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Voter's Remorse Helpline - what are you doing? That's not a rhetorical question. What are you doing? You're calling a support line to share your regrets about voting for Donald Trump now? Now? We're over ten years into this mess, a year and a half into his second term, which has been nothing - nothing - but an unending parade of crimes, fuck-ups, disasters, and, at best, embarrassments, and you're only just deciding that you don't want to support this anymore? Nothing he's done has been a deal-breaker for you up to this point, but now you call me and you,
what, expect sympathy? Understanding? How about an apology? How about taking some responsibility for yourself and your shitty choices and how those shitty choices affect other people? I mean, don't you have anything to say for yourself?. What's your name?. Ellen? That's funny, I work with someone named Ellen - what?. Oh! Hey! Why are you calling me? You're right over there. Hi, Ellen!. Uh, yeah, sure. Where are you ordering from?. Sweet, I love that place. Um, just get me a small veggie fried rice, with egg, and a couple of spring rolls. Yeah. Drink? Oh, shit, I forget - do they have Coke Zero?.
Only Pepsi products. Okay then, nothing to drink. Yeah, I'm sure, I'd rather slurp tap water straight out of the men's room faucet than put a single drop of Pepsi in my body. Okay. Can I Venmo it to you?. Excellent. Thank you, Ellen. Voter's Remorse Helpline - you don't work here, do you?. No? Okay - what are you doing? Voter's Remorse Helpline. President Trump has lost your support. Okay. What did he do that has cost him your no doubt essential endorsement?. What do you mean he didn't do anything?.
What do you mean "not really" - what are you getting at?. Team USA being eliminated from the World Cup - what does Trump have to do with that?. Okay, I don't follow the sport at all, so explain it to me like I'm five years old and give a shit about soccer. Uh huh. So the guy from Team USA got red-carded and wasn't going to be able to play the next game, but then Trump called FIFA about it, and the player was allowed to play after all, but then Team USA lost the game 4-1 which by soccer standards is a blow-out. So it's the Trump curse, basically - Team USA was on a good run, then Trump got involved and next thing that
happened was they lost. No, I get it - and you care more about this than him starting wars? Voter's Remorse Helpline - your grief is my comic relief. You regret voting for Trump. Well, dipshits like you finally coming around are what keep us in. business? Anyway, why are you regretting your vote for Trump now, at long last?. Oh, you went to the Great American State Fair in D.C.! And it was an underwhelming experience, I take it?. Well, at least you had the place to yourself - putting on a half-assed pop-up carnival and marketing it like the World's Fair is pretty on-brand for Trump, though - why did this experience compel you to regret voting for him?. You were insulted
by your state pavilion - what was in it?. Just a bucket of dirt? So you're from Nebraska? Voter's Remorse Helpline. Trump is the reason you lost your house? Holy shit - were you one of the federal workers who got fired?. No? Um, were you the beneficiary of a government program that just had its funding pulled?. No? Okay, have you had to go into hiding because you're undocumented and you're afraid of ICE?. Okay, did you lose everything to medical expenses because you were diagnosed with cancer and under Trump the only cancer treatment that's covered by insurance is raw milk enemas?. Okay, did - why don't you just tell me,
because I could guess the rest of the day. You lost a bunch of money betting on the College Football National Championship. and you put it all on Miami because Trump picked them, and then they lost - wait, you bet all the money you had on that one game?. Oh, I see, you tried to win it back by betting on the Super Bowl - Trump picked the Patriots and they lost, too. Goddamn, man, you lost everything you had on two football games?. You were already under water because you also bet on Trump's pick for the Super Bowl last year. Speaking of football, your name wouldn't be Charlie Brown, would it?
Voter's Remorse Helpline - how's he screwing you over?. You were an investor in the Melania movie? Ha! Oh, you would have been better off setting that money on fire! Ha! Voter's Remorse Helpline - describe your damage. You're sorry you voted for Trump because you're a season ticket holder at the Kennedy Center and all the acts you wanted to see have canceled. That's too bad. You're not interested in any of the shows that are still on the schedule?. Hang on, I've got the calendar pulled up here - you don't want to go see Reagan: The Musical?.
