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Here's the number one skill parents are forgetting to teach kids today. My name is Reem Rouda and I'm a certified conscious parenting coach and author. I've spent 6 years studying over 200 parent-child relationships and I'm a mother myself. Parents have been told to focus more on success, on managing behavior and controlling emotions rather than allowing the child to feel them and express them. The one skill parents are forgetting to teach their children is how to feel safe being fully themselves. Here are six ways parents shape that safety every day.
First, stop rushing your child through their feelings. We rush our children almost every day. When we hear them crying, we tell them to stop. When they're scared, we tell them there's nothing to be scared about. When a parent rushes their child through their feelings, the child begins to not trust their own feelings or emotions. Instead of rushing, it's important that we sit with them, that we allow them to feel them so that they can process them and so that they can pass. This is how children truly become resilient. Second, let your child define their own inner world. Parents override their children constantly, most of the time not realizing it. If they're hungry, sometimes we say, "But you just
ate. How can you be hungry?" When we override our children, they stop believing what they feel is real. Third, know the difference between a child who is thriving and a child who is adapting. A child who is thriving feels completely safe being their true authentic selves. A child who is adapting has learned to please to avoid conflict and to preserve the connection with their parents. When a child learns to suppress their emotions, they become disconnected with themselves. Fourth, stop evaluating your child and start noticing them. We're constantly evaluating our children by telling them, "Good job." or "That was bad." and this sends the message to
our children that they are always being measured by what they do. So, instead of telling our children, "Great job." try, "Oh, I see how hard you worked on that." Or instead of "That was so mean. Why are you being mean?" say, "What's going on for you right now? How are you feeling? Tell me." Fifth, less is more. Not everything needs a response. When every emotion or behavior is met with immediate input, our children don't have the time to process their emotions or even hear their own thoughts. Sometimes the most powerful thing is our silence and just sitting there with no agenda and letting our child take the lead.
Six, do your own emotional work. It's the foundation of everything. When parents are facing hard moments with their children, the best thing to do is look inward and ask yourself, "Why do I feel so activated right now?" Most of the time it's more about us rather than how our children is behaving. The safer you feel within yourself, the safer your child will feel with you.
