How to Overcome Self-Doubt by Identifying the Four Drivers Behind It

If someone were to listen to our podcast today, what would they overcome and what skills would they develop? Well, this will essentially be a masterclass on self-doubt, but not just what it is, but determining for yourself what the drivers of your doubt are. Because we think doubt is just a big mass of worry, anxiety, and insecurity, but by analyzing decades of literature and my own research over the last 5 years, we have narrowed it down to four main drivers. So, if you are able to determine: "Okay, where do I stand with respect to these engines? Which one is really driving my self-doubt?" That then allows you to determine what you need to do to overcome it. As you said, self-doubt doesn't necessarily disappear with

achievement, it doesn't disappear as you advance in your career, it only increases with responsibility. But the true measure of someone's success and happiness is whether they can listen to the voice of doubt and still keep going. Yes. And what I want to help everyone listening today is to determine which of the engines of their self-doubt is taking the wheel and then what exactly they need to do to overcome it. So they can achieve the connection they want, the success they desire, the performance they seek, and create the life they want. I love it. Let's talk about the four engines because now I'm fascinated by them too.

Let's do it. discover which ones I've been dealing with. Yes. Today we can diagnose your doubt profile. Let's delve deeper. Let's begin. So, the first thing we need to do is take a step back. How did we find these four engines? We have been working with leaders and teams in various organizations for the past 5 to 10 years. That equates to tens of thousands of people. And we discovered that, once again, no matter where they were on their journey, they heard this voice of doubt . And it sounded different and it looked different. But then we wanted to know: " Okay, specifically what is driving this?" And we need to go back to something called your self-image. Let me tell you about a study conducted in

the 1970s that opens your mind about the power of the self-image we have of ourselves and how it continues to be repeated throughout our lives. In the 1970s, a psychology professor named Robert Kleck from Dartmouth conducted this fascinating experiment in which he gathered several people, divided them into groups, and drew a scar on the face of one of the groups, from the right ear to the corner of the mouth. A large, ugly scar, and allowed them to see themselves in a hand mirror. Then he sent the groups out to talk to strangers, right? So, you have one group that has a scar and another group without a scar. After the conversations, they return and report

how they felt the talk went. The group with the scar overwhelmingly reported that they felt judged, that it was tense, and that the other person was distant because of the scar. But this is where it gets really interesting. If we rewind a bit, just before the investigator sent them to these conversations, he applied moisturizer to the scar, so right after looking in the mirror, he applies this cream, but he doesn't tell them that he is erasing the scar. Wow. So now they don't have any scars on their faces, but they think they do. They enter these conversations believing and expecting that they will be treated badly, with contempt, that they will be judged, and that is what they experienced.

Wow. It's crazy. When you think about the implications for us in our lives, it's okay, it may not be a physical scar; But we all have beliefs or expectations about ourselves based on how we look, our self-image, and then we will notice things that reinforce it because of how the brain is wired. Mhm. Confirmation bias, selective attention. Your brain is programmed to magnify whatever you focus on. So, if you go through life, to your conversations, to your meetings, to your work believing that you are not worthy, that you are not capable, that you do not deserve it, you will notice things that reinforce that, and it will only make you feel worse. So, that's what we know about self-image. Therefore, the first

question we must ask ourselves is what are these invisible scars that we carry throughout our lives. How can we become more aware of them? So my next question is great. That is the power of self-image, and self-image fuels our doubts. But how do you measure self-image? If I had to ask you, Jay, what do you think your self-image is? You could share something and then I would ask someone else, what do you think your self-image is? And they could share something else. We need to determine if something is measurable in order to determine what it is. And when we look at more than 50 years of research, we find that yes, there is a lot of information available, but it all boils down to just four dimensions of how we see

ourselves. And when these four things come together, they form our self-image and define how we interact with the world. Not only that, these four things that are based on our personality have been shown, through meta-analysis of more than 100 studies, to predict our success, our job performance, our professional satisfaction, how happy we are in our lives and our relationships. It all comes down to these four things. And I couldn't believe it when I came across this. So let me tell you what these four things are, because they essentially drive our self-image, which in turn drives our self-doubt when it 's weakened. So, the first of all, the first engine of your doubts, which shapes your self-image, is what we call acceptance,

self-acceptance. It is related to this personality trait of self-esteem. In other words, how you see yourself in terms of your worth and merit. Now, if you don't accept yourself, this manifests in four painfully familiar habits. The first is what we call the pressure to prove oneself. You feel that you constantly have to prove your worth through your work and performance. You have to prove that you are valuable to others, so you seek their validation and praise. And when you don't get them, an automatic switch flips and you feel the need to get them back.

