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worrying about how others perceive us Yes. And how does that block us Where does that come from? Why are we so obsessed and addicted to what people think of us? Well, it's a big topic and I think in this culture it's, uh, a fundamental one. Uh, there's a wonderful, uh, Catholic monk and mystic named Thomas Merton who talked about how we live in the minds of others. So, when we worry about what others think of us, how they see us, perceive us, judge us, love us or hate us, we are not living in ourselves, we are living in the minds of others.
Wow. So where does that come from? One of the needs of the human child is an essential need. Just as we have the need to be physically supported, to be fed, to be nourished, we also have the need to be seen. Because we come to see ourselves as others see us. When parents can't see the child in their essence, in their. Well, the great psychiatrist and co-author with Oprah, Bruce Perry, has written a book called " Born to Love". And essentially we were born for love. It is, it is, it is, it is a development necessity. And love is n't just about how others feel about us, is it about how they see us? And if they cannot see us as we are, as we really are, due to their own limitations, and many parents find it difficult to
do that, it certainly happened to me, then the child wants to be seen positively by the father. And then they will change themselves, hide parts of themselves, or exaggerate other parts; basically, they will create an image that they want the other person to see because they cannot see the real person. So, really, it comes down to our early relationships where we weren't seen as we truly are. If they had seen us as we are, we would simply accept ourselves and not be so worried about how others see us. So, it goes back to our early days in homes where parents truly loved the child. We're not blaming the parents here. We are saying that if the parents' own limitations prevent them from seeing the child exactly as he is, then the child
will mold himself to be who the parents want him to be. Because what I'm hearing is that's what we ended up doing, right? Yes. Well, well, that's the key question and, um.I heard you say somewhere that people like you, but maybe they don't like you the way you want to be liked. And, in fact, we have trouble loving people the way they need to be loved. We believe that love is the feeling we have for them and that is certainly true, but it is much more than that. You can have all kinds of loving feelings towards someone, but be limited by your own traumas from seeing them as they really are. And also, many parents
in this culture want the child to fit into the culture. That means you have a preconceived idea of who the child should be. And then, when you do n't see the child as you want him to be, you feel dissatisfied with him. Then the child will have a greater impulse to behave in a way that fits the parents' expectations. So, it stems from this culture's inability to see people as they truly are. Mhm. Yes, I mean, as I listen to you, I think about the number of moments in our lives where a person's trauma creates new challenges for us.
Yes. What isn't healed is then passed on. Exact. How do we, as people in this room, ensure that we are people where that cycle stops? That we can break that cycle, interrupt that pattern, be the people in our families, in the lives of those who have children, even if you decide not to have them, how do you become the person who changes that trajectory for your family? At some point, something has to happen to you that makes you ask yourself, who am I really? And is everything I express , say, and do designed to conform to the expectations of others, or does it align with who I truly am? And people reach that point, and that's what they call a midlife crisis, actually. And suddenly, you start to wonder, whose life am I living,
anyway? I certainly went through that, I'm still going through it. 80, 80, 81 years old and still going through a midlife crisis, you know? So, what I'm saying, Jay, is that there has to be some questioning there. At some point, you have to recognize that it's not working the way that feels right in your heart or gut. Therefore, there must be that recognition, and then there must be curiosity. Now, you ask about future generations, but the way we give them a gift is by working on ourselves. Not trying to be better parents, but actually facing our own issues. That's how we avoid, as much as we can, passing it on to the next generation.
I think one of the ways that the inner critic and that inner voice keep us prisoners is by making us believe that we are only valuable when we are busy. Yes. We're only worthwhile if this happens, right? Fill in the blank. Hang on a minute. It could be that I'm only valuable when I'm busy. I am only valuable if this person says I am valuable. I'm only worth something if I get promoted. I am only worth. I know, we have this idea that we are only worth what we look like or what we do, but not who we are. And again, this goes back to ancient times; I have often spoken about something that my friend, the great pioneering trauma psychologist Peter Levine,
told me a couple of years ago. And Peter is, I think, a year or two older than me. He has done an incredible job in the world. One of my mentors, Peter, said: if I ask myself, "Have I done enough?" The answer is a resounding yes. But if I ask myself, "Am I enough?" I still don't know the answer, you know? And in this society we are very programmed to identify our value with what we do. And it's very interesting when I talk to people about this, because they tell me, "I'm only worth as much as what I do." And then I ask them this question. "Do you value me?"
