6:26
No. No, we must wait until the war is over. But the war might go on forever. No. No, no. The British will set us free one day. It may take years, but they will come. HELLO. WELL, YES, BUT IT WILL TAKE MORE than two before I TELL THE WHY. ARE YOU EXPECTING US BY ANY CHANCE? What does he say? I don't know. I don't speak English. NEITHER DO I.
WE WISH TO TALK TO Monsieur Rene. AH, RENE. AH, AH, WE, we British, come from the sky, SHOT DOWN. BRITISH, GOD SAVE OUR QUEEN. AH, I HAVE IT. THEY ARE THE AIRMEN, but they are two days too soon. You are two days too soon. What did he say? I don't know. Never understood a word of the language. You Huh? are two days too soon. Huh? What's he going on about? I think he wants your watch before he LETS US IN.
SURELY NOT. TOO SOON. YEAH, WELL, YOU BETTER GIVE IT TO HIM. WE CAN'T STAND OUT HERE FOREVER. GASPING FRENCH TWIT. THEY LEFT us absolutely stranded at Dunkirk, you know. We have to give him a watch to get us through the window. God knows what he'll want before we GET FOOD. NO. WHY HAS HE GIVEN ME HIS WATCH? Maybe the British are grateful because we fought the Germans while they run away at Dunkirk. YOU HAD BEST KEEP IT. THEY MIGHT be offended. Thank you. Who's marketing THE DAMN THING? I DON'T WANT THEM HERE. THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING with Germans.
Well, what am I going to do with them? We must hide them until we can talk to Michelle. Hide them, she says. Where am I GOING TO HIDE THEM? WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T KNOW, but I can think of some way to get your watch. I don't know about you, but I'm damn peckish. HUNGRY. NO, NO. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? I think he has the toothache. Let's take him to a dentist. No, no. Ah, ah, ah, no dentist. That's definite enough. No food. Told you wanted the watch. HERE YOU ARE, YOU MERCENARY FROG. THANK YOU.
NO, NO, NO. AH, AH, AH. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? PERHAPS WE'RE GETTING SARDINES. HOW CAN I make them understand we have to hide them? UH LEAVE IT TO ME. HEY. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THAT? I THINK she wants me to go behind the curtains. IN THAT CASE, WHAT ARE THOSE FOR? MAYBE SHE'S GOT a sticky catch ON HER A AS SENIOR OFFICER, THINK I SHOULD GO FIRST.
OH! HEY, WASN'T THAT MARIA, EITHER TAKE THESE WORTHLESS parcels and put them in the cellar. Oh my god, the British airmen ARE HERE ALREADY. JACK, PIERRE, my old friends. Wine on the house for my old friends Jack and Pierre, the onion sellers. You're very kind, monsieur. But my name is Claude. This is Alex. This is our first visit here. Well, in that case, you can pay for your own wine. I had to take it out. I even dumped the cellar to make sure IT WAS NOT TOO DAMP FOR THE RECLINING Madonna with THE BIG BOOBIES.
YOU BETTER BRUSH UP ON THE MARSEILLAISE. I SAY, CHAPS. I have news for you. Two more British airmen are coming here VERY SOON. OH, GOOD SHOW. WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? DO WE KNOW THEM? SHE'S GONE. THEY DON'T HANG ABOUT, DO THEY? I SAY, THAT'S A JOLLY GOOD DISGUISE. WHERE DID YOU GET THE TOGS? DID YOU CLUB a couple of Jennys? Monsieur René, what are these ENGLISHMEN DOING HERE? RENé, one of your fleet from THE GESTAPO IS UPSTAIRS. WHAT? How very convenient. You know, I've got a nasty feeling he's not ONE OF US.
ARE WE ESCAPING BRITISH PRISONERS, HMM? When I tell the Gestapo what I have found, I will get a medal for this. And what about the picture? I would say you STOLE IT AND CONCEALED IT. AH, but Colonel, the Gestapo will take the picture back to Berlin, and then goes your pension. I think René has a very good POINT THERE, COLONEL. KEEP THEM QUIET. I WILL DEAL WITH THE GESTAPO. Have you found the treasure? We have just searched the cellar. Not a smell of it.
