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Close your eyes for 10s, okay? If it's safe to do so, close your eyes and bring to mind one tiny, easy, simple moment that brought you some kind of joy or gratitude from the last day or two. It could be something like the sun coming in onto your face through the window, or a text you got from a friend, or that first sip of coffee you had this morning. All right. Now don't just think about it, but actually feel it. Feel the gratitude. Let your chest soften. Notice any warmth or ease or lift and stay with that sensation for just a little bit longer than you normally would. Stay with
it. Just an extra few seconds. Okay. That right there. That is the practice of gratitude. It is not a list. It's a feeling. You're listening to. Relish the podcast for people ready to stop chasing self-improvement and start savoring their lives. If you're tired of the hamster wheel of healing and hungry for more joy, presence and meaning, you're in the right place. Welcome, friends. Welcome to Relish. I'm Alyssia, and today we are talking about gratitude. Since it is about to be American Thanksgiving
here this week. And for that reason, I'm also dropping this episode on Monday and we will be skipping Wednesday this week so that you can take this with you into travel or family or the Holiday Swirl. And we will be back next week as planned on Wednesday. And if this episode supports you, please follow, subscribe, leave a five star rating and review I've shared. I've got this personal goal to reach 100 reviews on Spotify and Apple Podcasts by the end of the year, and your words really help to let others find the show. So thank you. So the holidays, let's talk about them.
They can be sweet and they can also be a lot. Gratitude is one of the most powerful ways that I know to come back to what's good and what's true, not just on paper, but in your body. So today we're going to dive into that. We're going to cover what gratitude does in your brain and nervous system. We're going to talk real people language. We're going to go into why the right three things you're grateful for sometimes can fall flat and how you can make it work. We're going to get into gratitude versus appreciation, including self appreciation as an antidote to
shame. I'm going to give you a short, guided practice that you can use at the table or by yourself. I'm going to talk about using gratitude to potentially navigate some tricky family or friend dynamics, and I'm going to share how I do this in my own life, using a simple three part practice that I love to use with partners or friends in my life. Before we get into what's happening in your brain, let's talk about why this practice matters. Because the benefits of gratitude are not just, you know, poetic. There's actual evidence backing the practice. So
physically. Gratitude strengthens systems that keep you alive. Studies show that people who practice gratitude regularly, they have lower blood pressure, better sleep, stronger immune function. It's a practice that activates that parasympathetic nervous system. The rest and digest side of your physiology. And so it helps your body recover from stress more quickly, mentally. Gratitude rewires the way that you see the world when you practice noticing what's working. The brain's negativity bias starts to soften. You become less reactive, more
resilient. And that's because your attention begins to also include what's right, not just what's wrong. It's a training of perception, and it's actually measurable. People who practice gratitude show higher levels of optimism and creativity and even problem solving under stress. Emotionally. Gratitude also deepens joy and connection. This makes sense, right? When you feel thankful, your brain releases dopamine and serotonin, those same neurotransmitters involved in pleasure and calm, and also oxytocin, the bonding chemical that supports trust and
closeness. So gratitude literally helps you feel more connected to other people, to life and to yourself. And there's a kind of beautiful paradox here. Gratitude doesn't deny what's hard. It gives your nervous system a stable base from which you can meet what's challenging. And that's why this practice isn't about pretending that everything's fine. It's about remembering. Hey, whatever's happening, is there still some goodness here? Now, gratitude is not new. It's pretty popular in the self-help world today. A gratitude journal isn't anything particularly groundbreaking. I know I started the practice of writing down three things
I'm grateful for every morning about ten years ago or so, and I still actually do it. But at a certain point I noticed it became a bit mechanical. It kind of became like a box to check off on my self-help to do list. Sometimes I noticed when I talk to people about gratitude, there can be a tendency to even use it to invalidate what they're actually feeling. So there's a sense that, well, I should be grateful for having running water or a roof over my head or having a job. You know, I should be grateful. So why am I still anxious?
