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well hello yeah so i've kind of been gone for like two months on this channel and i'm not gonna lie to you i've kind of been putting off making this video simply because i don't know how to say the words of what i've been um going through but i really want to because i really wish someone that i followed had made this kind of video when i was in the really dark place that i've been so it's a bit of a real talk it's a bit of a mental health catch up go and get yourself a coffee i've got a little lemon and ginger tea going on right now and of course gotta represent how me getting 92 wins and breaking the records rewriting the history book so wearing my formula once up today for that occasion even though it was yesterday never mind let's start
from the beginning back a couple of months ago probably a bit more actually even probably when i was still uploading um my anxiety just started to go through the absolute roof um it was so bad and then i started to feel that dark cloud drift over me and then i started to fall down that long pit to the bottom and i was like tumbling and tumbling i hope you like metaphors and things like that because there's going to be a lot of them and things got so dark that i couldn't do anything i was physically frozen i was dissociating a lot which is from trauma in my life um it's one way that my body shuts down on itself when my anxiety snoring through anxiety gets really bad um i was associating so much and i just kept falling down this pit and i just couldn't
get out and at that time because when you're in the crux of it you can't really figure out the why you know the why isn't so easy to come across but people used to ask me why are you anxious or why are you feeling down or why are you depressed i couldn't give them a solid answer especially with anxiety i didn't know what was triggering me like it was a complete mystery to me so people would ask i'm like i literally don't know i just know that right now i am spiraling into this anxiety and it's going to consume me and it is consuming me so go back about three months ish yeah about three months four months um i went online and i looked at finding some therapy for myself and so i'm going to link it down below if you're from the uk um
where you can go and you do basically do an online self referral that's not something i knew about i thought you'd have to go to a gp you'd have to talk to them and then they'd put you through and then you turn a long waiting list but you can do it all online by yourself so i will link that down the page you need to go to and you basically fill out just these little questionnaires uh little metric standard tests um and you put down what you're dealing with and then the next day i had a lovely lady call me back and she was talking through with me what was going on it takes about half an hour that little mini assessment and then they decide what's best for you they discuss all of your options the different therapies they do
and we decided that to begin with um because i've had a lot of counselling throughout my life so we decided to go for cbt which i was excited about because um cbt can be absolutely life-changing so we decided to go cbt and then they said that they could also offer me other things like reliving therapy and all that kind of like really intense stuff they were like let's start with cbt and then we'll see how you feel and we can offer you more things so the list that you're on they put me on the system they're like your list is around six weeks i was like okay that's fine and then about five weeks i got a call um from my now therapist and she set up the appointment um for that week she was like wow i've got some slots alicia um let's kick off your cbt and it
was as simple as that i've had six sessions now i think um five or six i think um and i've just dropped down now from weekly to four nightly because i'm really starting to feel better and the techniques that they're giving me is really helping me but we still have a long way to go it's been absolutely fantastic of figuring out what my triggers were and i'm still figuring out what my triggers were but um it's just been fantastic and compared to counselling which is really therapeutic obviously to get things off your chest cbt is a little bit different and it took at least three sessions or three weeks until i kind of started to feel like we're having bits of breakthroughs and then it kind of like snowballed from
there because i said like sometimes you're not very self-aware of what's going on in your head and i was trying to push out all these horrible thoughts and the anxiety and then you go into that loop of you're anxious because you're anxious and then you're depressed because you're and it's funny because my scores of anxiety and depression were lower but then come the third or fourth week they skyrocketed and she was like i'm so she's like it's gonna sound weird but i'm so happy to see that because you always put on this mask that everything's okay and we linked it back to certain things in my childhood um the everything's okay and i can handle everything on my own and i don't have to worry i don't have to concern anyone
um i can totally do this i'm strong enough to get through this um it's gonna pass and she was like i know you haven't been deceiving me on because you have to do a question every week before you session so i know you haven't been deceiving me at all she was like but this is very um this is what i thought would happen um you've taken off the mask and that was when i decided to completely cut myself off from doing anything because i was struggling to pull through doing any sort of work anyway and i was like i'm putting this weird pressure on myself and achieving very little in my depressed state so let's just completely commit to you know going offline just not thinking about it and really give myself time to heal