Continue to look. I shall not return to Berlin until the picture is found. Heil Hitler. GISELLE, PIERRE, JACQUES, EMILE, MY OLD FRIENDS COME SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN. WINE ON THE HOUSE FOR my old friends Pierre, Emile, and Jacques, AND GISELLE. SIR, ARE SUDDENLY IN THIS TOWN many onion sellers? It is a festival, Herr Flick. Every year they gather in the town to examine EACH OTHER'S ONIONS. THEY DO THE DANCE OF THE ONIONS? AND AT MIDNIGHT THEY HAVE the feast OF THE ONIONS. WHERE THEY JUST EAT AND EAT ALL NIGHT.
SOUNDS VERY STRANGE to me. By 3:00 in the morning IT SOUNDS UNBELIEVABLE. HEIL HITLER. TILL TOMORROW, COLONEL. Heil Hitler. Why not? Monsieur Rene, I have just saved your life. I am eternally grateful, Colonel. And from now on I give the orders and you will listen to every word very carefully and obey every detail. Anything you say, Colonel. You that will be room SIX AND VAN HOUR with the vet, celery, AND THE FLYING HELMET. AND THE FEATHER DUSTER?
TOO. What about the egg whisk? No egg whisk, Rene. THE ELECTRIC MIXER WITH [screaming] OH COLONEL, WHAT AN honor it is to be received in your wonderful commandeered office. I have taken the liberty of bringing a few simple worthless gifts for you. A bottle of Chateau Lafite '37. And some rather good cigars which I was keeping until after the war was over, but as you are doing so well, I thought you might as well have them now. Some cheese. A little cognac. Napoleon, of course. And a small bottle of perfume for your assistant. Thank you very much, but I don't wear it.
Not you. This assistant. This beautiful young lady. This fine example of German womanhood. Oh, thank you. Now, what can I do for you, Colonel? We just want you to answer a few questions. Will there be anything else, Colonel? Will there be anything [clears throat] else, Hans? Yes, Colonel. We shall require a pair of pliers and some rubber hose. Oh no, NOT THE PLIERS AND THE RUBBER HOSE. NO, I will tell you everything I know. It's so we can get the GAS POKER WORKING. NOT THE gas poker. I will tell YOU EVERYTHING I DON'T KNOW.
SIT DOWN, RENE. We have a serious problem. Yes, well I don't think it's as serious as my problem. We know you have been hiding British airmen and helping them to escape. Well, I know you know that, Colonel, but may I remind you that on your behalf I am also hiding a valuable old painting which you hope to sell after the war. One all. Not to mention a priceless cuckoo clock. TWO ONE. NO, HANS. NO SCORE. Because we're going to hand that painting to the Gestapo. And then they will leave us in peace. Because we will hand you over as well.
Oh, but Colonel, that painting was to be your pension after the war. With it you could have bought your own little Bertha's garden in the mountains. If you hand it over, you will have nothing. And if you hand me over, well, well, the cafe will not be the same without jolly, jovial, generous Rene, the life and soul of any party. It is very sad, Rene, there is no other course open to us. But we've enjoyed your hospitality. Yes, I had noticed. We've always regarded you as a friend. Well, I look upon you in the same way, Colonel, and the Captain, and the young lady out there with the big We all think of her as a friend.
THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD WE WANT is for you to suffer at the hands of the Gestapo. Well, you are most considerate, Colonel. So, I am going to give you this ring. Inside is a pill. You must put it in your tea. And in 1 and 1/2 seconds, you shall be like A DEAD BEETLE. I DON'T THINK I SHALL EVER FORGET your kindness, Colonel. Perhaps Rene would like to give his wife one. Even a Frenchman cannot think of that sort of thing at the time like this.