Mhm. That's the first one. The second is what we call the shrinking syndrome. This is where someone can be afraid of success because they don't accept who they are and, therefore, fear what will happen if something amazing happens to them, because deep down they feel they do n't deserve it. So, try to sabotage yourself before you get there. The third is what we call the Schadenfreude cycle. And the Schadenfreude cycle, which you may have heard of, is a German term. It's that moment when you see someone else fail and suddenly you feel really good about yourself. Mhm. You feel a little better about yourself.

You enjoy the failures of others. This is a sign that you don't accept yourself. Wow. Your self-esteem is suffering. And then, the fourth pattern we see here is, of course, that endless need for approval. We need others to appreciate and validate us. We could become codependent in our relationships. We say yes when we really want to say no. We wear masks and adapt to fit in better with those around us, but in doing so we lose ourselves. Mhm. So, that's the first and, in my opinion, the most fundamental: acceptance. And as I learn from you, it seems that this started very early on and you've been carrying it with you all these years. And you realize it when you start

applying for a job, or you want to apply for a promotion, or you're trying to find the relationship of your dreams, and suddenly you think, "Wow, why do I feel this way?" And I can imagine that many of our listeners are thinking right now, "Shade, I do those four things." That's me. Yes, that's me. So, if anyone is listening right now and says, " Shade and Jay, that's me." I do those four things. I have no idea. Do I have to stop doing those things? I have to.so, self-acceptance, that's the problem I'm having. I do not accept myself according to your four measures. Where do I begin? What questions should I ask myself from that point on?

I love how you mentioned that we develop this early in life. Let's start there, and then we'll move on to how we can begin to break the attachment we have to this. Generally, this sense of acceptance that we have develops in the first three to four years. Initially, it is based on the response we get from our parents, our primary caregivers, and it also develops according to whether we feel we receive the emotional support and care we need. If you feel that you constantly need to earn your parents' attention or do something exciting to get them to notice you, then you develop this belief that you must perform to be valuable. It can also happen later in life, when a parent tells you or compares your report card

, your grades, with those of a sibling. Or it makes you feel that you only have value when you win an award or come in first in the swimming competition you participate in. The race. So, we develop this from a very early age and, you know, we really need to recognize a lot of who we are as a result of those early experiences. That doesn't mean we're prisoners of it, or that we should blame that environment, our parents, or, you know, the caregivers we had. We need to recognize that they were doing the best they could with what they knew at the time. We have this beautiful ability to take control of our lives, which leads us to the third pillar, which we will see later, and which allows us, as you said, to be

aware of these patterns. Very often, Jay, and if you listen to us, you may discover that you hadn't been aware of these things. And it's only when you listen to sessions like this, conversations like this, when you read a book, that you suddenly start almost self-diagnosing and realize: " Wow, this is me." "Look at it as something very positive, because you are identifying that you are part of this experience, instead of simply thinking that this is who I am." Mhm. So that's a very positive thing. So what do we do if we identify that we are having problems with acceptance? The first thing is to recognize that you are not your thoughts and you are not your beliefs. Beliefs are simply a repeated thought pattern

that has occurred so many times in our brain that it becomes predetermined. It's just a very, very fast neural processing pathway. And just as a belief is formed at the beginning of our lives, we can undo that belief. Yes, it takes time. Yes, it requires repetition. Yes, it requires practice. But we have the ability to do so through a conscious choice. And the moment you start to notice that you feel insecure, those thoughts come to your mind: I can't do this, I don't deserve this, I'm not enough. That's the key phrase for someone who lacks acceptance. I am not enough. So I must prove that I am enough. I need to earn that feeling from other people.

I must pursue it through achievements. The moment you notice that, consciously reactivate the prefrontal part of your brain. That's how you refocus your attention and say to yourself: wait a minute. I don't need to believe that thought. I don't need to believe that belief. Remind yourself that I have value. I am valuable. And one of the simplest tricks you can use in those moments is to stop thinking about yourself. I know it sounds very strange to say it, but when we suffer from a lack of self-acceptance, it's always about the me, the me, mine. How do they see me? What image am I projecting? What am I doing right now? If you can change and say, well, how can I be here for them? How can I be of value? How can I be of service? How can I make this

person feel seen? That's called self-forgetting. And research shows that this process of self-forgetting, by becoming more service-oriented, helps to quiet that incessant voice of the ego. Yes. And it's remarkable how when you take advantage of that, you suddenly realize, okay, I don't have to be so caught up in my own head I want to share just a couple of very simple techniques for anyone who is really struggling with acceptance. The first is that if you struggle with acceptance, you will link your sense of identity to your work, your achievements, and your performance. So, if things are going well professionally, if you're achieving things, if you're doing amazing things, you feel