That's not gratitude. That's a kind of bypass. And it's really minimizing what the person's actually feeling, which in that moment is clearly not gratitude. It is some kind of pain. So what is gratitude really? I thought it was interesting. When I looked up the definition of gratitude, it says the quality of being thankful. That's according to my computer dictionary. Okay, now I love those words. Quality of being thankful. It's a way of being. We can think of gratitude as a whole body state, and what the science shows is that it actually shifts your brain from threat monitoring to a state of rest and receive. So when you feel gratitude and that could show up in many different
ways, maybe it's a warmth in your chest or a softness in your belly, or this maybe a slight lift behind your eyes. There's not one right way, but with that feeling, you are reinforcing the neural pathways that support well-being and connection, rather than the ones that default to scanning for what's wrong, you know? Hello negativity bias. And over time, practicing that. At. It's like your brain can become a little less Velcro, if you will, for the bad, and a little less Teflon for the good. And this is not toxic positivity we're talking about here. It's training your attention to include what's working to. A key insight from
contemplative neuroscience is that duration matters. If you stay with a wholesome experience for five to 20s, you give the brain enough time to start encoding it. You might have heard the saying, neurons that fire together wire together. That's why I started out with that ten second practice focusing on one tiny good thing micro moments repeated literally. Why are you for your future experience? And gratitude also nudges the nervous system toward that parasympathetic rest and digest side, you know. So taking longer exhales a softening in your jaw, a steadier heartbeat bringing attention into the body, slowing your breathing and savoring a good moment. It's not just fluff, okay? It's actually a direct way that you can cool that stress
cascade and stabilize your system. So the bottom line is a gratitude list. It can prime your attention in a way, but neurologically your experience and your physiology are going to shift when you feel it, when you feel it in your body, the sensations on purpose. And you do that for a couple of extra seconds. This is also aligned with that Buddha quote I shared a couple weeks ago in the 80 over 20 episode. Whatever one frequently ponders, that becomes the inclination of the mind. Okay, really think about that for a moment. If your brain is literally rewiring
based on what you focus on, what story do you want to teach it? What do you want to tell yourself about your life? That's one of the powers of gratitude. So rather than focusing on a list, narrow it on the feeling. Okay, so just try this. When you do it, you name something. It could be small. That first sip of coffee, the way that the sun touches your skin, the warmth of it. You know, the way your dog greets you when you get home, whatever it is. And then connect to that. Maybe bring an image to mind, or get a felt sense of it and actually feel it in your body. The warmth, the
ease, what happens to your breath, whatever sensations are happening. And then just stay with it. Ten to 20s that is the like the key that's going to turn the lock and do that once a day, twice a day. Okay. It's not like performing gratitude. You're rewiring your brain for it. And if you like the sciency shorthand, you're taking the good. You're capturing that beneficial state long enough for it to become a trait, a new, more habitual way of being. We're going to practice it together in a moment. Okay, first, I want to make a distinction
that I hold. Gratitude is a thankfulness that's oriented outward. So something outside of you I'm grateful for something a person, an event, nature, a part of life, life itself. Okay. Something outside of me. Appreciation. I look at as like gratitude inward. What you value in yourself now both matter. But that second one, the self appreciation, has been really kind of powerful for me. A lot of people avoid or struggle to give themselves appreciation. I mean, try right now. What is something you appreciate about yourself? And then what if you were to say that out loud? I appreciate my kindness. I appreciate my commitment. I appreciate that I try my best. Notice for you what happens. There's no right. But I