Here, take it. Colonel, a little idea is running around in my brain. How would it be if we let the Gestapo find a copy of the painting? You have a copy of the painting? No, no, but perhaps one could be made by Well, let us say a forger. You know a forger? Well, in my business you meet all sorts. Mind you, he would want paying. How much? Well, money means so very little in these hard times, but perhaps a bottle of Chateau Lafite '37 and some cigars and a little cognac. What about the cheese? You may keep the cheese. You could use it to stuff in our ears when his wife sings IN THE CAFE. ARE YOU ACTUALLY ASKING us to lend you our uniforms? Colonel, believe me, it is the only way to get the picture to England to have it copied.
But Colonel, if the Gestapo ever found out that we have been helping British airman to escape, do you not think that they WOULD BE CROSS? IF THEY FIND OUT ABOUT THE STOLEN PAINTING, they will be cross. Look. You will be upstairs with the girls and your uniforms will be quietly stolen. After a brief but very enjoyable interval, they will be returned to you. Now, what do you say, Colonel? The girls are waiting. Will there be time for the flying helmet and the WET CELERY? JUST.
I AGREE. What about you, Hans? Well, I am thinking about my little wife in Berlin. And what about Maria and the egg whisk? I am the Oh. I AM THINKING that Berlin is a very LONG WAY AWAY. MY WIFE IS ABOUT THE SAME SIZE AS MARIA, HEIGHT-WISE. IT IS ALL FIXED, BUT DON'T forget the boots. Boots? I shall sit on the boots. They're boots. Ooh. Get out of your togs, chaps. Uniforms will be here any second. HURRY, BERTIE. WHAT IS HAPPENING? THEY'RE TAKING OFF THEIR clothes ready for their disguise. They must NOT REMOVE THEIR TROUSERS IN FRONT OF MY MASTER.
IT CHOOSE WAR. I UNDERSTAND. HEY, STAE. LOOK AT THE CRUMPETS. GET CRACKING, CHAPS. DO YOU THINK WE'VE GOT TIME? NO, THE CLOTHES. YOU FRENCH PEOPLE, you have some very nice jewelry. Thank you. I have a trinket that is much admired. REALLY? MAY I SHOW IT TO YOU? IF YOU MUST. YEAH. AH, YES. There's a picture inside. Oh. Look. Oh, yes. What lovely long blonde hair. Yes, isn't it? Unfortunately, he had to have it cut off when he JOINED THE ARMY.
ARE THEY READY? WELL, THEY'RE DRESSED, BUT THEY'RE NOT very realistic. MY GOD. AND THEY'VE FORGOTTEN THE PAINTING. THE WHAT? The Fallen Madonna with the big boobies. I say, chaps, you've forgotten the picture. No, we haven't. We took it out of the frame. WHERE IS IT NOW? FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, TRY TO LOOK MORE GERMAN. RIGHT HERE. JA, JA. GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN. COME AGAIN SOON. Give my love to the Führer. Heil Hitler. CHéRIE, OH. YOU SEE, I HAVE TO BE NICE to the Germans.
They are my customers. They are winning the war, so if I am not nice to them, they will shoot me. I have to be nice to the Resistance. Otherwise, they will shoot him for being nice to the Germans. I have to be nice to my wife because if she finds out I'm having an affair with Yvette, she will shoot me. If Yvette finds out I'm having an affair with Maria, she will shoot me. Now, Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer, is having dinner in the back room. Upstairs are two German officers in their underwear because I have borrowed their uniforms to help two British airmen to escape.
The pianist over there is in fact a forger for the Marquis. And the German [clears throat] officer at that table fancies me. And it is only Tuesday. René, the Colonel is getting very impatient. You promised you would have his uniform back in 15 minutes. It is now 45. Take his mind off it. Give him a mule. How can I look at my celery? Look, Maria, can't you entertain him? How can I? My celery isn't even good enough for soup.
René, uh Flick of the Gestapo is paying his bill. René, uh Flick says he's going to search the building. He will find the painting of the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp in the cellar. No, no, the painting has gone, but so too have the uniforms of the Colonel and your Captain. If they find the Colonel and the Captain in their underwear, this could make the Gestapo suspicious. Helga, you must keep Herr Flick amused. Amusing the Gestapo is a very serious business. Surely you can think of something? I have it. Give me a large glass of your strongest brandy. Of course, at once.