fantastic. And then something happens and everything falls apart and you fail, you take it personally. You internalize that failure So, the first and most important thing you must do is recognize that you are not your job. There is so much to do that exists outside of that environment, which I know is very difficult to do if you work, especially in a corporate organization where your entire status is determined by your position, how well you are performing, and your promotion history, right? So, we tend to internalize these things. But, you need to consciously remind yourself through that prefrontal activation: I am not my job. I am much more than this. And there's a very interesting little technique that we'd like to share. It's not even

a technique, it's really a suggestion. So, Jay, there was a study that was conducted with Nobel Prize-winning scientists. They analyzed 500 of them and discovered that they were three times more likely than regular scientists to have a creative hobby. Mhm. Not only that, they were 22 times more likely than regular scientists to have a hobby in the performing arts. Singing, music, theater. Wow. Many of them attribute to that hobby helping them recover when things didn't go as planned and also allowing them to make connections that other people wouldn't have been able to make.

Mhm. So, what can we take away from that? It's great, isn't it? It's an interesting study. What can we learn from that? Well, having something outside of work that we can immerse ourselves in, especially something creative, because we know the impact it has on the brain, allows us to remind ourselves: "Hey, even if I didn't do well at work today, even if I didn't achieve what I wanted, I can go and play that character in the play." "Can I go get my guitar?" I can go and paint that beautiful picture. And fascinatingly, it has been discovered that hobbies, especially creative ones, boost your self-esteem, which increases your sense of self-acceptance.

Yes. So it's quite curious, but I would encourage you, if you're finding this difficult, to find a hobby and embrace the chaos of being a beginner. It's like you're just sitting in a dream world and thinking everything will be perfect; we know that's never going to happen. And we also have this tendency to think in nightmares, where everything goes wrong, nothing will work and I am worthless. And we almost gravitate towards these extremes because they feel safer in a strange way. Why? Why do we do that? Why do we gravitate towards these extremes? The brain craves certainty. The brain fundamentally craves certainty. And the reason, when we fundamentally analyze why the brain does what it does, its main function

, many people say is to protect us. There's a little more to it than that. The brain's primary function is really to ensure that the rest of the body does what it needs to do using the least amount of metabolic energy. TRUE? So it needs us to operate using the least amount of energy possible. And part of that is obviously protecting yourself, because if you're in a situation where you have to deal with something terrible, the brain has to work much harder. That's why he often magnifies everything that could go wrong, because by doing so, he gives you a sense of certainty. No, this is going to happen, you're going to fail, you're going to fall short, they're going to laugh at you, they're going to reject you. And at least now you know.

At least you know, so you won't do such a thing. Because if you do that thing and that happens, your brain will have to work much harder to help you overcome it. So, if it can prevent you from taking that step, and in fact we refer to this as the wrong protector in our minds. It's that voice, it's an inner deceiver, and it's trying to protect us, but it's misguided. But fundamentally, it will highlight everything that could go wrong so that we don't take action, because then it succeeds. Then we're safe, Mhm. But we're stuck. And then the other extreme, of course, is just visualizing where we want to be because, again, it's certainty. No, I have a guarantee that will happen. And then we know what happens when you run into

an obstacle. Suddenly, everything falls apart. And then you go to the other side. Oh no, all these things are going to go wrong. So when we recognize that this is just our brain doing what it needs to do. There's something else that's really interesting here. There is a connection between intelligence and anxiety. People who tend to have higher scores in intelligence and IQ are usually more aware of complexity. More aware of all the risks that could go wrong. Which then leads them to overthink those risks. And then dwelling too much on what might happen if those risks actually occurred, which increases anxiety, reduces confidence, and reinforces that initial state

of awareness of complexity. So if you're listening to this and you feel like you 're constantly overthinking and constantly aware of risks, it could be that you have a slightly above-average IQ, but it's also important to know that we can break that cycle. We call it the spiral interruption technique. When this happens, the part of the brain that is activated is the emotional center, the threat detection center. It's trying to identify everything that could go wrong to keep you safe. So what you can do is control your attention. Turn your attention back to what I can control right now. Literally telling yourself, this is my brain doing what it does. I'm safe to act anyway. So again, simply by doing that

, consciously controlling your thoughts, you're reactivating those prefrontal regions, which reduces activity in the amygdala, the fear centers, and allows you to have that moment of rationality to then decide what to do next. Yes, I can think of a very good personal example of that. I remember that I was very fortunate to attend a public speaking school from the age of 11 to 18, I received training and felt comfortable on stage and everything else; But then, as soon as the scale began to change and I started working with different audiences, settings, and spaces, I noticed my heart rate increasing. I noticed my hands starting to tremble. I noticed that the palms of my hands were sweating.