notice for a lot of people it can feel really awkward, especially at first. You know, a sense of like, well, who am I to appreciate myself? It's not what we're taught in society, but we have to realize who else is responsible for nurturing that voice. Who else can be responsible? No one. If you can celebrate your friends growth and their qualities and what you love about them, why not your own? Why not yourself? For me, that self appreciation, it's become like this antidote to shame. It's an opportunity to say I see the good in me, you know, not just what's good to me. The gratitude. And when you practice it, it
strengthens these positive emotional states in your neural networks for confidence and warmth and self trust so that there they become easier to access later. It's a simple practice, but like many mindfulness practices, it's not easy. Simple but not easy. But it's a practice that can build up self-worth again, which is very different than self-esteem. We talked about a couple of weeks ago in the compassion episode. I'll link that below before we move on to that short guided practice. I want to name one other important thing. When we are going through a heavy period,
some kind of grief or feeling really raw, it can feel really hard to access gratitude. It might feel really far away and that's okay. Sometimes it's not accessible even in like the big sparkly moments. It's okay to start tiny. Just one little cup. Your favorite mug, a kind text, your favorite tree outside your window. Let your nervous system take that in for just five seconds, and also hold that this is one tool. In practice, it's not the only one, and not every tool is right for every moment. But gratitude is not about forcing joy or making you
get away from whatever pain or grief might be there. It's about opening the door so that there can be a crack to let a little bit of light in. All right, before we move on to holidays with family and additional practices, I want to guide you through a super short practice so that you can get a sense of what I mean when I say feel the gratitude. This is about embodiment. I've talked about embodiment a lot on this podcast. I've said a lot. There's no transformation and information. You've read about gratitude a lot. If you're not experiencing the benefits, this might
be why. So this is not talking about it or intellectually knowing about it. You just listening to this podcast isn't going to shift the way of being. We got to learn how to feel it. So if it's safe to do so, go ahead and close your eyes. Or if you don't want to close them, you can soften your gaze downward. And just breathe and become present and bring to mind. something you're grateful for in your life. Big or small, it could be a thing in your life. A thing that you have a favorite chair, a candle, a favorite food or beverage, and some kind of item you cherish. Let one thing or one moment land
and connect to that and just notice how your body responds. What are the sensations when you get to enjoy this? Is there warmth in your chest? What happens to your breathing? Is there tingling? There's not a right or wrong. But notice those sensations and just stay here for a few seconds. Notice that pleasantness. Relish in it. And now bring to mind a person that you're thankful for. Someone in your life. Maybe a partner or a family member. A friend, a colleague. It could even be a pet. And get a felt sense of them. And what is it about them that brings gratitude?
Is it their patience? Is it the way they see you or support you? Just notice what it feels like. The sensations really let it spread. Another few seconds as you feel the abundance of how wonderful it is to have this person in your life. There's nothing to do here, just being with it. And then turn inward. And you might even bring a hand over your heart or two, if that's helpful. And then consider what do you appreciate about yourself? A quality of you, a choice. Some tiny effort that you made. Something that feels true. Maybe it's your
kind heart. Or your thoughtfulness. Or your playfulness. Your loyalty. Your great friend. Feel the gratitude for this quality of you. Notice the sensations and actually just stay here. Hang out here a moment. Savor it and feel what it's like to acknowledge yourself. And take in a deep breath and then let out a nice long exhale. Notice what you're feeling emotionally. Notice what safety feels like.