Speaking of myself as a human being. And they say, "Yes, of course." I say, "Okay, what if, God forbid, tomorrow I had a stroke, couldn't speak, couldn't move, and couldn't give anything to anyone?" "Would you then tell me, Gabor, that you're worthless? " And they say, "Of course not." I said, "So why do you tell yourself that?" "Why do you tell yourself that you're only as good as what you do? " "So there's this internal concept that I'm only as good as what I do or how I present myself." This is a two-minute lack of self-compassion.
Wow. That's right, yes. Yes, please, stop it now. That's it. I'd never thought of it that way, and the distinction you just made between those two questions: Have I done enough? Am I enough? Yes. How do we learn to give a positive and genuinely true answer to the second one? How do we reprogram ourselves when everyone tells us that what we do is who we are, our title, our followers, our Instagram bio, right? Everyone tells us that . How do you begin to maneuver again into how the mind is being programmed? Yes. Well, I can't say I've completely solved it, but two things come to mind when I hear your question. One is, would you ever tell a one-day-old baby that they can't
do anything, would you ever say or believe about them: "You are not enough"? So why are you telling yourself that? Okay? So that's the first answer. And then the second answer is, who is asking? Explain to us what actually happens in the brain when we are physically stressed or close to exhaustion. What is really happening to us that we don't see the invisible effects? We know we get tired, we get exhausted, but what's really happening inside that we often don't see? Well, stress, by the way, we Canadians can be proud of the word stress because it was actually coined right here in Canada in the way we use it today. Um. I did n't know that.
Yes, I know that many people don't know that. It was coined by another Hungarian compatriot of mine named Janos Selye, S E L Y E, who was a doctor and researcher who came to Canada in the early 20th century just after World War I. And he conducted his research on stress at the University of Montreal, in Montreal. And he is the one who demonstrated in the laboratory the impact of stress on the decrease of the immune system, the excessive growth of the adrenal gland, which is the stress gland, and the ulceration of the intestines. And he was the one who said the word stress wasn't new, but the way he used it was. He is the one who established it internationally. And the important thing about stress is that it is an
essential response to life's challenges. If you face a threat, it's best to have a stress response, which means your nervous system will be activated in a positive way and make you more alert. You'll have more adrenaline to give you more energy and strength to fight back, more cortisol which gives you more blood sugar to give you energy for the challenge ahead. In the long term, that is a positive and necessary physiological response in all animals. In the long run, those same stress hormones-and this is something my profession, the medical profession, wishes it understood and applied more- cause hypertension, constrict your blood vessels, increase the risk of strokes and heart disease, weaken your bones leading to
osteoporosis, suppress your immune system or even turn it against you causing autoimmune diseases, depress you, accumulate fat in your abdomen increasing the risk of heart disease, activate genes that can cause cancer, deactivate genes that protect you against it, and cause inflammation in the body. So, this is what we all bring upon ourselves. And people don't realize how, by adopting these ambitious values of this culture, they are literally making themselves sick. And sometimes it takes an illness to wake people up, and I do n't recommend that way of waking up, but my God, it works that way very often. One of the Greek playwrights, Aeschylus, wrote in a play called Agamemnon, 2,400 years ago, that the way the gods created us,
human beings, is that we have to suffer in order to reach the truth. You have to feel pain to awaken to reality. And, unfortunately, all too often it is these self- imposed stresses that create pain, illness and dysfunction, which end up waking us up. Maybe the way I live isn't the way I should live, but I hate, I hate, I don't hate it. I'm sorry that this is how people have to wake up, but it's often the case. Certainly, I have to be dragged by force towards the truth. I am not automatically drawn to her If someone is sitting there right now wondering, "Gabor, I've noticed the stress since early this morning. I can see it's getting worse. What do I do? Where do I start? What should I think about doing, changing, or modifying if I want to get out
of here tonight and I really want to prioritize this because I don't want to end up with that long list of aches and pains in my life? What should I do? What would you tell me?" Well, um, read my books. But, um, well, actually, I mentioned the book I wrote called "When the Body Says No," the central point of which is that when you don't say no, your body will say it for you in the form of illness. In my most recent book, which we just discussed, The Myth of Normality, there is a whole chapter about this. And when I say this, this simple question for the inquiry you just made about that person, I would say: "In what part of your life are you not saying
no?" And by that I mean, what is the "no" that you want to say, but aren't saying? Because you fear how the world will perceive you. You fear that people won't like you. You fear that people may be disappointed in you. Where is the "no" that your body wants to say, but that you are not saying? Start with that. Where this week did I not say no? Where today did I not say no? And that usually happens in two areas of life. In personal relationships. It happens all the time in personal relationships. And then, at work. Where is there a " no" that wants to be said, but that you're not saying? I guarantee that the " no" you're not saying will be a source of stress for you. So that's the first question. There are other questions, but that's the first one.