I noticed that I felt nervous and anxious. And I used to start thinking, well, I have the skills, what am I doing wrong here? You know, and I was overthinking it. And then I would obsess over thinking, "Oh my God, everyone's going to see how my hand is shaking, should I hold the card or should I let go?" Or what if my slides, and then, you just overthink it. And it was, it's exactly what you just said, I had a different set of words for it that I was telling myself internally. And it was simply: "No, this is what happens when I care." Yes. And what I started to realize was, " Oh, when I care, my body is going to react like this, and I can give an amazing talk anyway, but I care." That's all it's showing me. And I don't need to stop this,

or overcome it, or for it to disappear in order to go out there and do what I do. And you're absolutely right that simple moment goes back to the acceptance that this is just what happens biologically when I care. I get a little nervous, my heart beats faster and all that, and it's like, "Okay, if I can change my approach, a lot of things can happen." Mhm. I love that you mention that too, this idea that I care, because when we recognize that our brain is simply doing what it's programmed to do, then we can interpret what we feel in a way that serves us. So we can interpret that heart rate

, as you said, as starting to overthink what we already overthink, and then we get stressed about the stress. It's called meta-emotion, where it's like an emotion about an emotion and it just gets out of control. Or you can say, "No, no, my brain is just doing its job." I'm ready. I'll be helpful here. I care. It's important to me to achieve a good result. And it's powerful when you recognize it. Yes. What is the second A? Okay, that's the first A, acceptance. The second A. And there's much more in the book. I just want. There's much more.

There's much more in the book. I'm just guiding us while we discuss some of the ideas. If you'd like to share something else for those struggling with acceptance, it's just because it comes up so often, especially for those starting their careers. And that was me 15 years ago, working in a corporation in a male-dominated environment. I began my career as a lawyer, in commercial law. I was in that industry for 4 years, then I moved into banking and finance for 6 years. Oh God, I felt like an imposter the whole time. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like I was a hiring mistake. But I forget that I got very good at pretending. Okay, now I'm going to share a little bit of my story. When I was very young, at 3 or 4 years old, I had a

beautiful Persian family who supported me, and we would always meet at my grandparents' house to eat kebabs that my grandfather prepared. And after dinner, I liked to act when I was a child. After dinner, this chant would begin: "Shahrzad bayad beraghsad". Which means: "Shahrzad has to dance for us." And it was great. When I was a child, I would get up and do my thing, they would watch and applaud, and it was fantastic. But as I grew older, I began to enjoy it less and less. But I didn't know how to say no. So, at 9, 10 or 12 years old, I still felt that I had to perform to make people happy. This was all in my head. If I had communicated or set a limit or said, "Look, I don't feel like it." They would n't have cared. My family

loved me. I didn't know it, and I internalized from a young age that I am only as good as the performance I offer. What it means to make others happy. And I've carried that burden throughout my entire career. In fact, one of the reasons I did a PhD, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done, was because of this feeling of not being enough and the need to keep proving my worth. That's the wrong reason to do anything. And I'll tell you this, it's over now and I still do n't feel like I've developed that acceptance. So it's an ongoing process for me, I'm very aware of it and I work on the habits to develop it. But when I entered the working world, I studied law because I did very well in high school and I felt a lot of pressure to use those

grades. In other words, it was like law, medicine, or engineering. I wasn't going to study mathematics or engineering, so I studied law. I did it alongside psychology because I was passionate about people, but law was so difficult for me that I had to concentrate a lot on that. And I had to overcompensate because I felt like I didn't fit in. I tried to quit after the first class. But, in any case, I continued. I never felt like I belonged there. I was able to get through it very well. I got fantastic grades in the end. I got a job at a prestigious law firm, but that feeling of " this is not me, this is not for me" stayed with me. And I was trying to fake it until I got it right. So I was becoming someone different. He spoke differently. I used to

present myself differently. Trying to sound intelligent and credible, using big, elegant words to fit in. What I know now is that this can be counterproductive. Studies have found that when you use unnecessarily complex language in an attempt to be perceived as more credible and competent, the opposite occurs, and you undermine your credibility and competence. Simplicity. It's all about simplicity, but I didn't know that. So I took that to the banking sector. She was filled with anxiety. I literally hid behind my cubicle so people wouldn't give me work, because if they didn't know I was there, they basically wouldn't

give it to me. Then, I moved into banking and finance, convinced that if I changed industries, I could start from scratch, reinvent myself, and leave doubt behind. Do you think that happened? No. Absolutely not. Doubt doesn't work that way. I took it with me for my own image. Because she carried that self-image, with the scars she had. And again, I come from a wonderfully supportive family and yet I still had scars. And one of the things while I was researching for this book is that, you know, there's a lot of talk about attachment theory and those early experiences. What some people experience is a secure attachment style when they are young.