Okay, you can let your eyes open. So that's it. You just practiced gratitude. Not intellectually, but as a feeling. So I wonder if you were to do this daily, you know, once a day this week and just kind of watch, see what happens. It is a quick practice. A lot of times people ask, what's something quick that I can do, especially over the holidays. You know, I don't have a lot of time to do my personal work or stay connected. This practice right here, you can do it in the checkout line at the grocery store, or even better, sit in your car for 90s before you go in and see your family. You know, this becomes gratitude and a way to live with
more intention. A very powerful few seconds that can make a world of difference in your experience. I've mentioned before. I'm a Hoffman process teacher, even though this podcast isn't affiliated with Hoffman, but on the Hoffman process Instagram, I want to acknowledge we offer an appreciation and gratitude. Practice every night live guided by a teacher. 6 p.m. Pacific. I'm on there like once or twice a month, but every night there are different teachers on there. And so just know that's a tool that you can access, whether you have done Hoffman or not. All right. And I've got
one more practice to break down that you can integrate before we dive into holidays. I'm not going to guide you through it. I'm just going to explain it. And it's not necessarily for Thanksgiving. I think of it more as an ongoing kind of daily ish. I say ish because you don't got to be perfect, but daily ish practice and it's very special and connecting to share with another person. So this is A111 gratitude and appreciation round. I made this one up and I love to use it with partners. You could use it with kids or friends. I typically do it one on
one, but you could do it in a group. I suppose. Basically, each person is going to take time to share three things. One thing that they're grateful for in general outside of themselves. One thing they appreciate about the other person and one thing they appreciate about themselves. Hmm. And again, that third one that can feel kind of crunchy and on days that it's hardest, I find it's often when it's the most important. Okay. Now this appreciation, it doesn't have to be a big grand speech. It can be something simple I appreciate that I went for a walk today. I appreciate that I called my friend to check in on her. I appreciate that I checked this thing off my
to do list that I've been avoiding. Sometimes it's just I appreciate I actually got out of bed and survived the day. Whatever it is, this practice of sharing that it really opens intimacy and brings this science of gratitude into real connection with another human. It's really special. I've put all this into a downloadable sheet. You can print it out if you want to try it, without the stress of having to remember everything I just said. I'll put it in the show notes, but sharing that with someone. It's such a powerful way to learn about them. I learn about what they're grateful for. I learn not only what they
appreciate about me, but what they appreciate about themselves. A very special intimacy connection moment. Okay, so let's get into holidays for just a minute. I have really fond memories of Thanksgiving as a kid. For one, it was one of my dad's favorite holidays and I always wanted to be like him. But it was also a time when my family actually acknowledged feelings. My family did not talk about feelings when I was a kid. I did not really know what a feeling was until I was in my 20s, frankly. But at Thanksgiving, we would go around the table and say what we were
thankful for, and I could look back and remember. I didn't know it at the time, but I remember feeling gratitude. But I also remember just feeling something at all. It was one of the few times where feelings were allowed. It was one of the only times when I would see my dad share emotions and get vulnerable. He would almost use that time around the table as an opportunity to express himself, and we didn't really see that much as kids, so it felt really special and it was a time I felt really connected to him. So I still look forward to it today, and I
use it as a chance to connect to gratitude. And in the same breath, I hold awareness. I want to acknowledge here of what this holiday represents historically, the harm and the ongoing pain of colonialism. And so for me, gratitude this week it for sure includes humility. And it includes a willingness to keep learning. And multiple things can be true at once. We can hold the awareness of this pain without paralyzing our connection. I believe I really believe in my heart any opportunity to connect to authentic qualities of love and compassion in myself, and to express that to others. It ultimately ripples out goodness to the world. And
one thing I also want to get better at in my own family, is not needing a kind of excuse of a holiday to express our love and appreciation for each other. As much as I love the food and the connection of Thanksgiving, it does make me recognize that it's often the only times we practice gratitude out loud in community. You know, not just with my family, but like in our society. And it makes me wonder, what would it look like if gratitude wasn't just a once a year ritual? What if it was weekly? Or even in our kind of daily rhythm? How might you or we feel different if expressing appreciation became as normal as, I don't know,
checking in on someone or like brushing your teeth even, I wonder what could shift collectively if this expression of gratitude were a social norm now, anyhow, we can sit with that. But with my family, we still do this practice of going around the table at Thanksgiving. I think it's really special. I feel connected to my family when we do it, and I can't deny the holidays are also very stressful for me. I tend to prefer smaller meetups in general, and even with family, I like to be one on one. I like smaller groups rather than like 10 to 15 people. It can be too much for me. I