do the therapy do my little activities during the week do a lot of meditation a lot of things for myself and a lot of soul-searching which was painful and deep um and i'm really glad that i did that jump forward to now i've past couple of weeks i really want to do this video and talk about my mental health and stuff but yeah been putting it off because i didn't know what to say and i tried to make notes i brainstormed what i'd want to say in the video like i normally do when i want to just like structure a video if i've got a lot to say but it wasn't working so here we are cup of tea which i think is very strong now so i might have to remove my tea bag excuse me oh that is perfection that is absolute perfection but
one thing i would like to share with you is how i kind of viewed like this is like a horrific time for millions and billions of people um and this is why i wanted to do a video because i'm not alone and i felt alone and even though i knew i wasn't alone no one really was telling me how bad it was if they were really struggling to the point that they have to cut themselves off and i'm so grateful that i'm in a position i could do that being self-employed it was still hard for me to do that like well i need to make money and money's already really tight right now because it's 20 and no one can travel and you know but i had to make that decision and i could i'm very grateful i sat down to some soul searching on 2020
and kind of figured out why in the back of my mind things were happening but i couldn't pinpoint it and it's a simple explanation and i think a lot of people will be able to really resonate with this is that obviously our lives have been completely changed when i was talking to my therapist she was like ally literally your entire life has flipped on its head because i looked at my calendar and how a normal week or month i mean i didn't have a normal week or month it was always changing like was i going abroad this month how many times none haven't three um you know or are we going around and i'm giving talks around the country or things like that there's always something going on and now it's a complete reverse like i'm being
really strict with the rules i'm like only when i started therapy or just before have i started going out on a tuesday just for me to get a coffee and look around the shops and that's helped with my anxiety because i just wasn't even doing that even though we were allowed to do that i was like no i can't i started doing date night once a week with scott and as time went on and i was keeping really positive i will be able to travel again soon let's just ride out i can do other things until then you know be good find out new passions or new ways of making money which i did with ebay on my second channel go check it out um but then i realized as time went on and nothing was changing and things started to get worse again
i was almost like i was mourning my old life like what i had that had been taken away and suddenly i had nothing to look forward to because before i always had so and so forward to whether it's a speaking gig i don't know just going to see my friends or going abroad or going on a trip whatever i had things to look forward to but now i went into the spiral of all i could do was look back i had nothing to look forward to at all nothing i wanted to achieve anymore nowhere i was gonna go nothing i was gonna do and so all my mind could do was look in the past and see oh god wasn't it great you know when we could do this we could do that um and that's all my mind was focusing on and then because i didn't have it anymore it's like my
mind was mourning it i was mourning the life i had that sounds very intense and dramatic i don't mean it to be the morning is the best word i can try and describe i didn't even realize i was doing that but my brain was it kept looking back and that's so unhealthy because i didn't look forward to help me like every tuesday morning it's so small um i go out i pick somewhere a little time or whatever near me or wherever i can walk to or get a short bus ride too and i can tell myself i'm safe i'm wearing my mask i've got my hand sanitizer i'll keep clean i always keep away from people but it's helped my anxiety over tuesday morning i'll get a coffee go and look at the charity shops and i come home i'm home before lunch and that little bit of
an outing then we added a little date night with scott so every wednesday we go for a meal um to a little place and all the restaurants feel really safe and i remind myself that it's okay and now i have things to look forward to now the van's finished she's finished van video's coming in are plenty so we're gonna go away for our anniversary somewhere remote um and just go and explore maybe do some hiking and drink wine in the new van and cuddle up we've got the heater on and it's gonna be really nice i finally have things to look forward to and that was really crucial for me to do even the smallest things like going out getting a coffee and coming home a little thing something to keep me going
and to not keep looking back it's really funny because as i was discovering this about myself i went to youtube look at my sub box and mel robbins who i love i've read all of her books um put up a video and she literally said every word i just said before i even said it this is all just in my mind at the time and i was like mulling it over coming to my realization then mel robbins puts up a video of her how she's really struggling and she just said everything that was in my head i was like oh i had to watch it twice i watched it twice that videos like oh my god it's like a message i was like you've literally just said everything i've been thinking it was really weird in that moment i was like oh my god