They have a supportive environment full of love and validation, and yet, as adults, they feel they are not enough. And it could be for one of two reasons. It could be that you feel so indebted to your family that you feel you must keep striving to make them proud of you. The second reason is that perhaps you had a brother who was difficult because of his own personality, you saw it, you didn't want to be like that and you became the opposite. You became the exemplary son for your parents, and you simply take that with you. That was my case, and then I started to feel guilty for having these doubts about myself. I have no reason to have them. And so, it became something much bigger. Anyway, after 7 years in banking and finance, I finally

found my path. I focused on roles I loved, learned to rely on my strengths, stopped trying to be like everyone else, and realized that I am here because I have value to offer. How do I access that value? And I love how you introduced imposter syndrome, which leads us beautifully to the second pillar, which is agency. To recap for those listening, we just covered acceptance, which is essentially when your self-esteem is unstable, you seek validation, you feel you must prove your worth, and your identity is tied to what you produce, perform, or achieve. The next way in which doubt can manifest itself has nothing to do with " I am not enough" or "I am not worthy," but rather with " Can I really do this?" Do I have the skills and ability to do it

? And what we see here is that many people fall into imposter syndrome. Shadi, could you define what imposter syndrome really is? The imposter syndrome does not actually exist in literature or research under that term. It's called the imposter phenomenon. Now, note the difference between a syndrome and a phenomenon. One of them is a behavioral phenomenon that was observed in a group of people. The other person pathologizes it and makes it seem like there is something wrong with us. Imposter syndrome was initially discovered in the 1970s, when researchers were specifically studying women. They were high-achieving women, women

who had just entered the workforce, women with PhDs and solid careers, and they felt they didn't belong there. They felt like they were a fraud. They felt they didn't deserve their success. They felt that everyone else thought they were smarter or more capable than they actually were. So there are two elements to the imposter phenomenon. We'll leave aside the term " syndrome". Impostor phenomenon. The first element is that you feel like a fraud, that others believe you are something you are not, and the second element is that you must have a trajectory that allows you to feel: I don't deserve this. If you feel like an imposter and you've just started a new job, it's probably not imposter syndrome, right? It's just

that I'm in a new environment. I need to give myself the opportunity to learn. When we self-diagnose and say, "Oh my God, I'm an imposter." "This is imposter syndrome." That could lead us to withdraw even further. We used it as an excuse. So, remember that no, the imposter syndrome or phenomenon only occurs when I have achieved something. I just won this award. I have this amazing job and I can prove that I have all these achievements behind me, but I still don't feel like I deserve it That's the definition of the imposter phenomenon, and it's very common, not only among women, but also among men. Some studies have found that up to 82% of people have felt like a fraud at some point. So, if you've ever felt like this, first of all, rest assured that you're

in very good company. The next thing to consider with imposter syndrome or the imposter phenomenon is: if you feel like a fraud, instead of listening to that voice that says, "You don't belong here." "Don't talk to that person." "Don't express yourself." Change it immediately to: "Wow, what an amazing opportunity I have to learn and grow." Who can I learn from? What do I need to develop here? So, again, it's this idea of moving almost from comparison to emulation, or from envy to study. Make it action-oriented. That's really powerful. And talk to someone about it. Do you know Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother?

He described in a podcast how he felt when he went from actor to director on Dispatches from Elsewhere; he was full of imposter syndrome and anxiety. And he said he didn't know what to do. I was overthinking it and it was becoming a big problem . So he finally gathered the whole team together and in front of everyone said, "Hello everyone, this is the first time I've done this." "I really don't know what I'm doing." If I do something that bothers you, tell me. I'm sure we'll have an amazing time. He pointed it out. He recognized it. He didn't try to be perfect like we try when we feel like an imposter. We try to overcompensate so that people don't discover us. But he simply acknowledged it and said it was incredibly liberating. When

you point out the fear, it diminishes. So, if you ever feel like this, talk to someone about it. You'll probably find that they've been through it too. Yes. And I love what you said about this idea because a lot of people ask me, "Jay, do you still have doubts or do you feel like an imposter?" And I said, "I always feel it when I'm doing something new." Yes. And that's made me realize that it has nothing to do with me. No. It's because I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone.

