're telling people to buy a Dell computer in 2026, you're probably doing something illegal, okay? Because even the people who make Dell computers are like, "Do they still make Dell computers?" When we look back on it though, the clues were pretty obvious. Weeks after buying shares of Palunteer, Trump
touting the stock, posting, "Palunteer Technologies has proven to have great warfighting capabilities and equipment. Just ask our enemies." I mean, he's even putting the stock ticker symbol in his tweet. You know the way we all drop stock symbols into our everyday conversations like, "Hey, officer, officer, that man stole my iPhone." APL. Here's the bottom line. It's undeniable at this point that Trump has achieved the level of corruption no one has ever imagined before. And if I may be serious for a second, this is unacceptable. Mr. President, you owe it to the public to explain yourself loud
and clear. Okay. I can't hear you. I can't hear what you're saying. Oh, God. Fine. I'm I'm sure he's apologizing here. All right. There were six important congressional primaries yesterday. So, you know what that means? If you live in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon, or Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote. And once again, the big story is Donald Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal Republicans like Godzilla with slightly thicker ankles. Another round of retaliation for President Trump. He has helped unseat one of his most prominent Republican critics on the Hill. Congressman Thomas Massie, who spearheaded the law, forcing the release of the Epstein files. Yeah, that'll teach you to try to expose pedophiles.
What is going on here? Releasing the Epstein files didn't put anyone in prison. The guy who got the Epstein files released got voted out. And meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie made $300 million. Is America pro pedophile now? Jeffrey, you killed yourself too early. The tides were turning. But let's move on from Trump meddling in primaries to him meddling all over the world, starting with his war in Iran. And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't have a plan for the war, but guess what? Liptods and military generals. Turns out he did have a plan. It was just very stupid. New reporting reveals an early objective of the war with Iran involved a regime change strategy that
would reinstate former Iranian President Mahmud Ahmmedad as the country's leader. Yes, that Makmoud Akmadinhan, the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program and more. So, the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons. I love it. No notes. And if you hate this plan, don't worry. That wasn't the part that didn't work. Ahmed was injured on the war's first day by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been designed to free him from house arrest. So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to
blow up his house? Nobody suggested uh I don't know calling a locksmith uh maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin. What was the thinking here? You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house. So that obviously that plan didn't work. Uh in fact everything in the war of Iran has been a lot harder than we thought. But this is America. And what do we do when things get hard? Say it with me. We lose interest and move on to other things. For example, Greenland. Yeah, remember this [__] It was Trump's original takeover target. And now he's got a new strategy for doing it. Seduce them with kindness. Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in Greenland this week. his first trip as President Trump's new special envoy to the Danish territory.
Do you have a message from President Trump with you? Actually, I do. I talked to him late last night. He said, "Go over there and make some a bunch of friends, as many friends as we can." Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is really getting out of control. I mean, American middle-aged men are such losers that we have to need to take over Greenland just to make friends. Yes, Greenland has just been visited by America's special envoy, which for some reason is the governor of Louisiana. And it shouldn't be hard to make friends because any country who has the little circles over the letters is always
friendly, right? Denmark, Sweden, the country in Frozen. So, I'm sure it went fine. He wanted to know if you were famous. I said, "Well, I don't know if he's famous, but he's the governor of Louis." You don't want to take a picture? No. This Greenland kid is like, "Oh, sorry. You said that you're the governor of which state?" Nah, I'm I'm good. Is Kathy Hokll around or someone else? Like, come on, kid. You're not impressed by Jeff Landry? This man is the governor of America's second most illiterate state.
Does that mean anything to you? But sure, I get it. I mean, phones nowadays can only hold like what, 60,000 photos. You got to make them count. I mean, Jeff, you're embarrassing us in front of our future colony. Step up your game, okay? Turn on that southern charm. Greenland news outlets reported that Landry was seen handing out chocolate cookies. You come to the governor's mansion, you all the chocolate chip cookies you can.