someone is successful a multi-best-selling author she has her own talk show she's one she was the most booked female public speaker in america or in the world if she is literally experiencing the same thing as me like i love her channel because if she's struggling or she's having a panic attack she will film and talk and you don't feel alone and in that moment i was like oh my god you've just said everything i felt wow thank you and i had to sit with that i was like wow if someone like you who we all looked up to was so successful and all this kind of stuff it's being exact same as little old me sign birmingham feeling it and um yeah that was a big turning point i was like thank you that's why video can be so powerful
especially from people like that who people you know you look up to and admire like someone mel robbins to say i'm struggling i'm not okay i don't know when i will be okay and that was a big thing like somebody said you know i need to take a day off i need to take a month off i need to take two months off you know and like i said i'm grateful that i could do that in summary therapy is going very well working through lots of stuff from my life um lots of jungle you know we're rewiring up here we're getting things straight it's made me discover a lot by myself and not just things that quarantine has created in my head and the situation has created she was like these are all things that you've had you've you're you're processing
has been like this for most of your life so if it wasn't this it would have been sewing house that made you hit rock bottom and i did i hit rock bottom i remember crying after one of my therapy sessions and i don't cry i'll cry over a movie any day of the week street cat named bob oh god it tears me up but about my own problems no don't don't describe why would i cry about that why would i think about that and that was my problem why would i think about that let's just keep going okay i'm anxious i'm going to push back the anxiety we're going to suffer a little bit and then suffer in silence because i don't know how to deal with it and that's why we're working on therapy it's very good she was like you've always done this ally
always it's just now you're stuck inside and your life has been pretty much flipped science had reversed and your life has completely changed now it's like compounding your mental health issues that you've had for a very long time i was like it has and she was like maybe it's you know this is the perfect time for you to step back you can't travel cut yourself off from the internet if you want you know slow things down really work on yourself and i have been and it's been the best decision i've ever made um it's been painful and confusing and heartbreaking but once i opened that kind of worms and cried kind of couldn't stop poor scott i just like crying and he was like oh my god he just held me for like an hour on the sofa and i was just like
laying everything out then i talked to my therapist about it and she was very happy i cried too crying it's very good it's very phenomenal um so yeah i don't know how much of that made sense this was just a random stream of consciousness and i really wanted to know you're not alone and when i say that i truly mean it the past few months i have struggled so hard to point where i didn't want to like not only didn't want to do anything i didn't care about anything i stopped caring about absolutely everything a lot was going on in the past few months a lot in my personal life and my bra it's like i shut down and i just fell into this deep depression and i just didn't care anymore i didn't care about anything but
even though we kind of felt like it was it felt like it was dragging on forever i was like i've been here i recognize this deep dip of pit of despair been here in my life before multiple times and you always climb back out you always will this one was lingering i was like i really can't find my way out of this ditch please someone help but it happened it did it will happen you will climb out of that ditch i promise you and if you need help please reach out um it might take time but stick with it will get better the sun will shine again don't know when it's going to shine again in birmingham may i add what weather we are having absolute shout love absolute shirt will even though you don't feel like you will and maybe this one's dragging on forever
and you don't feel like you can find your way out of this ditch you will you have to get help you're gonna have to really look after yourself okay but you will i believe in you i didn't think i could i was a moment i was like i'm never i'm this is it now even though i've been there before and got my way back out you forget that don't forget it will get better please okay so camera's overheating i'm back and it feels really good and i wanted to leave it until i felt really good about coming back i didn't want to force it and push it while i was still struggling mentally i feel really good about this so i'm back we are going away in advancing the van is finished i have a ton
of van footage so there'll be some van videos coming up and there'll be some little travels around the uk we're gonna find some nice little hidden secluded places to go and look at the rain from there instead of in birmingham it's gonna be great thank you for all of the messages like just random messages when i just wasn't posting saying ali like i miss your content please don't rush back though but the messages i receive completely out of the blue throughout this time were amazing and you don't know how much they helped me so thank you for that um and if you're struggling um i'm here with you i got you we all got you okay and you've got this you have please don't forget that you have got this it will pass
it will um i'm in a much better place now and i'm looking forward to create videos again um yes all right so i'm gonna love you and leave you it's a very long video my battery's gonna cut out any minute now so loving leaving subscribe are you looking forward to find content because i sure am gonna finish my cup of tea now and i might read some book because me time very important um and i'll see you in the next one all right i've missed you generally that's my sheets i've missed you all right bye
