How to Actually Heal From a Breakup and Move On for Good

If you've recently gone through a breakup, or maybe it was a couple of years ago but it still affects you, this video is for you. I want to start by talking to you about what you really miss. Because I'm sure your mind is thinking about all sorts of things. You seem to miss the morning text message. You miss the conversation before going to sleep. I miss the dates they used to go on. But this is what you really miss. You don't miss them. You miss who you thought you would be with them. It's one of the hardest truths to face: that you can love someone deeply, lose them, and still feel stuck long after the story ends. You tell yourself, "I should be over this by now." But the memories keep surfacing. The song, the

scent, the old photo, and suddenly you're there again. Today, I want to talk about what to do when you just can't get over your ex. Not from judgment, but from understanding. Because what you feel is not weakness, it's actually your biology. Let's get down to business. I want to start by talking to you about why you can't let it go. When we fall in love, our brains release dopamine and oxytocin, the same chemicals linked to addiction. That's why a breakup doesn't just hurt emotionally, it hurts physically.

You are in a process of abstaining from a person. But what's really keeping you stuck isn't just the chemistry. It is identity. For months or years, it wasn't just you. It was us. Your plans, routines, and even your sense of identity were intertwined with theirs. It was never about you. It was both of them. It was never just about you, it was about us. So when they leave, it doesn't just feel like losing a person. It feels like losing your reflection. You start looking for closure. But what you really want is confirmation that you mattered. Perhaps you repeat every conversation, every choice, searching for the moment when things could have been different.

I know many people who remember and say, "No, it was this moment." "That was the moment I started looking for time for myself." Did you know? " It was at this moment that I told them I didn't like them doing that." "That was the moment I pushed them away." "You know, it was the moment I talked to them about their ex-girlfriend that made me feel insecure." "That was the moment they left." You start creating stories. You start to create reasons. You start creating meanings that don't really exist, without facts to validate or verify them. That's not healing. It's your mind trying to rewrite a story it doesn't want to end. This is the truth about breakups. We don't become addicted to

people. We become addicted to how we felt with them. How we felt loved, seen, and chosen. And now that they're gone, your brain chases that feeling, not the person. It's fascinating that we think we're chasing the person, but in reality we're chasing the feeling. And that's why it's so important to find something else that gives you that feeling through yourself, your friends, the community, or connection, because that feeling is something that should belong to you. Being seen is beautiful. Being loved is beautiful. Being chosen is beautiful. But if it depends on a single person who is no longer there, then that's not your person. If you want to start letting go after a breakup, ask yourself, "What part of me felt most alive in that

relationship? And how can I give that to myself now?" That's where healing begins. Healing starts when you focus on the feeling, not the person. And you focus on how you can give yourself that feeling without that person. How you can create that emotion and experience that you deserve for yourself, without that person. That you can find that connection with yourself and others without that person. When you think that person is more powerful than an experience or an emotion, you'll never be able to let go. One mistake we make is thinking that other people make us feel things. No, other people push buttons, and we feel what's inside us. There's an incredible example from Wayne Dyer where he said, "If you squeeze an

orange, what comes out?" Orange juice. You don't squeeze an orange and lemon juice comes out. What comes out is what's already inside. So if someone puts pressure on you, whether in a stressful or positive way, what comes out is what was already inside you. When you recognize that people only bring out what's already inside you, you say, "Oh, you brought this out of me. You bring out the best in me." That's because it's yours. Don't forget that everything you love to experience with someone else came from within you. And it 's still accessible. Part two, the myths that keep you stuck. I find it very interesting that, when I talk about the idea of writing stories, we create the narrative by forgetting all the bad things that happened.

TRUE? Someone breaks up with you and now you only think about the good times. You only think about the positive memories. You forget the arguments, you forget the mistakes, because now you only think: " I would do anything to get that person back." Because that's the story that makes me feel safe. And this is a very important part. Your brain is not working against you. He's trying to make you feel safe. And because he's trying to make you feel safe, he wants you to feel comfortable. So it reminds you of all the comfortable things so that you're willing to tolerate even all the negative things again. So let's talk about the stories that keep us hooked.

Here's myth number one. Time heals all wounds. Time doesn't heal everything. Healing happens when you stop expecting to feel nothing and start learning to live with what still hurts. Time does not erase memories. It just teaches you to handle them differently. Time does not make the pain disappear. It just helps you stop letting it control your day. And time doesn't fix the past. It helps you stop trying to revive him. Time alone does not bring closure. It gives you the space to create your own. Time doesn't make you forget them. It helps you remember yourself. Time does not eliminate pain. It reminds you that pain and progress can coexist. When we keep

repeating things like "time heals all wounds" and you hear it from other people: "it's just a matter of time." That's not necessarily true, because it's what you do with that time. It's what you repeat to yourself during that time. Now, it is a reality that the further you distance yourself from something, the less power it has over you. But if you're immersed in that relationship every day, it still feels like he has control over you. So what you need to do is think about the hooks in your time. Check their social media, look at old photos, see what they're up to. All those things are like hooks that keep you trapped and imprisoned by that relationship.

