3:39
Today we're making cupcakes for alpha males. If you're a beta, stop watching now. The first thing we'll do is check around to make sure there are no females nearby. The presence of estrogen will negate the entire effect. So protect your fragile alpha energy to remain as masculine and heterosexual as possible, listening to and adoring only other hot and strong alpha males. Now that we're safe, grab a bowl like this. For reference: Alphas only use steel bowls, no plastic. Let's start with a cup of all-purpose flour, where " all-purpose" means being super pumped. This is also a reminder to take your 2 pounds of creatine for today. Oh, yes, baby. Now add 3 teaspoons of
"royal powder," which the Betas call baking powder. Next, half a teaspoon of salt, but since salt is a crystal with healing energy, we need to break it up, because that energy can make you too calm. We use stone tools to experience our primal ancestral aggression. Now you need 3/4 cup of sugar, which is extracted from the sturdy stalk of sugarcane, and it is 100% sugarcane grown on beef feed. As you can see from the texture, this sugar has been aged for about 3 years. The word " butter" has "butt" in it, reminding us to do squats all the time boost our testosterone and make our butts attractive to other alphas. This is how beta softens butter. Oh my god, I'm so afraid of this heat. This is how an alpha male melts butter. I
wake up at 8:30am every morning to build a gym from scratch and pump my biceps at a rhythmic pace. Now add half a cup of the milk and cream mixture, that is, three halves, which means 150%-that is how much you should give constantly. And, of course, it's raw cream. A great time to scan the kitchen for threats. Okay, it seems clean. Oh God, no. Just not under my supervision. Damn, that was too close. We take one large egg and drive it in here. Eggs from females produce estrogen, so be sure to wash your hands immediately after handling them to avoid starting to transform. When they are baked, you are safe. Now add half a cup of full-fat yogurt. Have you
noticed that something is wrong here? This is not how you should hold a spoon. Hold her confidently, not like a weakling. You need to act confidently and grip the spoon firmly. Move it with purpose, then throw it with force and focus, always remembering your higher purpose. Then add a little vanilla extract, while simultaneously writing a letter to your father, challenging him to a fistfight at dawn in the field behind the old barn on 46th. Remember: for maximum fitness and mental hygiene, you need to constantly practice interval podcasting. If you're a beta, you can use a hand mixer to do the work for you, but as an alpha, I'll cut my own whisk. Okay, it looks pretty
good. If you rely on a mixer, how are you going to make cupcakes for your friends during that five-thousand-dollar weekend at a fake wilderness survival course? Work on yourself. A beta would spin this whisk in circles, but as an alpha, I will use hard corners in the shape of a triangle or rectangle. Okay, it looks pretty good. So we will fill our cupcake liners with 100% titanium liners. Beta would fill the shapes with gravity, because it's the weakest of the four fundamental forces, but we'll use momentum when we think about the strong nuclear force-the alpha of all forces. I was sketching out a scale of courage here. We have a firefighter downstairs. They are brave, but they wear protective gear, otherwise they would be taller.
Next-the lumberjack. Again, quite low, because the trees don't yield. Here is a special forces soldier risking his life in enemy territory. It would be higher, but the name has "special" in it, and that's girly. Above we have a guy fighting a bear with one hand while holding a battle axe in the other. And at the very top, a guy sitting in a cozy room, speaking softly into a microphone, wearing a tactical vest and tight pants, talking about " grindset" two semitones below his real voice, convincing you to sign up for his self-realization course. There is no more alpha level. Well, it's being prepared. We will make a glaze, which should always be called " icing" because ice is harder than frost. And I do it effectively because time is money, crypto, liver,
testosterone, financial advice, leverage, Roman military strategy, optimization, looking other men, men, men straight in the eye. I love men. Now sprinkle the cupcakes with just a clenched fist, making a sharp downward motion. And don't let anyone catch you using tweezers, because it's pretty off-putting. The manliest, most alpha way to eat a cupcake is when a pumped-up friend shoves it into your mouth, flexing his oiled biceps. The second most courageous way is to make a cupcake kebab. And if you want them to last longer, just wrap them in cellophane. If you share your " alpha cupcakes" with a woman, make sure she eats a small amount of them so she doesn't worry that she tasted something better. This can turn you into a pitiful semblance of the image
you spent a lot of time and money creating. Now it's time to sit down and enjoy your cupcakes. Ha. If you sit down, you remain a beta for another three months.