Yes. So now I love it. I love the idea of feeling this way because it's proof that I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I'm trying something new. We are expanding something. We are building a new business. We are starting a new project. We are creating a new service, purpose, program, whatever. It's as if I've never done it before. And yes, if I keep doing everything I've always done, I don't get nervous anymore, but that bores me. And that 's not exciting. And so, now that feeling of being uncomfortable, nervous, and wondering if I fit in, all of that is great because it's a sign that I 'm moving forward.

Yes, it's growth with integrity, as we say. Because if you had a blind illusion, you wouldn't feel doubt. Right? So you have the integrity and intellectual humility to know, " Okay, I haven't done this before, here are the gaps," but you accept the discomfort that comes with growth. You only experience that kind of imposter feeling when you're being challenged. You would never feel that way if you knew how to do everything and were completely comfortable. And if you're a narcissist. As if you were , as if you were delirious. We must recognize that there is between 5 and 8% of the population that we are not talking about.

Yes, no, but you have.no, but that point about delusion is true, that if someone says, "Oh, I never feel doubt," there's a sense of delusional confidence. Or a lack of self-awareness. lack of self-awareness, which is not healthy because it's almost a projection of insecurity because you 're convincing yourself that no, no, of course I don't feel anything. It's like, well, no, we're all human and we would feel something, no matter how small. Like, I feel like this is a terrible example, but it's because I don't cook, I couldn't cook even to save my life. So, if my wife asked me to prepare dinner, I would go crazy because I wouldn't have any idea what to do. And it's something small, it's something very

small. As if people knew how to do it. It's simple. It seems easy enough. Yes, low risk. Yes, to a certain extent. Yes, exactly. But that's the point, it's not even about the grandeur of the task. It's about what 's new to you and what you find difficult. And that way nobody can say, oh, but that's small or that's big. Big and small are not indicators of whether you feel uncomfortable. So, for someone, something uncomfortable might be doing something very small. And for someone else it might be doing something really big, you know. Exact. And a big part of that comes down to your level of agency. Where do you place yourself on that scale?

Therefore, agency relates to what is called self-efficacy. It is a personality trait, which is the belief that you can do what you need to do to achieve what you want to achieve. I want to take you to something that relates to this and that actually relates to the overall theme of the book. Jay, if I were to ask you-well, I've prepared you a bit-but if I were to ask you out of the blue, what do you think is the opposite of doubt? Is n't it self-confidence? Yes, so I prepared it for you. So it's absolutely about self-confidence. However, we found that 90% of people, if we hadn't had this conversation, should have asked you that at the beginning. When we ask this question, 90% or 95% of people will say it's trust.

Trust. And many people, a large part of the population, are waiting for that feeling of confidence before taking that step. They say, "I'll know when I'm ready." You know, that feeling of confidence that we expect, in reality, when we look at literature, doesn't come before we take action. It comes after we take action because the brain needs to see itself doing the thing. You get a test point. It obtains a point of evidence. Hey, I can do this. That then builds a degree of skill and competence. Hey, I did it and I was fine and I improved, which increases your self-efficacy. And then that creates momentum and motivation. And that's the feeling we've associated with trust. So what do we need before that?

? Well, when we really look at the word trust, I think this is where the confusion occurred. When we look at the origins of the word trust, it comes from the Latin words con and fidere, which mean with faith. And so, what we really need before taking action is not that feeling we are waiting for. It's self-confidence. Trust that you can handle whatever comes your way. Whether you succeed, fail, recover, bounce back, whatever, you'll be okay. And to do that, we call it the state of great confidence, which is recognizing these four attributes, reminding yourself that you can strengthen them, working on strengthening them, and also knowing which one you can rely on when you might be weaker in the others.

So, that's it. And why this ties in with the agency-the agency is a big part of this because if you don't believe you can do the thing, if you don't believe you have the skills or the ability to learn or the capacity to adapt, you won't take that step. And then, you will perpetually wait to feel ready. And then you're waiting, and you'll often get busy or distracted with preparation and planning and all the things we do that we think we're being productive by doing, but they're just distracting us. It's essentially procrastination. Yes, we just need to take action. So, the agency is to recognize, "Hey, I can do this. I've been here before." As in, "I've been in unfamiliar situations, and I was fine. How can I leverage that? I've handled challenges before.