STRANGER, STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER. Great idea for winning over the people of Greenland. Talk to them like the neighborhood pedophile. I'm telling you, Epstein, you went too soon. All right. Everything it would have been okay. So, Greenland isn't working out either. But don't worry, there are lots of countries we can still pick a fight with. Breaking news. The Department of Justice filing criminal charges against former Cuban President Rul Castro. The 94 year old Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro.
Holy [__] We're going to send a 94 year old man to jail. Like, what's the point? Everywhere that guy sits is death row. I mean look at this guy. He's so old he needs help walking from another old guy. Where you going to find a jury of his peers with a Ouija board? I mean, on the plus side, I guess you don't need to handcuff him. You can just tie his hands together with his long droopy balls. At least this shows that no one is above the law, even if your pants are above your nipples. I know. It's It's funny, right? Yeah. It's it's it's a good thing none of us are ever getting old. Anyway, uh let's let's hear the charges.
The 94 year old faces criminal charges in his alleged role in ordering two aircrafts to be shot down back when he was the defense minister in 1996. Oh man, the charges are from 1996. That was 30 years ago. He was only what 64 at the time. I mean, we all do crazy [__] when we're young. First off, it's graduation season, and I'd just like to take a moment to shout out all the graduates watching. Welcome to the real world.
It sucks. But yesterday, Trump gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, and he had a different message for graduates. And that message was, "Daddy like it." We also have the only cadet who earned a perfect score on every single fitness session. Wow, this guy must be something. I think we'll have to invite him up. I want to check it out. Thomas, get up here, please. I want to see I want to check him out. Wow. Look at this guy. Look at the muscles on this guy. Just hit him in the shoulder. Hurt my hand. It's like hitting a rock.
Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing women and uh I guess he found a loophole. I mean, seriously, is Trump a college sophomore? Because if you've been paying any attention recently, it looks like he's been discovering something about himself. You are a handsome devil. He's a good-look guy. Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll see the muscles are serious. Boy, oh boy. These are good-looking guys. LOOK AT THE ARMS of him. I'll give you a heart. You look so good. You're too good looking to be a fight. See, I consider all those guys back there with the big muscles. And it's not my thing, but I consider them really beautiful to me.
He's so strong. He's those muscles. Okay. Um I'm just going to say it. Uh the president needs to a dude. All right. Like just go for it, Mr. President. I'm I'm not even saying you're gay. It just seems like something you need to get out of your system, you know, like as a novelty thing. And don't worry about what your supporters will think. You'll be fine. Your base will love it and your shaft. But Trump isn't just doing commencements. He's got a very busy weekend ahead of him. Maybe too busy. Are you having your son's wedding this weekend, by the way?
Uh he'd like me to go. I'm going to try and make it. I'm I'm in the midst. I said, you know, this is not good timing for me. I have a thing called Iran and other things. Oh, and now I get why he started the war of Iran to get out John Junior's wedding. You should have just told us that. We'd understand. Even the Ayatollah's like, I get it. But to be fair, I also wouldn't want to go to Don Junior's wedding if I was too old to want to do co cocaine, right? And besides, this is Don Junior's third fiance. Trump's probably like, "If I miss this wedding, I'll just catch the next one." So, fake news media, stop trying to get him with these gotcha
questions like, "Are you going to attend your son's wedding? The man's got important news about what's going on in Iran, and I want to pay attention. We have total control of the Strait of Hormuz, as you know, with our blockade. The blockade's been 100% effective. Nobody's been able to get I'm sorry. I cannot pay attention. I don't want to tell the White House how to do that job, but is it possible that when the president is speaking in the Oval Office, we don't have a giant protruding belly button 5 in from his face?