Time can't do anything if the way you spend your time is completely fixed on them. Myth number two. I just need closure. We all think that if we were given a perfect explanation, we would feel satisfied. The reality is that even if someone gave you the perfect explanation, you would find something else you disagreed with. The closing point is realizing that you may never receive an apology, but you've stopped expecting one. Closure is knowing that you did what you could and that it's not your job to carry your pain and its growth. I think the closure is one of those misleading searches. And, in reality, what the mind tries to do is focus; it is programmed to want to complete unfinished tasks. The mind does not like

incompleteness. What he doesn't understand is that fulfillment is rarely provided by someone else. I remember advising someone who just wanted that person to give them an answer. That person gave him an answer. They sent him a long email. And then the person said, "Well, what about this, this, and this? You didn't mention this." That person responded again via text message. And the person said, " Well, what about this, this, this, and this?" And that process continues. Because what you're really saying is that I simply don't feel valued. I no longer feel seen. I just want you to come back. That's what you 're saying. Actually, you're not asking for an explanation. Because there is no

explanation that will satisfy you. What worries you is not what others think of you. You're worried that what they think about you might be true. It could be what you think of yourself. That's what worries you. You worry that what someone sees in you might actually exist. But when you start focusing on that, on growing yourself, healing yourself, overcoming that, that's what gives you closure. That's what gives you confidence. Myth number three, if I keep going, it means I never cared. Many of us think, oh, if I keep going, it means it wasn't real. If they continue, it means it wasn't real. That's not true. Something can be real and you can move on or they can move on. Something can be real for a period of time. Is it

true that trees have leaves? Yes, but they drop them in the fall. Does that mean it wasn't real? No, of course not. You would never say that. It was real during that season. Something can be real one season and not be real the next. Moving on doesn't mean the love wasn't real. It means you have learned what it came to teach you. If someone moves on, it doesn't mean their feelings for you weren't real. It just means they had a deadline. It just means that they had a timeline and that they had an end. Now you might say, well, how can I tell if someone has real feelings for me? Because the person you feel something real for, and who feels something for you, is someone who nurtures it every day. A student once approached

Buddha and asked him, "What is the difference between liking you and loving you? " And Buddha replied, "When you like a flower, you simply cut it. But when you love a flower, you water it every day." Real feelings are feelings that people invest in every day. True love is a love that is not decided on a wedding day, an engagement, or an anniversary. It is one that makes itself present every day. Myth number four: if they came back, it would finally work. How many of you have ever said this? This time, if they came back, I would change, I would mold myself, I wouldn't complain anymore, I wouldn't make a fuss. But let's be honest

. You raised those issues because things weren't right. There was something he did or an interaction with that you didn't like. Now, all of a sudden, you're just going to let it go? Are you suddenly going to say you'll never have a problem with bad behavior again? Is that the kind of love you want? Is that the kind of love you want to receive? One where you can't share what you feel? Is it love if you can't be honest with them? Is it love if you can't express your emotions without feeling afraid? Here is the truth. You don't miss them, you miss hope. But hope without change is just another heartbreak waiting to happen. Yes, for one month you won't say anything, and in a month you'll be annoyed by their behavior again. In a month you'll be

irritated. And then, when you mention it, they'll say, "Wait a minute, I thought you'd never bring this up again." And you'll say, "Yes, I didn't want to, but it's very important to me." The reason they ended up in the first place is because there is something deeply ingrained that disconnects them. They didn't break up for nothing. Don't invite drama back into your life in the long run just because you think that person will bring you peace in the short term. Part three, how to truly heal. This is where we move from understanding to action. The first step is to stop feeding the fantasy. You cannot heal if you are still idealizing the best moments.

Block crumbs, social media, and lists of old photos. The saying "what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over" couldn't be more true. You 're not being dramatic, you're protecting your recovery. How do you stop history? You stop the story by analyzing both versions. TRUE? If you only look at the version you feel now and ignore the version you felt a couple of months ago, you 're not seeing the whole picture. Look at the big picture. Write down each reason why you really saw that they weren't right for each other. Not because they are bad people, but because they weren't right for each other, because you had enough signs of that.