Where am I not saying no? And there's a related question too, which comes later in this same exercise, you could say, which is: where am I not saying yes? There were times in my life when I had certain creative impulses or desires, but I was too busy not saying no, there was no room to say yes to what I wanted to say yes to. And it's very interesting. Those of you who have been parents, what is the first word your child starts saying at 18 months? No. Put your shoes on. No. And you think.Actually, I had a friend, I've told this story before. I had a friend named Harold who had a son named Ben, and we were medical residents at the same time. This was decades ago. About 47 years ago. And Harold, the father,
says to his son Ben, who is 2 years old: "Ben, do you want an apple?" And Ben said, "No, I want an apple." And what that's about is nature putting up a barrier for the child, behind which he can develop his own being. And before your "yes" means anything, you have to be able to say no. And in this society, we call that childish stupidity. We call it the terrible twos. We start with that word and then stifle it in people, and by age 45, they no longer know how to say no. Mhm. It's very interesting because I feel that our mind convinces us. I don't know if this happens to you too. Our mind convinces us that I can't say no.
Yes. Like, oh my God, I just couldn't. If I, Gaber, started doing that, my life would simply fall apart. I can't do it. It's not possible. And our mind says, "Oh no, and I can't say yes to this because.". So we almost fooled ourselves. Okay, we'll do it. And.and.the Buddha said 2,500 years ago, almost in the same words, that with our minds we create the world. Now, if your mind lives in a world where saying no threatens you, then you're not going to say no. No. What the Buddha didn't say, and what is more in line with modern psychology, is that before our minds create the world, the world creates our minds. So, if you grow up in a family where your no was not respected, where it was seen as disrespect,
disobedience, something that should be repressed or punished, and your acceptance depended on your conformity, then you will forget how to say no to protect yourself. So, this begins as an adaptation. Sometimes, when I give my lectures, I play an Elvis Presley song. Did you see that wonderful documentary about Presley called The Return of the King? I have n't seen that one, but. It's good, it's wonderful. He.he.he goes through this phase where he sings terrible songs, where he gives up his incredible charismatic energy and talent, and simply becomes a puppet in the hands of his manager. And then he does this
comeback concert, and he appears on stage dressed like a god in leather clothes, simply the most beautiful man on earth, and he sings his raw, raucous, spicy, wonderful rock and roll, and he is completely himself. But then he gave that up. And sing this song called "However you want me, that's how I'll be." "I will be strong as a mountain or weak as a willow." "I'll be anything you want me to be." And that's how he ended up living his life, he ended up dying.very young and in very tragic circumstances. He was someone whose pure genius was of global importance, and his energy was incredible, and he gave it all up. And tonight I wanted it to be a truly special experience, because I want you to know how deeply
grateful I am that you are here today. I have asked Dr. Gabor, as my first guest, if he would be comfortable leading and guiding someone who would like to go through his compassionate inquiry personally in this seat here tonight. Well, thanks for uploading. I hope you 're not nervous. There are only a thousand strangers. A thousand strangers are watching you. Um, what would you like to talk about? I'm on your chapter about tuning in, tuning in. Um, I guess I'd love to hear it from your point of view, because I think I'm really trying, starting this week, to stop trying to explain myself, hone my instincts, and
listen to my intuition. And she would simply stop trying to be seen. Letting go of trying to explain myself is something I 'm working on a lot right now, and something I want to pass on to my children. And I would really love to see how that starts, and I think you guys gave a very good introduction to that today. Very good. Thank you. So, are you worried that if you don't resolve this, it could affect your children in some way? Yes ok. Okay, let's start from the beginning. How old are your children? Did you say one and three? Yes. And how old were you when your mother started working on herself?