I can't believe I'm saying this, but this is beneath the dignity of the office and it's a low bar. Like, can you at least blur it or something? Like, I know it's technically not indecent, but it's making me very uncomfortable. I mean, a tie would solve this or maybe a sweater or like 19 sweaters. Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let me try something here. Wait. Oh [__] it's coming right at me. All right. Okay. Uh, but let's move on to something even more gross and harder to ignore.
The Trump administration's corruption. This week, we learned about the new $ 1.8 billion slush fund for Trump allies who have supposedly been targeted by the government. And now we're finding out who's lining up at that MAGA slot machine. Proud Boys leader Enrique Tario said he plans on applying for a payout. My Pillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also is planning to file a claim. Former Congressman George Santos and ex- Illinois Governor Rod Bgoyovich. Maybe Peter Navaro, maybe Steve Bannon. Adam Johnson, known better as the lectern guy, says he will submit his claim as soon as this week.
Wow, that list is a real who's who of Oh yeah, that weirdo. All our favorite characters are back. It's like the final episode of Seinfeld, except this time the soup Nazi is just an actual Nazi. But the money is not going to just bigname losers. Some of it is going to losers you've never even heard of. Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony and misdemeanor charges for entering the capital on January 6. Seen here in a red beard costume. So the number I've put in is $30 million. Yeah. $30 million for wearing a mop on your face to Gen 6. How did you arrive at that very reasonable number? According to Chat GBT and Grock, I'm in at least the 3 to 5% uh upper tier for how terrible and also how strong of a case I have.
Oh, okay. Grock told you that. I see. It's the AI that's banned from coming within 500 ft of a school and is giving you legal advice. All right. Well, open and shut case for me. Anybody else uh have a claim from January 6? Rachel Powell, a mom of eight and a grandmother to ace, spent three years under house arrest. Okay, three years of house arrest with eight kids and eight grandkids. I don't care what you did. That's cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, look at her. Look at this sweet lady. Look at She's like rolling some dough. What was her crime? Did she bring unauthorized muffins into the capital? I want to hear her side.
A lot of people don't agree with what happened on January 6th. But when you step back and you look at somebody like me, for example, my major felony had to be struck down by the Supreme Court. It's my crime that day of breaking a window. Technically, that's a misdemeanor charge. Yes. When I see this woman trying to break into the capital with a battering ram like a orc in the Lord of the Rings, I think that's someone who deserves a payout. She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong battering ram breaking the wrong window. It could happen to any of us. And I like how she's trying to pretend the window she broke was just some random window.
Like you're removing some pretty important context, ma'am. It's like John Wils Booth saying, "Oh, so what? I'm getting a firing squad just because I interrupted a play. America's cooked, man. Is there any voice of reason who will call out how wrong this is? Like any normal, not crazy person. One person though who says he won't file a claim is Jacob Chansley, the so-called QAnon shaman. He called the fund quote blood money.
Okay, I guess even a broken brain is right twice a day. I mean, seriously, imagine if on Gen 6 I asked you to guess who will be the voice of reason on this. Would you have said uh the guy dressed like a stripper who's also a buffalo? But I guess this is a lesson to the rest of us that we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't as delusional as we thought. Jacob Chansley, aka the QAnon shaman, told CNN that he isn't going to participate in the fund because he's still suing the government for $40 trillion.
No, that's the last time I trust a shirtless man in a raccoon hat. But if you're that angry that your taxpayer money is going to go to people who did Gen 6, let me reassure you, a ton more people are going to get your money, too. In a memo released today, the DOJ said $1.8 billion was an appropriate amount for the fund. quote, given that literally tens of millions of Americans could be eligible for payments. Okay, hang on a second. So, tens of millions of people means at least 20 million people, right? Because it's tens of millions. It's not 10 million. So, at minimum, it's 20 million people. So, divide $1.8 billion by 20 million and that's like 90 bucks a person.
That's not going to help these people. That's barely two bags of crystal meth. Okay, I'm telling you, when these people find out how little they're getting, they're going to be so pissed at the government. And you know what happens when they get pissed at the government? The cycle continues.