How can I bring those attributes to the table?" So, Jay, now I think we should move on to the third pillar. Are we ready to delve deeper into this? Yes. So, the third pillar is what we call. Actually, before I tell you about the third pillar, I'm going to share Bruno's story with you. So, Bruno was an entrepreneur who sought help. He was running a business. He was doing really well. And yet , he was one of those people who always find a problem in every solution. She always focused on what was wrong. And it was always someone else's fault. So, the first time we met, he rushed in, complaining about the weather, the traffic, and how

hot it was in the room, and he talked for about 5 minutes ranting. We hadn't even shaken hands or sat down. I was trapped in this litany of complaints. Finally, we sat down, started talking, and what I discovered is that Bruno has several common patterns. He was a tireless complainer, chronically complaining about everything. Not only that, I felt a lot of resentment towards other people. He felt that everyone else had an easier life than him. Others' business success was simpler. I felt like I constantly had to try harder. The third pattern was guilt. He constantly blamed other people for problems that he was responsible for. He was never willing to take responsibility. And the fourth pattern is that he kept reliving past wounds. So, whenever

someone had hurt him, betrayed him, or treated him badly, he would continue to share that story. Now, initially, when you have a conversation with someone, you hear these stories. Of course, you feel empathy. By the tenth time you hear this story in a few months, you realize they're stuck in a cycle that keeps them stagnant. When it comes to complaining, and I'll share the attributes in a moment, but when it comes to complaining, we don't realize that it's a sign of a lack of self-confidence . Because we lack the confidence that we have the ability to do something about it. So, what do we do? We focus on what we cannot control, we magnify it, and we complain about it. Because it's easier to complain than to take

responsibility and do something. When we keep reliving past wounds, things that have happened to us before, we are telling what is called a story of contamination. Jay, you mentioned earlier how each person has experienced difficulties. Each one of them. And depending on the story they tell themselves about that difficulty, that determines how they feel about it, whether they internalize that difficulty and make it mean something about them, and then whether they feel empowered in their lives or like victims. I'll come back to that story in a moment, or to the example of the difficulties, because I have a really good case study for that. But going back to Bruno, what we discovered is that he had a very low level of what we call

autonomy. I felt I didn't have the freedom to make decisions. She felt she had no ability to influence her results. And that's why he became obsessed with everything that was out of his control. This relates to what is called locus of control. Mhm. So, Jay, you have a locus, I have a locus, everyone listening has a locus of control, which comes from the Latin word location, meaning where do you place control in your life? Do you think you can control things? And I'm not talking about controlling everything, because we know that much of life is uncontrollable. Yes. But do you believe you have some degree of influence, or does life happen to you because of external forces, other people,

society, or the government? If you have an external focus, an external locus, you will focus on things outside of your control. What others think, what others do, what others say, what the government does, what the media does, what your neighbor does, what your brother does, the future, the past, things you cannot control. And how do you feel when you focus on those things? You feel powerless. Because? Because you are powerless. Mhm. When you have an internal locus of control, you recognize that you can influence the outcome. You can shape your path.

Again, not everything is controllable, but you focus on what you do have control over: your thoughts, your feelings, your interpretations, your actions. That's all. And when you focus on those things, guess what? You feel noticeably more powerful. Because you 're focusing on things you can do. Mhm. We also know that when people stagnate, like where Bruno was, when he was in that external locus, we see a lot of activity in the emotional centers of the brain. Very little activity in the prefrontal regions, which is what we need for rationality, problem-solving, and logical thinking. So, if you ever find yourself feeling like you're complaining, feeling like a victim-and I'm not talking about actual victims, I'm talking about those who

victimize themselves. If someone listening ever feels that way-and the reality is that it can happen, especially when unfair things happen in your life-you have to say to yourself, "Okay, instead of 'Why me?', what's next?" Mhm. " What happens now? It's already happened. I can't do anything about it. I'm not going to dwell on it. What am I going to do about it? And we have this great little exercise that we love to share with people. It's called the Could-Will List. So, when people get to this state, if we encourage them to think about what they'll do next, often what happens is they start thinking about all the things they should have done, or should do, and the language of ' should' is very discouraging.

It does one of two things. It either makes us feel like we're falling short, or like we're being forced against our will. And we don't like being told what to do. It's called reactance. And when we hear a ' should,' it's often as if a part of us is telling us what to do, and we don't like it. We resist it. So we avoid the word 'should' and move to 'could.' Research has found that when you use the word 'could' instead of 'should,' it opens up divergent thinking." It's.it's remarkable, isn't it?