You have 10 minutes. Five. We must hide the German officers quickly. Get into the room of my mother. Yeah, Maria, go and tell the officers. I will explain to the old girl. Rene, it is. Can nobody hear me? Shut up, you old bat. This place is crawling with the Gestapo. I shall tell them nothing. Now, listen carefully to what I have to say. Two German officers are coming TO YOUR ROOM. PIGS. I WILL FIGHT THEM TO my dying breath. OH, NO. THEY HAVE TAKEN OFF THEIR UNIFORMS, if you know sweetness. They will not touch you, mama. That is what they said in 1917.
Get in the wardrobe. If I do not have MY UNIFORM IN 10 MINUTES, YOU WILL BE SHOT. BUT, COLONEL, your revolver is on the belt of the uniform, which is around the waist of the British airman, who is not here. GET IN THE WARDROBE. ALL RIGHT. RENE, HE IS searching the restaurant, and then he is on his way up here. Who is? Otto Flick OF THE GESTAPO. GESTAPO? NOT A WORD. THE GESTAPO are coming. If they find the Germans in the wardrobe, I could be shot. I shall not yield to the torture of the Gestapo. Long live France.
SHUT UP. HERR OTTO FLICK. GOOD EVENING. Good evening, Herr Flick. I am sorry to put you to inconvenience, but there are certain things I need to know. There are two German officers IN THE WARDROBE. THE RADIO IS UNDER THE BED. YOU KNOW, COLONEL KURT IT IS QUITE PLEASANT TO BE A FRENCH onion seller. People smile at us. Mhm. Especially that German officer over there. Right. Hello. I think so. I think I prefer being a peasant to being a German. You'll be a dead peasant if Herr Flick finds out we've been helping British airmen to escape.
I have good news, Colonel. London is making your uniforms. They are working through the night and they will be dropped by parachute at dawn tomorrow. But how do we know they will fit? Well, they are being made by the very best Savile Row tailors, Solomon and Klein. JEWISH TAILORS? ARE YOU MAD? BUT THEY are the best, Herr Colonel. THAT'S NOT THE POINT, HANS. It's the principle of the thing. If I'd known they were employing Jewish tailors, things would have been different. We could have ordered some extra shirts. YOUR LUNCH WILL soon be ready. what is it? You think THE MISSION BAGELS? NO, IT IS A SURPRISE. HOW MUCH longer do we have to wait? Today's thing is on the air past the packing. No. Go back TO THE KITCHEN.
Colonel it is I, Helga. Why dressed as an onion seller? Herr Flick will be suspicious. also disguised as an onion seller. GOOD AFTERNOON, HERR PATRON. I am just a simple onion seller in search of wine and food. Sit. Yes, Herr onion seller. I will obtain wine and food at once. Monsieur René. Huh? This onion seller there, is he another cousin? Oh, very distant. Yeah. I'm beginning to recognize your cousins.
They are all very well built. Here it is. A work of art. CASSEROLE OF PIGEON. IT LOOKS VERY APPETIZING. Will you join us? I shall be most honored. Bris au lait. I like the legs. I can vouch for the truth of this. Where did you get pigeon? They were in a basket in the kitchen. You are a fool. They were carrier pigeons. No. Yes. No. Don't start. Look. There on the leg is a cylinder. It contains the measurements of the carrier. So, there's a cylinder attached to the leg OF THIS CASSEROLE.
UH THE SPICES HAVE They should have been removed. Allow me. Stop. I will investigate. Inside the cylinder, covered in gravy, there is a piece of paper with writing on it. Well, perhaps it is the recipe. Or maybe even the name and address OF THE PIGEON. YOU LADIES IN CODE. THIS WILL GO at once to Berlin to be deciphered by experts. Congratulations, Herr Colonel. Already these disguises are producing results. Now listen very carefully. I shall say this only once.