Hee-Haw Mania?. Kash Patel's Girlfriend Live in Concert?. No, that's what it says here, it doesn't have her name. What about Ted Nugent Unplugged?. Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God Presented by Dean Cain?. The All-White Version of The Wiz?. Not to your taste, eh? - Wait a minute, you're a season ticket holder at the Kennedy Center but you voted for Trump?. Oh, you're rich! Duh, say no more. Voter's Remorse Helpline. You feel remorse about voting for Trump. Okay. Tell me about it. I beg your pardon?. Because the Knicks lost? But the Knicks didn't lose - the Knicks won!. They lost that one game - oh, okay, they lost the game that Trump attended and
that's what kept them from sweeping the series. So, the Trump curse strikes again. But, like, so what? Even if it wasn't a sweep, they still won. Everybody else seems pretty happy about it. Except in San Antonio, I guess. Oh, you bet that the Knicks would sweep the Spurs. You didn't lose your fuckin' house, too, did you?. Oh, shit, you did? You're the second one today!. Uh huh - hey, listen, man, let me cut you off and tell you something real quick - I'm glad this happened to you. Why? Because you deserve it. Because you're a doofus - because
you're multiple doofuses combined into a single person. Let's go down the list - you voted for Donald Trump - that's inexcusable on every level. And you bet on sports - shit, you bet, period. I don't mean to sound like the disapproving father figure, it's your money and you can do what you like with it, it's none of my business, but gambling is like the most shit-for-brains shit you could ever do! You ever heard the phrase "more money than sense"? That's you! That's you and every other person who has ever gambled on anything!. No, that's it. I know
that's only two ways that you're a doofus, I said "multiple" - two is multiple, ya fuckin' doofus. Voter's Remorse Helpline. You regret your vote for Donald Trump. Why's that?. a national embarrassment. We're on the same page there. Why, though, specifically? What has he done that has embarrassed you so much that you're finally renouncing your vote?. Sure, you can just give me one example. The Reflecting Pool. Yeah. That's pretty pathetic, right? Shouldn't the Park Service or whoever be taking care of that? Why is the President of the United States even getting personally involved?. Oh, you
didn't mind him getting involved, you just wish he had done a better job? Why would you want Donald Trump to be involved in anything if you want it to be done right? Trump has never done anything right. All he's done for his entire life is fuck up and fail up. Although, now that I think about it, maybe the Reflecting Pool is evidence that he's finally getting better at something. Yeah. I mean, it's the only thing I'm aware of connected to Trump that holds any water. Voter's Remorse Helpline. You're done with Trump. Well, I can hardly wait to hear this.
He's botched America's 250th birthday. You'll get no argument from me. That's a really big deal to you, huh?. Yeah - forgive me for being presumptuous, but are you old enough to remember the bicentennial in 1976?. Uh-huh. No, I wasn't born yet, I'm still in my prime - but from what I understand, that was a much better celebration than whatever this has been - non-partisan, popular and well attended, and the weather was nicer because the Earth wasn't trying quite as hard to kill us at that time. But, listen, I have an idea for how you can help make this right. No, I'm totally serious, it's a simple
two-step plan, and if it succeeds it'll make you and everyone else forget about what a shitshow the 250th celebration is thanks to Trump's malignant ego and all-consuming ineptitude. Ready? Okay, step one: fuck up the Statue of Liberty. Because, remember back in the '80s when the Statue of Liberty was all fucked up? And they had to close it to the public and clean it and repair it, and when it was done it was 1986, which was the statue's 100th birthday, and they had a big patriotic celebration with fireworks and all that? It was like they just gave themselves an excuse to
do another bicentennial only ten years after the real one. So, go to New York, fuck up the Statue of Liberty, then - what?. I don't care how, you figure it out. But make sure that you either wait a few more years to do it, or, if you do it now, make sure that it will take ten years to fix - but that it's, like, still fixable - don't blow it up or anything, that defeats the purpose. That's step one. Step two is, you do everything you possibly can to make sure there's a Democrat as the President of the United States ten years from now, so in 2036, when it's the 150th birthday
of the Statue of Liberty, they'll have finished the repairs to whatever you did to it, and they can have another rededication ceremony, and another big celebration, and we'll get a do-over for this shitty Trump-slopped semiquincentennial. Any questions?. What if you get caught? Like, get caught fucking up the Statue of Liberty? I don't know - what if you do get caught? I'll be honest with you, the only part of the plan that's really important is step one. Whether or not a Democrat is President ten years from now isn't going to hinge on anything you do.
I just told you step two to give you something to keep busy with after step one. If you get caught fucking up the Statue of Liberty, that takes care of that, doesn't it?. Hmm?. You could get locked up for that - and? You voted for Trump, you can sit in prison the rest of your life for all I care. You'll tell them I put you up to it? Ha! Good luck proving that! Where's your evidence? It's not like we record these calls! Now quit making excuses and start figuring out how you're gonna fuck up the Statue of Liberty. Do it for America!
Hey, Ellen - is Mike in the office?. Okay. When he gets back, I need to talk to him about erasing a call.