It's noteworthy.it's just one word. Sometimes, when I look at some of this research, I think, "How can something so simple be so incredibly powerful?" And that's because words create worlds inside us and outside of us. So you switch to "could", take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. On the left, you write your list of "could". What are all the things you could do in the current circumstances? Whether you've just been fired, your business has failed, or your relationship has ended. What are all the things you could do right now? That allows you to feel a sense of "okay, there are opportunities, there are possibilities here". You also direct your attention, which reduces that emotional activation and re-

engages your prefrontal regions. What will you do next? Circle three things from your "could do" list and write them on your "will do" list, write "will do", boom, boom, boom, and then take action. You're hijacking that ruminating part of your brain and preparing for action, reminding yourself that no matter how bad things are, you always have a choice. And you're choosing to take a step forward. Yes. What is the fourth one? The fourth is what we call adaptability. And it relates specifically to the context of doubt and great confidence; it relates to your ability to adapt to your emotions. We cannot necessarily control emotions; we can

guide them, we can take advantage of them, but they often arise as a response to a stimulus. Yes. So how do you adapt to them? So, for that, what I want to do is give you a series of scenarios where I think you're having good emotions. to help you answer it. Does that sound good to you? Yes. Very good, excellent. Okay, because I think that's why I was saving them, since I feel that they are moments in time that we all experience where there is an emotional reaction and we need to know how to adapt. Yes, brilliant. So you're about to speak in a meeting and your brain is flooded with "what if I make a mistake?". We call this the " three-second spiral stop". So when this happens, you want to acknowledge it

, so first take a breath. Take a moment, breathe, 3 seconds, inhale. The second step is to recognize that your brain is only doing what it's supposed to do. It's simply programmed to magnify everything that could go wrong. But it's okay, there's no physical danger here. So you need to remind yourself that nothing terrible is going to happen. The fourth one. are we on the third step? I think we're at the third step. The third step is to keep whatever you're going to say as brief as possible . And the reason I say this is because your brain is magnifying what could go wrong because you probably haven't done this many times. You really don't have the evidence that you can do this and do it well. And if you try to go out there and the first thing

you want to say is a five-minute monologue, you're going to get nervous and lose your train of thought, and then you're going to have a negative test. So keep it very brief. You could validate what someone else has said: "That's a great idea, Jay." Or "I'd like to add something to what Simon said." Or "Maria, can you repeat that one more time?" " I want to make sure I have it correctly in my notes." Very low risk, easy, you're just letting that energy out. Mhm. Once you've done that, and you have the proof, the next step is: "Okay, now I'm really going to share what I wanted to share, ask that question more fully, and share my perspective." I know I can do it because I just did it

before. I'm going to breathe again too. I will remind myself that there is no physical threat. And then I'm going to speak. You want to make sure you don't speak too quickly, because when our emotions are running high, we get nervous and speed up our speech. Mhm. This can cause people to disconnect or undermine our credibility. So speak slowly, pause, and, very importantly, maintain eye contact. That's what keeps people interested. And that's how you can harness your emotion in that moment. Someone once asked me what the one word is that I want people to say about me at my funeral. And without thinking, I said: that she cared about others. Then I thought about it a little more and I probably would have had all these other things, but I think

the fact that it came up so clearly to me when I didn't think about it means that my purpose is to live a life where I care about other people. And that is reflected in being present for them, serving them through the work we do, helping them through our programs and this book. It's fundamentally because I care about people overcoming what's holding them back. And I care that they live full, successful, and meaningful lives. That's why everything I do is aligned with that. What about you, Jay? What did you say? How would you define your purpose in just a few words? The way I've chosen to describe it now is to make the world happier, healthier, and more healed.

Beautiful. And the word I really lean on out of all of them is healing. I value healing more than happiness, and I value health as much as healing. But I believe that even in our health, we are always healing. And so, I think the challenge is, in my opinion, that everyone is hurting in some way-physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. And they are all healing. So if we can help create a more healed world, a world that actually heals, rather than just healed, because healed means it's over. And that's why a world that heals is a good world. So, if I can help, if I can be of service and be of service to help people heal in whatever area they are struggling in, through people like you and the wonderful experts and people who

come to share their stories on the show, then that, for me, is the world I want to live in. It is a world that is always healing because we will always feel pain and we will always be hurt. So there needs to be an equal focus on healing. That's beautiful. And I love that, almost going back to the idea of the scar, it's like healing the scars we have. Yes, it's healing, and that's what you're going to have to do because yes, you are healing your self-image according to, you know, what you were saying before. Yes, beautiful. Uh, fifth and final question. I almost don't want you to do it because I don't want this to end. This is bringing up so much. I know, but I could literally talk to you for another three hours. Uh

, this is the fifth and final question. Uh, if you could create a law, and we ask this of every guest who has been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone had to follow, what would it be? It would be to leave each person better than you found them. Mhm. Yes, it's a good law. That would be it. Yes, every place, every person, every. Every animal? Every meeting, every team, every.Yes, it would be much better. Yes, I love that. That's beautiful. I had never heard it on the program. If this clip provided you with value and you'd like to see more, this next video has been

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