Sometimes, the reason you're upset that someone broke up with you is because you wanted to break up with them first. You wanted to be the one to end things, but you were afraid to do it, and now you're experiencing the opposite, where they ended things with you, when you were the one who knew this wasn't going well. But again, it was fear that kept you in the wrong relationship, and now it's fear that will make you go back to the wrong relationship. Number two, feel without dramatizing. You don't have to pretend you 're okay. Grief is, in fact, healthy. What's unhealthy is making it your identity. Accept the sadness, but don't set up camp there. Try this guide to journaling. What did this relationship teach me about my

needs, and not about my worth? After a breakup, the biggest mistake we make is thinking that what happened is a reflection of our worth, not our needs. When you project something onto your self-worth, you only feel worse. When you recognize that something is teaching you about your needs, you can truly move forward and recognize what you want in the future. Number three, rebuild your rituals. Anguish steals the structure. Healing brings her back. Start creating new pillars. Morning walks, gym sessions, therapy, dinners with friends. What happened is that your brain had a certain rhythm of life with that person. The morning message, the late-night call, the weekend date; Your brain had found a new rhythm that replaced the old one.

Remember, you were single before that person. You had a rhythm before that person. So what do you do? You need to create a new rhythm. And the new rhythm has to focus on the moments where you feel most vulnerable. If you can identify the three times of day when this breakup affects you the most and recognize that those are the times when you want to give yourself more care, more connection, more company from other people, and the greatest ability not to fall into the trap of going back to the past, that is what you should focus on. Number four, change the question. Instead of asking, "Why didn't it work?" ask, "What version of myself was I becoming while trying to make it work?" If you were becoming a better

version of yourself, how can you continue to do so? And if you were becoming an inferior version of yourself, how do you use that to remind yourself that you don't want to go back there? "There will be a million answers, and many will be from them and from you. " But the truth is, it didn't work because they didn't want it to work. And when someone doesn't want it to work, it won't work just because you want it to. There is no such thing as the right person. There is only one person who is willing to be present to try to fix things. When both parties want to do that, the relationship works. And number five, let the pain become your purpose. You are not meant to

erase your history. You are destined to evolve through it. Every heartbreak can harden you or humanize you. The difference is whether you learn or you stagnate. What I find in many people is that when you're at the point where your heart has been broken, you ca n't believe it can ever be mended again. And the incredible thing is that anyone I've coached during that time, when they finally find love again, which always happens, completely forget that it ever existed. You don't have to get your hopes up right now. You don't have to believe right now. All you have to do is practice how to reunite your heart and create a purpose to move forward, a sense of purpose to advance. There is a

beautiful practice called Kintsugi. It's the idea that when something breaks, it is rebuilt through this beautiful gold. And you can see clay objects or plates that are broken, and now you can see the cracks, but the cracks are gold. That's what each of us becomes when our hearts are broken. But knowing that those wounds only make you better for the future, only make you aware of what you are looking for, only make you prepared for the future. Part four. This is what you should do when you relapse. It's guaranteed that you'll back down. Recovering from a breakup is like taking three steps forward and two steps back. It's feeling like you're healing and then crying like it's the first day. It is

experiencing growth and then feeling grief. Healing is not linear. You can feel strong for weeks, and then suddenly you see their name and everything floods back. That doesn't mean you're broken. It means you're human. When that happens, this is what I want you to remember. Missing someone doesn't mean you're meant to be with that person. It just means they occupied a significant chapter of your life and your heart still hasn't accepted the end. If you're going through a breakup, do this. Instead of writing to them, write to a friend. Instead of rereading your old messages, start creating new connections.

Instead of asking, "Do you miss me?" Ask yourself, "Am I proud of who I am becoming?" Because getting over someone isn't about forgetting them. It's about reminding yourself. You existed before this relationship, you existed during this relationship, and you exist after this relationship. It's the most important relationship you'll ever commit to. Don't ignore her because you felt that you only existed through that other person. You existed before, and you will always exist without them. I want to leave you with a few final words. Sometimes, the hardest part isn't letting them go. It's letting go of the future you built with them in your mind. But healing begins the moment you stop asking, " Why did they leave?" And you start to

ask, "What is this pain trying to teach me?" So, if you 're in that place, still missing them, still in pain, take a deep breath. Inhale acceptance. Exhale attachment. You are not weak for continuing to feel. You are strong for moving forward. You are not behind in your healing. You're just in time for your transformation. You don't have to overcome them today. You just need to focus on getting back to yourself. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this episode helps you in your healing process. Please share this with a friend who is going through a very, very difficult time, and I promise you

that this will be the starting point of a beautiful love story for you. Remember, I'm always on your side. I 'm always supporting you. And thank you for joining me here on Purpose. If this clip provided you with value and you'd like to see more, this next video has been specially chosen for you based on your viewing behavior. I hope you enjoy it. And if you do, subscribe to the channel so we can continue bringing you fantastic conversations.