Good. What would it have meant to you if your mother had started working on herself when you were one year old? It would have made a huge, huge difference. Because? Because you've already started that work. You have already begun to answer those questions, to ask those questions. So you have nothing to worry about. That's the first point. OK? The second point is: who is the person even asking the question? Who is the one who notices that sometimes you don't follow your intuition? That sometimes you don't listen to your heart. Who is that part of you that notices that? Yes. So, you're here now. You say I try to be myself. You don't have to try anything. It's here. You just need to pay more attention to it. asks, can you connect with that in
your body? What does it feel like in your body Yes. Peace, but you said it with a kind of grimace on your face. You said peace. Just checking again. I 'm not criticizing you. I'm just observing. As if you weren't ready to believe in yourself. So, checking again. That part of you that realizes and is committed to being you. And she is committed to helping your children be themselves. How does that part inside you feel? With absolute confidence. What else do you need to know? Is there anything else you need to know? I'm asking you. So, how do I just have confidence, I guess? You just did it. Do you know what you're doing?
You connect with your body. What I'm doing is called Compassionate Inquiry. It is a therapeutic method that I helped develop and we teach it internationally online. You can look it up online if you want. But it is based on the fundamental belief that there is nothing wrong with anyone to begin with. That everything, for example, disconnecting from your hunches, was an adaptation. But the truth is within you. And by asking the right questions, the truth will emerge. It's that simple. And I think the audience has witnessed that truth emerges from you very easily. That's my impression, unless you 're faking it, which I don't think is the case. Alright? So, just keep asking yourself, where am I not saying no? Today, if I didn't
pay attention to my hunches, don't judge me for it. It's not "you know, I messed everything up again," but "uh-huh, I realized I didn't pay attention to my gut feeling in that situation today." I wonder why not? What did I believe at that time? So, keep asking yourself questions. Keep showing up for yourself, which is what you're already doing. So I'm telling you that you're already on the right track. Much more than I was at your age, by the way. OK? really love that method. And I hope that while you were listening, you were practicing it on yourself like I was. TRUE. Because as I listened, there was a real sense of how we constantly think we're not on the right path.
Yes. We constantly think that we're not doing the job. We constantly think that there is something wrong with us and something broken. TRUE. And you just said that's the challenge, you know. Yes. And what I'm saying, yes, what I was saying is that, whether it's for you, for me, or for anyone in this audience, whatever you think is wrong with you, at some point it had a purpose. So for Christina, at some point, disconnecting from her instincts served to be accepted by the people by whom she needed to be accepted. It wasn't a mistake. It was not a moral failing. It was an adaptation. The problem is that these early adaptations then become
ingrained, and what was useful in one situation becomes a limitation in another. But asking the right questions will lead us back to the origin. If I may mention, I'm wearing this bracelet here, and it was given to me in Haida Gwaii, which, as those of you in British Columbia know, is a beautiful group of islands north of our province where indigenous people have lived for some 10,000 to 12,000 years. And then it was colonized, and they were treated terribly. And I gave a workshop on trauma there a year and a half ago, and an elderly woman approached me, and I've told this story before, that she felt very ashamed because she forgot her native tribal language. And I said to him, "So, what happened to you?" And they
gave me this bracelet at that workshop, and what happened was that she went to the residential school where the indigenous people had to hand over their children to the state and the church, and she made the mistake of speaking her native language, at which point they took a stick and beat her. that she forgot her language at that moment saved her life. And then she felt ashamed, I didn't defend myself. I told him, okay, you were 5 years old. Could you escape? No. Could you ask for help? No. What would have happened if you had defended yourself? They could have killed me. So, not defending herself, which she judges as cowardice, was actually her body's wisdom in
saving her life. And what I'm saying is that all these things in us-this is an extreme example, but all these things in us that we rebuke, judge, and criticize ourselves for-started as adaptations. We need to be very kind to ourselves, and that's why I talk about compassionate inquiry. There is a spiritual teacher who says that only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth. Well, that compassion should extend to ourselves. And then we can also extend it to others. Phew. It is, yes. It's very shocking for me to hear that from you because I think we're very good at saying, "God, the last three years were just a waste of time," but now I understand.
Yes. You know, all that work I was doing ten years ago, I just should have quit sooner. You know, in that relationship, we're very good at reprimanding each other, like you said, and just saying, "Oh, that was a waste of time," and it's almost like, " Well, no, no, no." Yes. It wasn't ideal, it wasn't helpful, it wasn't easy, it wasn't comfortable, it wasn't pleasant, but it has helped him, it has been useful, and he's absolutely right that. Well, you know what? The great German philosopher Nietzsche once said that we-I'm paraphrasing him-but he said: "We talk about these dead ends we take." He said: 'They are not.they are not dead ends.