You are to take this container. I see. And what does this container contain? Bols. Michelle, up until now our relationship has been on a very civilized and friendly basis. Have I ever said anything to offend you? Bols gin. Oh. This type of gin is colored a very pale blue. Well, I run a bar. I do know that. Nitroglycerin is also colored a very pale blue. Oh, I didn't know that. But what is the connection? This is nitroglycerin. Ah. Be very gentle with it. Do not drop it. Do not let anyone see it. Hide it in your cellar. At 11:00 there's going to be a big bang. That was not definite. It was only A LOOSE ARRANGEMENT.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I am asking you to hide this bottle in your cellar. It is to blow up the railway line. The railway line does not run over my cellar. My restaurant runs over my cellar. I know that. I will be back to collect it quite soon. Well, in that case, why don't you just keep it? Because if the Germans find it, they will shoot me. Well, if they find it here, won't they shoot me? You have a cafe. You have a bar. Why should you not have a bottle of Bols gin? If I could think of a reason, I would give you one.
Sweet we go the same refrain the final encore. You are my love, my only love, once more. Oh, thank you for your kind applause. Now, are there any requests? Two beers and some more cheese. Ah, what would you like, Lieutenant? Well, I have a fancy for something a little different. What do you suggest? Maybe a small bottle of lemon? That would be very nice, lady. Where is Monsieur Rene?
I've been trying to catch his eye all night, but I think he is avoiding me. Well, the Lieutenant is mangled at the moment, but I'm sure he is not trying to avoid you. He's too busy trying to avoid his wife. That is very interesting. Ah, Monsieur Rene. AH. LIEUTENANT, HAVE YOU got a drink? I was asking for something a little different. What is that you have there? Oh, it's it's it's just a very exotic gin. Ah, it is new to me. What is it? Bols. Monsieur Rene. So far, our relationship has been on a civilized and business footing. Anyway, No, no, no. B O L S, Bols. Oh, oh, so sorry.
This is most intriguing. I will try some. Oh, no, no, no, I cannot open the bottle just for one gin. Then make it two Bols. You would like ONE ALSO. NO, EVEN for two I cannot open it. Well, perhaps she would like one as well. Yes, I would love one. You do not drink on duty. Since when? Since now. Perhaps you would like to give YOUR WIFE ONE. OUT OF THE QUESTION. VERY WELL, I WILL BUY the whole bottle. It's not for sale. Are you trying TO GET RID OF ME?
NOT DELIBERATELY, NO. IS HE IN THE CLEAR? NO, THEN. Take this gin to my mother. Now, gin. I have forgotten how it smells. So long have I been in the nick. Rene. Take this and mix it with the corn for the chickens. It will help them to lay. Yes, Colonel. Rene, sit down. You can. Now, listen, Rene. I will come straight to the point. If you do not get these uniforms by tonight, you will be shot. You don't beat about the bush, do you, Colonel?
You got that. Now, why don't you try it sometime? It's better for the nerves, especially my nerves. Well, do we get them or not? Colonel, they are coming from London. London? Helga, the less you know, the better. Put some cheese in your ears. I'm afraid there was a slight delay, Colonel. The tailor had to go to a bar mitzvah. A Jewish tailor? Whatever that means. I will speak to Mish to someone who will make contact. They will try to get them delivered to us tonight.
Your life depends on it. So do OUR LITTLE TOES. COME ON, CHICKENS. Come on. Just tell him I am singing again. I need something to steady my nerves. You know, singing to a crowded room takes a special kind of courage. It's lucky you are so brave. What are you doing with that bottle? I'm just going to wet my whistle. You fool. This could blow your whistle through the top of your head.
What are you saying? I am saying it is to blow up a train. I am saying IT IS NITROGLYCERIN. OH, NO. I HAVE GIVEN SOME TO MY MOTHER AND THE CHICKENS. OH, NO. This is disaster. Those are the only CHICKENS WE HAVE. WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER? THAT DRINK, OH, it make your mama very frisky. What happened? She got out of bed, went to pick up her slippers, and blew the door OFF THE WARDROBE. QUICK, THE CHICKENS.
OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER? STOP THROWING this corn so hard. They're gone. Where? Into the chickens. What? Where? Where are the chickens? They always go to lazy eggs behind the hedge. And that was only five. Where is the other? The cockerel chased her into the hen house. Some bang.