have to really take care of myself before, during and after those gatherings. And gratitude is one practice that can help me stay grounded. Now, as a reminder, this is not pretending everything's fine. It's placing your attention inside of the reality you're living and finding what's good. So a couple of ideas before you walk in to the family event. Thanksgiving or any kind of holiday experience or family event, consider what is something that you appreciate. And let that become an anchor, you know. Is it your cousin's
laugh? Is it the way your aunt sets the table? Is it the dog that's sprawling around? Give your mind and your heart something nourishing to be with, to kind of chew on. You can still notice the heart stuff, right? We want to acknowledge the reality. It's not invalidating or being in denial, but we don't want to let the negativity bias take over and start telling a story that everything's terrible because most of the time that's probably not true either. Another thing is to pair gratitude with your boundaries. Gratitude does not obligate you tolerate behavior that's not okay. Do
not tolerate behavior that's not okay. You are allowed to set boundaries. I love boundaries. I was boundaries for Halloween this year. Okay I'm serious. I post a photo on Instagram, but you can set boundaries with family. Um, you know, for instance, maybe there's a time boundary. I'm going to stay for two hours at this event. Maybe there's a topic boundary I'm not going to discuss X today. Maybe there's a body boundary. I'm going to step outside and take three breaths. If I get activated, boundaries are going to help you protect the conditions where gratitude
can actually be accessed and felt. A few years ago, I had a moment like this myself. Someone at a holiday dinner made a comment and it stung. And my old pattern would have been to just shut down, check out, stop engaging, maybe get a little vindictive. And instead, I quietly excused myself. I stepped outside, took a couple breaths. I actually reminded myself of what I'm grateful for. I even took a moment to acknowledge internally why I cared about this other person. Like to remind myself, why was I choosing to be here and to be around them? And then after that, I let that kind of fill my body. I came
back and I came back in softer. And it's not like something magical happened, but the energy shifted and the rest of the dinner was a positive experience without drama, which is like my biggest nightmare at a holiday dinner. So that's the power of presence and gratitude and boundaries. Something else is to support your nervous system. You know, if you can step into the hallway, step out onto the porch, take a big breath, and then let yourself have a nice long exhale. Longer exhales relax the nervous system. I know I use going to the bathroom as an excuse to
get away, but a real excuse like I actually use it as an opportunity to take a breath and begin again. Remember that longer exhales nudge the parasympathetic nervous system, kind of dial it up, almost like tapping the brakes so that your mind can still stay online. Another thing to consider is micro repairing when necessary. If something gets tense, try a mini appreciation. Nothing repairs better than just softening the energy with kind words. Hey, thanks for cooking that. I appreciate you making the effort to comment means a lot. It doesn't have to erase the issue, but it can widen the frame and help keep
the other people involved present and help keep me intentional. So here's an experiment you can try once, maybe twice a day. All right. Feel one specific moment of gratitude or connect to something or someone, something you're grateful for and feel it for ten to 20s. That's it. The time is when the training is happening, and over days and weeks you teach your attention and your nervous system to more. Register what's right, you know, not just what's risky or wrong in neuroscientist Rick Hansen's language, you are taking in the good. Lingering long
enough so that it can leave a trace. And I'll link his book below in the show notes as well. If you like structure, you can stack the practice to existing moments. You know, maybe it's after you're brushing your teeth, or when you first sit down to have a cup of coffee in the morning, maybe before you get out of the car. Tiny, repeated embodied moments. All right, so gratitude is not a performance. It's a practice. It lives in your body. And this week, whether you are gathering or traveling or working or keeping it low key, maybe nothing's different for you. Give that one
one, one. Practice a go with someone. Pause for 90s on your own. Feel the gratitude. Let the warmth or whatever sensations are there, linger a little longer than usual. That little bit longer is how your brain learns. All right. And just express the gratitude you have to yourself and to people that you love. I'm grateful for you. Truly I am. Thank you for being here. If this episode resonated, I appreciate you. Following leaving a five star rating a short review. Help us get to 100 on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. It helps more people find Relish, and I would love to hear
your experience of these practices. Call the Relish hotline. It's linked in the show notes. Let me know. Leave a voicemail and you can also leave questions or challenges you're having, because I'm trying to brainstorm ways to include those in future episodes. If you want that one pager for the 111 gratitude practice, grab it in the show notes. Have an amazing Thanksgiving week if you're celebrating. Whatever you do. Go feel it. Go relish it. And I'll see you next week.