We only discovered that wasn't the way forward. So we didn't waste any time." Thomas Edison said, when once asked, "What did it feel like to have failed 1,999 times to build a light bulb until you finally succeeded?" "And he said, 'I didn't fail 1,999 times to build a light bulb. I discovered there were 1,999 ways not to build a light bulb.'" And the same goes for our dead ends, our mistakes, and all those things that, you know, we have to do to discover our reality. That's all Yes. I wanted to give everyone the opportunity tonight to ask Dr. Gabor Maté questions, since we have him here for the last few moments. If you would like to ask a question, I will come out to the audience and hand you a microphone. So raise your hand and I'll come get you. So, yes,
keep them up so I can see them. So, I wonder, relating it to your previous conversation, how does one balance the desire for self-improvement and self-acceptance? You see some kind of contradiction between what you call self-improvement and self-acceptance. Can you tell me a little more about that? What contradiction do you perceive there? And that's true. If you work on self-improvement, you are making some kind of accusation against yourself. But what if you simply put both parts together in "How can I reach my full potential?"? And I simply have that question.
Therefore, there is no contradiction whatsoever. How can I reach my full potential? And what is preventing me from reaching my full potential? There is no accusation in that. There is no independent judgment in that. There is no inherent rejection in that. It simply says, " How can I reach my full potential?" "And that's a lifelong process. But it's a beautiful one. And there's no contradiction in it. I hope that answers your question. It did. Thank you so much. Uh, hi. Uh, I've been on a similar journey to Jay Shetty. Uh, I grew up with a desire to help people. Uh, from a very young age, I've always just wanted to be there for my friends, for my family. And I think one of the
things that has, uh, limited me a little bit is feeling too young to help people, to give guidance, or to, you know, just. And yeah, I recently started a YouTube channel. And like I was saying, uh, I feel like I still have a lot to learn. And sometimes I feel too young to share what little I know. And like we were talking about earlier, like feeling like I'm going to be judged or seen as, 'What do you know, you know?'" "." But, hey, I'm 22 years old, so I still feel very, very young. And yes, so I guess my question would be: " How can I, how can I, I guess, tap into that wisdom I have without feeling like it's not enough?"
What I heard you say is that you feel you 're too young and you're afraid other people will judge you as immature, like, uh, you're not ready to make a contribution. That's what I heard you say. OK? Now, uh, I can think of many people who were already recognized as geniuses at the age of 22. Mozart was one of them, you know? Uh, he was composing music when he was 11 years old. You know, so age has nothing to do with it. That's the first point. The second point is when you say, "I feel like I'm too young." "That's not a feeling. Feelings are: I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm sad, I'm angry.
Those are feelings." "I'm too young" is not a feeling. It's a belief. Okay, can you see the difference? Okay. If a friend of yours, let's say at 22 years old, I was in college and writing columns for the student newspaper. Would you have come to see me and said, "Gabor, you're only 22. You're too young to be writing anything"? Would you have said that to me? Why didn't you say, "Gabor, you're too young to be doing this"? Why? Oh. So, there are different rules for you and me, is that right? No, but I think I would just automatically assume that you are good Well, this is what I think. Are you willing to apply the same rules to both?
Yes. Then apply the same rule to yourself that you would apply to yourself. And in fact, even if a friend of yours your age said, "Hey, I have this idea for a YouTube channel and I'm going to contribute and express myself," would you say, "Hey, you're too young"? Good. So again, notice what I mentioned earlier as the lack of self-compassion. And just notice it. Now, don't judge yourself for lacking self-compassion. Just notice it. And then make an effort to treat yourself the way you treat me or anyone else. And you'll be perfectly fine. And you know what? People can judge you. That's absolutely true. That may be true. So what? What's the news? One human being judging another human being?
People judge me all the time. I mean, go to the YouTube channels where I have, you know, all my material and there are a lot of wonderful comments, but some people are saying, "This guy bores me to death." Or, and one of them, in fact, that I love today's. It was about a political issue that this person obviously disagreed with me on, but they said, "Gabor obviously has dementia." Okay. And? Good. Thank you so much. But I want to end with one last question I want to ask you, which is if there's any thought you'd love for people to discuss as they go out today. Something they could talk about on the way home with the friend they came with, their
partner, or a family member. And if they came alone, something they can start a conversation about tomorrow. Yes, at work, at home. What would you recommend to them? Well, I'll tell you the first thing that comes to mind: ask yourself this question: " What is true for me?" Ask yourself that question. And keep asking yourself that question. Keep doing it for the rest of your life. That's what emerges. What is true for me? Yes. I love it. Dr. Gabor Maté, everyone.
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